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The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 7 is UP)) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
Chapter 1
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RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 07, 2014
You should make the chapter longer and press enter/return when a person is talking, like this:
"Wow cool!" Exclaimed Ryan
"Thanks!" Said Rachel
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 4:56 PM)TheLibraKing Wrote: You should make the chapter longer and press enter/return when a person is talking, like this:
"Wow cool!" Exclaimed Ryan
"Thanks!" Said Rachel
Thanks for the advice. But please read my story right before reviewing it. I didn't say "WOW COOL!" I just said "Cool!" That was not Ryan's part. But thanks for your advice.
It really helps that other writers like you reach out to grow the story.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 07, 2014
I know lol, it was an example
EDIT: @his post below me: what? I didn't say "Exclamed Rachel" look at my post....
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
Now, you do not need to do Exclamed Rachel. Just exclaimed Rachel. If you feel the need to discuss it further, just PM me.
(Mar. 07, 2014 5:03 PM)TheLibraKing Wrote: I know lol, it was an example
EDIT: @his post below me: what? I didn't say "Exclamed Rachel" look at my post....
It is an EXAMPLE. Hello!
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - Dual - Mar. 07, 2014
Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 5:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 5:47 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 5:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)
A regular 10 year-old magically creates a snow monster to cool drinks? I don't see how thats intelligence....
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 5:50 PM)TheLibraKing Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 5:47 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 5:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)
A regular 10 year-old magically creates snow monster? I don't see how thats intelligence....
Because people are aiming at 10-year olds who are at that level. Don't waste your time with me if you're gonna block me.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - Dual - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 5:47 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.(Mar. 07, 2014 5:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 6:13 PM)Dual Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 5:47 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.(Mar. 07, 2014 5:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.
It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.
It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)
I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.
If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 2.is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 07, 2014
Lego blocks are made in factories. child labor is illegal in the USA :\.
@Chapter 2: still too short and the dialogue is hard to understand when it written like that.
EDIT: yeah, I don't want this to turn into to spamming/arguing. I'll watch the thread and comment on the upcoming chapters, but please, like i told you in PM; we are trying to help you write better, please don't insult us.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - Dual - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 6:16 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:Yes, the truth does hurt, 10 year olds cannot build biological beings.(Mar. 07, 2014 6:13 PM)Dual Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 5:47 PM)jubksin43 Wrote: It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.
I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.
If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.
Anyway, chapter 2 still isn't long enough and you really should press enter when dialogue shifts.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 1 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 07, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 6:28 PM)Dual Wrote:(Mar. 07, 2014 6:16 PM)jubksin43 Wrote:Yes, the truth does hurt, 10 year olds cannot build biological beings.(Mar. 07, 2014 6:13 PM)Dual Wrote: Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.
I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.
If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.
Anyway, chapter 2 still isn't long enough and you really should press enter when dialogue shifts.
And what will that do? Also, answer in Private Message please. That is what I would like.
5 long sentences is short? Really?
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 2.is UP) - Dual - Mar. 07, 2014
Um, most stories' chapters are 5x as long. Look at any good writers' story.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 3 is UP) - DrPepsidew - Mar. 07, 2014
Take a look at the chapters on my story man. You need to calm down and take criticism a little better, it seems like you're getting a little heated.
As for my take, they weren't wrong when they told you about separating speech, and the length of the chapters. 5 long sentences tend to be paragraphs in almost any form of writing. Work on it a little more and I'll visit back later.
Cheers
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 3 is UP) - sucks - Mar. 07, 2014
It's a good start and don't take this the wrong way but Im gonna have to agree on the other guys on this one. Maybe give the ice monster thing a rest. Try a storyline that is going to be maybe the slightest bit achievable in real life. Not trying to be rude but maybe make your plot a tinsy bit more possible and it could make for a great narrative! Also give us some more character description or else we won't know what the characters look like or or what their personalities are like.
Try these couple of things out and you'll be on your way to having a great story!
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 3 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 08, 2014
(Mar. 07, 2014 10:38 PM)sucks Wrote: It's a good start and don't take this the wrong way but Im gonna have to agree on the other guys on this one. Maybe give the ice monster thing a rest. Try a storyline that is going to be maybe the slightest bit achievable in real life. Not trying to be rude but maybe make your plot a tinsy bit more possible and it could make for a great narrative! Also give us some more character description or else we won't know what the characters look like or or what their personalities are like.Okay. I will.
Try these couple of things out and you'll be on your way to having a great story!
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 4 is UP) - Mitsu - Mar. 08, 2014
It's an okay start. But there are still improvments to come. I do think you should add more content to each of your chapters, though. Other than that, I thought it was great! Keep it up, but at the same time, always be sure to take others advice!
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 4 is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 08, 2014
You should describe more. The kids just made a surcurity system in a matter of hours? By hand? :\
They tried to blackmail a random person and lie about the thief? I'm really starting to dislike these characters.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 4 is UP) - FaZe_Preach - Mar. 08, 2014
(Mar. 08, 2014 9:11 AM)TheLibraKing Wrote: You should describe more. The kids just made a surcurity system in a matter of hours? By hand? :\
They tried to blackmail a random person and lie about the thief? I'm really starting to dislike these characters.
How could they blackmail a random person? It is called a fiction story.
EDIT: What do you think will happen on Chapter 6?
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 5 is UP) - DRAGON KING - Mar. 08, 2014
They threatened to lie to the police if the random person walking by didnt tell them where he was the night before...
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 5 is UP) - Dual - Mar. 08, 2014
Ok, even fiction stories need boundaries. This is so impossible it's ridiculous. I was going to wait to vote, but it's obvious you're disregarding everyone's advice.
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 7 is UP)) - FaZe_Preach - Apr. 13, 2014
Okay everyone! I have made 2 chapters and I'm ready for the voting and the comments!
RE: The four R's: Rise of the Monster (Chapter 7 is UP)) - Dual - Apr. 13, 2014
Please take the advice that has been posted in this thread previously. The chapters are way too short, the sulphur is choppy, and it's still ridiculously impossible that any of the events in this story would ever take place.