The Year of Bey Destruction 2050 (Chapter 5 added) (Taking Character Requests)

Poll: How is the story?

Great Story!
37.50%
3
It's good. Continue to write.
25.00%
2
It's okay.
37.50%
3
I hate it.
0%
0
Total: 100% 8 vote(s)
This is my first story.
I hope everyone likes it!
Please right any improvements needed in this thread.
I'm also taking character requests in this format,
Name-
Bey-
Looks-
Personality-
Special move-
Good, evil, or mysterious

Chapters will be added daily!

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5



Eh, it seems a bit clumped. Maybe If you space out the text it'll be easier to read and it'll look bigger...

Also, You're really adding one or two sentences per line. That's makes the story too short...

Lastly, You're just throwing a bunch of dialogue in at one time and switching characters every sentence. Nobody in real life (if they're normal) exchanges sentences when they talk...
I was trying to make it sound like real book authors such as Louis sachar does
Story edited
How about now?
I like it. Keep writingStupid
Name Jason
Bey Earth Eagle C145 es
Looks Has shaggy blonde hair
Personality nice and fun but kind of wise
Special move Ripping talon strike. eagle flys out of the stadium and attacks from above with it's claws.
Mysterious. He kinda watches Azhar and helps him improve


Nice story
(Aug. 18, 2012  2:45 PM)MasterBlader-x Wrote: I like it. Keep writingStupid
Thanks
(Aug. 18, 2012  4:05 PM)EarthEagle2813 Wrote: Name Jason
Bey Earth Eagle C145 es
Looks Has shaggy blonde hair
Personality nice and fun but kind of wise
Special move Ripping talon strike. eagle flys out of the stadium and attacks from above with it's claws.
Mysterious. He kinda watches Azhar and helps him improve


Nice story
I will add him in the next chapter
I think the story is good!,but you need to write a prologue to explain how the world changed and that no money was used and instead bey points were!and how everything was about beyblade!
Write the prologue in another spoiler!
Just a suggestion, to make your chapters longer, try to explain more than happens. Example- Don't just say they battled so and so. Actually make the battle happen (write it). It will make the chapters longer and more interesting.
(Aug. 19, 2012  2:19 AM)Beyniac Wrote: Just a suggestion, to make your chapters longer, try to explain more than happens. Example- Don't just say they battled so and so. Actually make the battle happen (write it). It will make the chapters longer and more interesting.
Ok thanks for the help
Chapter 4 added

Chapter 5 added as well
Goodluck with the story beychamp
beychamp you should write more details of what they do like when wiliem found jason!you would have explained "that he saw someone battling and was beating the kids bey with no effort winning non stop bey points and matches"...i am just saying so you can make the story more interesting!and other than that the story is epicSmile!!!
(Aug. 20, 2012  12:01 AM)Zero X Wrote: Goodluck with the story beychamp
Thanks a lot!


(Aug. 20, 2012  12:16 AM)sparkman321lir Wrote: beychamp you should write more details of what they do like when wiliem found jason!you would have explained "that he saw someone battling and was beating the kids bey with no effort winning non stop bey points and matches"...i am just saying so you can make the story more interesting!and other than that the story is epicSmile!!!
Thanks for the tips
I will use them to improve
Thanks for the compliment as well
I'm going to need a character that destroys beys but later turns good after the leader of the Dark Spirit bladers destroys his bey
Anyone have a character request
I can't do chapter 6 without it
Awesome story!
Can't wait to read more
Thank you
I will write the next chapter at night
Name: Dax
Bey:dark knight dragooon 85RLF
Looks:he has a crimson red jacket,blue jeans,and crimson red shoes and has pale skin.He has black red-ish hair.
Personality:he acts cool,mysterious,and evil,and kind in a way
Special move:dark destruction(the bey starts to spin faster and a dark aura sorrounds the bey and then it creates an explosion),reverse darkness(this move is used when the bey spin steals the opponents bey then it uses it as its own power and its power increases rapidly,and when it hits a bey the bey is destroyed)
evil,and mysterious
Thanks I will add him in the next chapter