I agree with a lot of the [above] posts. The chapters are far too short and the story line is rushed. It feels more as if each chapter is another way of bumping the thread up. 
The speed of which the story is told in makes it feel like a quick 5 minutes. "Oh man, the ice monster is gone. Let's threaten the stranger. Now we're back at our home talking to dad." Try to add more description!
Show us how the characters feel- what do they see? What do they smell? What can they hear? Using the senses in your story helps immerse the reader into your story's world. Take them to where the story is taking place.
Another thing: I understand this is fiction, but much of the story is plain unbelievable and no explanation is given. It seems more as if the impossible is done just to make the story seem more interesting, or because you didn't want to write in why or how some things were done.
The thing about the security system is a great example. Sure, it might be fiction and they could have installed one in a night; whatever, I suppose. But maybe tell how they got the system? Maybe they went down to a store and bought one. I dunno. Let your imagination run wild. Literature is an art, and if you want it to succeed, be ready to put your heart into it.
The speed of which the story is told in makes it feel like a quick 5 minutes. "Oh man, the ice monster is gone. Let's threaten the stranger. Now we're back at our home talking to dad." Try to add more description!
Show us how the characters feel- what do they see? What do they smell? What can they hear? Using the senses in your story helps immerse the reader into your story's world. Take them to where the story is taking place.Another thing: I understand this is fiction, but much of the story is plain unbelievable and no explanation is given. It seems more as if the impossible is done just to make the story seem more interesting, or because you didn't want to write in why or how some things were done.
The thing about the security system is a great example. Sure, it might be fiction and they could have installed one in a night; whatever, I suppose. But maybe tell how they got the system? Maybe they went down to a store and bought one. I dunno. Let your imagination run wild. Literature is an art, and if you want it to succeed, be ready to put your heart into it.
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