Chapter 1

Spoiler (Click to View)

Once upon a time, there lived 4 fifth grade siblings named Rebbeca, Ryan, Rachel, and Ray.
"Come on, come on!" yelled Rachel, showing her siblings the ice monster she built. Ray shushed her. They all couldn't believe their eyes! It was a real ice monster! "Cool!" said Rebbeca. "What does it do?" said Ryan. "Thanks, Rebecca. Ryan, it could shoot ice into our cups and cool our home if it gets hot." answered Rachel. "I love it!" exclaimed Ryan.

Chapter 2

Spoiler (Click to View)

The 4 siblings went to bed and the next morning they have realized that their ice monster has been stolen. Ryan cried, "Why!" he said. "Don't worry, we will get it back!" said Rachel. "WHEN!" said Ryan. "When we catch the thief who stole it." answered Ray. "We will need to go outside to do preliminary investigation. We also need to install a security system to operate when we are asleep." suggested Rebecca. "Let's do it!" said Ryan, in excitement.

Chapter 3

Spoiler (Click to View)

The siblings built the security system and went to school. They showed it to their fans. Also, they've shown it to their friends Lee and Nick. "A pretty decent way to catch burglars." commented Nick. "A great see!" commented Lee. "Thanks. We need to catch the thief who stole the ice monster I have built. So can you guys come over to our house to help us with investigation?" asked Rachel. "Sure!" answered Lee and Nick.

Chapter 4

Spoiler (Click to View)

The 6 fifth graders went to the investigation spot after school. "There are like, no people." said Rachel. "This is stupid." commented Nick. "Hey! Were you here yesterday at 5:45 PM?" said Rachel. The stranger said "No, why?" "There is a thief out there who stole my ice monster! It cools our home!" complained Rachel. "Must you get into my business?" said the stranger. "Answer us, or we will call the cops saying that you stole the ice monster" demanded Nick. "I didn't! Now leave me alone!" answered the stranger. "Go. You tick me off." said Ray.

Chapter 5

Spoiler (Click to View)

The friends looked all around for the thief when they noticed it was their dad. "Dad! Why would you steal our ice monster and make it so plush?" questioned Rachel. "Because, we'll, ummm, you.....were..........grounded." answered Dad. "That's a lie!" commented Lee. "I'm not talking to you." said Dad. "We were not grounded!" said Ryan. "Oh. Then I stole it because the little fellow needed ice for his daughter's ice castle. You know Ruby, right?" answered Dad. "That she-devil took our ice?" questioned Rachel. "Yes." answered Dad. "She is going to PAY!" commented Lee.

Chapter 6

Spoiler (Click to View)

The friends went to Ruby's house and knocked on the door. "Who is it?" asked a voice. "People you've met before." answered Rachel. "It's open!" said the voice. It was their babysitter, Max. "Are you here to see Ruby?" asked Max. "Yes. We need to talk to her." answered Nick. "She is kind of busy. I'll tell her you were here and to come to your place in about 15 minutes. Is that okay?" asked Max. "Uh... Yes." answered Rebecca.

Chapter 7

Spoiler (Click to View)

Ruby came and knocked on the friend's door. Ryan answered it. "Why did you steal my ice monster?" asked Rachel, hugging herself. "Because I did! Why should you eavesdrop?" said Ruby. "It is my invention. I am responsible. Now give it back!" demanded Rachel. "It's loose." said Ruby. "Fix it." said Rachel in an angry voice. "I'll see what I could do." finished Ruby.

Chapter 8

Spoiler (Click to View)

Ruby went and grabbed 5 pieces of ice, hoping to fix the ice monster. But there was the broken one with a flash of bright light. The ice was freezing again. "Rachel, come and look at this!' yelled Ruby. Rachel came to the kitchen. "The ice monster is growing!" mentioned Rachel. The friends came. "Man, the ice is freezing." commented Ray and Lee together. "Your ice monster is back. Now please leave me alone." said Ruby, leaving the house. "This is very great!" said Ryan. "I know right!" answered Rachel. The friends sang their favorite celebration song, The Wave.

Spoiler (Click to View)

The END

You should make the chapter longer and press enter/return when a person is talking, like this:

"Wow cool!" Exclaimed Ryan
"Thanks!" Said Rachel

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

You should make the chapter longer and press enter/return when a person is talking, like this:

"Wow cool!" Exclaimed Ryan
"Thanks!" Said Rachel

Thanks for the advice. But please read my story right before reviewing it. I didn't say "WOW COOL!" I just said "Cool!" That was not Ryan's part. But thanks for your advice.

It really helps that other writers like you reach out to grow the story.

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

I know lol, it was an example

EDIT: @his post below me: what? I didn't say "Exclamed Rachel" look at my post....

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

Now, you do not need to do Exclamed Rachel. Just exclaimed Rachel. If you feel the need to discuss it further, just PM me.

---

I know lol, it was an example

EDIT: @his post below me: what? I didn't say "Exclamed Rachel" look at my post....

It is an EXAMPLE. Hello!

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

A regular 10 year-old magically creates a snow monster to cool drinks? I don't see how thats intelligence....

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

A regular 10 year-old magically creates snow monster? I don't see how thats intelligence....

Because people are aiming at 10-year olds who are at that level. Don't waste your time with me if you're gonna block me.

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Well, first the chapter is way too short. There is no description of the characters, setting, anything.
Second, a fifth grader builds an ice monster, with the sole purpose of cooling drinks? First, the chick's ten. When I was ten I was building Lego vehicles the size of my hand, not monsters. Also, if for some reason I did what millions of highly intelligent people only dream of, I would certainly not make it for the sole purpose of dispensing ice.

It needs a lot of work, but I'll keep an eye on it.

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.

I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.

If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Lego blocks are made in factories. child labor is illegal in the USA :\.

@Chapter 2: still too short and the dialogue is hard to understand when it written like that.

EDIT: yeah, I don't want this to turn into to spamming/arguing. I'll watch the thread and comment on the upcoming chapters, but please, like i told you in PM; we are trying to help you write better, please don't insult us.

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

It's called intelligence. Anyone could build a LEGO vehicle. But a ten year old who builds an ice monster, now that's a money maker! (If she promotes it)

Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.

I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.

If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.

Yes, the truth does hurt, 10 year olds cannot build biological beings.

Anyway, chapter 2 still isn't long enough and you really should press enter when dialogue shifts.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Yes, intelligence, that must be it. Do you realise that no one ever, in the history of mankind has created an ice monster, or anything of the sort for that matter. And if it was possible, it would take much longer than ten years. And there was no need to be rude about it, I was just giving criticism.

I apologize if you're so offended about it, it's the truth. Any 10 year old person builds a LEGO block. I was not being rude. There is an old saying, the truth hurts. If you're offended, I apologize, but I politely ask you to please explain your statement.

If you need to have further conversation with me about it, take it to PM or else the mods will think we're spamming.

Yes, the truth does hurt, 10 year olds cannot build biological beings.
Anyway, chapter 2 still isn't long enough and you really should press enter when dialogue shifts.

And what will that do? Also, answer in Private Message please. That is what I would like.

---

5 long sentences is short? Really?

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Um, most stories' chapters are 5x as long. Look at any good writers' story.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Take a look at the chapters on my story man. You need to calm down and take criticism a little better, it seems like you're getting a little heated.

As for my take, they weren't wrong when they told you about separating speech, and the length of the chapters. 5 long sentences tend to be paragraphs in almost any form of writing. Work on it a little more and I'll visit back later.

Cheers

---

Veteran, just getting back into the sway of things

It's a good start and don't take this the wrong way but Im gonna have to agree on the other guys on this one. Maybe give the ice monster thing a rest. Try a storyline that is going to be maybe the slightest bit achievable in real life. Not trying to be rude but maybe make your plot a tinsy bit more possible and it could make for a great narrative! Also give us some more character description or else we won't know what the characters look like or or what their personalities are like.

Try these couple of things out and you'll be on your way to having a great story!

---

My armour is contempt

My shield is disgust

My sword is hatred

In the emperor's name

Let none survive

It's a good start and don't take this the wrong way but Im gonna have to agree on the other guys on this one. Maybe give the ice monster thing a rest. Try a storyline that is going to be maybe the slightest bit achievable in real life. Not trying to be rude but maybe make your plot a tinsy bit more possible and it could make for a great narrative! Also give us some more character description or else we won't know what the characters look like or or what their personalities are like.

Try these couple of things out and you'll be on your way to having a great story!

Okay. I will.

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

It's an okay start. But there are still improvments to come. I do think you should add more content to each of your chapters, though. Other than that, I thought it was great! Keep it up, but at the same time, always be sure to take others advice!

You should describe more. The kids just made a surcurity system in a matter of hours? By hand? :\

They tried to blackmail a random person and lie about the thief? I'm really starting to dislike these characters.

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

You should describe more. The kids just made a surcurity system in a matter of hours? By hand? :\

They tried to blackmail a random person and lie about the thief? I'm really starting to dislike these characters.

How could they blackmail a random person? It is called a fiction story.

EDIT: What do you think will happen on Chapter 6?

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

They threatened to lie to the police if the random person walking by didnt tell them where he was the night before...

---

Signature credit to Leet.o

Spoiler (Click to View)

Threads you should read:

Pony King ? God, can't believe I typed this. I have to put my keyboard in the dishwasher now...

dude are you a gangster

LOL did you asked Midnight to take that pic?

When a monochrome picture is posted on WBO, it doesn't mean that it's always from Midnight.

I wouldn't trust someone with that many Cancer faces.

Well damn.

@[The Supreme One] Soul Baez V145AS

There's nothing else really to do or say except wait for the Superbowl, but I'm only here so I don't get fined.



Time. *gets up and leaves*

We won't have tournaments in the winter. Cause we are not one of those Canadian people where they just go outside like nothing happened to their hands.

i like my coffee like i like my men B)



i don't like coffee

I never have.

*Ginga*.. you're drunk bro... go home.. : )

Tbh SGMS & BDMS are kinda worthless.
MSUV is a far better spent investment; DGMF is even better IMO.

Um what? You're just saying that because you're a dragoon fanboy...

Why would I be suspended????

HMS summarised:




Anything not Tornado Type S:  Wolborg will leave you #rekt




Otherwise:  Go crazy with Ultimate Grip Flat 




For something less cookie-cutter:  Jiraiya sure is sexy

Is Wolborg 2 useless for competitive play?

Extremely useless. 
Now, if you come upon one I'll just PM you my address so you can throw it away. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I wasn't looking for Beyblade Underwear, I swear

Ok, even fiction stories need boundaries. This is so impossible it's ridiculous. I was going to wait to vote, but it's obvious you're disregarding everyone's advice.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Okay everyone! I have made 2 chapters and I'm ready for the voting and the comments!

---

Xbox Live Gamertag: II IX Jeteye IX

The games I have are in my bio.

Tyson Granger attached a moderator notice to this user
This user was warned for being TOO EPIC!!!!!

Please take the advice that has been posted in this thread previously. The chapters are way too short, the sulphur is choppy, and it's still ridiculously impossible that any of the events in this story would ever take place.

---

“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)