(Apr. 13, 2021 5:32 PM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:(Apr. 13, 2021 5:07 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst
Solid (snake) chapter. Battles are well fleshed and thought out.
Best chapter yet imo
[Fan Fiction] Story Of Lane's Sister: Athena (BBB OC Story) (Completed Until Further Notice)
Best chapter yet imo
![[Image: giphy.gif]](https://media.giphy.com/media/tOUKt6obtJJtZmXHFD/giphy.gif)
(Apr. 13, 2021 5:07 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst
I only have one word: Awesome!
I love the interactions here, and finally Athena beats Lui! Poor Sisco gets rekt (it's literally a curse at this point- wait I made a pun dangit) and Abyss Diabolos springs into action. This is one of your best chapters as of yet, can't wait to see what'll happen next!
(Apr. 10, 2021 11:58 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 29 aka sorta filler (you do get to see Athenas mom briefly though)
https://www.wattpad.com/1053218459-story...lade-burst
OOOO you put Elaina in the story! I'll be drawing her real quick and might also write her relationship with Athena and Lane. I was late to read the chapter so I'm late to notice how you've put Elaina in the story haha
![[Image: 134.png]](https://www.serebii.net/pokedex-swsh/icon/134.png){kind=icon}
(Apr. 13, 2021 6:28 PM)PinkRose Wrote:(Apr. 13, 2021 5:07 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst
I only have one word: Awesome!
I love the interactions here, and finally Athena beats Lui! Poor Sisco gets rekt (it's literally a curse at this point- wait I made a pun dangit) and Abyss Diabolos springs into action. This is one of your nest chapters as of yet, can't wait to see what'll happen next!
Thanks!
Fun Fact: Sisco was originally going to win but that would mean he would fight Athena in the second round and uuhhh lets just say he wouldnt last long.
![[Image: im-coming-for-you-ghostface.gif]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxDQrdSs/im-coming-for-you-ghostface.gif)
(Apr. 17, 2021 7:01 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 31
https://www.wattpad.com/1056060281-story...lade-burst
DELTA NOOOOOOOOOO-
It's Rainbow Turbo time, bois! Yet another thing canon should've expanded on, I'm still disappointed they treated older forms of Resonance as basically nonexistent...
Also, that moment in the end was wholesome af and I love it. And how Elaina basically did a minor plot dump with Lane at the start of the chapter.
So full rating would be:
Plot: 4.5/5. We're steadily moving forward with small bits of info sprinkled here and there and it's pretty good.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. I'll admit I wanted to see that bit of dialogue between Valt and Drum, but I understand that you don't wanna write filler so it's all good. Plus Elaina's dialogue more than makes up for it and the chapter flows fairly well.
Characterization: 4.5/5. It's all good, really good (even tho I would've liked a bit of dialogue between Shu and Gwynn since they didn't really interact before, you know, just a couple lines before/after the match or something), and I adore your portrayal of Drum (seriously, this bean deserves all the love) and everyone else is good too.
Grammar: 5/5. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see any issues with this at all.
Battles: 5/5. The battles are pretty nice, not too short but not too long, and is an interesting back and forth. I like how the two battles are parallel in their result too, and definitely looking forward to the Valt VS Shu that will follow not too far from now. Also for some reason I tried picturing Utopia Cluster and it was rly pretty so bonus points for that.
Overall: 23.5/25. Pretty great job, this is one of your best chapters yet. Curious to see what will happen next (and secretly hoping Aiga doesn't get trashed lol)
Also, that moment in the end was wholesome af and I love it. And how Elaina basically did a minor plot dump with Lane at the start of the chapter.
So full rating would be:
Plot: 4.5/5. We're steadily moving forward with small bits of info sprinkled here and there and it's pretty good.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. I'll admit I wanted to see that bit of dialogue between Valt and Drum, but I understand that you don't wanna write filler so it's all good. Plus Elaina's dialogue more than makes up for it and the chapter flows fairly well.
Characterization: 4.5/5. It's all good, really good (even tho I would've liked a bit of dialogue between Shu and Gwynn since they didn't really interact before, you know, just a couple lines before/after the match or something), and I adore your portrayal of Drum (seriously, this bean deserves all the love) and everyone else is good too.
Grammar: 5/5. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see any issues with this at all.
Battles: 5/5. The battles are pretty nice, not too short but not too long, and is an interesting back and forth. I like how the two battles are parallel in their result too, and definitely looking forward to the Valt VS Shu that will follow not too far from now. Also for some reason I tried picturing Utopia Cluster and it was rly pretty so bonus points for that.
Overall: 23.5/25. Pretty great job, this is one of your best chapters yet. Curious to see what will happen next (and secretly hoping Aiga doesn't get trashed lol)
Completely agree
(Apr. 21, 2021 8:56 AM)PinkRose Wrote: It's Rainbow Turbo time, bois! Yet another thing canon should've expanded on, I'm still disappointed they treated older forms of Resonance as basically nonexistent...
Also, that moment in the end was wholesome af and I love it. And how Elaina basically did a minor plot dump with Lane at the start of the chapter.
So full rating would be:
Plot: 4.5/5. We're steadily moving forward with small bits of info sprinkled here and there and it's pretty good.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. I'll admit I wanted to see that bit of dialogue between Valt and Drum, but I understand that you don't wanna write filler so it's all good. Plus Elaina's dialogue more than makes up for it and the chapter flows fairly well.
Characterization: 4.5/5. It's all good, really good (even tho I would've liked a bit of dialogue between Shu and Gwynn since they didn't really interact before, you know, just a couple lines before/after the match or something), and I adore your portrayal of Drum (seriously, this bean deserves all the love) and everyone else is good too.
Grammar: 5/5. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see any issues with this at all.
Battles: 5/5. The battles are pretty nice, not too short but not too long, and is an interesting back and forth. I like how the two battles are parallel in their result too, and definitely looking forward to the Valt VS Shu that will follow not too far from now. Also for some reason I tried picturing Utopia Cluster and it was rly pretty so bonus points for that.
Overall: 23.5/25. Pretty great job, this is one of your best chapters yet. Curious to see what will happen next (and secretly hoping Aiga doesn't get trashed lol)
Please do the same thing with my fan fics
I'll try in the future, sure.
(Apr. 21, 2021 8:56 AM)PinkRose Wrote: It's Rainbow Turbo time, bois! Yet another thing canon should've expanded on, I'm still disappointed they treated older forms of Resonance as basically nonexistent...
Also, that moment in the end was wholesome af and I love it. And how Elaina basically did a minor plot dump with Lane at the start of the chapter.
So full rating would be:
Plot: 4.5/5. We're steadily moving forward with small bits of info sprinkled here and there and it's pretty good.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. I'll admit I wanted to see that bit of dialogue between Valt and Drum, but I understand that you don't wanna write filler so it's all good. Plus Elaina's dialogue more than makes up for it and the chapter flows fairly well.
Characterization: 4.5/5. It's all good, really good (even tho I would've liked a bit of dialogue between Shu and Gwynn since they didn't really interact before, you know, just a couple lines before/after the match or something), and I adore your portrayal of Drum (seriously, this bean deserves all the love) and everyone else is good too.
Grammar: 5/5. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see any issues with this at all.
Battles: 5/5. The battles are pretty nice, not too short but not too long, and is an interesting back and forth. I like how the two battles are parallel in their result too, and definitely looking forward to the Valt VS Shu that will follow not too far from now. Also for some reason I tried picturing Utopia Cluster and it was rly pretty so bonus points for that.
Overall: 23.5/25. Pretty great job, this is one of your best chapters yet. Curious to see what will happen next (and secretly hoping Aiga doesn't get trashed lol)
The ending was my favorite part to write imo. The true intention of this moment was to add more of a motherly image to Elaina and also to show that Athena really loves her mother and wants her support to carry on and to give her the courage to fight. This will show more clearly in future chapters.
btw PinkRose can you rate what ive currently written?
(Apr. 22, 2021 8:56 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:
btw PinkRose can you rate what ive currently written?
You mean the whole story?
(Apr. 23, 2021 1:35 AM)PinkRose Wrote:(Apr. 22, 2021 8:56 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:
btw PinkRose can you rate what ive currently written?
You mean the whole story?
yes. Prologue - C32
(Apr. 23, 2021 1:37 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:(Apr. 23, 2021 1:35 AM)PinkRose Wrote: You mean the whole story?
yes. Prologue - C32
I'll see what I can do, it might take some time tho as I think I missed a couple chapters or don't remember the events. The rating won't go over each chapter in detail obviously, but I'll try to explain each rating in as much detail as possible.
(Apr. 21, 2021 3:45 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 32
https://www.wattpad.com/1057650057-story...lade-burst
I may have commented on wp BUT!!!
you written Elaina really beautifully,,,,like,,it's heckin accurate...thank you,,,
I'm so close to bursting that ending is just a bomb of wholesome daughter - mom interaction and Elaina is really, really accurately written ;;w;;
also did I ever mention (probably never lol) how I used to plan that Elaina has a villainous motive and is the one who made Lane a monster lmao. good thing I changed that idea or else Athena won't get a wholesome mother 'w'
Wow, Athena got friendzoned for the second time in a row. Dang.
(Apr. 28, 2021 7:37 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 33
https://www.wattpad.com/1059202413-story...lade-burst
8.2/10. Good.
Spambot, no-one clicks the link.
I feel sad because at least 50% of these bots are from my country ;_;
![[Image: full-metal-alchemist-edward-elric.gif]](https://i.postimg.cc/CLghV9xr/full-metal-alchemist-edward-elric.gif)
new chapter has been renamed to "Legendary Battle! Valt VS Shu!!"
Episode 35 will be titled "Full-Force Bonds! Semi-Finals!"
Episode 36 will be titled "Explosive Victory! Advance To The Finals!"
also
New Ver. Of Adeona Heaven/Royal
Adeona2 Chip - same as Adeona one but side facing
Heaven Ring - has 6 contact points and 2 Blades. When Limit Break activates, the 2 blades expand, the blades then becomes spring loaded like God Valkyrie.
Royal Ring - has 6 contact points and a top ring that has 6 blades. When Limit Break activates, the top ring spins 180°, the ring then becomes spring loaded. this allows Adeona to absorb attacks
Ou Disk (Activates Limit Break on 2 clicks)
Charge Metal' Driver
User: Athena Valhalla
Moves: Limit Break: Heaven, Limit Break: Royal, Bound Heaven, Royal Burst, Ultimate Impact
Episode 35 will be titled "Full-Force Bonds! Semi-Finals!"
Episode 36 will be titled "Explosive Victory! Advance To The Finals!"
also
New Ver. Of Adeona Heaven/Royal
Adeona2 Chip - same as Adeona one but side facing
Heaven Ring - has 6 contact points and 2 Blades. When Limit Break activates, the 2 blades expand, the blades then becomes spring loaded like God Valkyrie.
Royal Ring - has 6 contact points and a top ring that has 6 blades. When Limit Break activates, the top ring spins 180°, the ring then becomes spring loaded. this allows Adeona to absorb attacks
Ou Disk (Activates Limit Break on 2 clicks)
Charge Metal' Driver
User: Athena Valhalla
Moves: Limit Break: Heaven, Limit Break: Royal, Bound Heaven, Royal Burst, Ultimate Impact
DeltaZakuro, I know this is like, a week late or something, but I finally have the time to review the fic. Like I said, I won't be too detailed but this gives a general idea of my opinion on it as a whole.
Plot: 3.5/5. The plot is fairly well-done (especially compared to other fics I've read *cringes*), and while some plot points seem slightly rushed (like the Project: Shadow one which was just a couple scenes without much detail, and Athena's corrupted Flare which we got no real explanation for yet) it's overall decent, at least decent enough to make me interested in following the story.
Dialogue: 3.5/5. It's cool for the most part, even if it sometimes feels a bit unrealistic or bland.
Characterization: 4/5. Aside from some ooc-ness here and there (most notably with Lane and Shu, or maybe it's just me) the characterization is very good. From what I can see, the more positive characters seem to be your strongest suit (Drum, Valt, etc.), and yet you still do well with other types of personalities.
Grammar: 4.5/5. There's the occasional error here and there, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of the chapters and I sometimes don't even notice that so yeah, it's fine.
Battles: 4/5. Some battles lack in description and detail, some are rather boring, some are above average, and some are pure hype. This one's a bit of a mixed bag, but it's leaning more towards the positive side and I like how you write them in general, hence the higher rating.
Final Rating: 19.5/25. Even if it has some flaws, it's definitely one of the best fics I've read during my time here and it still has potential to get better. I admire your motivation and the effort you're putting into this, so keep it up!
Plot: 3.5/5. The plot is fairly well-done (especially compared to other fics I've read *cringes*), and while some plot points seem slightly rushed (like the Project: Shadow one which was just a couple scenes without much detail, and Athena's corrupted Flare which we got no real explanation for yet) it's overall decent, at least decent enough to make me interested in following the story.
Dialogue: 3.5/5. It's cool for the most part, even if it sometimes feels a bit unrealistic or bland.
Characterization: 4/5. Aside from some ooc-ness here and there (most notably with Lane and Shu, or maybe it's just me) the characterization is very good. From what I can see, the more positive characters seem to be your strongest suit (Drum, Valt, etc.), and yet you still do well with other types of personalities.
Grammar: 4.5/5. There's the occasional error here and there, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of the chapters and I sometimes don't even notice that so yeah, it's fine.
Battles: 4/5. Some battles lack in description and detail, some are rather boring, some are above average, and some are pure hype. This one's a bit of a mixed bag, but it's leaning more towards the positive side and I like how you write them in general, hence the higher rating.
Final Rating: 19.5/25. Even if it has some flaws, it's definitely one of the best fics I've read during my time here and it still has potential to get better. I admire your motivation and the effort you're putting into this, so keep it up!
(Apr. 30, 2021 3:59 PM)PinkRose Wrote: DeltaZakuro, I know this is like, a week late or something, but I finally have the time to review the fic. Like I said, I won't be too detailed but this gives a general idea of my opinion on it as a whole.
Plot: 3.5/5. The plot is fairly well-done (especially compared to other fics I've read *cringes*), and while some plot points seem slightly rushed (like the Project: Shadow one which was just a couple scenes without much detail, and Athena's corrupted Flare which we got no real explanation for yet) it's overall decent, at least decent enough to make me interested in following the story.
Dialogue: 3.5/5. It's cool for the most part, even if it sometimes feels a bit unrealistic or bland.
Characterization: 4/5. Aside from some ooc-ness here and there (most notably with Lane and Shu, or maybe it's just me) the characterization is very good. From what I can see, the more positive characters seem to be your strongest suit (Drum, Valt, etc.), and yet you still do well with other types of personalities.
Grammar: 4.5/5. There's the occasional error here and there, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of the chapters and I sometimes don't even notice that so yeah, it's fine.
Battles: 4/5. Some battles lack in description and detail, some are rather boring, some are above average, and some are pure hype. This one's a bit of a mixed bag, but it's leaning more towards the positive side and I like how you write them in general, hence the higher rating.
Final Rating: 19.5/25. Even if it has some flaws, it's definitely one of the best fics I've read during my time here and it still has potential to get better. I admire your motivation and the effort you're putting into this, so keep it up!
Understandable, Project: Shadow hasn't been forgotten about and it will factor in heavily in S2. And Athenas dark flare was essentially caused by Lane and will be referenced a lot after the League arc.
Definitely trying to make more interesting and fun battles.