Sent in my first review of Nightmare!

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TUMBLR

/r/YoutubeLetsPlay

I think it was fine. Aren't getting many reviews in. And the ones that I have, the people I have assigned them to haven't done them yet.

sorry here's my review for Empire of Dissonance:

Spoiler (Click to View)

I would like to start off by saying that I am very happy with the writers topic, a non-beyblade story. there is nothing wrong with beyblade stories, and yes it makes life harder for reviewers trying to compare stories. However this shows the writers imagination is not limited to one style, and this is always are good starting point. Now onto the good and bad of the story, i'll start with the good. The topic. The topic of the story is something that has been done before in a sense, but the addition of the cards and weapon styles are original. the design of the weapons intrigued me because the way he described it left it so alot of things could happen related to it. The names. Names are one of the first things I look at in a story. If the names are too cheesy or related to the object I often find it puts me off reading the story. An interesting name has to be simple and that is exactly how it is in this story.

Now for the bad. Spelling and grammar. There are some minor spelling mistakes in the story that should be easy to spot, spell checking is often a good idea. I recommend typing it in word then copy and paste when finalised. Grammar, not so bad, some parts that don't seem to make sense in the story but generally ok. Description. Description needs improving in this story. Mainly there being a lack of it. I felt like parts of the story could have been improved greatly if they were described in every minute little detail for example:

'It feels like someone is forcing itself to fuse into me. I scream and shout, and after a few moments. It finally ends. I see my hands blazing with some blue abstract energy. I look into the mirror. My eyes has somehow changed from Black to Mako and my hair has white strips on it. I look back and hear voices, guards appear outside the door.'

this sentence has minor description, however similes/metaphors could have been used in several places, and another thing is sentence starters. the sentences mainly begin with I or My, which are dull words that could be changed to not have them at all.

so time for rating:

characters: 8/10
the characters have clear structure and their attitudes are easy to interpret each one being different to each other. their personalities are clear and can be used in many ways.

Idea: 6/10
so far the idea seems to be partially however it is quite early in the story and there could be many developments to change this.

description: 5/10
the description could be there but it isn't, the opportunities are clear and could easily be added.

overall: 7/10
so far the story is intriguing, however action scenes could be enhanced and more description as I say, minor spelling and grammar mistakes should be fixed. characters and some ideas are very imaginative and I will be happy to read this story again.

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Thanks for the review .:J:.!!! Awesome. This will improve me very much. Besides, 7 is my favorite number!

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Great Scott! Signature made by me finally!
"That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me... This One's A Fighter!" Gym Class Heroes Feat. Ryan Tedder, "The Fighter"

Call me Septy, if my name's too long; Read my stories: Shadows of The Condemned, The Lost Birthday and The Crimson Winter

no problem thats what i'm here for.

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The link to Temportal's forum doesn't work. At least not for me.

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I know, it doesn't for me either. When I tried to edit it, it was fine, so I presumed it was just me. I'll have another look.

EDIT: Got it. Repeated http:// twice.

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gfx by daD: sig & avatar

username:fakir(some call me chocolate rain cause i'm so tall you dont have to)

experience:in class my teacher says im one of is best students and I wrote a book as a young kid (not published) called my son and me with my mom (i was 5 at the time) and i just love writing

best paragraph: (not finished)chapter 3words
Nuri strikes and I quickly jump back and doge it not noticing the brick wall behind me I smash into it and Nuri manages to put a deep cut in my leg I get up and start to do a fast limp toward Nuri he attacks again but this time I doge it and strike at his one blind point,his left shoulder he falls to the floor and put my sword to his throat."your skills haven't changed a bit have they Nuri" I say with a grin"always rushing in head first, just blind fury" I continue.
Before I can finish a arrow comes from nowhere and hits me in my back and through my chest I quickly bleed out.Nuri flashes me a grin as I fall to the floor as he gets up and staggers away."UCHI" Illinia screams as she rushes to my side with Jake and Shira coming close behind."don't worry........I'll be fine" I say as my brown eyes stare lifelessly stare at the sunset.

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Generally astounding.

God, I've been lurking around and finally decided to try this out.

username: Shirayuki

experience: been writing since I was 10 (I'm twelve yo)

best paragraph:
Chapter 1 paragraph 3
I look out the window, All I see is a wheat field. It's been 3 years since my parents died in a car accident. I have to move to my friend's house, but I don't want to. I suddenly fall asleep into a dream like no other. All I see is black. But a figure in front of me approaches.
"Daddy, Daddy! want to play catch?" He asks.
Who is he talking to?
"Sure!" A voice replies.
That voice sounds familliar. That's my father, and that kid is me. I fall to the ground crying. Why am I in this dream? Get me out of here. This isn't what I wanted at all. Luckly The train finally stopped waking me up. I exited the train only to see my friend, Haruhi.
"Ochiru!" She exclaims.
"Hey..." I reply.
Why is she so nice to me? I notice how cold it was.
"Why i-is it so-o cold-d?" I ask.
"What? It's warm." She says back.
"I'm leaving," I shoot back.
I turn around and start walking, but then a soft hand touches my shoulder. I look over my shoulder and see Haruhi and her puppy eyes. Can't say no to that eh?
"Fine... I'll stay," I said.
She starts jumping for joy. After that we walk back to her house.

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https://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblad...pid1530998

PLEASE READ MY STORY PLEASE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^