World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Story Of Lane's Sister: Athena (BBB OC Story) (Completed Until Further Notice)
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45
(Jan. 07, 2022  3:57 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 2: Beherit VS The World!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1172001900-story...lade-burst

I liked how Valt didn't lose the First Battle immediately but there are also some Slight Issues that I'd like to kindly address with this Episode are the fact that Valt and Rashad are already battling Bella and the fact that we didn't really get to see much of Bella's Personality in this Episode which I really wanted to see since we barely got to see her Character in the 1st Episode. We only really saw things from Athena's point of view which really blocks how and when Bella's going to develop throughout this series. And I know this is based off DB but to me it kinda felt too much like DB and I honestly think Bella beating Valt in the Second Episode is way to early for her to beat the WBBA World Champion even if she is a System ahead and she already lost to him with a Burst Finish I still feel like this happened way to early and I guess you could make the argument that Bell beat Valt in the 7th Episode (4th Episode in the Dub) but we kinda already got a built up and Bell had lots and lots of Training with Ranzo prior to that battle and we got to see a lot of Bell's Character before then. I'm not trying to be rude or controlling or anything like that I'm just giving my Honest Opinion Fanfic Writer to Fanfic Writer. You don't really have to improve on these again this is my opinion so feel free to just completely ignore me Like everyone does in IRL Anyways, enough about me. This Chapter other than these small nitpicks was pretty good ain't gonna lie. I'm excited to see a Showdown between Athena and Bella!
(Jan. 07, 2022  4:51 AM)UnseenBurst Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jan. 07, 2022  3:57 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 2: Beherit VS The World!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1172001900-story...lade-burst

I liked how Valt didn't lose the First Battle immediately but there are also some Slight Issues that I'd like to kindly address with this Episode are the fact that Valt and Rashad are already battling Bella and the fact that we didn't really get to see much of Bella's Personality in this Episode which I really wanted to see since we barely got to see her Character in the 1st Episode. We only really saw things from Athena's point of view which really blocks how and when Bella's going to develop throughout this series. And I know this is based off DB but to me it kinda felt too much like DB and I honestly think Bella beating Valt in the Second Episode is way to early for her to beat the WBBA World Champion even if she is a System ahead and she already lost to him with a Burst Finish I still feel like this happened way to early and I guess you could make the argument that Bell beat Valt in the 7th Episode (4th Episode in the Dub) but we kinda already got a built up and Bell had lots and lots of Training with Ranzo prior to that battle and we got to see a lot of Bell's Character before then. I'm not trying to be rude or controlling or anything like that I'm just giving my Honest Opinion Fanfic Writer to Fanfic Writer. You don't really have to improve on these again this is my opinion so feel free to just completely ignore me Like everyone does in IRL Anyways, enough about me. This Chapter other than these small nitpicks was pretty good ain't gonna lie. I'm excited to see a Showdown between Athena and Bella!

Yea I agree. Athena really did feel like the main protag which I didn't like since this is Bella's story and Athena will continue to return and I think that will steal away the development from Bella. Just my opinion. And beating VALT AOI in the second episode is just dumb. (I don't feel that way but if this was the anime people would RIP this episode.)
(Jan. 07, 2022  5:32 AM)Darkus/Flasher Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jan. 07, 2022  4:51 AM)UnseenBurst Wrote: [ -> ]I liked how Valt didn't lose the First Battle immediately but there are also some Slight Issues that I'd like to kindly address with this Episode are the fact that Valt and Rashad are already battling Bella and the fact that we didn't really get to see much of Bella's Personality in this Episode which I really wanted to see since we barely got to see her Character in the 1st Episode. We only really saw things from Athena's point of view which really blocks how and when Bella's going to develop throughout this series. And I know this is based off DB but to me it kinda felt too much like DB and I honestly think Bella beating Valt in the Second Episode is way to early for her to beat the WBBA World Champion even if she is a System ahead and she already lost to him with a Burst Finish I still feel like this happened way to early and I guess you could make the argument that Bell beat Valt in the 7th Episode (4th Episode in the Dub) but we kinda already got a built up and Bell had lots and lots of Training with Ranzo prior to that battle and we got to see a lot of Bell's Character before then. I'm not trying to be rude or controlling or anything like that I'm just giving my Honest Opinion Fanfic Writer to Fanfic Writer. You don't really have to improve on these again this is my opinion so feel free to just completely ignore me Like everyone does in IRL Anyways, enough about me. This Chapter other than these small nitpicks was pretty good ain't gonna lie. I'm excited to see a Showdown between Athena and Bella!

Yea I agree. Athena really did feel like the main protag which I didn't like since this is Bella's story and Athena will continue to return and I think that will steal away the development from Bella. Just my opinion. And beating VALT AOI in the second episode is just dumb. (I don't feel that way but if this was the anime people would RIP this episode.)

I really wouldn't use the word dumb ever while rating someone's Fanfic because a lot of work and prior consideration goes into actually making it while you have so much going on at the same time. I'm not saying you're exactly being rude I'm just saying consider how long it might've took Delta to make this episode and just don't use dumb since he's a Very Talented Fanfic Writer. Not all Chapters can be perfect.
(Jan. 07, 2022  5:37 AM)UnseenBurst Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jan. 07, 2022  5:32 AM)Darkus/Flasher Wrote: [ -> ]Yea I agree. Athena really did feel like the main protag which I didn't like since this is Bella's story and Athena will continue to return and I think that will steal away the development from Bella. Just my opinion. And beating VALT AOI in the second episode is just dumb. (I don't feel that way but if this was the anime people would RIP this episode.)

I really wouldn't use the word dumb ever while rating someone's Fanfic because a lot of work and prior consideration goes into actually making it while you have so much going on at the same time. I'm not saying you're exactly being rude I'm just saying consider how long it might've took Delta to make this episode and just don't use dumb since he's a Very Talented Fanfic Writer. Not all Chapters can be perfect.

We all say that to Beyblade Burst episodes when something BS happens, don't we? There's no need to make a big fuss about it, because it's just a bit of constructive criticism but said in a more casual way. Darkus doesn't need to make a 30-page essay about the chapter's good parts and flaws in order for it to be respectful, if it's reasonable/has reasoning behind it, then it's respectful.
Ok i genuinely feel like there has been a small little miscommunication and i apologize on that half, i'm only explaining this once so i recommend listening closely

1. Regarding Athena and Lanes Roles: These 2 gems have MASSIVE roles for just being the deuteragonists of this season. This is also the last season and the end of the Valhalla Saga for good and Athena and Lanes legacy is going with it. Having these 2 have big roles is essential in that demand. There will not be a chapter where you will not see them regardless if they're battling or not, it just has to be this way, if Athena and Lane are gonna go bye-bye then they need to have a good legacy and something people will remember when they think these 2. They are also going to be incredibly essential to the development of Bella which i will get to in just a moment.

2. Defeating Valt?! WHATTT!? Also returning legends!: Ok so, Valt is not having a big role this season. i'm just gonna go ahead and get that out of the way. Any returning legend or legacy character aren't going to have major roles in this story for that matter, they only act as a little push for Bella to become even stronger of a blader. There won't be a big tournament arc like there was in the previous 2 seasons, once the Main Antagonist shows up; all hell is going to break loose and chaos will ensue and that is pretty much the plot for the remainder of the series because there is a goal that Bella will need to complete. A role the legends would need to fill as opponents.

3. System Comparison, Time Skip + Bellas strength: I don't think i emphasized this enough but there is a pretty big time jump from Season 1 & 2 (Which pretty much retcons Sparking tbh and that was kinda the idea because it kinda sucked). DB takes place as usual, Athena and Lane don't get involved to avoid that canon universe collision and also they have better things to do than to worry about Bell Daikokuten, Rashad Goodman. Phenomeno Payne, etc and their shenanigans. 3 years literally pass after DB is over. Meaning the new Origin System is far more advanced and stronger than a normal DB Bey (for context, she could break Raphael and Valkyrie both if she wanted to but i know that would p*ss off a lot of people so yeah...). As for Bella, she is just incredibly strong and just surpasses Valt and every other legend both in raw power and skill, Valt defeating her in Ch.2 was just luck and Valt was actually serious.


I would recommend screenshotting this post and use it as future reference for this season, hopefully this will be the only time i have to explain the story and what's to come.

Any further questions? let me know.
His point stands about how beating Valt in literally the 2nd chapter was dumb as well, especially considering how Ultimate Valkyrie was meant to be the Bey that signaled the end of the Valkyrie line and as its name suggests, is THE 'ultimate' Valkyrie. So why make Valt a punching bag when you can make him a challenge to overcome? This has literally been the problem of Legends from Sparking to DB, they just get whacked around like nothing by some newcomers (save for some instances such as Free in DB). (Sidenote, I was replying to Unseen)
4. Ragnaruk Returns!!
ラグナルクが帰ってきた!!
Ragunaruku ga kaettekita! !
Release Date: TBA

Rangara confronts Bella with his new and improved Ragnaruk!


5. Bella VS Rangara!!
ベラVSランガラ!!
Bera VS rangara! !
Release Date: TBA


Bella and Rangara continue their battle as it reaches the ultimate climax!


6. Ultimate Showdown! Bella VS Athena!!
究極の対決!ベラVSアテナ!!
Kyūkyoku no taiketsu! Bera VS Atena!!
Release Date: TBA

Athena and Lane finally arrive at Bellas castle and Athena goes inside alone and challenges Bella herself. The battle between seemingly long-lost sisters has begun!
(Jan. 07, 2022  8:24 AM)SpeedySuomi Wrote: [ -> ]His point stands about how beating Valt in literally the 2nd chapter was dumb as well, especially considering how Ultimate Valkyrie was meant to be the Bey that signaled the end of the Valkyrie line and as its name suggests, is THE 'ultimate' Valkyrie. So why make Valt a punching bag when you can make him a challenge to overcome? This has literally been the problem of Legends from Sparking to DB, they just get whacked around like nothing by some newcomers (save for some instances such as Free in DB). (Sidenote, I was replying to Unseen)

Exactly. It doesn't really matter if Valt's not important to the story but the least you can do is not make him battle Bella at the start and let her grow then beat him. Even though he's not important this guy was champion for 2 whole years and beat the strongest bladers. Let's not pretend that never happened.
All Arcs and their descriptions
It's my opinion that Season 2 will be prob be better than Season Three here
Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 3: Dark Labyrinth! The Castle Of Demise!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1176036349-story...lade-burst
Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 4: Ragnaruk Returns!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1176748731-story...lade-burst
Custom Products for Season 3 Part 1

March
B-280 Booster Origin Beherit.Vengeance.High
B-281 Origin DX Set
B-282 Origin Launcher LR

April
B-283 Random Booster Vol.1 Booster Gale Ragnaruk.00Expand.Metal Never
1. Gale Ragnaruk.00E.MNv
2. Prominence Spriggan.Sh-2
3. Greatest Raphael.Z.Br'
4. Vanish Bahamut.Tp.Pl-0
5. Glide Achilles.0.MR.1D
6. Guilty Fafnir.Nx.Op'-7
7. Dangerous Ragnaruk.Gg.Ds'-3

May
B-284 Booster Atlas Spriggan.0Wall.Quattro

June
B-285 Booster Legacy Adeona.Wheel.Deluxe'
Season 3 Opening: "Push Through"

[Chorus]
(Violin solo and choir vocalization)

Push through and tackle the challenges, the bonds you share right behind you
Push through and fight to the finish line, our friendships glowing radiant!
The memories and legacies will live on!!!
I will never give up and stay down!
Because i will push through!

[Verse 1]
Never ever gonna go back, there's no point in hiding
Will it be dumb of me to cry?
Our blades are razor sharp
I miss when i would find mine
Left our heart on standby.
I will find the destiny ahead!

[Chorus]
Push through and tackle the challenges, the bonds you share right behind you
Push through and fight to the finish line, our friendships glowing radiant!
The memories and legacies will live on!!!
I will never give up and stay down!
Because i will push through!

[Verse 2]
Oooh, Oooh! Woah-o-o-oh!
Pushing through!
We'll break each and every wall.
With. A. Explosive. Burst Finish!!
It's not over, we'll keep going. We'll fight all night long if we have to!

[Chorus, Ending]
Push through and tackle the challenges, the bonds you share right behind you
Push through and fight to the finish line, our friendships glowing radiant!
The memories and legacies will live on!!!
I will never give up and stay down!
Because i will push through!

Push through and tackle the challenges, the bonds you share right behind you
Push through and fight to the finish line, our friendships glowing radiant!
The memories and legacies will live on!!!
I will never give up and stay down!
Because i will push through!
New Chapter is coming along nicely. Should be out tomorrow or Saturday.
Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 5: Beherit VS Ragnaruk!!

https://www.wattpad.com/1177480499-story...lade-burst
Gale Ragnaruk, Atlas Spriggan and Legacy Adeona descriptions
---
Gale Ragnaruk.00Expand.Metal Never (Gale Roktavor)

Gale Ragnaruk Layer (gRg) - A Ragnaruk Evolution that features about the same design as Crash and Blaze Ragnaruk with how the blades are shaped. The stamina wings work a bit differently than before, on a weak shoot the wings will not deploy but will come out on a Strong Shoot. The layer also features a lot of metal which gives it incredible weight. The face of Ragnaruk is very similar to that of Cyclone. Weight is 30.56g

00 Disk

Expand Frame (White)

Metal Never (Yellow with Orange POM

Owner: Rangara Kiyama

Special Moves: Roaring Gale, High Roaring Gale, Gale Counter

Hypothetical Release: April, Random Booster
---

Atlas Spriggan.0Wall.Quattro (Anomaly Spryzen)

Atlas Spriggan Layer (aSp) - A Dual Spin Spriggan Evolution that bears almost the shape of Cho-Z Spriggan. However Spriggan features a lot of metal in its axe blades which will allow for intense attacks, Spriggan even features rubber along its other blades for equalizing spin. The color scheme is close to that of Spriggan Requiem except the rubber is gold. the face of Spriggan is similar to that of Lord Spriggan. The weight is 32.06g

0 Disk (Painted Red)

Wall Frame (Gold)

Quattro Driver (Bright Red with black rubber)

Owner: Shu Kurenai

Special Moves: Atlas Slash, Atlas Spin

Hypothetical Release: May, Booster
---

Legacy Adeona.Romance.Deluxe' (Light Adeona)

Legacy Adeona Layer (lAd) - A Right Spin Adeona Evolution that features 4 blades that slope upwards for Upper attack but also features rubber along them, the blades also have 4 rubber blades that can be worn off in battle. The layer has metal along the outsides and Adeona also has a bound core akin to Valkyrie1 with strong blocky teeth. Adeona features the same face and color schemes from Adeona1 and 2. Weight is 31.27g

Romance Disk (Rm) - A bulky Disk that has 4 ornate designed blades going around it. The Disk also has a violet colored plastic ring that has rubber on it which can deal strong attacks from below. The disk is very heavy weighing in at about 32.98g

Deluxe Driver (Dl) - an attack type driver with a jagged wide base which slopes down to a semi-sharp tip akin to Survive. The gimmick is that the sharp tip is retracted on a strong shoot and a POM tip is now the point of contact.

Owner: Athena Valhalla

Special Moves: Legacy Bound, Legacy Saber, Deluxe Flash, Romance Sparkle

Hypothetical Release: June, Starter
7. The Princess Of Darkness Soars! The Flight To America!!
闇の姫が舞い上がる!アメリカへのフライト!!
Yami no hime ga maiagaru! Amerika e no furaito! !
Release Date: TBA

8. Riding The Vortex! Zero Stadium!!
渦に乗る!ゼロスタジアム!!
Uzu ni noru! Zero sutajiamu! !
Release Date: TBA

9. God Of Flames! Atlas Spriggan!!
炎の神!アトラススプリガン!!
Honō no kami! Atorasu supurigan! !
Release Date: TBA

10. Blazing Flames! Atlas Ember!!
燃える炎!アトラスエンバー!!
Moeru honō! Atorasu enbā! !
Release Date: TBA

11. The Perfect Strategy! The Plan That Will Defeat Spriggan!!
完璧な戦略!スプリガンを倒す計画!!
Kanpekina senryaku! Supurigan o taosu keikaku! !
Release Date: TBA

Chapter 6 will be out tonight or tomorrow.

Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 6: Ultimate Showdown! Bella VS Athena!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1179629769-story...lade-burst

Ratings or reviews are much appreciated, thanks.



Also just for fun because why not? VA's for all the new characters

Athena Valhalla - Asami Sanada (Kurumi Tokisaki's VA from Date Alive)
Lane Valhalla - Kaito Ishikawa
Bella Akazara/Valhalla - Miyuki Sawashiro
Rangara Kiyama - Fumihiro Okabayashi
Ikari Akazara/Valhalla - Minami Takahashi (Ichika Kindo VA)
Main Kuromi - Katsuyuki Konishi (Diavolo VA from JJBA Part 5)
12. Bella VS Shu!!
ベラVSシュウ!!
Bera VS Shū! !
Release Date: TBA

13. Swirling Darkness! Origin Thunder!!
渦巻く闇!オリジンサンダー!!
Uzumaku yami! Orijin sandā! !
Release Date: TBA

14. The Princess Of Light! Legacy Adeona!!
光の王女!レガシーアデオナ!!
Hikari no ōjo! Regashī adeona! !
Release Date: TBA

15. The Angel Descends! Primary Michael!!
天使が降りる!プライマリーマイケル!!
Tenshi ga oriru! Puraimarī maikeru! !
Release Date: TBA

16. Free For All! Hell's Gate Battle Royale!!
万人に無料!ジャパンバトルロワイアル!!
Ban'nin ni muryō! Makai no mon batoru rowaiaru! !
Release Date: TBA

17. The Realm Of Darkness! Demon King!!
闇の領域!魔王!!
Yami no ryōiki! Maō! !
Release Date: TBA

18. Demon King Showdown! Beherit VS Belial!!
魔王対決!ベヘリットVSベリアル!!
Maō Taiketsu! Beheritto VS Beriaru! !
Release Date: TBA

19. Showdown! Bella VS Main!!
対決!ベラVSメイン!!
Taiketsu! Bera VS mein! !
Release Date: TBA

20. The Pitch-Black Sun! Harbinger Lucifer!!
真っ黒な太陽!!ハービンジャールシファー!!
Makkurona taiyō!! Hābinjā rushifā! !
Release Date: TBA

21. The 6 Headed Dragon! The Return Of Longinus!!
6頭のドラゴン!ロンギヌスの帰還!!
6-Tō no doragon! Ronginusu no kikan! !
Release Date: TBA

22. Tag Battle! Power Or Strategy?!
タグバトル!力か戦略か?!
Tagu batoru! Chikara ka senryaku ka? !

23. The One That Absorbs Spin! Ghost Fafnir!!
スピンを吸収するもの!ゴーストファフニール!!
Supin o kyūshū suru mono! Gōsuto fabunīru! !
Release Date: TBA

24. Holy Light! Primary Star!!
聖なる光!プライマリースター!!
Seinaru hikari! Puraimarī sutā! !

All the chapter reveals for a little while.
Story Of Lanes Sister S3 Chapter 7: The Princess Of Darkness Soars! The Flight To America!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1180554225-story...lade-burst

Ratings/Reviews are much appreciated

(Jan. 20, 2022  3:48 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Story Of Lanes Sister S3 Chapter 7: The Princess Of Darkness Soars! The Flight To America!!
https://www,wattpad.com/1180554225-story...lade-burst

Ratings/Reviews are much appreciated


Apparently, your Link for your Fanfic is somewhat Incorrect, that's what my Computer said anyway so if anyone else can't get in or something this is the Link that'll work. https://www.wattpad.com/1180554225-story...lade-burst I might give my thoughts on Wattpad in a bit
Story Of Lanes Sister S3 Chapter 8: Riding The Warp! Zero Stadium!!
https://www.wattpad.com/1181522395-story...lade-burst

Primary Michael.Lord.Bearing': The Ultimate Antagonist Bey

Primary Michael Layer (pMc) - A very round and smooth energy layer that features the abilities and a few major gimmicks from major Beyblade antagonists like Phoenix, Raphael and Lucifer. The main layer is super round and circular allowing for great defense however it has a detachable piece called the Primary Armor which comes off like the Phoenix armor but is triggered when the disk strikes 2 metal tabs inward which act like Raphaels burst stoppers and the bey features a rubber resistor within it. The motif is Michael, an archangel who is said to be the leader of angels in Heaven. the color scheme is reminiscent of Raphael. The Primary Armor is similar in shape to Raphaels Armors

Lord Disk (Lr) - A round disk that has a shape akin to the Kou Limit Break Disk but more heavier and more OWD. The disk also features a smooth plastic ring around it that adds a bit more LAD.

Bearing' Driver (Br')

Owner: Main Kuromi

Special Moves: Primary Lord, Primary Press, Primary Counter, Primary Judgement
Story Of Lanes Sister Season 3 Chapter 9: God Of Flames! Atlas Spriggan!!
https://embed.wattpad.com/1183154753-sto...lade-burst
Big stuff is on the drawing board for this story and ill actually be making a poll on 1 character that will return for a cameo chapter. I'll be working on that and I'll have it out this friday along with the new chapter.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45