the story is that a 13 year old boy who loves beyblade and has dreams of battling zero but well he ever reach his dream when a demon Posseses him he starts to become a new person hurting his freinds his siter and even his mom can he beat the evil inside him or well he die in the process
prologue

Spoiler (Click to View)

My name is Khayree I lay in the emergency room dying and sick I look next to me only see my broken bey krillerkin dragooon ch120rlf this is my story. It all started when I got out of school walking with my sister Mya as we walk I see a poster it talks about a beyblade tournament coming up in three days. I look at Mya and she looks at me a grin pops up on her face. 3 days later I hear Mya scream at me to get up as I get out of the bed I put my gray skinny jeans on and a black shirt Mya says the tourney is today. I grab my bey and say let's battle before we leave she ready's her bey duo gemios 230wd I ready dragoon "3,2,1 GO SHOOT!" dragooon I yell go go gooo dragoon hits gemios and knocks it into the air when it land's Mya says she well end the battle fast she yells "Special Move! TWIN PUNCH" I reply "Special Move DRAGON FIRE BITE" both sprits of gemios and dragooon come out and clash head on the room fells with smoke I see my bey still spinning and hers out of the stadium I Won

Spoiler (Click to View)

Khayree: Mya I told you I would win
Mya: whatever let’s just go eat breakfast and leave
Khayree: I can’t wait "a big smile comes up on his face
Mya and Khayree: go down the stairs and eat
Mya: u done eating bro
Khayree yep now let’s go "Khayree troughs dragooon in the air and catch it
Mya and Khayree: walk outside as they walk khayree sees who he think is Tsubasa Otori
Khayree: look it Tsubasa he is one of the best bladers ever
Mya: quite being such a fan boy Khayree
Khayree: shut up
Mya:he may be the one who organized the whole tournament
Khayree: I’m going to go ask him to battle
Mya: but the tourney is about to start
Khayree: yes but we still have a whole hour we just wanted to get there early
Mya: ok I will watch but u beater not lose
Khayree: I won’t "Khayree gulps"
Khayree and Mya: run toward the man
Khayree: um are you Tsubasa
Tsubasa:yes may I help u boy
Khayree: "Khayree pulls out dragooon I want to battle you
Tsubasa: Taubasa pulls out earth eagle
Khayree: wow u still have that bey
Tsubasa: yep now why don’t u get to that battle you asked about
Khayree: ok
khayree and Tsubasa yell "3!2!1 goo shoot

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

This is hard to understand, messy, and packed. I find it impossible to read.
Please, I would really likeit if you could clean up this "mess".

Good luck,
Takasu

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umm wow ok im not the best speller but i well try to fix it

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

This has tons of grammer mistakes, I am also confused about the premise. I would read this if it made more sense to me. I also think you should change the chapter to a Prolougue because it is really short, and add spoilers. That's my constructive criticism. EDIT: How did you reply before me, Takasu?

i fixed the gramer mistakes and how do ill add a spoiler and the premise after i learn how to make a spoiler

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

Use the spoil button.

And you still have a lot of mistakes. You are missing spaces, capitals, and there are still many grammer problems.

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look at it agin i just updated it

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

This story is a little bit cliche. Anyways. You misspelled Miya and Yells.


Dialogue works like this

"Yeah, I'm awesome," I say.
"Shirayuki, shut up!" Matakj09 replies.

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https://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblad...pid1530998

PLEASE READ MY STORY PLEASE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

no thats how her name is spelled my best frirnd name is mya so i put her in it

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

no thats how her name is spelled my best frirnd name is mya so i put her in it

Ahh, okay, but still, read my guide on dialogue.

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https://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblad...pid1530998

PLEASE READ MY STORY PLEASE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just in the prologue, I found missing punctuation and bad grammer, as well as missing capitals. Some capitals are even in the wrong place.

What are you using to write this story?
Your phone, or tablet? Well, stop. Using mobile devices usually bring tons of mistakes.

If a computer, then this can surely be improved. Use Microsoft Word to clean up general mistakes, and read it over to find mistakes yourself.

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if anyone wants to work on the story with me pm me i need all the help im starting to get into writing and i need all the help i can get so anyone wanna work as partners

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Takasu yes im on my tablet i guss ill use my pc even though my i pad is faster

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thanks bj3dd for the sig

Even though its faster, quality work takes time, right?
So why don't you spend some time and try to type it on a computer?

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|Instagram|deviantART|Music Album|Youtube|RPG Game|Story (Discontinued)|Sprites
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/r/YoutubeLetsPlay

i just put up chapter 1 is the new format beter

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thanks bj3dd for the sig