Chapter 28
https://www.wattpad.com/1044673032-story...lade-burst

Dang, you're fast.
Also....
*in a five-year-old's voice* Lane's being jelly! Lalalalalala!

---

I'll definitely put something here soon.
Probably.
Maybe?
Naaaaah.

Honestly I didn’t really like chapter 28. A lot of it doesn’t seem well natural and some of it is cringe. I don’t really know how to fix it nor do I know what the story demands (haven’t read this fanfic in like a month). I just thought I would share my complaints and I get most people who read don’t feel this way and I’m not trying to start anything negative or start a debate.

Honestly I didn’t really like chapter 28. A lot of it doesn’t seem well natural and some of it is cringe. I don’t really know how to fix it nor do I know what the story demands (haven’t read this fanfic in like a month). I just thought I would share my complaints and I get most people who read don’t feel this way and I’m not trying to start anything negative or start a debate.

Fair enough, but if I may ask what about it was un-natural and cringe?

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Honestly I didn’t really like chapter 28. A lot of it doesn’t seem well natural and some of it is cringe. I don’t really know how to fix it nor do I know what the story demands (haven’t read this fanfic in like a month). I just thought I would share my complaints and I get most people who read don’t feel this way and I’m not trying to start anything negative or start a debate.

Fair enough, but if I may ask what about it was un-natural and cringe?

The exchange of dialogue between Athena and Lane. It’s just so forced and it doesn’t seem like something siblings would say even if they hated eachother.

Chapter 29: Clash Of Fate! The League Begins! (Updated Summary)

The Legend League Begins as the first 2 matches of Block A begin with Aiga Vs Hikaru and Xhaka Vs Hyuga. the intensity of the battles makes the League feel like an all-out war!


Chapter 30: Ultimate Attack! War Between Legends! Summary

Athena finally faces Lui in the 3rd Match, will all her hard work and training pay off? the 4th and final match of Block A's Round 1 is Free Vs Sisco!

---

I have the headcanon that Lane and Athena come from a royal family so here is the history behind the Valhalla Royal Family.

(btw story itself takes place in 2020 as of Season 1, however Covid isnt a canon thing here. Also Lanes age isnt anime-canonically confirmed so I came up with an age for him: 13)


The History Of The Valhalla Family

Athenas current family comes from a long line of rich people who went by a strict policy and code which led to fighting. About 2 days before Athena was born, the family split up and broke off into their own families and did their own thing. Athenas father was brutally murdered in an alley and the body as well as the killer was never found, so Athena and Lane pretty much grew up without a father in their lives and Athenas mother was single the whole way through. Despite having no father, Athena and Lane had normal childhoods and lived happily with their Mom and the butlers and maids that worked for them.

The Flare first originated from the earliest member of the Valhalla family who created and first used First Uranus which was nicknamed "The Prototype Of The Jet Black Sun". The dangerous bey was sealed away and was found by Lane at 11 Yrs Old. Since taking the bey, Lane developed an extreme bond with Uranus and its flare was restored.

(there isn't anyway to tell if Flare has a limit, if it even has one. Flare at max power can light up the full possible potential in a bey but can severely damage the blader or even go as far as mutate them if not controlled properly.)

With Athena at 9 Years old and Lane at 12, they both became fascinated by Beyblade and joined the New York Bulls as students under Shu Kurenai, one of the top ranking legends.

As of present time (a year later), Lane has evolved to Lucifer as his flare already began damaging him. The rest of the events precede as told in the story.

I shall summon Pixi, PinkRose, Ryuga's Son and 6Jupiter5 to give their thoughts

Extras

~ The family break up was caused by a heated argument talking about the strict policies the family had.

~ Athena is secretly a princess and nobody but her family knows it.

~ the Mansion that Athena lives in contains a library that has a secret archive of every legendary bey in existence and was even the resting place of Uranus before Lane took it.

~ Only ONE person before Lane could use Flare and that was Ugene Valhalla, the creator and original user of First Uranus.

~ Athenas father was murdered the night Athena was born, so Athena never knew him and never knew what happened to him.

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

For some reason what I like the best about this is that you actually gave the whole Flare thing a backstory (as in, how it came to be and stuff)
I think the entire story is fairly nice. I mean, we finally have some context to work with, that's one of several areas where this fic beats canon.

---

I'll definitely put something here soon.
Probably.
Maybe?
Naaaaah.

Chapter 29: Clash Of Fate! The League Begins! (Updated Summary)

The Legend League Begins as the first 2 matches of Block A begin with Aiga Vs Hikaru and Xhaka Vs Hyuga. the intensity of the battles makes the League feel like an all-out war!


Chapter 30: Ultimate Attack! War Between Legends! Summary

Athena finally faces Lui in the 3rd Match, will all her hard work and training pay off? the 4th and final match of Block A's Round 1 is Free Vs Sisco!

---

I have the headcanon that Lane and Athena come from a royal family so here is the history behind the Valhalla Royal Family.

(btw story itself takes place in 2020 as of Season 1, however Covid isnt a canon thing here. Also Lanes age isnt anime-canonically confirmed so I came up with an age for him: 13)


The History Of The Valhalla Family

Athenas current family comes from a long line of rich people who went by a strict policy and code which led to fighting. About 2 days before Athena was born, the family split up and broke off into their own families and did their own thing. Athenas father was brutally murdered in an alley and the body as well as the killer was never found, so Athena and Lane pretty much grew up without a father in their lives and Athenas mother was single the whole way through. Despite having no father, Athena and Lane had normal childhoods and lived happily with their Mom and the butlers and maids that worked for them.

The Flare first originated from the earliest member of the Valhalla family who created and first used First Uranus which was nicknamed "The Prototype Of The Jet Black Sun". The dangerous bey was sealed away and was found by Lane at 11 Yrs Old. Since taking the bey, Lane developed an extreme bond with Uranus and its flare was restored.

(there isn't anyway to tell if Flare has a limit, if it even has one. Flare at max power can light up the full possible potential in a bey but can severely damage the blader or even go as far as mutate them if not controlled properly.)

With Athena at 9 Years old and Lane at 12, they both became fascinated by Beyblade and joined the New York Bulls as students under Shu Kurenai, one of the top ranking legends.

As of present time (a year later), Lane has evolved to Lucifer as his flare already began damaging him. The rest of the events precede as told in the story.

I shall summon Pixi, PinkRose, Ryuga's Son and 6Jupiter5 to give their thoughts

Your summoning jutsu worked well. You have learned it from Pervy Sage.

So on topic now, my thoughts for this story behind the royal family are:
It was a good story. I loved the way you shaped the story, but you need to go deeper in it. Like why did the family split up? And you can add secrets about Lane and Athena, which you can unveil later on in the story.
You can also elaborate the story more. Have Lane's and Athena's ancestors a rivalry, ACTUALLY elaborate HOW the Royal Family got the flare. Then you can do many stories on how the flare lead to destruction and disaster, slowly and slowly revealing new secrets. And if you do this, your fan fic could be even better. I'll rate the Royal Family story a 7.6/10.

---

Please try out my Fan Fics:
FBW saga (First Blader War)

Scion of the Legends (The Dark Forsworn Series)

Note: I'm falling apart from reading many posts from people who are leaving or are going to be inactive.

Chapter 29: Clash Of Fate! The League Begins! (Updated Summary)

The Legend League Begins as the first 2 matches of Block A begin with Aiga Vs Hikaru and Xhaka Vs Hyuga. the intensity of the battles makes the League feel like an all-out war!


Chapter 30: Ultimate Attack! War Between Legends! Summary

Athena finally faces Lui in the 3rd Match, will all her hard work and training pay off? the 4th and final match of Block A's Round 1 is Free Vs Sisco!

---

I have the headcanon that Lane and Athena come from a royal family so here is the history behind the Valhalla Royal Family.

(btw story itself takes place in 2020 as of Season 1, however Covid isnt a canon thing here. Also Lanes age isnt anime-canonically confirmed so I came up with an age for him: 13)


The History Of The Valhalla Family

Athenas current family comes from a long line of rich people who went by a strict policy and code which led to fighting. About 2 days before Athena was born, the family split up and broke off into their own families and did their own thing. Athenas father was brutally murdered in an alley and the body as well as the killer was never found, so Athena and Lane pretty much grew up without a father in their lives and Athenas mother was single the whole way through. Despite having no father, Athena and Lane had normal childhoods and lived happily with their Mom and the butlers and maids that worked for them.

The Flare first originated from the earliest member of the Valhalla family who created and first used First Uranus which was nicknamed "The Prototype Of The Jet Black Sun". The dangerous bey was sealed away and was found by Lane at 11 Yrs Old. Since taking the bey, Lane developed an extreme bond with Uranus and its flare was restored.

(there isn't anyway to tell if Flare has a limit, if it even has one. Flare at max power can light up the full possible potential in a bey but can severely damage the blader or even go as far as mutate them if not controlled properly.)

With Athena at 9 Years old and Lane at 12, they both became fascinated by Beyblade and joined the New York Bulls as students under Shu Kurenai, one of the top ranking legends.

As of present time (a year later), Lane has evolved to Lucifer as his flare already began damaging him. The rest of the events precede as told in the story.

I shall summon Pixi, PinkRose, Ryuga's Son and 6Jupiter5 to give their thoughts

Your summoning jutsu worked well. You have learned it from Pervy Sage.

So on topic now, my thoughts for this story behind the royal family are:
It was a good story. I loved the way you shaped the story, but you need to go deeper in it. Like why did the family split up? And you can add secrets about Lane and Athena, which you can unveil later on in the story.
You can also elaborate the story more. Have Lane's and Athena's ancestors a rivalry, ACTUALLY elaborate HOW the Royal Family got the flare. Then you can do many stories on how the flare lead to destruction and disaster, slowly and slowly revealing new secrets. And if you do this, your fan fic could be even better. I'll rate the Royal Family story a 7.6/10.

Thanks. I definitely like that idea and there will be some secrets revealed after The League Arc.

There really wasn't a rivalry. It was just a bit fallout in the family. And Flare didn't really destroy but it can ruin the person who uses it if not controlled properly.

More will be revealed soon.

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Your summoning jutsu worked well. You have learned it from Pervy Sage.

So on topic now, my thoughts for this story behind the royal family are:
It was a good story. I loved the way you shaped the story, but you need to go deeper in it. Like why did the family split up? And you can add secrets about Lane and Athena, which you can unveil later on in the story.
You can also elaborate the story more. Have Lane's and Athena's ancestors a rivalry, ACTUALLY elaborate HOW the Royal Family got the flare. Then you can do many stories on how the flare lead to destruction and disaster, slowly and slowly revealing new secrets. And if you do this, your fan fic could be even better. I'll rate the Royal Family story a 7.6/10.

Thanks. I definitely like that idea and there will be some secrets revealed after The League Arc.

There really wasn't a rivalry. It was just a bit fallout in the family. And Flare didn't really destroy but it can ruin the person who uses it if not controlled properly.

More will be revealed soon.

Then you should explain WHAT the fallout was. And a story for those who could control the flare and those who couldn't

---

Please try out my Fan Fics:
FBW saga (First Blader War)

Scion of the Legends (The Dark Forsworn Series)

Note: I'm falling apart from reading many posts from people who are leaving or are going to be inactive.

Chapter 29 aka sorta filler (you do get to see Athenas mom briefly though)
https://www.wattpad.com/1053218459-story...lade-burst

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Chapter 29 aka sorta filler (you do get to see Athenas mom briefly though)
https://www.wattpad.com/1053218459-story...lade-burst

Chapter 29 was fairly better than Chapter 28, i'll give it a 8.6/10

---

Please try out my Fan Fics:
FBW saga (First Blader War)

Scion of the Legends (The Dark Forsworn Series)

Note: I'm falling apart from reading many posts from people who are leaving or are going to be inactive.

Never mind it was nothing

Never mind it was nothing

What?

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Never mind it was nothing

What?

Most likely a deleted post.

Yep sorry it was nothing. You’re story’s doing really good so far nice job.

Definitely liked 29 more than 28. The dialogue felt natural and something actual people would say. Overall enjoyable.

Chapter 29 aka sorta filler (you do get to see Athenas mom briefly though)
https://www.wattpad.com/1053218459-story...lade-burst

For whatever reason I got a kick out of Achilles saying 'Roger that'. And also when I read MOTHER in caps at the first paragraph. Like dang.
The chapter is decent overall, poor Hikaru gets rekt in his very first match which is saaaad but I can live with it, looking forward to next chapter.

---

I'll definitely put something here soon.
Probably.
Maybe?
Naaaaah.

Chapter 29: Clash Of Fate! The League Begins! (Updated Summary)

The Legend League Begins as the first 2 matches of Block A begin with Aiga Vs Hikaru and Xhaka Vs Hyuga. the intensity of the battles makes the League feel like an all-out war!


Chapter 30: Ultimate Attack! War Between Legends! Summary

Athena finally faces Lui in the 3rd Match, will all her hard work and training pay off? the 4th and final match of Block A's Round 1 is Free Vs Sisco!

---

I have the headcanon that Lane and Athena come from a royal family so here is the history behind the Valhalla Royal Family.

(btw story itself takes place in 2020 as of Season 1, however Covid isnt a canon thing here. Also Lanes age isnt anime-canonically confirmed so I came up with an age for him: 13)


The History Of The Valhalla Family

Athenas current family comes from a long line of rich people who went by a strict policy and code which led to fighting. About 2 days before Athena was born, the family split up and broke off into their own families and did their own thing. Athenas father was brutally murdered in an alley and the body as well as the killer was never found, so Athena and Lane pretty much grew up without a father in their lives and Athenas mother was single the whole way through. Despite having no father, Athena and Lane had normal childhoods and lived happily with their Mom and the butlers and maids that worked for them.

The Flare first originated from the earliest member of the Valhalla family who created and first used First Uranus which was nicknamed "The Prototype Of The Jet Black Sun". The dangerous bey was sealed away and was found by Lane at 11 Yrs Old. Since taking the bey, Lane developed an extreme bond with Uranus and its flare was restored.

(there isn't anyway to tell if Flare has a limit, if it even has one. Flare at max power can light up the full possible potential in a bey but can severely damage the blader or even go as far as mutate them if not controlled properly.)

With Athena at 9 Years old and Lane at 12, they both became fascinated by Beyblade and joined the New York Bulls as students under Shu Kurenai, one of the top ranking legends.

As of present time (a year later), Lane has evolved to Lucifer as his flare already began damaging him. The rest of the events precede as told in the story.

I shall summon Pixi, PinkRose, Ryuga's Son and 6Jupiter5 to give their thoughts

Extras

~ The family break up was caused by a heated argument talking about the strict policies the family had.

~ Athena is secretly a princess and nobody but her family knows it.

~ the Mansion that Athena lives in contains a library that has a secret archive of every legendary bey in existence and was even the resting place of Uranus before Lane took it.

~ Only ONE person before Lane could use Flare and that was Ugene Valhalla, the creator and original user of First Uranus.

~ Athenas father was murdered the night Athena was born, so Athena never knew him and never knew what happened to him.

I might be late to this, dangitdarnit.

but!! we share a braincell! I as well made a HC that the Valhalla's are from a royal family! I remember making them a backstory as well, but It's quite different from yours, oh well. 

Still, the backstory you made seems very solid and nicely-written! I love it! 9.7/10 because nothing is perfect, /lh




(also remember that Elaina Valhalla person i designed as their mother that i told you in my art thread? Probably not, but kudos if you do, /lh)

---

hey guys, did you know that in terms of competitive battling, vaporeon is one of the most underrated? not only that it is a water type which grants it only 2 weaknesses and 3 resistances, vaporeon also has a whopping HP stat of 130 and a respectable special defense of 95, allowing it to tank attacks well. it also has the access to the ability hydration, which makes it especially a power to be beckoned in rain teams as it is immune to status moves. not only as a staller, vaporeon can also hold the role of a sweeper as it has a respectable special attack stat of 110, allowing it to fit on HO or HO Rain teams well. in addition, it is able to learn the moves toxic, scald, wish, protect and acid armor making it a very compatible staller and support, flexible to fit in various teams, tiers and so much more to come.

Athena Is the Best written OC!

Sam approves your OC!

DeltaZakuro, can I have Athena Valhalla in my Scion of the Legends fan fic?

---

Please try out my Fan Fics:
FBW saga (First Blader War)

Scion of the Legends (The Dark Forsworn Series)

Note: I'm falling apart from reading many posts from people who are leaving or are going to be inactive.

Chapter 29: Clash Of Fate! The League Begins! (Updated Summary)

The Legend League Begins as the first 2 matches of Block A begin with Aiga Vs Hikaru and Xhaka Vs Hyuga. the intensity of the battles makes the League feel like an all-out war!


Chapter 30: Ultimate Attack! War Between Legends! Summary

Athena finally faces Lui in the 3rd Match, will all her hard work and training pay off? the 4th and final match of Block A's Round 1 is Free Vs Sisco!

---

I have the headcanon that Lane and Athena come from a royal family so here is the history behind the Valhalla Royal Family.

(btw story itself takes place in 2020 as of Season 1, however Covid isnt a canon thing here. Also Lanes age isnt anime-canonically confirmed so I came up with an age for him: 13)


The History Of The Valhalla Family

Athenas current family comes from a long line of rich people who went by a strict policy and code which led to fighting. About 2 days before Athena was born, the family split up and broke off into their own families and did their own thing. Athenas father was brutally murdered in an alley and the body as well as the killer was never found, so Athena and Lane pretty much grew up without a father in their lives and Athenas mother was single the whole way through. Despite having no father, Athena and Lane had normal childhoods and lived happily with their Mom and the butlers and maids that worked for them.

The Flare first originated from the earliest member of the Valhalla family who created and first used First Uranus which was nicknamed "The Prototype Of The Jet Black Sun". The dangerous bey was sealed away and was found by Lane at 11 Yrs Old. Since taking the bey, Lane developed an extreme bond with Uranus and its flare was restored.

(there isn't anyway to tell if Flare has a limit, if it even has one. Flare at max power can light up the full possible potential in a bey but can severely damage the blader or even go as far as mutate them if not controlled properly.)

With Athena at 9 Years old and Lane at 12, they both became fascinated by Beyblade and joined the New York Bulls as students under Shu Kurenai, one of the top ranking legends.

As of present time (a year later), Lane has evolved to Lucifer as his flare already began damaging him. The rest of the events precede as told in the story.

I shall summon Pixi, PinkRose, Ryuga's Son and 6Jupiter5 to give their thoughts

Extras

~ The family break up was caused by a heated argument talking about the strict policies the family had.

~ Athena is secretly a princess and nobody but her family knows it.

~ the Mansion that Athena lives in contains a library that has a secret archive of every legendary bey in existence and was even the resting place of Uranus before Lane took it.

~ Only ONE person before Lane could use Flare and that was Ugene Valhalla, the creator and original user of First Uranus.

~ Athenas father was murdered the night Athena was born, so Athena never knew him and never knew what happened to him.

If Athena is secretly a princess I don’t think she would be playing Beyblade and definitely don’t think she would associate herself with someone like Shu. Also Lane is Japanese or American (not sure which) and these countries don’t really have any royalty so there’s definitely a logic hole there. I don’t really care if you include it, just wanted to tell you that if this Beyblade universe is the exact timeline as the universe we know about then it just doesn’t fit in.

DeltaZakuro, can I have Athena Valhalla in my Scion of the Legends fan fic?

not at the moment.

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst

---

PFP: Baby picture of me and one of my irl friends / ANY PRONOUNS

Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst

Loved it! Rating: 9.6/10

---

Please try out my Fan Fics:
FBW saga (First Blader War)

Scion of the Legends (The Dark Forsworn Series)

Note: I'm falling apart from reading many posts from people who are leaving or are going to be inactive.

Chapter 30
https://www.wattpad.com/1053695728-story...lade-burst

Solid (snake) chapter. Battles are well fleshed and thought out.