[Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up.

Poll: Do you like [Lonely]

Great.
100.00%
1
Its fine.
0%
0
Not really...
0%
0
Total: 100% 1 vote(s)
Hey everyone. TakasuMouce here with a new story. Check it out!



UPDATES:
Quote:I won't be posting much chapters here. I will be making it into an eBook, and maybe a few hard copies for people to buy!

If you have an idea, please PM me!

Updates:

All three chapters are now combined into one.
New Characters!
Book Cover created!
Story Line altered!
Quotes added for each chapter!


The whole story has been reworked! Hang on tight as I dive into a few months of research, writing, and editing! See you all soon! And remember, you can also contact me on my blog ( http://tristonli.tumblr.com ) or on this site! You can also email me!

Wanna help with the editing? Also contact me!

Hope I don't get another writer's block. Music and blogging just stepped on me. But this time, the story will be a lot more fascinating!

The story will also be extra long, since the story line says so!

Smile Hope you guys enjoy the "preview" in the OP (First Chapter). And if you have any tips, be sure to post them here or send them to me!

The world is a big, large place, and has a lot of people. Sometimes, a bit too many. A young boy find the truth to his existence, and the truth about the world.




A New Life (Click to View)


Judgmental (Click to View)

Tell me what you think.
Okay, so far, the writing is pretty good. Spelling and grammar are pretty on point, save for "She hand me some tissues.", which should be, "she handed". Probably a typo, but a mistake nonetheless. Also, some parts seem a bit repetitive, like "No one there. No one to help me. No one to support me. No one. None." This could be shortened down to "No one there. No one to help or support me. Absolutely no one." Still gets the point across and still emphasizes his loneliness. And, you should try adding a bit more detail. Remember, humans (most, at least) have five fully working senses that are usually very sensitive. Eyes can see a lot of things, even small ones. Smells help too. Emotions; besides loneliness, I can't really see any. Is he angry? Is he sad? How's he coping with this?
Alright. Thanks for your feedback! Ill change the typo, and Ill focus on his other feeling in the next chapter. This was the emotional type of chapter to set up the story.

Next chapter coming later today!
Well, after tragedies like this, it is not uncommon for someone to be utterly numb for a long time. Usually it gives way to full-blown depression or simply going insane, but it happens. And I agree with Noodoo on the description. Try to paint a picture with words. (And no paintbrush. I know, cruel.) Though I have one major complaint. The name. It doesn't fit. Takasu. In New York? Hrm... Kinda iffy. If you need help with a name, PM me or another writer, but... I'm not feeling the name. Plus it's part of your username. That makes him seem like a Author Avatar. NOBODY wants an AA. It's a direct lead-up to a Mary Sue.
it seems like it could be a really good "dark" story.
Wow, this is marvelous, Takasu! I love the brilliant touches of angst, tragedy, and hopelessness at the beginning! I agree that you should add feelings of scent, touch, and hearing to the dream/nightmare/flashback, but other than that, it was perfect, and I can't wait for the next chapter, so keep up the great writing!

I live by the number three.
Listen to Noodoo and Temp, and you'll be set XD

Nice story line, but a bit sad to see you dropped the other one Unhappy
I dropped the other one because of idea issues.
I had too many XD.

But alright, I listen to of you. That's what an author does. Chapter two is being typed right now!
Yes, new chapter!!! I don't think that Takasu belongs there like he told himself he did. I wouldn't want to be in a lonely place like that, without any privacy to sketch stuff, or any nature to collect inspiration from... Crying Poor Takasu... Great job as always!
Next is the good part.
Chapter three coming most likely tomorrow!

Got an idea? PM me!

At NooDoo: The repeating thing was so that there was enthasis. Then simply:
I was lonely.

It makes it sound like "I" was lonely by putting a sentance there all by itself. But next time Ill use different words.
Sorry about double posting, but Chapter 3 is up. Kinda short...

Got an idea? PM me!

Inspiration = I was listening to Morphongenetic Sorrow when it was raining, adding to my already depressing, cold mood. Then a girl was sitting at a bench next to a subway station, inspiring me.
I felt loneliness pulse through the air.
(Aug. 17, 2012  9:13 PM)Takasu Wrote: Inspiration = I was listening to Morphongenetic Sorrow

Crying Right in the feels, didn't it? Listen to Recollection, its better. Much happier at least.
I kinda needed some songs for my brain to cause "Natural highness" for the ping pong game. My hands were shaking so much after listening to the music.

Anyways, I'm open for ideas!
Morphogenetic Sorrow is supposed to be a depressing song. A better choice an be found in my sig XD Or Unary Game XD
I get mad when I'm depressed, that's why I get mad all the time.

Chapter 4 coming tomorrow!
I almost knock you for the Minecraft reference, but overall not bad. A bit on the short side, though, so I can't get much of a feel for anything. You can take your time with the chapters, if you need to.
I kinda need to get chapters up regularly, because if I don't, my interests shift, and I have a great change of discontinuing.
I don't really want that.
But I actually never plan on what I write. I just make it up on the way.

Chapter 4 will be delayed!
Coming MONDAY!
Chapter 4 will be delayed until further notice!

I need ideas. Its a problem, when I write a story, I go off with a good start. Then I run out of ideas. SO...

You got an idea? PM me it!
The story is finally being revived! This story will be combined with "Three Mice of the Stars" due to lack of ideas! Good going, my useless brain!

Please enjoy this song while you read this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6plhCyZmdU



I won't be posting much chapters here. I will be making it into an eBook, and maybe a few hard copies for people to buy!

If you have an idea, please PM me!

Updates:

All three chapters are now combined into one.
New Characters!
Book Cover created!
Story Line altered!
Quotes added for each chapter!


The whole story has been reworked! Hang on tight as I dive into a few months of research, writing, and editing! See you all soon! And remember, you can also contact me on my blog ( http://tristonli.tumblr.com ) or on this site! You can also email me!

Wanna help with the editing? Also contact me!

Hope I don't get another writer's block. Music and blogging just stepped on me. But this time, the story will be a lot more fascinating!

The story will also be extra long, since the story line says so!

Smile Hope you guys enjoy the "preview" in the OP (First Chapter). And if you have any tips, be sure to post them here or send them to me!