Temporal's novel-Where the Angel Sings

Poll: What do you think of the story?

Amazing! I love it!
70.59%
12
It's pretty good, I guess.
29.41%
5
Total: 100% 17 vote(s)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 4.5
Chapter 5 (This one is kinda short.)
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12-Character Reveal!
Chapter 13

Chapter 14
nice, i can understand why you got a good mark on the test for your character, and thank god an original type of story which isn't beyblade! i'm getting sick of bey stories popping up!
I've got a bit more written, but I need to check it first. I find it pretty cool that you can mess with what's normally accepted as fact and use it for a story. Such as: Why do angels all have to be these nice people? Can't they be jerks sometimes, too? Not I. And who says that you can't be born with bad luck? Certainly not I.
yea i like the way you twisted how people think normally and made it funny, i definitely think you have talent, maybe I can teach you some tricks sometime!
If you ask me, I say temporal should be teaching you...

Great stoy so far! I'll post a review when I get home.
oi that was harsh, i'm serious. I mean I almost got my own story published...
Oy, anyone can be up for new things, right? Heck, I'll learn from a homeless person if it means I could get better at writing.
Didn't mean to offned you. Your comment seemed a little brazen so I was backing temporal up.

Sorry for derailing the thread.
A lot of bad stories get published. Just saying. That's like saying Katy Pery is a good singer because she's famous.
apology excepted, i mean it does sound kinda bigheaded, but i just like pointing out i'm not a noob writer, sorry bout that.
Eh, the conversation is done now. Sparta said he was sorry, Nwolf elaborated, so it's over and done with. Oh! There's an anime reference somewhere in the first chapter. Just pointing it out.
Okay, finished editing Chapter 2, and I just posted it. Obviously, this chapter introduces the angel, but it also introduces a recurring character that will be appearing every so often. Mind you, the chapter won't make much sense, nor will one character's odd mood changes until Chapter 3, so bear with me please.
You're right about that. I was wondering what went on with Rui. And then Yuri appears. Who in the world is Yuri? Lol.
The person waiting outside of his door from Chapter one. Hah, actually, I wrote it so people would say that. Like: "What the hell? Who is this person!?" and have a bomb dropped on them when they realized that they just forgot.
I arrive at my room, only to see the members of the Literature Composers’ Society sitting by my door. “What’s up?” The President, and one of my only friends from high school, Yuri Inoe, shrugs in a careless way. “You missed today’s meeting.” I start, remembering why I was headed home in the first place. “Oh, geez! Sorry, I was helping some kid, and it took a while, and… I’m just sorry.”
Here's the line. Second-to-last paragraph, chapter 1
I skimmed through it a bit. Being dyslexic, it's hard for me to read paragraphs that large.

You should look into expanding your vocabulary. You use very basic words. Also, your grammar needs a little work as well as your transitory phrases.

Unfortunately, I lost a lot of interest in the first few paragraphs because your story seems as though this is a fabricated story over a recantation. You can tell because, much like Twilight, everyone seems to know what each other is thinking. For example, that first teacher calls the main character "boy" and "kid" as if he didn't know his name, but right off the bat, he did know his name, even though it was only the main character's first week. No teacher can memorize every kid's name that fast let alone his schedule! Knowing where he was going?

On the topic of using "boy", "kid" and "man", you tend to use this too much. Nobody addresses anyone by name, so it seems. Why?
(Aug. 05, 2011  7:03 AM)Temporal Wrote: The person waiting outside of his door from Chapter one. Hah, actually, I wrote it so people would say that. Like: "What the hell? Who is this person!?" and have a bomb dropped on them when they realized that they just forgot.
I arrive at my room, only to see the members of the Literature Composers’ Society sitting by my door. “What’s up?” The President, and one of my only friends from high school, Yuri Inoe, shrugs in a careless way. “You missed today’s meeting.” I start, remembering why I was headed home in the first place. “Oh, geez! Sorry, I was helping some kid, and it took a while, and… I’m just sorry.”
Here's the line. Second-to-last paragraph, chapter 1

Oh wow. I don't know how, but I just totally missed that paragraph. I jumped from him helping the kid to eating ramen lol.
To answer Deikailo's question: Not many people respect the main character, thus they tend to call him "kid" or "boy". I thought the paragraphs might have been too long, so I went back to Word to re-write them. On the professor part, I actually didn't notice. I'll get right on that. Hopefully you'll find it more interesting once it's been reworded a bit. Thanks for the advice. On the grammar, if anyone sees any issues, please point them out. I'd hate it if there were some mistakes I missed and never took out. Thank you.

EDIT: Now that I go back and look, the "kid"/"boy" thing looks terrible. This is why you're not supposed to be hasty and check for errors as soon as you're done, people. I should have known better.
no worries, everyone makes mistakes, i made a massive one when i started to write in about an evil group using prehistoric beys in my story and realised when it came to an end i'd forgotten about them!
I'm finishing up on edits about now. I'll repost the chapters when I'm done.
Done. I went ahead and put int the revised chapter 3 too, seeing as I was updating anyway. There are a few references to some anime lines in the third chapter, including one from TMoHS. No prize for finding it, but it is pretty cool.
Question - why japan?
Well, all of my other novels were in America, so I decided to try something else. Actually, it was supposed to be Canada, but I had a change of heart at the last second. I guess I just watch too much anime, hah. I thought someone might ask that.
Also, I just finished a summer report on Japan and the customs there, so I tried to use what I put into the paper in the story, hence the "Itadakimatsu" part. Eh, I worked pretty hard on the paper, so I didn't wanna see it go to waste.
One thing Mate, when A new person starts talking start a new line, i got confused on who was talking.
I'm working on that for shorter conversations, but I've never written like that, since it causes you to add more dialogue than necessary. I like describing things, not having people describe them through talking. I'm cutting up the paragraphs now, so it shouldn't be too confusing when I'm done.
Ah, sorry for the delay, the edits to the first two chapters are almost done, along with chapter three.