New Blood
Dave’s face turned white when his doctor showed him the results of the colonoscopy Dave had recently had.
“I’m sorry to tell you, but you seem to have terminal colon cancer.†Dr. Willis said gravely.
“How much longer do I have?†whispered Dave.
“About a month or so. However, you may choose to receive a blood transfusion if you wish. It will extend your time by about a month and a half, but the process takes time.â€
“I’ll do it.†replied Dave. “I just need a little more time to finish everything that I needed to do in life before I pass away.â€
“Very well, let’s get-â€
Whoa, whoa, hold up!
Ga’Hooleone stops narrating for a second and begins looking around, wondering who was addressing him when he was obviously in the middle of an important story.
Ga, what the hell man! First, stop referring to yourself in third person. Second, what kind of a story is this? Clichés everywhere! And a COLONOSCOPY? Of all the medical exams to choose, you choose that one?
Ga-er, I peer into the shadows and notice a distinctively ginger-haired shape standing in the distance. Who else could this be but our resident plastic beyblade expert from down under, th!nk!
Yeah yeah, we all get it, it’s me. Now exactly why did you pick a colonoscopy for this guy, uh, Dave’s medical exam? You might as well have made it a prostate exam, that would’ve been less disturbing. Most people don’t want a metal rod shoved up their-
I quickly cut him off, eager to keep the story’s rating at PG and somewhat annoyed at his pointing out the flaw in my story.
I ran out of ideas, okay? Now let me get back to narrating, alright? Geez...
After finally finishing the paperwork within a few days, Dave was ready for his blood transfusion. He visited the America Red Cross Blood Donation Center to start the procedure. The receptionist greeted him with a wide, fake smile, trying to show enthusiasm to cheer up the terminally ill who have been walking through the doors every day for the past six years she has been working there. It takes a toll on a person’s soul, for sure.
Hah, that rhymed! Toll, soul, you see-
Shut up th!nk.
“Hello, what can I do for you?†queried the receptionist politely.
“Hi, I’m here for a blood transfusion.†replied Dave.
“Alright, what is your name and blood type?â€
“David Barnes, B+.â€
She started looking through the file cabinet, until she pulled out his file.
“Okay, you’re with Dr. Johnson in 23C. Have a nice day!â€
“Now how exactly am I supposed to do that?†Dave thought, as he responded “You too.â€
Dave walked down the immaculately white hallway until he stopped before a room labeled 23C. He opened the door and-
Alright, now’s my cue!
I paused for a second. Th!nk, what did I tell you...
Hey, that wasn’t me, bro.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Duuuuuuuude. Dude, it’s me!
I freeze for a second as realization dawns upon me. Oh boy, here we go, it’s-
A very, very muscular brown guy walks out of the shadows and starts talking.
Dude, come on, it’s me! Zain!
I sighed. Yeah, I kn-
NO! He’s lying! screams th!nk as he jumps up and points an accusatory finger at Zain.
OBJECTION!
th!nk, this is obviously Zain.
NO! He’s lying! You can see him sweat! He’s not talking in a British accent! He isn’t breaking anyone’s legs!
th!nk-
I AM A PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT!
Zain at this point gets irritated and flicks th!nk in the face, sending him flying into the fourth wall and breaking both of th!nk’s legs and said wall in the process.
Anyway, Ga, please go back to narrating the story. I simply love to hear about this Dave’s adventures in the wonderful land of blood transfusions. says Zain as he dusts himself off.
What-err, right, yeah.
Dave opened the door and found himself surrounded by chrome. There were three dividers for four beds and there were several bags of blood in the freezer, which were currently being arranged by a doctor. The doctor turned around and walked over to shake his hand.
“Hello. You must be Dave. I’m Dr. Johnson.â€
“Hello, Dr. Johnson. Yes, my name is Dave Barnes.â€
Wasn’t that repetitive? I mean, they just repeated each other’s names. Even if it’s a greeting, it just seems like you’re adding it as filler. remarks Zain as he cooly interrupts my narration.
Eh, I guess. I’ll fix it later. Now, back to the-
GERRRRZ BERRRRRZ MAHURRRRRRZ! (I summon Dark Magician of Beywiki Chaos!)
Zain, th!nk and I all turn around in horror at this point. I involuntarily shudder as I whisper, Oh god, please no.
KEI GO AND CLEAN UP THAT MESS OVER THERE. STOP PLAYING YUGIOH ALREADY.
At this point a figure driving a wheelchair with someone in it steps out from the rubble of what used to be the fourth wall.
Oh, hello Dan. says th!nk. I see you brought Kei with you though.
Yeah, today isn’t my off day so I’m stuck with driving him around. No, NO KEI DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR MY CLEANING UP.
GERZEGEGRGEGGRGEGRGEGR BURZZZZZMAHAHAHAHHAHERRRZZABABABA RAKWAAAAAAAAAAAAA
GRAH SCREW THIS, JUST LET ME FINISH THE STORY THEN TALK ALL YOU WANT. I scream at this point, wanting to just finish the story for the final round of that competition on the WBO.
Dave found himself hooked up to several tubes. The bag of blood, Dr. Johnson told him, was from a healthy 24-year old with no medical history of any major diseases. Easily good enough to keep a terminally ill 52 year-old man alive for an extra month and a half.
“Alright, we’re ready to start. I hope you don’t react to anesthesia badly.†remarks Dr. Johnson.
Dave felt the anesthesia begin to spread throughout his body, and he let his eyes droop as the doctor began inserting an IV into him with the blood.
Oh, hi guys!
Zain turns around to see. Rai, is that you?
Yup! The figure replies as a bespectacled, stereotypical neo-Southern boy walks out of the shadows.
Well, at least he didn’t do something stupid this time like-
KIE-V!!!!11!1!!!!!!!!!111!1 i iZ hear 2 chAlinGe U! a random noob screams out as he jumps from the rubble.
DAMMIT CHODY THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. screams Dan as th!nk pulls out his banhammer and swings. A solid crack resounds throughout the room as kingkupa1 slides to the floor with blood dripping down from both his head and th!nk’s hammer.
AND THE HAMMER TAKES FRESH BLOOD! NEW BLOOD! th!nks laughs as he dances in place, hammer in hand. When none of us are laughing, he stops laughing and sighs.
None of you get it do you? Come on guys, it’s less funny when I have to explain it...The joke is that new blood equals fresh meat or noob. Ha? Haha?
th!nk sits back down with a sigh and Picards-I mean, facepalms. I, yet again, try to turn back to my story when a girl pops up.
Hey guys! It’s me, Insom- CRACK.
Insomniac, having been brought here by Raigeko13, pauses in mid-sentence as her eyes glaze over, and she falls to the ground with a large bump on the back of her head. th!nk stands with his bloody banhammer behind her, breathing heavily.
Didn’t want to risk having another new blood join us. he answered as he sat down and began cleaning his banhammer.
GERZ BERXIJNFWHADURZMAAAA-

SHUT UP KEI GO BACK TO SLEEP.
LOLOLOLOL-
Unable to take it anymore, I throw them all out of the room through the nonexistent fourth wall.
SHUT UP, GOD DAMMIT! ALL OF YOU!
------
Dave finally awakes and sees a purple unicorn in a lab coat shining a flashlight into his eyes. He flies out of the bed and starts hyperventilating.
“JESUS CHRIST!â€
“Dave, calm down! It’s me, Dr. Johnson.†The purple unicorn raises its hooves in the air in a sign of peace. “The transfusion was successful, but there was one problem...â€
“And what was that? Hallucinations?â€
“Well, you see, the person we took the blood you received from died in a drunk driving accident yesterday. What we didn’t know was that his blood alcohol concentration was still incredibly high. So, for the next week or so, you’ll hallucinate and see visions and distorted people.â€
As Dr. Johnson started morphing into a blue pony with a rainbow mane, green bubbles started rising from his hands and the room began to turn into a large cave.
“Just wonderful.†Dave said, and then he blacked out.