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+--- Thread: enter Khayree (/Thread-enter-Khayree)
enter Khayree - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
the story is that a 13 year old boy who loves beyblade and has dreams of battling zero but well he ever reach his dream when a demon Posseses him he starts to become a new person hurting his freinds his siter and even his mom can he beat the evil inside him or well he die in the process
prologue
Spoiler (Click to View)
Spoiler (Click to View)
RE: MY STORY - TakasuMouce - Sep. 16, 2012
This is hard to understand, messy, and packed. I find it impossible to read.
Please, I would really likeit if you could clean up this "mess".
Good luck,
Takasu
RE: MY STORY - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
umm wow ok im not the best speller but i well try to fix it
RE: MY STORY - akio314 - Sep. 16, 2012
This has tons of grammer mistakes, I am also confused about the premise. I would read this if it made more sense to me. I also think you should change the chapter to a Prolougue because it is really short, and add spoilers. That's my constructive criticism. EDIT: How did you reply before me, Takasu?
RE: MY STORY - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
i fixed the gramer mistakes and how do ill add a spoiler and the premise after i learn how to make a spoiler
RE: MY STORY - TakasuMouce - Sep. 16, 2012
Use the spoil button.
And you still have a lot of mistakes. You are missing spaces, capitals, and there are still many grammer problems.
RE: MY STORY - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
look at it agin i just updated it
RE: MY STORY - Cookie Bouquets - Sep. 16, 2012
This story is a little bit cliche. Anyways. You misspelled Miya and Yells.
Dialogue works like this
"Yeah, I'm awesome," I say.
"Shirayuki, shut up!" Matakj09 replies.
RE: enter Khayree - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
no thats how her name is spelled my best frirnd name is mya so i put her in it
RE: enter Khayree - Cookie Bouquets - Sep. 16, 2012
(Sep. 16, 2012 3:35 AM)matakj09 Wrote: no thats how her name is spelled my best frirnd name is mya so i put her in it
Ahh, okay, but still, read my guide on dialogue.
RE: enter Khayree - TakasuMouce - Sep. 16, 2012
Just in the prologue, I found missing punctuation and bad grammer, as well as missing capitals. Some capitals are even in the wrong place.
What are you using to write this story?
Your phone, or tablet? Well, stop. Using mobile devices usually bring tons of mistakes.
If a computer, then this can surely be improved. Use Microsoft Word to clean up general mistakes, and read it over to find mistakes yourself.
RE: enter Khayree - matakj09 - Sep. 16, 2012
if anyone wants to work on the story with me pm me i need all the help im starting to get into writing and i need all the help i can get so anyone wanna work as partners
Takasu yes im on my tablet i guss ill use my pc even though my i pad is faster
RE: enter Khayree - TakasuMouce - Sep. 16, 2012
Even though its faster, quality work takes time, right?
So why don't you spend some time and try to type it on a computer?
RE: enter Khayree - matakj09 - Sep. 17, 2012
i just put up chapter 1 is the new format beter