Hello fellow writers,
I have recently become aware that writing here as become much more popular then before, but many of the previous talented writers are slipping away from this forum. Many, have moved to a different forum, made by Temporal, who also, was a very talented writer. That forum is
PenPad Forums I would like to start a reviewing section to this thread, much like Renegade Reviews. The entry form to apply to be a reviewer is at the end of this thread.
Here are some links to threads that
should be read by every author on this forum:
Stairs to Becoming a Better Writer
Tips and Guidelines
The State Of The Your Creations Forum
The Writers Handbook
Now for the reviewing!
Rules:
1. Reviews are to be requested in PMs.
2. We only review a story once.
3. In the PM, you must include:
The Name of the Story
The Link to it
One Chapter/All of it
4. Requests must be sent to the person you want to review it. Only people on the list are the Reviewers.
5. All stories can be reviewed.
6. If your story is reviewed, and you get a bad review, please do not rant about it here. Just get over it, try improve your story, add more chapters and PM the person who reviewed it and ask if they can edit it. Remember: Reviewers have the right to say no, if you ask for an edit.
Cygnus
BeyBlade Twilight Adventures.
By Stealth Serpent.
A young 14 year old boy called Sammy was walking home from school when he heard what sounded like a Beyblade battle. He went to the source of the noise, discovering a Beyblade battle between a boy in his class, whose name was Tommy and a 15 year old girl, whose name was Amy.
Sammy had arrived in the middle of the battle and it looked as if Tommy was going to win, however, Amy called out her Beyblade's Special Move, and knocked Tommy's Beyblade out of the stadium, landing right beside Sammy.
Sammy picked it up and had a look at it, he then returned the Beyblade back to Tommy. Tommy thanked him and ran off home.
The story BeyBlade Twilight Adventures is a very predictable story, similar to that of BeyBlade Metal Fusion/Masters. The characters seem to represent characters from the BeyBlade saga. There were a few parts I liked, but quite a few that seemed to let the story down. The characters names are quite normal, which I'm not saying is a bad thing but most people prefer unusual names in this type of story. The BeyBlade parts are pretty ok, considering he made a few of them up himself. I do think the characters should be explained a bit more.
Characters: 6/10 Pretty much normal characters that seem to be very similar. Not a lot of contrast between them.
Plot 4/10: As I said previously, its very predictable, could be fixed up a bit.
Originiality 6/10: As I said, the BeyBlades are pretty well made, but the plot is very similar to the BeyBlade series and so are the characters.
Grammar 8/10: Pretty god, but a few tense and grammar mistakes here and there.
Overall 7/10: I enjoyed the story but I felt as if I heard it before, not being very original. Fix up some of the issues that I mentioned and it should be fine.
Pokemon Fan Fic Series by Minho.
This story is a bit confusing; you jump from one scene to another a bit too much. Jumping scenes is okay; you don't have to write every single detail but you must remember to jump scenes at the right climax, feeling and atmosphere of the current event happening in the story. Considering it is fan-fiction, it seems mediocre and highly superior to some others in the forum but otherwise, it's quite decent. You, more or less, put more effort into this than most writers here because you actually take time to capitalize but you still have some mistakes here and there. One more thing, you don't need to start a new line every sentence; try starting a new line once you wrote 9 - 15 sentences depending on length.
Characters 6/10 : Like I said, considering that this is fan-fiction, they're quite okay. However, your main character might just be a Mary-Sue; you don't name your characters after your own name or username.
Plot (No Score) : It's a fan-fic; the story is based on a plot that was already founded. However, try not to jump from scenes like I stated above.
Originality (No Score) : Fan-fic. However though, I'd give 5/10 for the character names.
Grammar, punctuation, spelling and spacing 5/10: You have a medium amount of mistakes, most of them being punctuation and spacing.
Overall 6/10: Overall, fix the mistakes, try not to make event cliche, make sure that Minho doesn't turn out as a Mary- Sue, don't jump scenes and the WBO YC Forum finally will have a good fan-fic after a long time. (A very very very very very....you get my point.)
One day, two bladers were battling in park.
This was a red flag for me. Abruptly starting a story on this was something I hoped never to see. Metal Warriors is a decent story, idea-wise, if not a bit cliched. Mysterious opponent? Check. Best friends? Check. First opponent MUCH stronger than the main character, Jake? Check, check and check. While we have all seen this before, maybe it wouldn't seem so cliched if there was an ounce of description.
Case in point: In chapter 1, there are a total of 12 sentences of description. Unfortunately, that is still a whole third of the chapter. There is no description, and the chapters are short. As a result, I find myself with my usual demeanor about confusing developments meant to increase suspense. "So what?" Ask yourself this, NPB. Whenever you write, ask yourself "So What?" "Why should my readers care if this happens or not? Why do they care if this happens to this specific character? How will this make readers feel?" You HAVE to ask this before a cliffhanger. Or any development, really. Otherwise, we ask the same question. "Why do I care? Wait... I don't." Or "So what? We all know how this is going to end, anyway. No point in reading further." Do this, and the story will be much better. You can do this even better by adding more description and volume in future chapters.
And the real issue here is simple. Not story. Not the size. Not description. It starts with a G. Yup, a usual Temporal grammar rant. This could use quite a bit of work. If you have to, run it through Microsoft Word before posting ANY sort of story. If you don't have that, e-mail or PM it to someone to edit. It is that simple. If you do not want to do that, then edit it yourself with a grammar book handy. The bottom line is, the grammar is lackadaisical. Lazy. Or simple non-existent. I understand that the writer did his/her best. I get it. But this can improve a LOT before being called good.
Temporal's final score: Beyblade: Metal Warriors gets a 3/10. The effort just isn't there. It seems like NPB just wrote this out of boredom. You do EVERYTHING with the intention of it being a good as it can be. I think you can improve, if you work. Good luck, and I hope you succeed, NPB.
I would like to start off by saying that I am very happy with the writers topic, a non-beyblade story. there is nothing wrong with beyblade stories, and yes it makes life harder for reviewers trying to compare stories. However this shows the writers imagination is not limited to one style, and this is always are good starting point. Now onto the good and bad of the story, i'll start with the good. The topic. The topic of the story is something that has been done before in a sense, but the addition of the cards and weapon styles are original. the design of the weapons intrigued me because the way he described it left it so alot of things could happen related to it. The names. Names are one of the first things I look at in a story. If the names are too cheesy or related to the object I often find it puts me off reading the story. An interesting name has to be simple and that is exactly how it is in this story.
Now for the bad. Spelling and grammar. There are some minor spelling mistakes in the story that should be easy to spot, spell checking is often a good idea. I recommend typing it in word then copy and paste when finalised. Grammar, not so bad, some parts that don't seem to make sense in the story but generally ok. Description. Description needs improving in this story. Mainly there being a lack of it. I felt like parts of the story could have been improved greatly if they were described in every minute little detail for example:
'It feels like someone is forcing itself to fuse into me. I scream and shout, and after a few moments. It finally ends. I see my hands blazing with some blue abstract energy. I look into the mirror. My eyes has somehow changed from Black to Mako and my hair has white strips on it. I look back and hear voices, guards appear outside the door.'
this sentence has minor description, however similes/metaphors could have been used in several places, and another thing is sentence starters. the sentences mainly begin with I or My, which are dull words that could be changed to not have them at all.
so time for rating:
characters: 8/10
the characters have clear structure and their attitudes are easy to interpret each one being different to each other. their personalities are clear and can be used in many ways.
Idea: 6/10
so far the idea seems to be partially however it is quite early in the story and there could be many developments to change this.
description: 5/10
the description could be there but it isn't, the opportunities are clear and could easily be added.
overall: 7/10
so far the story is intriguing, however action scenes could be enhanced and more description as I say, minor spelling and grammar mistakes should be fixed. characters and some ideas are very imaginative and I will be happy to read this story again.
Nightmare
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-N-GHTMAR...#pid948247
Plot: 7/10
Pretty good plot. The idea of the story is good. This story is unlike many others. Advance further into this story!
Grammer :5/10 Good for present tense. Are you trying to tell a story? If you were writing a story, people usually use past tense.
Characters:?/10 Unable to tell. The story hasn't gone far. I cannot know what/how the character is before they are describled by their actions.
Chapter: 4/10 The chapters are too short. Try to get them as long as a published book. Remember, a chapter is NOT a paragraph. Much of your stories have chapters as short as paragraphs. There is some content though.
Overall grade: 6/10
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Name you want to be called by:
Writing Experience:
Best Paragraph you can do: (Can be from your story)
Thank you,
Cygnus
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