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Want me to review your story? PM me the link and i'll review your story right here in this thread!
Reviewers-
Minho (90 RP)
Sparta (20 RP)
SDamonCronous (20 RP)
sonicsora123 (20 RP)
Temporal (40 RP)
DeX (10 RP)
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NOTICE: Reviews are $10 each Reviews in their entireity are FREE!
BUNNII2165's Reviews
SPARTA's Reviews
DEX's Reviews
SDAMONCRONOUS's Reviews
SONICSORA123's Reviews
TEMPORAL's Reviews
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For Reviewers: Since other people want spots i've come up with a rule system. RP are reputation points. If you ever get under 0 RP you are kicked out, also each spam you make costs you 1 RP. Each review you write gains you 10 RP.
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Firstly, i'd like to thank my reviewers and the WBO members who gave me stories. I remember when no one would bother with this thread and now its gone so far.
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Hello and welcome to my reviewing company!
Want me to review your story? PM me the link and i'll review your story right here in this thread!
Reviewers-
Minho (90 RP)
Sparta (20 RP)
SDamonCronous (20 RP)
sonicsora123 (20 RP)
Temporal (40 RP)
DeX (10 RP)
REVIEW APPLICATION IMPORTANT!
Name of story:
Who you want to review it:
link:
Instructions for reviewers IMPORTANT!!!
1. Write review.
2. PM review to Bunnii2165
3. Bunnii2165 places your review in OP under your name
4. Done and done!
Are you good at writing? wanna make reviews? then RENEGADE REVIEWS WANTS YOU... pm Bunnii2165 if you think your up for it!
REVIEWER APPLICATION IMPORTANT!!!
Name:
History With Writing:
Why you want to work for Renegade Reviews:
Example of writing:
IMPORTANT!!!
An example of writing can be either a song, rap, poem or story etc.
Wanna get good at writing? Read this for some basic info: The Writers Hanbook
CRITERIA
Must be on the WBO
Story must not be rude or offensive in any way
NOTICE: Reviews are $10 each Reviews in their entireity are FREE!
BUNNII2165's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
Katsuya's Story~ Series 1~ G-Force
Beyblade: Legends Episodes: 1-12
The Backwards Beyblade Story
Into the Furnace
Lost in Darkness
Cross Black Excalibur
The World Spins Like A Bey
The Chronicles of Samuel D.Baychrist
Enter; Syst3m
Spoiler (Click to View)
Katsuya's Story~ Series 1~ G-Force By Katsuya
Katsuya's story is definitely interesting. You are allowed to request for your own character who he will place into the story. The stories consists mostly of battles and not much storyline inbetween. The plotline is basic - battle, get beypoints, be the best blader - although not a very complicated story it still is pretty good action material. Their is a lot of dialogue though which sometimes is hard to understand, and the battles are not very descriptive so you have to use your imagination a lot more than usual. The story has potential! Lots of it. With some more description and less dialogue this would be Grade A material! Keep It Up Katsuya!
SCORE: 7/10 Bunnii2165
Katsuya's story is definitely interesting. You are allowed to request for your own character who he will place into the story. The stories consists mostly of battles and not much storyline inbetween. The plotline is basic - battle, get beypoints, be the best blader - although not a very complicated story it still is pretty good action material. Their is a lot of dialogue though which sometimes is hard to understand, and the battles are not very descriptive so you have to use your imagination a lot more than usual. The story has potential! Lots of it. With some more description and less dialogue this would be Grade A material! Keep It Up Katsuya!
SCORE: 7/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
Beyblade: Legends Episodes: 1-12 By NightWolf 7919
Great story. Thats enough said. I'll elaborate, although short it is a great start to a story I think will be truly awesome. The plot is of a little boy named Reiiji. because he is poor he has bad expieriences in his old town, then suddenly he moves to Tokyo for a vacation with his family, who for now, consists of his dad: a drunk. Reiiji becomes fascinated with Beyblade and plans to make his own. Reiiji seems to be a troubled child even though he excels at school his father is pretty abusive. Reiiji is determined to be a great blader and you can really feel his joy, pain and all his emotions! This story is beautifully described and detailed! I would like, However, for longer episodes but otherwise congrats Nightwolf! You have to keep writing!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
Great story. Thats enough said. I'll elaborate, although short it is a great start to a story I think will be truly awesome. The plot is of a little boy named Reiiji. because he is poor he has bad expieriences in his old town, then suddenly he moves to Tokyo for a vacation with his family, who for now, consists of his dad: a drunk. Reiiji becomes fascinated with Beyblade and plans to make his own. Reiiji seems to be a troubled child even though he excels at school his father is pretty abusive. Reiiji is determined to be a great blader and you can really feel his joy, pain and all his emotions! This story is beautifully described and detailed! I would like, However, for longer episodes but otherwise congrats Nightwolf! You have to keep writing!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Backwards Beyblade Story by Smart Blader
The Backwards Beyblade Story is basically a beyblade dimension where everything is in reverse. There are many things limiting this story, with some work it can be great. Unfortunately that is not the case with this story. The grammar is pretty terrible and the dialogue here is endless and does not make sense. The story isn't very well described, with chapters about a paragraph long. The story jumps from setting to setting without warning! You will get some sort of humor from this but thats only in laughing at the reversed names. I was hoping this would be a good story. It's a great idea with immensly huge potential but unfortunately a great story is something you wont get from this one. Dont lose heart Smart Blader! It can be fixed but only with huge determination.
SCORE: 3/10 Bunnii2165
The Backwards Beyblade Story is basically a beyblade dimension where everything is in reverse. There are many things limiting this story, with some work it can be great. Unfortunately that is not the case with this story. The grammar is pretty terrible and the dialogue here is endless and does not make sense. The story isn't very well described, with chapters about a paragraph long. The story jumps from setting to setting without warning! You will get some sort of humor from this but thats only in laughing at the reversed names. I was hoping this would be a good story. It's a great idea with immensly huge potential but unfortunately a great story is something you wont get from this one. Dont lose heart Smart Blader! It can be fixed but only with huge determination.
SCORE: 3/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
Into the Furnace By sonicsora123
Into the Furnace is a great illustrated story, in the sense that just the first chapter will intrigue you! It starts with the main character, Dylan, being forced into a surprise battle with some mysterioius blader chanting ' The Cold Fire burns all.' He is defeated and is knocked out. He awakes in the home of a girl named Claire who had healed him. Dylan offered to be her friend and give her a home. Claire had a bey too but little did Dylan know they would be in more danger than ever. Because its such a great story i wont give away any spoilers but let me tell you this is a book you have to read!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
“The Cold Fire burns all.â€
Into the Furnace is a great illustrated story, in the sense that just the first chapter will intrigue you! It starts with the main character, Dylan, being forced into a surprise battle with some mysterioius blader chanting ' The Cold Fire burns all.' He is defeated and is knocked out. He awakes in the home of a girl named Claire who had healed him. Dylan offered to be her friend and give her a home. Claire had a bey too but little did Dylan know they would be in more danger than ever. Because its such a great story i wont give away any spoilers but let me tell you this is a book you have to read!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
Lost in Darkness By ShiftShadow
Just when I had thought the stories couldn't get better than 'Into the Furnace' i was asked to review this. This is an excellent story with detail and description carefully, but wonderfully, woven into the plot. The chapters are nice and lengthy and each one will want you wanting more! I'll talk about the plot. It is a mysterious man who has haunting memories of battles which all end the exact same way: defeat. Now this is a great story i dont want to give away so just go read it! don't believe me? Read this:
"
I stopped and stood there, raising my arms up into the air. My twin swords, my partners, materialized into the palms of my hands. Just as I had thought, the man appeared again, at the top of the building, the same place he always had. His body and clothes were pitch black, except for his blood red eyes. Besides that he looked just like me. Slowly, he floated down towards me. His red eyes glared into my brown eyes, just looking at him made feel weak and exhausted. Fear locked my body up as I tried to swing at him with my swords, but my body had frozen. The man's feet touched the ground without making a sound. He walked up to me and gently brushed his ice cold hand against my brown face. He unsheathed his two blades which were hanging on his back and lowered one towards my neck. He started to swing, but then I could move again. Quickly, my arm sliced at his head, he dropped his sword, ducked and rolled backwards. He flipped over onto his feet, but I charged again, only to have my attack bounce off of the blade he still held.
A never ending cycle of these battles had haunted my past, although they always ended the same way. I had memorized it, but could never overcome the devastating defeat. By now, he would have me trapped against the wall of the building with the one sword he still had at my neck. I would struggle to free myself, but the efforts were always futile. He would raise his hand and the one sword that I knocked away from before would make its way back to him. With one upward strike, he would send my swords hurdling up into the endless sky, never to be seen again. And lastly, he would turn away and stab me, burying his blade into my right rib. His grip on the sword would intensify, as shockwaves of energy from his dark soul would errupt into my body. My bones would shatter as he would finally disappear through the wall of the building that I was trapped against, muttering out the word "pitiful" as he left."
Now, if that doesn't intrigue you then nothing can.
ShiftShadow, You're a legend, every aspiring writer on the WBO should learn from you.
SCORE: 10/10 Bunnii2165
"Easily, the best non - beyblade story on the WBO"
Just when I had thought the stories couldn't get better than 'Into the Furnace' i was asked to review this. This is an excellent story with detail and description carefully, but wonderfully, woven into the plot. The chapters are nice and lengthy and each one will want you wanting more! I'll talk about the plot. It is a mysterious man who has haunting memories of battles which all end the exact same way: defeat. Now this is a great story i dont want to give away so just go read it! don't believe me? Read this:
"
I stopped and stood there, raising my arms up into the air. My twin swords, my partners, materialized into the palms of my hands. Just as I had thought, the man appeared again, at the top of the building, the same place he always had. His body and clothes were pitch black, except for his blood red eyes. Besides that he looked just like me. Slowly, he floated down towards me. His red eyes glared into my brown eyes, just looking at him made feel weak and exhausted. Fear locked my body up as I tried to swing at him with my swords, but my body had frozen. The man's feet touched the ground without making a sound. He walked up to me and gently brushed his ice cold hand against my brown face. He unsheathed his two blades which were hanging on his back and lowered one towards my neck. He started to swing, but then I could move again. Quickly, my arm sliced at his head, he dropped his sword, ducked and rolled backwards. He flipped over onto his feet, but I charged again, only to have my attack bounce off of the blade he still held.
A never ending cycle of these battles had haunted my past, although they always ended the same way. I had memorized it, but could never overcome the devastating defeat. By now, he would have me trapped against the wall of the building with the one sword he still had at my neck. I would struggle to free myself, but the efforts were always futile. He would raise his hand and the one sword that I knocked away from before would make its way back to him. With one upward strike, he would send my swords hurdling up into the endless sky, never to be seen again. And lastly, he would turn away and stab me, burying his blade into my right rib. His grip on the sword would intensify, as shockwaves of energy from his dark soul would errupt into my body. My bones would shatter as he would finally disappear through the wall of the building that I was trapped against, muttering out the word "pitiful" as he left."
Now, if that doesn't intrigue you then nothing can.
ShiftShadow, You're a legend, every aspiring writer on the WBO should learn from you.
SCORE: 10/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
Cross Black Excalibur By BurnBlader
An interesting title for an, unfortunately, average WBO Beyblade story. The idea, from what I can gather from the paragraph long first chapter is how a blader comes up with a special move and how the main character battles a mysterious figure who is suspiciously exactly like Doji for Metal Fusion. The first chapter - which is really just an unofficial intro - is unbelievably short yet it paves the way for whats to come.
The next part in the story is based one year later, Where there are Bey Tournaments held that are suspiciouly like Battle Bladers. I don't know if this is original or if he is just writing what happens in Beyblade: Metal Fusion and giving it a twist.
Well, it is a pretty good story that goes higher than the low standard of Beystories i've seen in this forum and it is punchy and interesting. Congratulations BurnBlader. Try make it more original.
SCORE:7/10 Bunnii2165
An interesting title for an, unfortunately, average WBO Beyblade story. The idea, from what I can gather from the paragraph long first chapter is how a blader comes up with a special move and how the main character battles a mysterious figure who is suspiciously exactly like Doji for Metal Fusion. The first chapter - which is really just an unofficial intro - is unbelievably short yet it paves the way for whats to come.
The next part in the story is based one year later, Where there are Bey Tournaments held that are suspiciouly like Battle Bladers. I don't know if this is original or if he is just writing what happens in Beyblade: Metal Fusion and giving it a twist.
Well, it is a pretty good story that goes higher than the low standard of Beystories i've seen in this forum and it is punchy and interesting. Congratulations BurnBlader. Try make it more original.
SCORE:7/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
The World Spins Like A Bey By RowDog
Jaden Gatti. Lone Blader. Skilled Blader. The story consists of Jaden Gatti, a lone blader, fighting in tournaments to win beypoints. His first battle is with Brad. He wins the tournament and becomes invited to the World Championships. He crosses paths with Brad again where they make a team: The World Spinners.
Thats the basic plotline. now onto details. The story is one of the only bey stories i've seen that mixes description and dialogue without stuffing it up. The story is heavily described and detailed and you won't be bothered because there is enough dialogue to keep you reading. The story is original and captivating and the beys all have original names! YES!
The story is easily the best Bey - Story on the WBO for its originality, description and story. Congratulations RowDog, when it comes to beystories we have a lot to learn from you.
SCORE: 10/10 Bunnii2165
We are the World Spinners. A Beyblade spins. The World spins. The world spins like our beys. Some might say our beyblades spin the Earth. Then it is our job that the world doesn’t stop spinning.
Jaden Gatti. Lone Blader. Skilled Blader. The story consists of Jaden Gatti, a lone blader, fighting in tournaments to win beypoints. His first battle is with Brad. He wins the tournament and becomes invited to the World Championships. He crosses paths with Brad again where they make a team: The World Spinners.
Thats the basic plotline. now onto details. The story is one of the only bey stories i've seen that mixes description and dialogue without stuffing it up. The story is heavily described and detailed and you won't be bothered because there is enough dialogue to keep you reading. The story is original and captivating and the beys all have original names! YES!
The story is easily the best Bey - Story on the WBO for its originality, description and story. Congratulations RowDog, when it comes to beystories we have a lot to learn from you.
SCORE: 10/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Chronicles of Samuel D.Baychrist By SDamonCronous
No spoilers. I am not giving away anything about this story. I'll just talk about its pure awesomeness. This is Book 1 of the chronicles and i must say it is awesome. It combines blading, detail, description, dialogue and awesomeness in a beautiful mix. There are lots of beybattles and this is original and not the Dark Nebula and Doji type of Bey story! You have to read this story! Here's a sneek peek:
""Plutis! Progress report!" A thin, wiry man walked up, his sky blue hair standing out from his figure along with his eyes, as wide as the moon, his voice brimming with excitement.
"We are currently trying to scan the stone for traces of radioactivity and pressure signals, but whenever we go near it all our equipment stops working, the stone seems to have some kind of electrical field that surrounds it, and we are getting our things together to try to neutralize it."
"How long do you think that will take?" Asked Sam; glancing over Plutis' shoulder at the team of scientists that crowded the glimmering stone. Plutis looked up for a few moments, seeming to add up all the factors and variables. "The field is strong, the strongest I have ever seen, and taking into account the equipment we will need and what we have available, I would say around a month or two to get it fully neutralized; if everything goes well"
Sam shook his head violently. "Too long, I have waited enough." Sam pushed past Plutis and toward the stone while knocked over the scientists who were surrounding it. Sam reached out his hand to grab the stone when it was jerked back by another. Plutis was behind him, holding him back.
"Sir, No! Touching the stone is dangerous, we don't know what could happen if you make contact with i..." That was as far as he got before Sam’s hand was at his thought, gripping it in an iron like grasp.
"WE SHALL BE FREE!" A voice echoed from Sam’s mouth that was not his own, like someone, or something, was speaking through him. Sam dropped Plutis onto the floor and turned back to the stone; his hand once again reaching for it.
"Noooo!" Yelled Plutis; as he leapt for Sam, diving between him and the stone. His hand made contact with the stone as he flung himself forward, and an echoic scream was heard around the tunnel as rainbow light enveloped Plutis, stretching from his hands all the way to his head. His eyes flashed and smoke poured from his mouth, and seismic pulses cracked the floor around him, sending Sam and anyone else close by flying through the air and crashing agenised the far wall.
Plutis' body twisted and turned around, then crashed to the ground, his screams of pain were becoming louder and more desperate as his body writhed and spasmed on the floor. The rainbow colour that surrounded his body slowly turned into a dark shade of grey, and then pitch black. Plutis' screams turned into more of the screams of an animal rather than human, an animal roaring in fury and triumph. There was one final scream, before his body stopped moving, and the flames retreated into his skin. What was left, laying, abandoned on the floor, was no longer Plutis.
Great Book! Just watch out for spelling and grammatical errors and you're good to go!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
No spoilers. I am not giving away anything about this story. I'll just talk about its pure awesomeness. This is Book 1 of the chronicles and i must say it is awesome. It combines blading, detail, description, dialogue and awesomeness in a beautiful mix. There are lots of beybattles and this is original and not the Dark Nebula and Doji type of Bey story! You have to read this story! Here's a sneek peek:
""Plutis! Progress report!" A thin, wiry man walked up, his sky blue hair standing out from his figure along with his eyes, as wide as the moon, his voice brimming with excitement.
"We are currently trying to scan the stone for traces of radioactivity and pressure signals, but whenever we go near it all our equipment stops working, the stone seems to have some kind of electrical field that surrounds it, and we are getting our things together to try to neutralize it."
"How long do you think that will take?" Asked Sam; glancing over Plutis' shoulder at the team of scientists that crowded the glimmering stone. Plutis looked up for a few moments, seeming to add up all the factors and variables. "The field is strong, the strongest I have ever seen, and taking into account the equipment we will need and what we have available, I would say around a month or two to get it fully neutralized; if everything goes well"
Sam shook his head violently. "Too long, I have waited enough." Sam pushed past Plutis and toward the stone while knocked over the scientists who were surrounding it. Sam reached out his hand to grab the stone when it was jerked back by another. Plutis was behind him, holding him back.
"Sir, No! Touching the stone is dangerous, we don't know what could happen if you make contact with i..." That was as far as he got before Sam’s hand was at his thought, gripping it in an iron like grasp.
"WE SHALL BE FREE!" A voice echoed from Sam’s mouth that was not his own, like someone, or something, was speaking through him. Sam dropped Plutis onto the floor and turned back to the stone; his hand once again reaching for it.
"Noooo!" Yelled Plutis; as he leapt for Sam, diving between him and the stone. His hand made contact with the stone as he flung himself forward, and an echoic scream was heard around the tunnel as rainbow light enveloped Plutis, stretching from his hands all the way to his head. His eyes flashed and smoke poured from his mouth, and seismic pulses cracked the floor around him, sending Sam and anyone else close by flying through the air and crashing agenised the far wall.
Plutis' body twisted and turned around, then crashed to the ground, his screams of pain were becoming louder and more desperate as his body writhed and spasmed on the floor. The rainbow colour that surrounded his body slowly turned into a dark shade of grey, and then pitch black. Plutis' screams turned into more of the screams of an animal rather than human, an animal roaring in fury and triumph. There was one final scream, before his body stopped moving, and the flames retreated into his skin. What was left, laying, abandoned on the floor, was no longer Plutis.
Great Book! Just watch out for spelling and grammatical errors and you're good to go!
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
Spoiler (Click to View)
Enter; Sys3m By Vintage
Reality, depicted by us humans as a sense of what is real. Though, for me, I am not sure on what to believe. How are we supposed to know what is real, and what is not. What if, we are not real. What if the world isn't real. This is what is currently running through my mind. Because, you see, I've been dragged into something that would normally ruin a persons sense of realism, yet I am coping. What if, we were just the characters of some persons story, what would you do? Knowing that everything you do, is just a will done by somebody writing your life. I myself have run into a place where I'm thinking the protagonist of a story. I'm not sure how it will turn out, but I can only record my life, and hope someone takes it to heart. So to whoever reads this, know that it is not a story, but a journal of what might possibly be finding the illusion of reality.
The story from what i can gather is of an intense novelist who finds himself flung into confusion of what is real and what isn't. An interesting plot that interests you so much only to throw it in your face and say "HAHAHAHA its not finished you'll never know what happens next."
Its a great prologue to what i think will be a great story. Just try to reveal more and put a bit more simpler language and it will entrall readers.
As far as i can see there are not any grammatical mistakes and the flow is nice and imaginative therefore i must give it a healthy score.
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
Reality, depicted by us humans as a sense of what is real. Though, for me, I am not sure on what to believe. How are we supposed to know what is real, and what is not. What if, we are not real. What if the world isn't real. This is what is currently running through my mind. Because, you see, I've been dragged into something that would normally ruin a persons sense of realism, yet I am coping. What if, we were just the characters of some persons story, what would you do? Knowing that everything you do, is just a will done by somebody writing your life. I myself have run into a place where I'm thinking the protagonist of a story. I'm not sure how it will turn out, but I can only record my life, and hope someone takes it to heart. So to whoever reads this, know that it is not a story, but a journal of what might possibly be finding the illusion of reality.
The story from what i can gather is of an intense novelist who finds himself flung into confusion of what is real and what isn't. An interesting plot that interests you so much only to throw it in your face and say "HAHAHAHA its not finished you'll never know what happens next."
Its a great prologue to what i think will be a great story. Just try to reveal more and put a bit more simpler language and it will entrall readers.
As far as i can see there are not any grammatical mistakes and the flow is nice and imaginative therefore i must give it a healthy score.
SCORE: 9/10 Bunnii2165
SPARTA's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Darkness Within
Crisis!
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Darkness Within
This story is about a young boy named Lozen, who embarks on a beyblading journey both as a blader and a beyblade mechanic. In the first chapter, he has to pass a test at a beyblade center in order to receive the rank of a bey Ordinator. The author describes this rank as "Being a master". Although the story is not overrun with dialogue, it is very choppy and confusing at times. Also, there is not much description and I could not get a feel for the personality of the character. I would recommend that the author use more descriptions for his story, and also pick a strong personality for the character.
FINAL VERDICT
Grammar: 10/10-No mistakes
Fluency: 5/10-Could use a lot of work
Character Development: 6/10- The character needs work
Dialogue to description balance: 7/10-Not too much dialogue but not enough description, either
Total: 7/10
This story is about a young boy named Lozen, who embarks on a beyblading journey both as a blader and a beyblade mechanic. In the first chapter, he has to pass a test at a beyblade center in order to receive the rank of a bey Ordinator. The author describes this rank as "Being a master". Although the story is not overrun with dialogue, it is very choppy and confusing at times. Also, there is not much description and I could not get a feel for the personality of the character. I would recommend that the author use more descriptions for his story, and also pick a strong personality for the character.
FINAL VERDICT
Grammar: 10/10-No mistakes
Fluency: 5/10-Could use a lot of work
Character Development: 6/10- The character needs work
Dialogue to description balance: 7/10-Not too much dialogue but not enough description, either
Total: 7/10
Spoiler (Click to View)
Crisis! By Temporal
This story is a non beyblade story about a boy named Node Itoa, and his adventures as a TCG player. TCG, as the author described, is 'an action card game where you call Units to inflict damage onto your adversary'. In the story, Node not only wins, but loses as well. This helps the story become more realistic. In addition, the author uses a fair balance of description, dialogue, and transitions. However, the story lacks a solid amount of description, and the spelling could use some work. Furthermore, the character is coming along well, but is still not very clear. The fluency of the story, however, is very well done. My suggestion is to add a lot of descriptions for the characters and settings, as well as fix some spelling errors and clean up the paragraphs (For example, indenting lines when inserting dialogue).
Grammar+Spelling: 8/10- Some minor errors
Fluency: 10/10-Perfectly done
Character development: 7/10-Still needs work
Dialogue to description balance: 8/10-Could use more description, but still solid
Total: 8.25/10
This story is a non beyblade story about a boy named Node Itoa, and his adventures as a TCG player. TCG, as the author described, is 'an action card game where you call Units to inflict damage onto your adversary'. In the story, Node not only wins, but loses as well. This helps the story become more realistic. In addition, the author uses a fair balance of description, dialogue, and transitions. However, the story lacks a solid amount of description, and the spelling could use some work. Furthermore, the character is coming along well, but is still not very clear. The fluency of the story, however, is very well done. My suggestion is to add a lot of descriptions for the characters and settings, as well as fix some spelling errors and clean up the paragraphs (For example, indenting lines when inserting dialogue).
Grammar+Spelling: 8/10- Some minor errors
Fluency: 10/10-Perfectly done
Character development: 7/10-Still needs work
Dialogue to description balance: 8/10-Could use more description, but still solid
Total: 8.25/10
DEX's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Sorceror
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Sorceror By Aura
Well, This story is well made. It was a story of a boy who never knew he was special, correct? It was planned neat and nicely. But for some instances, It felt to rush. You see, when you were describing the boy, You just skipped other parts and added how the orphanage looked like, and both lack details. "Modo" is a boy, correct? what does he exactly looks like? Is he skinny or fat? muscular or wimpy? This are vital for the main character, so many will understand who he really is. And lastly, there isn't much conversation, Try to add that, OK?
Final Verdict
Grammar: 10/10 (I never saw any grammatical error)
Flow: 7/10 (As I said, It felt to rush)
Character Himself/Herself/Themselves: 8/10 (Modo wasn't described properly)
Dialogue: 6/10 (Little dialogue, but I understand you are going for the descriptive approach)
Overall:
9/10
Well, This story is well made. It was a story of a boy who never knew he was special, correct? It was planned neat and nicely. But for some instances, It felt to rush. You see, when you were describing the boy, You just skipped other parts and added how the orphanage looked like, and both lack details. "Modo" is a boy, correct? what does he exactly looks like? Is he skinny or fat? muscular or wimpy? This are vital for the main character, so many will understand who he really is. And lastly, there isn't much conversation, Try to add that, OK?
Final Verdict
Grammar: 10/10 (I never saw any grammatical error)
Flow: 7/10 (As I said, It felt to rush)
Character Himself/Herself/Themselves: 8/10 (Modo wasn't described properly)
Dialogue: 6/10 (Little dialogue, but I understand you are going for the descriptive approach)
Overall:
9/10
SDAMONCRONOUS's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
The New Dawn
Bus Stops
Spoiler (Click to View)
The New Dawn By Bunnii2165
This is the tale of a single orphan boy in an apocalyptic time. The story starts out with immediate excitement that grabs the readers attention, waking up panting from a nightmare. This story is really well written, not overly descriptive to the point it explains itself to you in every little detail, but not so in-discriptive that you have of clue as to what is going on. It leaves enough to the imagination so you feel part of the story, and that really helps with being able to read to the end of the story. The battle scenes are detailed enough to understand, but could be elaborated on so the reader really gets a feel for what is happening. The chapters are relatively short and to the point, again adding to the 'easy-to-read' aspect of the story. I love the chapter titles, they steer away from the classic and frankly boring 'Chapter 1, Chapter 2'. The plot seems to be complex enough to keep the reader, well, reading. The only criticism is that the story needs a bit of touching up. A few grammatical and punctual errors but everyone makes them, and maybe the order of which the events come into play (you will know what I mean when you read this story). All in all, a fantastic novel by one of the best writers on the WBO.
Final Verdict:
Plot: 8.5/10 - Great
Readability: 9.5/10 - Excellent
Punctuation and Grammar: 9/10 - Excellent
Uniqueness: 8/10 - Great
Total: 8.75/10 - Great!
This is the tale of a single orphan boy in an apocalyptic time. The story starts out with immediate excitement that grabs the readers attention, waking up panting from a nightmare. This story is really well written, not overly descriptive to the point it explains itself to you in every little detail, but not so in-discriptive that you have of clue as to what is going on. It leaves enough to the imagination so you feel part of the story, and that really helps with being able to read to the end of the story. The battle scenes are detailed enough to understand, but could be elaborated on so the reader really gets a feel for what is happening. The chapters are relatively short and to the point, again adding to the 'easy-to-read' aspect of the story. I love the chapter titles, they steer away from the classic and frankly boring 'Chapter 1, Chapter 2'. The plot seems to be complex enough to keep the reader, well, reading. The only criticism is that the story needs a bit of touching up. A few grammatical and punctual errors but everyone makes them, and maybe the order of which the events come into play (you will know what I mean when you read this story). All in all, a fantastic novel by one of the best writers on the WBO.
Final Verdict:
Plot: 8.5/10 - Great
Readability: 9.5/10 - Excellent
Punctuation and Grammar: 9/10 - Excellent
Uniqueness: 8/10 - Great
Total: 8.75/10 - Great!
Spoiler (Click to View)
Bus Stops By Sparta
The title of this story has nearly nothing to do with the story itself, only the prologue even mentions the bus stop and no bus stops seem to contribute to the story on a whole. So those of you who have something against bus stops, you can just skip the prologue if you want. This story is one of the countless stories that Sparta has written here on the WBO, and it lacks no personality and the quality of the other ones. The Bus Stop begins at a bus stop and features a man who appears to be from an alternate dimension called 'Terra-Nova', which is a darn cool name if you ask me. Sparta has managed to do the very thing that makes fantasy writing very hard, he/she has made the story interesting and well written to the point that you can clearly understand what is going on with the characters, setting and the plot. Because fantasy novels generally relate little to real life, the need to be very well written and organised so that the reader knows what is going on, and Bus Stop provides that. A clear, interesting picture that mirrors the story perfectly. The spelling and grammar in this story are almost impeccable, with very little errors of both. My only criticism of this story is, well, nothing. This story is nearly perfect. The fight scenes are understandable and the story is acctually relate able in some parts, so here is my final verdict:
Final Verdict:
Plot: 9/10 - Excellent!
Readability: 10/10 - Perfect!
Punctuation and Grammar: 10/10 - Perfect!
Uniqueness: 9/10 - Excellent!
Total: 9.5/10 - Carp Good!
The title of this story has nearly nothing to do with the story itself, only the prologue even mentions the bus stop and no bus stops seem to contribute to the story on a whole. So those of you who have something against bus stops, you can just skip the prologue if you want. This story is one of the countless stories that Sparta has written here on the WBO, and it lacks no personality and the quality of the other ones. The Bus Stop begins at a bus stop and features a man who appears to be from an alternate dimension called 'Terra-Nova', which is a darn cool name if you ask me. Sparta has managed to do the very thing that makes fantasy writing very hard, he/she has made the story interesting and well written to the point that you can clearly understand what is going on with the characters, setting and the plot. Because fantasy novels generally relate little to real life, the need to be very well written and organised so that the reader knows what is going on, and Bus Stop provides that. A clear, interesting picture that mirrors the story perfectly. The spelling and grammar in this story are almost impeccable, with very little errors of both. My only criticism of this story is, well, nothing. This story is nearly perfect. The fight scenes are understandable and the story is acctually relate able in some parts, so here is my final verdict:
Final Verdict:
Plot: 9/10 - Excellent!
Readability: 10/10 - Perfect!
Punctuation and Grammar: 10/10 - Perfect!
Uniqueness: 9/10 - Excellent!
Total: 9.5/10 - Carp Good!
SONICSORA123's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
Runaways
The Writers Hanbook
Spoiler (Click to View)
Runaways By Bunnii2165
It's a great story, although not a beystory. I know the paragraph above seems perfect, but overuse of speech makes this story pass way too quickly. Grammatical mistakes are common and this can destroy the flow of the story. On the other hand Bunnii uses humor to help understand the characters emotions. This is an amazing skill and his jokes help the reader to understand the people more. The storyline is amazing too. A really imaginative story.
It's not perfect but definitely above average.
Score: 7/10 sonicsora123
Millions of insects zipped around in the 40 degree heat, Bruce and Jerry Evans had quit trying to swat them and concentrated on running. You see Bruce and Jerry weren’t just kids; but runaways. They had to leave their family and all they had behind, all the brothers had now were each other and if one should die or get lost, the other could be taken easily.
It's a great story, although not a beystory. I know the paragraph above seems perfect, but overuse of speech makes this story pass way too quickly. Grammatical mistakes are common and this can destroy the flow of the story. On the other hand Bunnii uses humor to help understand the characters emotions. This is an amazing skill and his jokes help the reader to understand the people more. The storyline is amazing too. A really imaginative story.
It's not perfect but definitely above average.
Score: 7/10 sonicsora123
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Writers Handbook By Bunnii2165
Bunnii2165 has recently written a very helpful thread and I'm sure all you enthusiastic writers have seen it. The Writer's Handbook is a must read for all new writers on the WBO. It has everything you would need to know about writing a story here. As well as a list of rules for writers it also includes a section on how to use grammar, definitions of important words in writing, advice for the new writers and even name suggestions. And just to top it a part about curing writer's block. The only bad part is experienced writers probably know all of this already. Nevertheless it's still helpful.
Score: 9/10
Bunnii2165 has recently written a very helpful thread and I'm sure all you enthusiastic writers have seen it. The Writer's Handbook is a must read for all new writers on the WBO. It has everything you would need to know about writing a story here. As well as a list of rules for writers it also includes a section on how to use grammar, definitions of important words in writing, advice for the new writers and even name suggestions. And just to top it a part about curing writer's block. The only bad part is experienced writers probably know all of this already. Nevertheless it's still helpful.
Score: 9/10
TEMPORAL's Reviews
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Creator
The Era Beast
Redemption
The Big Bang Organization Tournament
The Darkness Within Consumes
Spoiler (Click to View)
Iakou- The Creator Review.
"It's finally finished" Iakou said looking down at several pages of detailed plans. "My bey, now if it wins the beyblade creator contest, i'll finally have a beyblade of my own." he ran out of his dads shop and out to the local post office. He sealed the envelope and sent it out in the mail. "Finally, i might just get my own bey" he thought to himself.
The idea behind this story is okay, and can be good at times. Key words there. At. Times. All stories have slow moments, but the whole third chapter is a wall of text. There are some early golden moments, but even those are plagued by mediocre originality. I commend Iakou on the use of different constellations, but in this case, it helps little. To make things worse, every chapter is a giant BRICK of text that is impossible to read without losing interest. Separation is key. I’d have more interest if the chapters had paragraphs. Besides this, there are many capitalization issues, grammar issues, and a gang of missing quotation marks and commas. Besides this, the plot gets thin after a while, and the descriptions are very miniscule, and are hardly worth it. Most sentences don’t fit, and the overall execution isn’t so hot. Some of the names are very original, but others look…forced, to say the least. The battles are relatively bland, and in all, confusing. There really isn’t much to separate the chapters, though they still don’t transition well together. This story’s saving grace is a pretty thin and paltry one. Half of the stories on the WBO are worse. I can see a little bit of potential, but it is quickly fading as the problems spiral into bigger ones. It can be fixed, it’ll just take a LOT of work. Overall, mediocre.
Temporal's score: 3/10
"It's finally finished" Iakou said looking down at several pages of detailed plans. "My bey, now if it wins the beyblade creator contest, i'll finally have a beyblade of my own." he ran out of his dads shop and out to the local post office. He sealed the envelope and sent it out in the mail. "Finally, i might just get my own bey" he thought to himself.
The idea behind this story is okay, and can be good at times. Key words there. At. Times. All stories have slow moments, but the whole third chapter is a wall of text. There are some early golden moments, but even those are plagued by mediocre originality. I commend Iakou on the use of different constellations, but in this case, it helps little. To make things worse, every chapter is a giant BRICK of text that is impossible to read without losing interest. Separation is key. I’d have more interest if the chapters had paragraphs. Besides this, there are many capitalization issues, grammar issues, and a gang of missing quotation marks and commas. Besides this, the plot gets thin after a while, and the descriptions are very miniscule, and are hardly worth it. Most sentences don’t fit, and the overall execution isn’t so hot. Some of the names are very original, but others look…forced, to say the least. The battles are relatively bland, and in all, confusing. There really isn’t much to separate the chapters, though they still don’t transition well together. This story’s saving grace is a pretty thin and paltry one. Half of the stories on the WBO are worse. I can see a little bit of potential, but it is quickly fading as the problems spiral into bigger ones. It can be fixed, it’ll just take a LOT of work. Overall, mediocre.
Temporal's score: 3/10
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Era Beast By Taiwo Seigi
"I was in a field, all alone. Flowers grew in abundance as though they were weeds. They were different shades of red, blue, and orange. Then they all start to dull. I look around to see what was going on. I only saw a stranger coming from the right of me. He wore a tarnished cape that had a hood on it. He frighted me. He kept coming closer until he stood only 3 feet from me. And then a Beystadium appeared from nowhere. I pulled out my Beygear and my Earth Bull 100 WD. He pulled out some mysterious bey. We let it rip an then 'BOOM!' My Earth Bull was knocked out of the stadium with one hit. I picked it up and looked at the face. The once tattooed face of the Bull is no more. All that was there was a scratched red face. I woke up and then realized that this could mean something. Something that was bigger than me. This could mean the end of BeyBeast."
I can get a decent feel for this story. As far as first chapters go, this is damn good. Honestly, I have few complaints. The story is well explained, and the description is amazing. There are few grammar issues, and the flow is NICE. One of the better stories overall. I have only two complaints: The main character doesn't exactly make the reader want to figure out what this BeyBeast thing is much, and WHY THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN MENTION THE LAKERS!?
As a impartial reviewer, I give this a 8/10.
Now, if I were allowed to use my personal bias?
Just kiddin'. It's an amazing story.
"I was in a field, all alone. Flowers grew in abundance as though they were weeds. They were different shades of red, blue, and orange. Then they all start to dull. I look around to see what was going on. I only saw a stranger coming from the right of me. He wore a tarnished cape that had a hood on it. He frighted me. He kept coming closer until he stood only 3 feet from me. And then a Beystadium appeared from nowhere. I pulled out my Beygear and my Earth Bull 100 WD. He pulled out some mysterious bey. We let it rip an then 'BOOM!' My Earth Bull was knocked out of the stadium with one hit. I picked it up and looked at the face. The once tattooed face of the Bull is no more. All that was there was a scratched red face. I woke up and then realized that this could mean something. Something that was bigger than me. This could mean the end of BeyBeast."
I can get a decent feel for this story. As far as first chapters go, this is damn good. Honestly, I have few complaints. The story is well explained, and the description is amazing. There are few grammar issues, and the flow is NICE. One of the better stories overall. I have only two complaints: The main character doesn't exactly make the reader want to figure out what this BeyBeast thing is much, and WHY THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN MENTION THE LAKERS!?
As a impartial reviewer, I give this a 8/10.
Now, if I were allowed to use my personal bias?
Spoiler (Click to View)
0/10. I HATE THE LAKERS!
Spoiler (Click to View)
Redemption By ?
My name is Kyo Hayashi. I have the perfect life: money, friends, good looks; everything. I want something, I'll get it. But, it isn't all cake and flowers, oh no. My parents do things to get these things- illegal things. I wanted a beyblade, I got it. Now I can only wonder who's heart or dreams they crushed to get it. But, some people don't look that far. They only see the money and fame, not the horrible things happening. Then, there are some people that do. People that think my family is twisted, people who seek vengeance for what my parents have done.
This story is what I like to call a "middler". It's average the whole way through except for some key parts, where it flashes potential to be great. It looks like it's been dumped, but I have to ask: Why? It had some potential, which is SO hard to come by these days. I read the whole thing, and I found no spelling errors. However, many words didn't fit, as if the writer didn't fully understand the connotation (implied meaning) of the words. While this is a turn-off, I still see some good things. the flow is good, the pretense is awesome, and it would cease to be a middler if the main character would get his butt handed to him in a pivotal moment. The "epic miss" part kinda felt forced, but overall, damn good. I've got to complain, though. What's up with this forum and caharcter requests. You can live without 'em, and if someone wants to be in, let them PM you, like The Fire Wyrm did when I was writing my old beystory. Become more self-sufficient on that note, and again, the story will improve. The last post is a great example of this. Put your foot down, man. Say "NO MORE CHARACTER REQUESTS!". Otherwise, my complaints are done. I rate this story...
7/10. A middler through and through.
My name is Kyo Hayashi. I have the perfect life: money, friends, good looks; everything. I want something, I'll get it. But, it isn't all cake and flowers, oh no. My parents do things to get these things- illegal things. I wanted a beyblade, I got it. Now I can only wonder who's heart or dreams they crushed to get it. But, some people don't look that far. They only see the money and fame, not the horrible things happening. Then, there are some people that do. People that think my family is twisted, people who seek vengeance for what my parents have done.
This story is what I like to call a "middler". It's average the whole way through except for some key parts, where it flashes potential to be great. It looks like it's been dumped, but I have to ask: Why? It had some potential, which is SO hard to come by these days. I read the whole thing, and I found no spelling errors. However, many words didn't fit, as if the writer didn't fully understand the connotation (implied meaning) of the words. While this is a turn-off, I still see some good things. the flow is good, the pretense is awesome, and it would cease to be a middler if the main character would get his butt handed to him in a pivotal moment. The "epic miss" part kinda felt forced, but overall, damn good. I've got to complain, though. What's up with this forum and caharcter requests. You can live without 'em, and if someone wants to be in, let them PM you, like The Fire Wyrm did when I was writing my old beystory. Become more self-sufficient on that note, and again, the story will improve. The last post is a great example of this. Put your foot down, man. Say "NO MORE CHARACTER REQUESTS!". Otherwise, my complaints are done. I rate this story...
7/10. A middler through and through.
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Big Bang Organization Tournament By Janstarblast
Hrm... I can see this one pretty well. When I look at it...I see a cinderblock. Again, as I've said so many times, Janstarblast has to separate his paragraphs. He does spin a decent tale, I'll give him this, but he seems to have deviated from the norm. He states that he will use more well-known names, but he ends up using names like Ginta, Izuma, and Yurki. This is likely because of the use of member-made OCs. Ask people to PM them to you, otherwise it clogs up the story. Let me get this straight now. I do not like Character Requests. Never liked to do them extensively, as it takes away from the storytelling. It's the writer's job to come up with a plot. Otherwise, it is just a bad RPG. Janstarblast could make the main character seem a bit more fallible, too. I have few complaints on spelling, though the run-on sentences could use work. If a period seems forced, use a semi-colon. Like this!
Ginta let loose a distinct roar; victory was not far from his sight.
Get it? Of course, this is simply a suggestion. Otherwise, the story is pretty good. I say above average, though just barely.
Temporal's Final Score! 6.75/10. Could use some work, but its on its way!
Hrm... I can see this one pretty well. When I look at it...I see a cinderblock. Again, as I've said so many times, Janstarblast has to separate his paragraphs. He does spin a decent tale, I'll give him this, but he seems to have deviated from the norm. He states that he will use more well-known names, but he ends up using names like Ginta, Izuma, and Yurki. This is likely because of the use of member-made OCs. Ask people to PM them to you, otherwise it clogs up the story. Let me get this straight now. I do not like Character Requests. Never liked to do them extensively, as it takes away from the storytelling. It's the writer's job to come up with a plot. Otherwise, it is just a bad RPG. Janstarblast could make the main character seem a bit more fallible, too. I have few complaints on spelling, though the run-on sentences could use work. If a period seems forced, use a semi-colon. Like this!
Ginta let loose a distinct roar; victory was not far from his sight.
Get it? Of course, this is simply a suggestion. Otherwise, the story is pretty good. I say above average, though just barely.
Temporal's Final Score! 6.75/10. Could use some work, but its on its way!
Spoiler (Click to View)
The Darkness Within Consumes By ???
I had no idea what happened. All I know was that I heard paramedics, and both me and the other guy was laid out on the floor. Everything was fuzzy. A red fuzz. Was that blood? I touched my head. It was..I strained my mind to remember…but it hurt too much. Wailing voices screamed in my head everytime I tried to think. Tears strolled down my eyes. I felt like I was dying. Slowly, slowly, piece by piece. Life faded away…"
Who needs to quote the biginning? The end of chapter one says it all!
This. Is. Awesome. By FAR, one of the best beystories here. (As if there's much real competition...) The grammar is impeccable, I see NO spelling errors. Not. One. The flow could use some work, but many stories start off choppy. (Go read the first book of Harry Potter. You'll see what I mean) The pretense, the very IDEA of this story made me look twice. Hell, I cut off my "The World God Only Knows" video so I could re-read it faster, and that's not common. I've recently been VERY blunt on what I think about stories, and normally, people get offended. Well, I'll be blunt again. This is better that literally 90% of the stories out there right now. By FAR. Frankly, there isn't much to say, you need to read it yourself.
Temporal's score: 9.5/10 Amazing. A-Ma-Zing.
I had no idea what happened. All I know was that I heard paramedics, and both me and the other guy was laid out on the floor. Everything was fuzzy. A red fuzz. Was that blood? I touched my head. It was..I strained my mind to remember…but it hurt too much. Wailing voices screamed in my head everytime I tried to think. Tears strolled down my eyes. I felt like I was dying. Slowly, slowly, piece by piece. Life faded away…"
Who needs to quote the biginning? The end of chapter one says it all!
This. Is. Awesome. By FAR, one of the best beystories here. (As if there's much real competition...) The grammar is impeccable, I see NO spelling errors. Not. One. The flow could use some work, but many stories start off choppy. (Go read the first book of Harry Potter. You'll see what I mean) The pretense, the very IDEA of this story made me look twice. Hell, I cut off my "The World God Only Knows" video so I could re-read it faster, and that's not common. I've recently been VERY blunt on what I think about stories, and normally, people get offended. Well, I'll be blunt again. This is better that literally 90% of the stories out there right now. By FAR. Frankly, there isn't much to say, you need to read it yourself.
Temporal's score: 9.5/10 Amazing. A-Ma-Zing.
Spoiler (Click to View)
Oy! Don't you EVER make me turn off my anime again!
ANNOUNCEMENTS
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SPECIAL THANKS
Firstly, i'd like to thank my reviewers and the WBO members who gave me stories. I remember when no one would bother with this thread and now its gone so far.
Secondly, i'd like to thank all the great and not so great stories for they made this thread happen.
Thirdly, I'd like to say thanks to SDC for replacing the temporary banner i had made with the new awesome one!
Thank You!
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