(Oct. 01, 2020  4:24 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: I guess since Athena is the main character of this story, here is some info about her

Spoiler (Click to View)

Name - Athena Valhalla

Athena is the little sister of Lane, after seeing his flare grow she starts to get worried and makes a Sparking Bey of her own. She is also trained by Shu Kurenai.

Gender: Female

Age: 10

Bey: Guide/Angelic Adeona Charge' 4A

Special Moves: Guiding Shoot, Guiding Upper, Angelic Burst  Sparking Shoot

Eye Color: Purple

Hair Color: Purple

~Fun Facts~

Her favorite food is pasta (Fettuccine alfredo, Ramen, etc)

She loves cats. (she often cosplays as one)

Her bey is based on the Roman Goddess Adeona, the goddess who leads children back to their homes, this reflects Athena's kind and loving personality.

There is actually another new character coming so be ready for that.

(Oct. 01, 2020  2:13 PM)SunBlader98 Wrote:

(Oct. 01, 2020  4:24 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: I guess since Athena is the main character of this story, here is some info about her

Spoiler (Click to View)

Name - Athena Valhalla

Athena is the little sister of Lane, after seeing his flare grow she starts to get worried and makes a Sparking Bey of her own. She is also trained by Shu Kurenai.

Gender: Female

Age: 10

Bey: Guide/Angelic Adeona Charge' 4A

Special Moves: Guiding Shoot, Guiding Upper, Angelic Burst  Sparking Shoot

Eye Color: Purple

Hair Color: Purple

~Fun Facts~

Her favorite food is pasta (Fettuccine alfredo, Ramen, etc)

She loves cats. (she often cosplays as one)

Her bey is based on the Roman Goddess Adeona, the goddess who leads children back to their homes, this reflects Athena's kind and loving personality.

There is actually another new character coming so be ready for that.

Adeona! I thoght that was Hestia right?

(Oct. 08, 2020  6:38 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: based on the current episodes that are out, what is your current rating on the story so far (will do this once again when the story concludes)

here is the template

NOTE: you can rate it out of 5 or 10, it doesnt matter

Grammar:
Story:
Characters:
Dialogue:
Length:
Total:

(Oct. 08, 2020  6:49 PM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:

(Oct. 08, 2020  6:38 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: based on the current episodes that are out, what is your current rating on the story so far (will do this once again when the story concludes)

here is the template

NOTE: you can rate it out of 5 or 10, it doesnt matter

Grammar:
Story:
Characters:
Dialogue:
Length:
Total:

Grammar 5/5 as far as screenplays go it’s pretty good

Story: 4/5 it kind of drags

Dialogue: 3/5 Dialogue is ok, maybe try to add more spicy words

Characters: 3/5 we are only introduced to Athena so far, to be fair you have just started so my opinion is likely to change

Length: 2/5 it’s not so lengthy so this tends to cause less character development, also another reason why I gave 3/5 in characters is because you are 4 chapters in to the story and not much change in any other characters

Total: 17/25 definitely the low high end of the beyblade fanfic spectrum.

(Oct. 09, 2020  7:25 PM)UnionDragon007 Wrote: You wrote this story? Nice!

(Oct. 25, 2020  4:27 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Prologue

Spoiler (Click to View)

Lane: Im leaving!

Athena: No! What about me and Shu?!

Lane: What about you? You 2 are weak! Especially you Athena! You don't even have a Sparking Bey!

*Lanes hedgehog hisses as Lanes dark flare rises*

Shu: Lane....

Athena: *begins to cry* why.... Why would you say something like that?!

*she runs off crying*

*Lane walks away without another word*

~Athena sits in her room, still crying her eyes out~

Lane: *in her mind* YOU'RE WEAK!!! you dont even have a Sparking Bey!!

Athena: why would you say that.... You shouldnt say that to your own sister....

*she takes out a sketchpad and starts drawing a sketch of what her bey would be*

Athena: Ill bring my big brother to his senses... With my new Sparking Bey!!!

*she runs to the workshop and begins working on her bey*

Athena: Your flare is going to destroy you Lane.... I can't stand by and let that happen!

*her aura flares out as she keeps working*

Athena: Its almost done... The ultimate Sparking Bey!!

~a few minutes later~

Athena: Its done.... Guide Adeona!!!

*she gets pulled into a dimension where everything was purple*

Athena: What is this?

*A huge deity appears in front of her*

Athena: Who are you?

[TO BE CONTINUED]

(Oct. 25, 2020  10:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 1: Start To Finish!

Spoiler (Click to View)

*the deity had dozens of wings going down its back and it held a sword in its hand*

Athena: Who are you?

Adeona: My name is Adeona, i am the spirit that lives within your bey.

Athena: You're so cool!! I have always loved Roman Mythology, Lane never cared about it but he pretended to enjoy it sometimes... Those were good days.. But he seems to have changed like as if he's a completely different person!

Adeona: *begins to fade away* Lane's flare has already begun to damage him.. He must be stopped!

Athena: I know!

*she goes looking for Lane*

Athena: Where could he be? Huh?

*She finds a run down industrial warehouse and hears the sound of beys clashing*

Athena: Lane is in here?

*she slides open the door and what she saw a horrific sight: A ton of bladers lied on the floor with their beys completely destroyed, some bladers were in pain*

Athena: What happened here?!

*she sees Lane finish the last blader*

Lane: So weak... I need more!....

*Athena looks at Lane in horror as his Flare rises*

Athena: LANE!!

Lane: Hm... What do you want???

Athena: What are you doing?! You can't just battle just for your own amusement!!

Lane: Then why battle.... You have to find fun in a battle... My way of battle is to destroy and strengthen my Flare!! And besides.. What could you know about blading?...

Athena: I may not know much about blading but i wouldn't play just for my own satisfaction!

*she holds out her new bey, much to Lane's surprise!!*

Athena: this is my new bey: Guide Adeona! It was due to your words that I decided to make this bey... I wonder how its strength compares to that of Variant Lucifer?

Lane: I guess we'll have to find out... Not that it'll matter, you wont even scratch our barrier!!

*The 2 glared at each other as their auras began to flare out*

3 2 1 GO SHOOT!!!

*Lucifer's barrier extends as it glides to the center*
Lane: Well now... Come at me!!

Athena: Attack Adeona!!

*Adeona hammers at the barrier but all attacks get reflected*

Lane: You can't beat Lucifer like that! You wont even scratch the barrier like that!!

Athena: FULL SPEED!!!

*Adeona picks up speed from the rim of the stadium*

Lane: Uh what exactly are you doing?

*Adeona speeds toward Lucifer at full speed*

Athena: BLOW IT AWAY!!!

Lane: YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR US!!!! VARIANT WALL!!!!!

*both beys collide and a huge beam of light erupts from the stadium, shattering the glass window on the ceiling*

*Adeona bursts and it gets blown onto the roof*

Athena: No... Adeona...

Lane: Looks like you're gonna have to get that.

*the beaten bladers behind her start laughing*

*a very embarrassed Athena grabs a ladder and climbs up to the roof to get her bey*

Athena: Thank goodness you're fine...

*she starts to head back down but realizes how high up she was*

Athena: uh Lane.... This may be a lot to ask but can you help me down?

*the bladers below laughed hysterically*

*Lane walks over to the ladder and climbs up to his sis*

Lane: Good grief... Come here..

*Athena gets in his arms and Lane carries her down the ladder*

Athena: Thank you Lane... You really didn't have to do that...

Lane: Well I couldn't just leave you up there... *sigh* now get lost...

*Athenas cheeks turn red and smiles after Lane as he walks back into the warehouse*

Athena: **thinks as she walks away too** i knew the sweet side of you was still in there... However im still worried about your Flare... But don't worry, ill help you...

[TO BE CONTINUED]

(Oct. 26, 2020  4:03 PM)EarthHelios Wrote:

(Oct. 25, 2020  10:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Chapter 1: Start To Finish!

Spoiler (Click to View)

*the deity had dozens of wings going down its back and it held a sword in its hand*

Athena: Who are you?

Adeona: My name is Adeona, i am the spirit that lives within your bey.

Athena: You're so cool!! I have always loved Roman Mythology, Lane never cared about it but he pretended to enjoy it sometimes... Those were good days.. But he seems to have changed like as if he's a completely different person!

Adeona: *begins to fade away* Lane's flare has already begun to damage him.. He must be stopped!

Athena: I know!

*she goes looking for Lane*

Athena: Where could he be? Huh?

*She finds a run down industrial warehouse and hears the sound of beys clashing*

Athena: Lane is in here?

*she slides open the door and what she saw a horrific sight: A ton of bladers lied on the floor with their beys completely destroyed, some bladers were in pain*

Athena: What happened here?!

*she sees Lane finish the last blader*

Lane: So weak... I need more!....

*Athena looks at Lane in horror as his Flare rises*

Athena: LANE!!

Lane: Hm... What do you want???

Athena: What are you doing?! You can't just battle just for your own amusement!!

Lane: Then why battle.... You have to find fun in a battle... My way of battle is to destroy and strengthen my Flare!! And besides.. What could you know about blading?...

Athena: I may not know much about blading but i wouldn't play just for my own satisfaction!

*she holds out her new bey, much to Lane's surprise!!*

Athena: this is my new bey: Guide Adeona! It was due to your words that I decided to make this bey... I wonder how its strength compares to that of Variant Lucifer?

Lane: I guess we'll have to find out... Not that it'll matter, you wont even scratch our barrier!!

*The 2 glared at each other as their auras began to flare out*

3 2 1 GO SHOOT!!!

*Lucifer's barrier extends as it glides to the center*
Lane: Well now... Come at me!!

Athena: Attack Adeona!!

*Adeona hammers at the barrier but all attacks get reflected*

Lane: You can't beat Lucifer like that! You wont even scratch the barrier like that!!

Athena: FULL SPEED!!!

*Adeona picks up speed from the rim of the stadium*

Lane: Uh what exactly are you doing?

*Adeona speeds toward Lucifer at full speed*

Athena: BLOW IT AWAY!!!

Lane: YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR US!!!! VARIANT WALL!!!!!

*both beys collide and a huge beam of light erupts from the stadium, shattering the glass window on the ceiling*

*Adeona bursts and it gets blown onto the roof*

Athena: No... Adeona...

Lane: Looks like you're gonna have to get that.

*the beaten bladers behind her start laughing*

*a very embarrassed Athena grabs a ladder and climbs up to the roof to get her bey*

Athena: Thank goodness you're fine...

*she starts to head back down but realizes how high up she was*

Athena: uh Lane.... This may be a lot to ask but can you help me down?

*the bladers below laughed hysterically*

*Lane walks over to the ladder and climbs up to his sis*

Lane: Good grief... Come here..

*Athena gets in his arms and Lane carries her down the ladder*

Athena: Thank you Lane... You really didn't have to do that...

Lane: Well I couldn't just leave you up there... *sigh* now get lost...

*Athenas cheeks turn red and smiles after Lane as he walks back into the warehouse*

Athena: **thinks as she walks away too** i knew the sweet side of you was still in there... However im still worried about your Flare... But don't worry, ill help you...

[TO BE CONTINUED]

This is so cool. Man I liked the part where Lane had to help out Athena and she was embarassed.