World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Story Of Lane's Sister: Athena (BBB OC Story) (Completed Until Further Notice)
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45
(Jun. 21, 2021  1:44 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 40: New Friend, New Rival! Lunatic Cthulhu! Summary: Athena takes on Cthulhus supernatural power..

Chapter 41: The Jet Black Sun! Lucifer The End!! Summary: Tears will fall... Lane returns and with a new bey in hand..

Chapter 42: Visit To Valhalla Manor! Summary: Training for a now decided final battle, Athena takes a select few of her friends to her birthplace: Valhalla Manor!

This will be interesting
, what's the last episode of this fan fic? (curious how long this will be)
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:41 AM)Ryuga's Son Wrote: [ -> ], what's the last episode of this fan fic? (curious how long this will be)

Season one will end on Chapter 51, Season 2 ends on Chapter 37, altogether in Athenas saga; a whopping 88 Chapters.

Edit: counting the Prologue and Epilogue which would increase to 90 Total Chapters in Athenas saga
This is amazing
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:43 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:41 AM)Ryuga's Son Wrote: [ -> ], what's the last episode of this fan fic? (curious how long this will be)

Season one will end on Chapter 51, Season 2 ends on Chapter 37, altogether in Athenas saga; a whopping 88 Chapters.

Edit: counting the Prologue and Epilogue which would increase to 90 Total Chapters in Athenas saga

woah!
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:43 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:41 AM)Ryuga's Son Wrote: [ -> ], what's the last episode of this fan fic? (curious how long this will be)

Season one will end on Chapter 51, Season 2 ends on Chapter 37, altogether in Athenas saga; a whopping 88 Chapters.

Edit: counting the Prologue and Epilogue which would increase to 90 Total Chapters in Athenas saga

So I took a quick read (like 40 or so chapters just randomly selected) and I had a criticism do you mind if I share?
(Jun. 23, 2021  10:30 PM)Kirbyroth Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 23, 2021  4:43 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Season one will end on Chapter 51, Season 2 ends on Chapter 37, altogether in Athenas saga; a whopping 88 Chapters.

Edit: counting the Prologue and Epilogue which would increase to 90 Total Chapters in Athenas saga

So I took a quick read (like 40 or so chapters just randomly selected) and I had a criticism do you mind if I share?

Criticism is very much appreciated so go ahead.
(Jun. 23, 2021  10:41 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 23, 2021  10:30 PM)Kirbyroth Wrote: [ -> ]So I took a quick read (like 40 or so chapters just randomly selected) and I had a criticism do you mind if I share?

Criticism is very much appreciated so go ahead.

So with something so large this is bound to happen and it is dragging. Certain parts seem stretched out and dialogue just feels unnatural and extra at some points.
Gonna be doing a Character contest for Season 2 soon.
(Jun. 26, 2021  11:49 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Gonna be doing a Character contest for Season 2 soon.
Cool, hope I don't forget to log in more often to see when it happens.
The last sentence about Athena falling into depression was a bit rushed imo. Otherwise, great chapter. Also, idk why, but Cthulhu's avatar's face reminded me of Vilgax from Ben 10.
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:04 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 40
https://www.wattpad.com/1088693047-story...lade-burst

Ooookay, this chapter was pretty packed and I have something to note.

Plot: 4.5/5. Dang, Chiki really went to the extreme there. Looks like we're in for some surprises in the next couple chapters as her role and everything else is still unclear.
Dialogue: 5/5, no complaints here.
Characterization: 3/5. This is what I wanna note on the chapter. Like i'm batman said, Athena's fall into depressions feels pretty rushed and I think it's rather unrealistic. Speaking from experience, I know moving away from your friends and all the things you loved and grew up with is hard (very much so if it's the first time), but it doesn't warrant that degree of depression even from an emotional character like her. In situations like this, the usual course of action one takes is to call their friends and loved ones, or hang out with them one more time, you know, just making a final memory in that place so they can cherish it and all their other memories. This little nitpick aside tho, everything's all good.
Writing: 5/5. Again, no complaints.
Battle: 4.5/5. Loved that last move, even if my girl Adeona was screwed over in the end.

Final Rating: 22/25. Good chapter, even if some parts felt weird.
(Jul. 01, 2021  8:40 AM)i'm batman Wrote: [ -> ]The last sentence about Athena falling into depression was a bit rushed imo. Otherwise, great chapter. Also, idk why, but Cthulhu's avatar's face reminded me of Vilgax from Ben 10.

YES! Exactly what I was thinking.
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:04 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 40
https://www.wattpad.com/1088693047-story...lade-burst

This chapter is amazing! You captured so many real-life emotions in only several paragraphs! Best chapter by far! Also, thanks for the shout-out.
bruh chapter 40 is lame
Chapter 42: The Shining Gates Of Heaven! Visit To Valhalla Manor!!
Chapter 43: Lane VS Shu!
Chapter 44: Intense Showdown! Infinity Slope Stadium!
Chapter 45: Athena VS Chiki!
Chapter 46: Activate! Limit Break: Heaven!!
I really like this fanfic (Also ngl the Aiger and Athena thing is kinda getting awkward but that's just my opinion)
(Jul. 01, 2021  5:01 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: [ -> ]I really like this fanfic (Also ngl the Aiger and Athena thing is kinda getting awkward but that's just my opinion)

I think it's cute.
(Jul. 01, 2021  5:01 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: [ -> ]I really like this fanfic (Also ngl the Aiger and Athena thing is kinda getting awkward but that's just my opinion)

YO MAAAAAAA AIGAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Fact time bois.. You love to see it (originally posted it Wattpad)

1. Lanes evolved bey was originally called Lucifer Armageddon Wheel² Mobius' before I ended up going with Flare Lucifer.

2. The Legend League was originally supposed to be a tournament like the Battleship Cruise

3. Phi was supposed to be in Gwyns place but i scrapped him because i had no idea how a Sparking Phoenix would work with its armor gimmick

4. Adeona was originally Right Spin only and a Balance Type before becoming LR and an Attack Type (Original combo: Guide Adeona.Mr'.2B)

5. Athena was not supposed to use Flare until the League arc.

6. In the family lore, First Uranus had a user before Lane.

7. Flare Lucifer is a prototype of Lucifer The End

8. Lunatic Cthulhu is a bey made by a user on WBO for a Bey Contest.

9. Lanes Devils Mark takes heavy inspiration from Sasukes Curse Mark from Naruto.

Final Fact: The combo for Diabolos is completely different than the combo it was officially released with.

Bonus fact: This story started as a shower thought and look where we are now (30 Pages on this thread and 12K reads on Wattpad in under a year)
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:08 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Fact time bois.. You love to see it (originally posted it Wattpad)

1. Lanes evolved bey was originally called Lucifer Armageddon Wheel² Mobius' before I ended up going with Flare Lucifer.

2. The Legend League was originally supposed to be a tournament like the Battleship Cruise

3. Phi was supposed to be in Gwyns place but i scrapped him because i had no idea how a Sparking Phoenix would work with its armor gimmick

4. Adeona was originally Right Spin only and a Balance Type before becoming LR and an Attack Type (Original combo: Guide Adeona.Mr'.2B)

5. Athena was not supposed to use Flare until the League arc.

6. In the family lore, First Uranus had a user before Lane.

7. Flare Lucifer is a prototype of Lucifer The End

8. Lunatic Cthulhu is a bey made by a user on WBO for a Bey Contest.

9. Lanes Devils Mark takes heavy inspiration from Sasukes Curse Mark from Naruto.

Final Fact: The combo for Diabolos is completely different than the combo it was officially released with.

Bonus fact: This story started as a shower thought and look where we are now (30 Pages on this thread and 12K reads on Wattpad in under a year)

About the bonus fact, it's not really that surprising. Shower thoughts are the best thoughts of the day and I won't be convinced otherwise.
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:08 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Fact time bois.. You love to see it (originally posted it Wattpad)

1. Lanes evolved bey was originally called Lucifer Armageddon Wheel² Mobius' before I ended up going with Flare Lucifer.

2. The Legend League was originally supposed to be a tournament like the Battleship Cruise

3. Phi was supposed to be in Gwyns place but i scrapped him because i had no idea how a Sparking Phoenix would work with its armor gimmick

4. Adeona was originally Right Spin only and a Balance Type before becoming LR and an Attack Type (Original combo: Guide Adeona.Mr'.2B)

5. Athena was not supposed to use Flare until the League arc.

6. In the family lore, First Uranus had a user before Lane.

7. Flare Lucifer is a prototype of Lucifer The End

8. Lunatic Cthulhu is a bey made by a user on WBO for a Bey Contest.

9. Lanes Devils Mark takes heavy inspiration from Sasukes Curse Mark from Naruto.

Final Fact: The combo for Diabolos is completely different than the combo it was officially released with.

Bonus fact: This story started as a shower thought and look where we are now (30 Pages on this thread and 12K reads on Wattpad in under a year)

It's not that hard to make an armor gimmick, just make the same as cho-z. But if you're thinking on a different armor gimmick than cho-z, then I know one.
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:25 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:08 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]Fact time bois.. You love to see it (originally posted it Wattpad)

1. Lanes evolved bey was originally called Lucifer Armageddon Wheel² Mobius' before I ended up going with Flare Lucifer.

2. The Legend League was originally supposed to be a tournament like the Battleship Cruise

3. Phi was supposed to be in Gwyns place but i scrapped him because i had no idea how a Sparking Phoenix would work with its armor gimmick

4. Adeona was originally Right Spin only and a Balance Type before becoming LR and an Attack Type (Original combo: Guide Adeona.Mr'.2B)

5. Athena was not supposed to use Flare until the League arc.

6. In the family lore, First Uranus had a user before Lane.

7. Flare Lucifer is a prototype of Lucifer The End

8. Lunatic Cthulhu is a bey made by a user on WBO for a Bey Contest.

9. Lanes Devils Mark takes heavy inspiration from Sasukes Curse Mark from Naruto.

Final Fact: The combo for Diabolos is completely different than the combo it was officially released with.

Bonus fact: This story started as a shower thought and look where we are now (30 Pages on this thread and 12K reads on Wattpad in under a year)

It's not that hard to make an armor gimmick, just make the same as cho-z. But if you're thinking on a different armor gimmick than cho-z, then I know one.

Thing is though, the gimmick has function properly with the Sparking system and considering I wasn't impressed with how CrazyAries handed his Phoenix. Its basically the same reason a GT Phoenix never happened, the Ring/Base would be pretty wide and there needs to be room in the layer for the internal workings that makes the gimmick function. I hope this makes sense
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:35 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jul. 01, 2021  6:25 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: [ -> ]It's not that hard to make an armor gimmick, just make the same as cho-z. But if you're thinking on a different armor gimmick than cho-z, then I know one.

Thing is though, the gimmick has function properly with the Sparking system and considering I wasn't impressed with how CrazyAries handed his Phoenix. Its basically the same reason a GT Phoenix never happened, the Ring/Base would be pretty wide and there needs to be room in the layer for the internal workings that makes the gimmick function. I hope this makes sense

You can fuse the layer (lazy one) or make the internal working at the ring, all you need is a circular line for armor and some "teeth" at that line (try to imagine revive phoenix with a chip/ring, its still possible(at least in my head it is)) also lemme watch the CrazyAries thing, it might change everything
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45