(Oct. 23, 2015 3:58 AM)Tri Wrote: Before I even start this post, I want to throw out the disclaimer that this is not meant to be a sob story or an attention-seeking-sympathy story. This is why I am so torn between staying on the site or not. Here it goes …
I have sever anxiety. I'm not talking about the stereotypical teenage feeling of anxiety, I'm saying that I was diagnosed with sever anxiety and depression earlier this year. I was put on an antidepressant, but I no longer take them due to the suicidal thoughts they caused me. I take everything to heart. I have mental breakdowns for something as simple as dropping my phone, which leads to me looking at the way my life has played out the past years, and so forth. I've been on this rough path for a while and I've had to cope with it, hide it, and make sure I didn't do anything permanent to myself.
With how my brain works, I always have the feeling I am looked over. I can explain it in no better way. I feel so unimportant to everyone about everything. It's like I'm a broken bulb and everyone else is fluorescent. I feel like I've missed my chance at opportunities to do something great for the WBO so many times. The reason I used to try so hard on here was because I felt like I had nothing to do in the real world. Nothing. That's how I see myself.
Immature right? Well, I can't help how I feel. I really can NOT. I have been a member for almost 4 years. I love so many people on this site and to see everyone I "grew" with on here achieve more than I did put lot of stress on me. I don't know what to do anymore guys. I'm torn by a message board about spinning tops, aka my childhood. I just hope you all understand what I am saying. I just want my head to be understood by more than just one person, who isn't even me.
I have had similar feelings in this community (and others) for a long time, Tri. Sure, I might have my fancy italicized username and a couple of cool faces, but I don't think my contributions will ever stack up to the likes of Ingulit or TBD. I've always looked up to those two as role models of an excellent, active, productive community member - first Ingulit as someone who logically and scientifically analyzes and tests combos, and isn't afraid to try goofy stuff - and later TheBlackDragon, as a "me that could have been"; TBD joined the WBO fairly late into MFB's life cycle, but still proceeded to leap into action, learning and testing at an incredible rate that quickly made him one of the biggest contributors ever to the MFB metagame. I never really was able to do much testing - I just can't afford to buy the new parts every time something comes out, and I still don't really have everything I need to be competitive. I don't even have two Wyvangs or the Rose Gold face yet. So as I watched this member go from being the new guy to being a highly respected and generally awesome member of the community, I felt guilty and honestly pretty envious. In my first year I managed to bumble around the forums and do nothing of consequence, while TheBlackDragon goes off and does all sorts of cool stuff in his first year. I still kind of feel like I haven't tried hard enough, haven't spent enough time doing things for the WBO, and I'm really experiencing a lot of the same old feelings now that Burst is starting up - I just can't afford to buy tons of new parts that will just be outclassed in a few months anyways. Burst's wearing issues doesn't improve things, either.
But the thing I've found to be most important, both on these forums and in real life, is that in the end, it doesn't matter if you're the most prolific tester, article writer, tournament host, or whatever. I don't have to be the best at something to have value, and the little contributions that I do make still matter to the people I've helped. No matter how much time or effort you have dedicated to this community, take pride in what you
have done, even if it's not as impressive as the accomplishments of others.
I nearly cried while trying to write this, jeez. Being content with my accomplishments has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned, and has become even more important now that I'm in college. As you get into higher levels of study, and begin to work your way among the ranks of more skilled people, there will be more and more times where, to quote one of my engineering profs, "you feel like you are the dumbest person in the room". Whether you actually are the dumbest one, or even if you are the smartest one, is irrelevant. Everyone can make a useful contribution, and everyone should take pride in good work.
If you love this community, and enjoy the experience the WBO provides, I think you should stay. Try not to feel too pressured by the accomplishments of others; no one will look down on you because you don't have enough testing threads, or haven't won enough battles. Encourage others, be impressed with their successes, but don't worry about not being in the spotlight. External praise is just a bonus, not a requirement - remain happy and content with yourself, and that's all the recognition you need.