Metal Fight Beyblade: Heroes of our Time

(May. 13, 2011  2:26 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: ......Did it smell of goat cheese? Wut!? But I can't wait for the next part, Ink!

Look, what I'm saying is that you should consider smells. The only reason I used goat cheese was because I had just had some, and cheese is delish.

To get back on topic here, when do you think you'll have the next chapter done?
nice story it ismind blowing (in a good way)
CHAPTER 5: The Cave

"This train is SOOO slow." Deikailo and Ink were riding the train north to find the mysterious poet, Roan. Ink said, "It's so weird - it seems like we've been riding this train forever. Wasn't this supposed to be a one hour trip?" "I know!" said Deikailo. "We've been on like all day!" Ink said, "Let's go up and ask the conductor when we'll arrive." They walked into the car in front of them. "Where is everyone?" Everyone was gone from the train, even though they made no stops.

"This is so weird," said Deikailo. They ran up into the conductors booth and saw no one. "Great. We're on a runaway train." Deikailo looked out the window. "Hey, we're coming up on a tunnel." Ink looked at his map. "The map doesn't show a tunnel as a route..." The train plunged into the darkness.

Ink looked out the window. "Holy carp, we're gonna crash!" There was a huge boulder obstructing the path. Ink and Deikailo braced for the crash. Instead, they passed right through - but they weren't on the train. Instead, it was like they were in nothingness. "What the bum is going on?" asked Deikailo. "Come forward," said a voice. Ink and Deikailo stepped forward. "Ink, I hope you know that we're in the middle of bum carp nowhere and we're approaching a mysterious person." said Deikailo. They walked into a candle light and saw a female figure in a black cloak. "Sit down," said the woman. They both sat. The woman said, "I understand that you are scared, but please don't be. I understand the mission that you are on, and I am here to help. My name is Kai-V."

Ink said, "Kai-V... I've heard your name somewhere." Kai-V said, "Yes, my name is etched in legend. I am a memeber of the Shadow Quadron. Me and my cohorts are all immortal. We brought the spirit of Beyblade from it's origins in Japan around the world." Ink said, "That's where! On my Pegasis' face, it says "Milita Temporas Kai V!" In Latin, that's -" "Warrior of Time, Kai-V," said Kai-V. "Yes, I remember summoning Pegasis into this world. However, this is why I've stopped you here. You see, when we summoned Pegasis, we had three people do it. One person sommoned it's past, I summoned it''s present, and another summoned it's future. Each person holds a part of that energy - and the only way to make Pegasis strong enough to save mankind is if he can retreive all of that energy."

Ink said, "So where are those people? We must find them." Kai-V said, "I do not know. I am the only remaining member of the Shadow Quadron. My fellow members have disbanded and are living normal lives among the humans." Deikailo said, "Then how are we supposed to find them?" Kai-V said, "I do know the general locations. The person who holds the past of Pegasis is in a secluded place in Canada. He is a fierce battler and left us because he felt he was not exerting his full potential." Ink said, "What's his name?" "Kei," said Kai-V, "his name is Kei." Deikailo said, "So who holds the future of Pegasis?" Kai-V said, "He was the founder of my group. He ran off to help Kei and then returned, but then ran off to consult with some girl. He is currently somewhere in Paris." Ink said, "And he is?" Kai-V said, "He tells me not to call him by his old name, which was Satus. He lives by a human name now - Brad."

Deikailo said, "So we're gonna have to cross countries to save the world? I forgot to renew my Blader's Passport." Kai-V said, "Since I hold the key to Pegasis' present, I will give it to you. Give me your Pegasis." Ink handed Kai-V Pegasis. "Pegasis 105F. Quite a good Bey." She held it out in front of her. Pegasis began to float. Kai-V chanted -

"A hero, shining, bright as day
Will face troubles and dismay
As time follows him around
His fate becomes abound
At every turn, he'll face a Storm
The hero has been warned
The blessing of the Present is now bestowed
Take the power - now go."

Pegasis shone brightly - and they were now in a snowy field. They looked in the distance and saw a house. Then they heard Kai-V's voice - "I will be watching you over your journey. You are now at the home of Roan, the poet. Ink, your Beyblade has now evolved for the coming challenges. Hail, Storm Pegasis 105RF."

Sorry I've been inactive on this series, I was just distracted. So, now you've seen my terrible stab at poetry. Pinching_eyes_2 So, anyway, thanks!
This is the best story ever. I love the use of WBO characters here and all the stuff the really goes on with their lives. Can't say anything more. Its really cool.
CHAPTER 6: The Poet

"So this is the home of the poet." After an encounter with the mysterious Kai-V, Deikailo and Ink were at the house of the mysterious poet, Roan. "So this guy'll tell us where Mt. Orthyrs is?" asked Deikailo. "Apparently," said Ink. They knocked on the door. A young adult opened up the door. He looked pale, and brittle. He looked at them and said, "Come in."

Ink and Deikailo were sitting next to a fire with Roan in front of them. He said, "Allow me to properly introduce myself. I am Roan, also known as The Poet. Poetry is a beautiful form of writing. The flow, the ambuguity..." He faced Ink. "But that is not why you're here, are you?" Ink said, "We need to know where Mt. Orthyrs is." Roan suddenly stopped smiling. "Are you him? The Keeper of Memories?" Ink said, "Yes. I can see that you know how to prophecize - so can you give us our propechy?" Roan smiled. "Ah, you really are skilled with that power. Able to see right through me, eh?" Roan walked in front of a bowl of water with flower petals in it. "I will now read your prophecy." He looked into the water -

"Evil has arisen
To seize the world and day
A hero, of memories
Will lead the army's way
To every single continent
The hero must go
The past, the present, future
The hero must know
In Europe, you will find
A man with a golden soul
In Australia, you will find
Bondings, of gold
Africa, you will see
A man that's true at heart
Asia, a hero lives
To meet you on your sand
The fate of the world
Rests in your hands
On the top of Mt. Orthyrs
On the island to the East
You will have your final battle
The demon, the beast."

Roan said, "Only you can dechipher the prophecy. I wish you two best of - " Roan fell to the ground. "What happened?" yelled Deikailo. Suddenly, two horrendous figures barged into the house. One of them said, "Yes! We got him! Now he won't be able to tell that guy the prophecy." The other one said, "You two - have you heard the prophecy?" Deikailo said, "Yes we did." The figure replied, "Then you'll have to die." Deikailo and Ink pulled out their Beyblades. Ink said, "It's time to test out Storm Pegasis! GO SHOOT!" Pegasis flew with lightning speed. The first figure launched his Beyblade. "Can you fight the claws of my Slasher Cancer 145WD? You won't be able to counter my Suprise Flying Move by dodging, or Dan's Maximum Drive Sniper by using a counter strike!" "YOU IDIOT!" yelled the other figure. "You gave away our strategies!" Deikailo said, "Wait a second, Dan? He's -" "The guy you killed, I know." said Dan. "Gunslinger has some pretty neat tech up their sleeves. You know, with bringing us back to life and whatnot. Now, it's time for revenge."
This is really THE BEST STORY I'VE EVER READ. Hmm...Maybe..Just maybe...Momo, th!nk and some other people will be in it. Hm.... though I wish I can be in it. LOL. That would never happen..Hahahahaha.
Cool story, it's really cool the incorporation of bey members, makes it where everyone can sorta relate to the characters.
Well Ink. everything you do is the best good job
this is one of the best bey story's I ever read! kingkupa1 should be a bad guy.
CHAPTER 7: The Walking Dead

"GO SHOOT!" Dan and McFrown have been brought back from the dead by Gunslinger, and they have just assassinated Roan, the poet. Now, they faced Deikailo and Ink, and had new Beys too. Ink said, "Deikailo, I'll take Dan this time." His Storm Pegasis shot over to Dans Maximum L Drago CH120XF. "Pegasis!" he shouted. "Force Wind!" A huge wind tunnel formed around Pegasis and swept L Drago up. Dan smiled. "L Drago - Maximum Supressor!" Pegasis' wind tunnel stopped, and L Drago slammed Pegasis. Ink said, "Pegasis! Grip Resistor!" Pegasis' new Rubber Flat tip gripped the ground. "Now, Flash Force Drive!" Pegasis forced L Drago back and the Beys flew through the walls of the house. Dan said, "Let's take this fight outside." They ran out through the hole.

Deikailo was having a little more trouble. "Beat Lynx! Flash Claw!" Lynx quickly shredded the side of Gasher Cancer, but it wasn't enough. "Cancer! Counter Cutter!" Cancer blew Lynx away. It then began to barrage Lynx. Deikailo noticed that the battle was starting to lead toward a pipe leading toward the oven, and then realized how to win. She began to run. "Yipee-ki-yay!"


Outside, Ink was having a little more trouble. His Rubber Flat wasn't able to grip the snowy ground, and Maximum was able to slice through the snow much easier. Ink knew he needed some kind of diversion. Then, he saw Deikailo run out the house. "HIT THE DECK!" Suddenly, the house exploded. Ink saw his chance. "Storm Pegasis! Final Storm!" Pegasis started rallying up all the embers into a firey tornado, and L Drago couldn't take the heat. Pegasis struck L Drago, and L Drago fell. Ink caught his Bey. He looked at Deikailo. "What... did you do?" Deikailo said, "I just had the guy cut the fuse, no biggie." Ink looked at Dan. "I suggest you grab your friend and retreat." Dan said, "I'll retreat, but next time, it's your head." Ink and Deikailo started walking. "So, where are we supposed to go? Kai-V kinda stuck us out here in the middle of nowhere." said Deikailo. Ink looked ahead and said, "Hey, do you see that light up there in that mountain?"
This story is REALLY amazing. Chapter 1 was really intriguing, and it kept getting better and better. I lurve it. Cute
Thank you. Smile This is some of the best work since Night, speaking of which, whatever happened to him?
Alright, people may be being a little bias. I mean, his story's OK, but there's no description. A lot of it's just dialogue. You people only say that because you want to be in the story...

Some tips, Ink:

1. Try to describe some things. What do they look like? This isn't a comic, so I realize you're out of your comfort zone (In comics, people are described by the pictures). As the saying goes "You're not in Kansas anymore".

2. Cut down on the dialogue and explain things in depth. Starting a story with "Roan was just murdered" sounds like those people on the drama shows. "Previously, on hells kitchen..." (Unless you're going for that).
Thanks for the tips, Sparta! I'll try and make my stories better.
(Jul. 18, 2011  3:27 AM)Ink. Wrote: Thanks for the tips, Sparta! I'll try and make my stories better.

Alright, cool. By the way, did JK Rowling inspire you at all? She liked to kill off her characters, too Wink...
(Jul. 18, 2011  3:23 AM)Sparta Wrote: Alright, people may be being a little bias. I mean, his story's OK, but there's no description. A lot of it's just dialogue. You people only say that because you want to be in the story...

Some tips, Ink:

1. Try to describe some things. What do they look like? This isn't a comic, so I realize you're out of your comfort zone (In comics, people are described by the pictures). As the saying goes "You're not in Kansas anymore".

2. Cut down on the dialogue and explain things in depth. Starting a story with "Roan was just murdered" sounds like those people on the drama shows. "Previously, on hells kitchen..." (Unless you're going for that).

I hope you aren't talking about me, I just really enjoy the idea. But you are right.
Also, try to separate your dialogue as such:
Dei asked,"Who is this new blader using MF-H Basalt Kerbecs TH170WF?"
The blader replied,"The name is Th!nk, which is something you should do before challenging me."
Better than a LOT of beyblade-based stories out here, which can be taken two ways. (Due to the ever-so-slightly decreasing amount of garbage that the Creations forum was filled with. Not saying that it's still not piling up, though.) As Sparta said, there is a LOT of bias towards Ink here, but the story is indeed original, and compliments your comic well. I like the idea, and encourage you to decide between using separated or included lines of speech depending on the type of story. In this case, you'd use separated lines, as it's not a direct recalling of the situation, instead, a story is indeed being told. On another note: Use that line above me! And of course, nice work on McFrown's random combos, though he seems like a bit of a ditz.
lol nice story!
"Are you sure that we should go there?" asked Deikailo. Ink and Deikailo had just escaped the home of Roan, who had been assasinated by Dan and McFrown. They were now stuck in a cold, never ending field of blizzard, with their feet lagging in the snow. Ink couldn't feel his ears. Ink and Deikailo were heading towards a mysterious light that Ink spotted. Ink said, "I think we're getting close."

Ink and Deikailo came upon a cave lit by a lantern. There was a metal door inside the cave. Deikailo said, "What are we supposed to do, knock?" Ink said, "Might as well try." Ink knocked the door. It hurt his knuckles. Ink froze and said, "Hit the deck!" Ink and Deikailo hit the floor, and a Beyblade zinged right past them. Ink let Storm Pegasis fly. The opposing Beyblade ripped through the air, but Ink had a plan. "I know that even though I can't see you, you can see me," said Ink. "But can you take me out when you can't see me?" Pegasis whipped up a blizzard that completely covered the area with plain white. Ink then knelt down and began to concentrate. He tried to track down the memories of the opponent... and found him. "Pegasis! Flash Force!" Pegasis sliced through the blizzard and found the person watching them behind a rock. The guy said, "Whoa, that was good. How did you find me?" Ink caught Pegasis in his hand. It was ice cold. Ink said, "It's nice to finally meet you - Kei." The man froze. "How do you know my name?" Then, his eyes flashed. "You know... you know Kai-V." He quickly walked them to the door. He said, "I'm sorry for attacking you. Before we talk, let's go inside." He placed his Bey in a hole in the door and the door opened. Deikailo and Ink couldn't beleive their eyes.

It was a vast temple, full of bladers. They were talking, battling, constructing and having fun. Deikailo said, "What is this!" Kei closed his eyes and smiled. He said, "This is my sanction. This - is the World Beyblade Organization."
Haha, the ending is hilarious! In the description for the WBO it says "Hello! We are the unofficial, sanctioning body for the spinning top game...".

Now then, a review:

The content of your story isn't bad, but for some reason I feel like it doesn't flow right. Maybe it's because you put the tags before your quotes, or maybe it's because of the lack of fluent transition sentences. I really can't put my finger on it, but you should try to fix that.
(Jul. 20, 2011  2:47 PM)kyle123456 Wrote: any one in gilbert that can battle me i have 1000 point

SPAM. Well done.

Oh, and Ink:

1. I noticed one thing you're doing really well: character development. Even now, right away I was able to get Kei's character, just because of the way he talks and his manners. Keep doing that.
I like how the story has been developing so far.

I'm just wondering, is there any way you can get all of the parts in a single place so readers don't have to look across many pages of other's text?
I like it so far. As I've said so often, the story is fast-paced now, so keep it that way. If it slows down, HAVE A REASON. Stories that randomly slow down before the last few parts normally end up bad. It is still a great story.
CHAPTER 8: Battle in the Big Apple

"I have never felt so awkward in my life." OkiBlaze and DrigerGT were walking through the streets of New York after a mysterious attack by a Gunslinger assassin. DrigerGT said, "What should we do now? We're in a foreign country with no idea where the enemy is." OkiBlaze said, "Let me think." He pulled out his computer watch. "According to the news, there was a big holdup at a recent tournament by a Gunslinger member. There's also a huge amount of information on attacks here. There has to be a Gunslinger member here who can give us information."

"I can give you the information you want." OkiBlaze and DrigerGT turned around. They saw a yound man in a blue hoody. OkiBlaze said, "You know about Gunslinger?" The man smiled. "More than I need to know. Follow me." They followed him into a room full of rusted pipes. There was also a huge database computer in there. The man said, "Now, if there's one thing you need to know about Gunslinger, it's this." DrigerGT said, "What? Do they have some kind of weakness?" The man smiled again. "No," he said, "It's that you're never safe." He pulled out his Beyblade and launched it at OkiBlaze - a fatal hit in the chest. The man laughed and pulled down his hood. "Fool," he said. "My name is Bluezee, and assassin for the Gunslinger organization." But as the dust cleared, he saw that OkiBlaze was miraculously alive. OkiBlaze said, "Your not the only one whose full of suprises." All of the sudden, his Basalt Aquario crashed through the roof and buried Bluezee in dust. "Before we entered the room, I shot Aquario on the roof in case you tried anything funny." Oki looked at his chest. "Wow, that actually hurt a little - good try. I've spent all my childhood learning how to control my chi, and you could shoot me if you wanted to - I can bounce it off." Bluezee summoned L Drago and whipped away the debris. He hopped on and said, "You may have been able to ward me off, but once you make an enemy of me, the entire organization will be after your heads." And he flew off.

OkiBlaze looked at the computer. "Let's see if there's any useful information here." He found a file labeled "ENEMY". Driger said, "Let's look at that one." Oki opened it up. Driger smiled as he read, "Saved enemy, killed two members? Holy cow, we need to find this guy! He's fighting the organization!" Oki looked him up on his computer. "I've found his location. He's in a remote field in Canada." He closed his watch. "We better catch the train."