[Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 16, 2012
Hey everyone. TakasuMouce here with a new story. Check it out!
UPDATES:
Quote:I won't be posting much chapters here. I will be making it into an eBook, and maybe a few hard copies for people to buy!
If you have an idea, please PM me!
Updates:
All three chapters are now combined into one.
New Characters!
Book Cover created!
Story Line altered!
Quotes added for each chapter!
The whole story has been reworked! Hang on tight as I dive into a few months of research, writing, and editing! See you all soon! And remember, you can also contact me on my blog ( http://tristonli.tumblr.com ) or on this site! You can also email me!
Wanna help with the editing? Also contact me!
Hope I don't get another writer's block. Music and blogging just stepped on me. But this time, the story will be a lot more fascinating!
The story will also be extra long, since the story line says so!
Smile Hope you guys enjoy the "preview" in the OP (First Chapter). And if you have any tips, be sure to post them here or send them to me!
The world is a big, large place, and has a lot of people. Sometimes, a bit too many. A young boy find the truth to his existence, and the truth about the world.
I laid on the cold, damp floor. The sun was rising, the light creeping into the lids of my eyes. Slowly, my eyes opened, and I began to get up. My body ached, but I managed to get up onto my feet. I looked around.
The environment was normal; a typical Autumn day, including the bright orange, red, and brown leaves. The trees were almost bare; just a few leaves clung on. Wind blew, and it ran through my hair.
But something was uncontrollably wrong.
It was my memories.
I thought, I thought hard. I wondered, I felt confused.
Flames erupting around me. Screams, and frantic yelling.
My house was on fire.
Three men ran through the house with guns, AK-47s to be exact. They yelled, and they shot.
They killed.
Everyone.
But me.
They put the weight on me. They left me alive. They tortured me from the inside.
Then, I woke. I woke from a flashback. No, a nightmare. A horror.
My heart, pounding. I could hear blood rushing in my ears. My eyes began to water.
My family is gone. I have nowhere to go.
But I still stood on my feet, and I looked up to the sky.
Maybe, maybe now I can start my independent life. One I choose.
I looked to the ground, and ashes laid on the burnt grass. I looked behind me to find a darkened floor. It was where my house once stood.
No one there. No one to help me. No one to support me. No one. None.
I felt lonely.
Into my ears, was the chirping of birds. The sun was rising, and it was morning. I din't know where I was going, but began to head off in a random direction.
I soon met a city; NYC. People around me. Running, walking, rushing. Taxis flooded the road with people moving in a frenzy. It was a noisy and populated place. But I was alone.
I walked through the streets, and I looked around corners. I looked at buildings, and I looked at people. I walked around, and around. I didn't know what to do.
I approached an orphanage.
I guess thats the only place I can go now.
I began walking towards the building. A marble floor. A revolving door. Well lit with a chandelier. It appeared to be high class; very similar to a 5 star hotel.
A woman was at the desk. She stood there, her dark brown hair resting on her shoulders as she chatted on the phone. She ended when I began to walk toward the desk.
"Hello young man. How may I help you today?" She asked in a kind, soft voice.
I was quickly drawn to her, and became fond. I didn't feel a hint of shyness when I began speaking.
"I guess... I could say I'm an orphan." I said, truly unsure about what to say.
"What do you mean? And why are you here alone? Where is your guardian?"
"Long story short, my, m-my family, i-is dead." I said, as my eyes started to water, tears slowly rolling down my face and dropping lightly onto the ground.
The woman acted fast, and she took tissues from a drawer from the desk. She handed me some tissues.
"Come with me. I'll take you somewhere where we can discuss this matter without any interruptions."
I nodded, still looking at the floor with tissues held up to my face. She led me to a room. An office. A man sat behind a large desk. A name plate sat in front of a black pen holder.
The plate read 'Ledrick Dafid' with the words 'Head of NYC Orphanage'.
I guess I'll talk to him.
"Alright. You can sit down right there." He said as he pointed to a black chair, the ones you usually find at a principals' office.
I sat down, and we began our conversation. I explained how my house was burnt down, my family getting killed my the mass murderers, and how I ended up at the orphanage. He understood my feelings perfectly, and made me feel at home; someone I was lacking.
After the long conversation, which took three hours, we finally ended up with him handing me a contract.
"This is so that we can hold responsibility for you." He said.
I looked the paper over, and finally decided to sign. I wrote my name on the line as well as the date at the bottom. He took a look at the page as I handed it back.
"Takasu Yasu, welcome." He took out his hand. We had a hand shake.
After their handshake, the man led me to a room. Full of young children. That were noisy. I looked around the white room and saw it kinda looked like a classroom, but without the chairs, and desks.
He clapped his hand and the children quieted down.
"Hello boys and girls. We have a new person at our orphanage." The man said. "Please follow Ms. Mickel."
The woman, who apparently was called Ms. Mickel, began to gather up the children and got them in a pretty strait line; or at lease for a group of kids who seemed to be four to five year old. Some licked their hands, and some jumped around. A little girl sat in the corner, her hands crossed, and her nose red. She sobbed loudly, and and screamed "I want my mommy and daddy!" In a desperate voice. I felt heartbroken when I saw her, unable to speak, as it felt like my heart was stuck in my throat. I wanted to help very badly, but I didn't know how. Then Ms. Mickel walked over to her.
Ms. Mickel acted calmly, keeping her cool. She gently talked to her and managed to get her up.
Mr. Dafid handed Ms. Mickel tissues from his pocket, and wispered into my ear. "She is new. She came three days ago, when her mother and fatehr were unable to care for her do to their health problems. She didn't have anywhere to go."
I nodded, looking at the little girl. She slowly got up from the matted floor, dusted off her hands, and began to take stedy steps towards the line of children. Ms. Mickel began to lead them off.
Mr. Dafid led me to a new room, and I could feel the atmosphere change. Kids, all looking like they were in the age range of 8-13, populated the quite large, room. It had a hardwood floor, some computers, chairs, and books. The TV in the background played a commercial loudly.
I guess this is where I belong.
Teens were listening to their IPods, and a group of kids were gathered by the TV.
I took a while for Mr. Dafid to get them to quite down, but when they did, they stared at me.
This was the first time I felt nervous in a while. Some looked at me awkwardly, and some whispered to each other.
Oh man, they already started to judge me.
I adjusted my glasses, and blinked. I put my hand on my neck, and felt sweat running down my back. The TV was then turned off, making a quick sizz sound.
"Please, everyone, follow me into the main room."
The kids and teen gathered into a group, and we left the nicely lit room.
I then stepped foot in a room, a long, vast room, the size of an average cafeteria. At the end of the room was a stage, about 4 feet high. The tiled floor reflected the bright, white lights.
Mr. Dafid led me up the stage, and handed me a microphone.
Oh, come on. Everyone should know I have stage fright...
Mr. Dafid simply asked me to introduce myself. And so I did.
I slowly walked to the edge of the wood stage, and looked down.
Eyes stared. People whispered. Children poked each other.
And then I started to talk.
"Well, I'm kinda new here, so yeah."
My voice echoed.
"I'm like 12, and my name is Takasu Yasu. I am a top student of my school, but its summer. So yeah. Well, I-I came here b-because m-my..."
I stopped short.
I swallowed, and found my voice again.
"My, my family was killed."
Then the phone to the right sized of the huge room rang. Mr. Dafid rushed over, and everyone in the room began to chat. Mr. Dafid raised up his hand and people began to quite down once again. He talked, and when he was finished, he walked over to me.
He again whispered into my ear, and this time I was put in pure shock.
The police had just called and had investigated my family's case.
They told us that it was a group of terrorists who killed my family and ruined most of my life.
I was in shock, and I was angry, but I put I had to the side. I pushed it to the back of my mind. I had an introduction, and I had to finish it. I have to learn about my future.
I need to know what life I have in front of me.
And so I began once again.
And when I finished, I was guided to the 8-13 age group room.
And the judgments began.
Kids began to say I'm a nerd, because of my glasses, and me being at the top of my school class.
Wait, what school do I go to now?
Anyways, kids also said I looked kinda cool, and some began to ask questions.
"How did your family die?"
"What do you like?"
"Do you play Minecraft?"
Tell me what you think.
RE: [Story] Lonely - NoodooSoup - Aug. 16, 2012
Okay, so far, the writing is pretty good. Spelling and grammar are pretty on point, save for "She hand me some tissues.", which should be, "she handed". Probably a typo, but a mistake nonetheless. Also, some parts seem a bit repetitive, like "No one there. No one to help me. No one to support me. No one. None." This could be shortened down to "No one there. No one to help or support me. Absolutely no one." Still gets the point across and still emphasizes his loneliness. And, you should try adding a bit more detail. Remember, humans (most, at least) have five fully working senses that are usually very sensitive. Eyes can see a lot of things, even small ones. Smells help too. Emotions; besides loneliness, I can't really see any. Is he angry? Is he sad? How's he coping with this?
RE: [Story] Lonely - TakasuMouce - Aug. 16, 2012
Alright. Thanks for your feedback! Ill change the typo, and Ill focus on his other feeling in the next chapter. This was the emotional type of chapter to set up the story.
Next chapter coming later today!
RE: [Story] Lonely - Temporal - Aug. 16, 2012
Well, after tragedies like this, it is not uncommon for someone to be utterly numb for a long time. Usually it gives way to full-blown depression or simply going insane, but it happens. And I agree with Noodoo on the description. Try to paint a picture with words. (And no paintbrush. I know, cruel.) Though I have one major complaint. The name. It doesn't fit. Takasu. In New York? Hrm... Kinda iffy. If you need help with a name, PM me or another writer, but... I'm not feeling the name. Plus it's part of your username. That makes him seem like a Author Avatar. NOBODY wants an AA. It's a direct lead-up to a Mary Sue.
RE: [Story] Lonely - kyoyatategami - Aug. 16, 2012
it seems like it could be a really good "dark" story.
RE: [Story] Lonely - Duck - Aug. 16, 2012
Wow, this is marvelous, Takasu! I love the brilliant touches of angst, tragedy, and hopelessness at the beginning! I agree that you should add feelings of scent, touch, and hearing to the dream/nightmare/flashback, but other than that, it was perfect, and I can't wait for the next chapter, so keep up the great writing!
I live by the number three.
RE: [Story] Lonely - sarabscientist - Aug. 17, 2012
Listen to Noodoo and Temp, and you'll be set XD
Nice story line, but a bit sad to see you dropped the other one
RE: [Story] Lonely - TakasuMouce - Aug. 17, 2012
I dropped the other one because of idea issues.
I had too many XD.
But alright, I listen to of you. That's what an author does. Chapter two is being typed right now!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 2 Up. - Duck - Aug. 17, 2012
Yes, new chapter!!! I don't think that Takasu belongs there like he told himself he did. I wouldn't want to be in a lonely place like that, without any privacy to sketch stuff, or any nature to collect inspiration from... Poor Takasu... Great job as always!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 2 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 17, 2012
Next is the good part.
Chapter three coming most likely tomorrow!
Got an idea? PM me!
At NooDoo: The repeating thing was so that there was enthasis. Then simply:
I was lonely.
It makes it sound like "I" was lonely by putting a sentance there all by itself. But next time Ill use different words.
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 17, 2012
Sorry about double posting, but Chapter 3 is up. Kinda short...
Got an idea? PM me!
Inspiration = I was listening to Morphongenetic Sorrow when it was raining, adding to my already depressing, cold mood. Then a girl was sitting at a bench next to a subway station, inspiring me.
I felt loneliness pulse through the air.
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - sarabscientist - Aug. 17, 2012
(Aug. 17, 2012 9:13 PM)Takasu Wrote: Inspiration = I was listening to Morphongenetic Sorrow
Right in the feels, didn't it? Listen to Recollection, its better. Much happier at least.
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 17, 2012
I kinda needed some songs for my brain to cause "Natural highness" for the ping pong game. My hands were shaking so much after listening to the music.
Anyways, I'm open for ideas!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - sarabscientist - Aug. 17, 2012
Morphogenetic Sorrow is supposed to be a depressing song. A better choice an be found in my sig XD Or Unary Game XD
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 17, 2012
I get mad when I'm depressed, that's why I get mad all the time.
Chapter 4 coming tomorrow!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - Temporal - Aug. 18, 2012
I almost knock you for the Minecraft reference, but overall not bad. A bit on the short side, though, so I can't get much of a feel for anything. You can take your time with the chapters, if you need to.
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Aug. 18, 2012
I kinda need to get chapters up regularly, because if I don't, my interests shift, and I have a great change of discontinuing.
I don't really want that.
But I actually never plan on what I write. I just make it up on the way.
Chapter 4 will be delayed!
Coming MONDAY!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Sep. 16, 2012
Chapter 4 will be delayed until further notice!
I need ideas. Its a problem, when I write a story, I go off with a good start. Then I run out of ideas. SO...
You got an idea? PM me it!
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - ghost22 - Sep. 16, 2012
i got a couple
RE: [Story] Lonely Chapter 3 Up. - TakasuMouce - Mar. 27, 2013
The story is finally being revived! This story will be combined with "Three Mice of the Stars" due to lack of ideas! Good going, my useless brain!
Please enjoy this song while you read this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6plhCyZmdU
I won't be posting much chapters here. I will be making it into an eBook, and maybe a few hard copies for people to buy!
If you have an idea, please PM me!
Updates:
All three chapters are now combined into one.
New Characters!
Book Cover created!
Story Line altered!
Quotes added for each chapter!
The whole story has been reworked! Hang on tight as I dive into a few months of research, writing, and editing! See you all soon! And remember, you can also contact me on my blog ( http://tristonli.tumblr.com ) or on this site! You can also email me!
Wanna help with the editing? Also contact me!
Hope I don't get another writer's block. Music and blogging just stepped on me. But this time, the story will be a lot more fascinating!
The story will also be extra long, since the story line says so!
Hope you guys enjoy the "preview" in the OP (First Chapter). And if you have any tips, be sure to post them here or send them to me!
|