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Temporal's Reviews (Click to View)

First Review! Beyblade: Metal Warriors (Click to View)

One day, two bladers were battling in park.

This was a red flag for me. Abruptly starting a story on this was something I hoped never to see. Metal Warriors is a decent story, idea-wise, if not a bit cliched. Mysterious opponent? Check. Best friends? Check. First opponent MUCH stronger than the main character, Jake? Check, check and check. While we have all seen this before, maybe it wouldn't seem so cliched if there was an ounce of description.

Case in point: In chapter 1, there are a total of 12 sentences of description. Unfortunately, that is still a whole third of the chapter. There is no description, and the chapters are short. As a result, I find myself with my usual demeanor about confusing developments meant to increase suspense. "So what?" Ask yourself this, NPB. Whenever you write, ask yourself "So What?" "Why should my readers care if this happens or not? Why do they care if this happens to this specific character? How will this make readers feel?" You HAVE to ask this before a cliffhanger. Or any development, really. Otherwise, we ask the same question. "Why do I care? Wait... I don't." Or "So what? We all know how this is going to end, anyway. No point in reading further." Do this, and the story will be much better. You can do this even better by adding more description and volume in future chapters.

And the real issue here is simple. Not story. Not the size. Not description. It starts with a G. Yup, a usual Temporal grammar rant. This could use quite a bit of work. If you have to, run it through Microsoft Word before posting ANY sort of story. If you don't have that, e-mail or PM it to someone to edit. It is that simple. If you do not want to do that, then edit it yourself with a grammar book handy. The bottom line is, the grammar is lackadaisical. Lazy. Or simple non-existent. I understand that the writer did his/her best. I get it. But this can improve a LOT before being called good.

Temporal's final score: Beyblade: Metal Warriors gets a 3/10. The effort just isn't there. It seems like NPB just wrote this out of boredom. You do EVERYTHING with the intention of it being a good as it can be. I think you can improve, if you work. Good luck, and I hope you succeed, NPB.

.:J:.'s Reviews (Click to View)

Spoiler (Click to View)

I would like to start off by saying that I am very happy with the writers topic, a non-beyblade story. there is nothing wrong with beyblade stories, and yes it makes life harder for reviewers trying to compare stories. However this shows the writers imagination is not limited to one style, and this is always are good starting point. Now onto the good and bad of the story, i'll start with the good. The topic. The topic of the story is something that has been done before in a sense, but the addition of the cards and weapon styles are original. the design of the weapons intrigued me because the way he described it left it so alot of things could happen related to it. The names. Names are one of the first things I look at in a story. If the names are too cheesy or related to the object I often find it puts me off reading the story. An interesting name has to be simple and that is exactly how it is in this story.

Now for the bad. Spelling and grammar. There are some minor spelling mistakes in the story that should be easy to spot, spell checking is often a good idea. I recommend typing it in word then copy and paste when finalised. Grammar, not so bad, some parts that don't seem to make sense in the story but generally ok. Description. Description needs improving in this story. Mainly there being a lack of it. I felt like parts of the story could have been improved greatly if they were described in every minute little detail for example:

'It feels like someone is forcing itself to fuse into me. I scream and shout, and after a few moments. It finally ends. I see my hands blazing with some blue abstract energy. I look into the mirror. My eyes has somehow changed from Black to Mako and my hair has white strips on it. I look back and hear voices, guards appear outside the door.'

this sentence has minor description, however similes/metaphors could have been used in several places, and another thing is sentence starters. the sentences mainly begin with I or My, which are dull words that could be changed to not have them at all.

so time for rating:

characters: 8/10
the characters have clear structure and their attitudes are easy to interpret each one being different to each other. their personalities are clear and can be used in many ways.

Idea: 6/10
so far the idea seems to be partially however it is quite early in the story and there could be many developments to change this.

description: 5/10
the description could be there but it isn't, the opportunities are clear and could easily be added.

overall: 7/10
so far the story is intriguing, however action scenes could be enhanced and more description as I say, minor spelling and grammar mistakes should be fixed. characters and some ideas are very imaginative and I will be happy to read this story again.

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