Beyblade: Legends

If i can........

Name: Kyuii ( kee-uu-ee) Highlan
age: 15
looks: long, anime red hair tied back in a long pony tail, going down to his knees.he weras an ocean blue blazer, red jeans, blue sandals, blue and red fingerless gloves
personality:quiet, kind, caring, respects every one. Likes to help others.
bio: his father died in an accident. He lives with his mom, a quiet but happy life

bey: Viper Ersier IR( Iron Ring) B
Bey Description: Ersier Face is black with two yellow eyes. Ersier Energy Ring is Black with two bright red crosses that are connected. The black is a bumpy pattern, similar to Aquario. Viper has 5 long, curved things that are placed at different heights. There are also two smaller spikes above or below each thing. Iron ring is a black metal with a red funnel shaped metal around the track, wider part lower. B is just a red Ball tip
Combo info: Has great agility and great defense. If done correctly, can produce an awesome attack.

Bit beast: ( if I can have one) a creature with a wolf's head, leopard's body, and 3 fox tails. Bklue and white fur, black eyes.
Beyblade: Legends

Episode 10: The Regional Tournament: Enter Ryouma!


"Good Morning Kyoto, and welcome to the third and final day of the Kyoto Regional Tournament! This is Yu Asagiri,"

"And Kia Asamiya, live from the Kyoto Beydome! Well, the scene is set for an epic final round for this tournament!"

"And what a story as well; a young unknown clawing his way to victory versus the favorite to win this tournament, and of course an extremely talented blader!"

"Who will win? We'll find out today! You're watching the WBBA channel, stay tuned!"
__

"Rise and shine Reiiji," the Director called soothingly, walking into the back room. "You know what today is, so you'd better get up qui-huh?" The small floor bed he had made for Reiiji had been neatly folded and put away. In its place were a couple of 50 yen coins.

"Reiiji, Reiiji, Reiiji..." he murmured under his breath.
__

"Are you ready, Ryouma-kun?" Sayoko asked.

"Of course I am, but I was expecting to face you, not this...this amateur!" Ryouma said in frustration. He took a quick bite out of the apple he was eating and continued. "I was expecting a much more...well, exciting battle. This is, to be honest, a joke." Sayoko twiddled her fingers with guilt and embarassment.

"He's much stronger than you might think Ryouma-kun, just keep your guard up..."
__

"And who are you?" the receptionist asked.

"What do you mean 'Who are you?'" Reiiji shouted in frustration, "I'm the other finalist, Reiiji! Don't you recognize me? Have you not seen the pictures?"

"Sir, don't make me call security on you-"

"Ma'am that won't be necessary," a man said from behind. He grabbed a glossy phone and spoke into it, "This is Hodomoe, we've got number two. Yes, we're bringing him right now." He clipped the device on his belt and turned to the Receptionist whose face was now pale, "Ma'am, I suggest that next time you actually ask for the boy's papers before you deny him entrance."

"Yes, Hodomoe-san," the woman said bowing her head. Reiiji smiled smugly at her before following the suited men into the Blader Commons. Whoever these men were, they were obviously of high stature in the WBBA. The Commons, which were full of life and bustling a mere day ago, were now anything but. In fact there was only one other person in the gargantuan hall.

"Well Ryouma, we've found your missing contestant," the man said.

"Thank you, Hodomoe-sama," the boy replied politely and the man hurriedly left.
"So, you're the Reiiji; the boy without a bit-beast...I'm underwhelmed," the boy said. He arose from his chair and revealed his mysterious face.

"And you're this Ryouma I keep hearing about," Reiiji replied defiantly. The two boys eyed each other. Ryouma was your typical "lone wolf." His hair was a dark black and it flowed over his eyes in large clumps. His smile was cynical, yet dark. He was one of the rich kids, so his prep school attire consisted of dark slacks, a blazer with yellow highlights, and a white shirt underneath.

"Attention, may I have your attention please! Will our two finalists please enter the arena and await further instructions! Thank you!" the loudspeaker boomed.

"Guess there's no time for introductions," Ryouma said dryly. The two boys quickly grabbed their blades and headed up the ramp to the stadium.

"Come on, Reiiji. This is it! You've made it this far, now let's finish this!" Reiiji told himself. With that, he carried himself into the glare of the stadium and approached the extremely large dish in the center of the stadium. Thousands stared as the two boys took their places at opposite ends of the stadium and attached their blades to their launchers.

"Alrighty then bladers, the finals are a best of 5 match! The first person to three wins will not only be crowned the champion of the Kyoto region, but will also be granted a spot in the Nationals! So, is everyone ready for round one? Alright, it's 3, 2, 1, Gooo Shoot!"

Next on Beyblade: Legends

Episode 11: The Regional Tournament: VS Ryouma!


__________

Sorry for the shortened episode, tell me what you think of this episode!
Awesome! Can't wait for the battle to start... I'm itching with excitement! Grin
Gah. Too much suspense. I'm waiting for the actual battle... And 'lone wolf' is a hint to his bit beast. Wolf, amirite?
(Feb. 14, 2011  2:56 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: Gah. Too much suspense. I'm waiting for the actual battle... And 'lone wolf' is a hint to his bit beast. Wolf, amirite?

Welll.....no. But his bit-beast is a very solitary animal. It usually flies solo...(that was a real hint)
You use foreshadowing quite well. However, I wouldn't recommend using so much suspense in your episodes. It keeps people on the edge of their seats, but it also sends people away if you use too much of it. You have 2 episodes before the match with Ryouma, mostly filler. Plus don't forget that people must also wait the number of days that is unspecified to see these episodes in the first place. If anything, unless you add something to the plot (ex: a new team, member, special character and battle etc.), it is recommended to only use one filler at a time, and not many fillers at once. The plot is key.

Some small grammar errors. 'Well, Ryouma, We've found you're missing contestant' That's a big one. First comma is not needed, capitalization problem and wrong use of word (your, not you're).

When the announcers describe the bladers, you left the more experienced blader's description a bit lacking. You have 'the young unknown clawing his way to victory (just said victor)' and then just 'an experienced blader'. What about 'the reigning champion who is loved by all and slanted to win this'?

Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say 'thousands glared', I could only imagine you're in a large crowd.

Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with your setting.

'He approached the extremely large dish in the center of the stadium.' A bit vague. What about 'as he slowly stepped towards the large beystadium, placed for all to behold when fierce battles occurred.'?

'He wore his prep school...' Let's say the reader doesn't know what it looks like (which we don't, you never described it). Remember, too much detail is better than too little. Describe the uniform, maybe something unique about it, like his shirt tucked out, ruffled collar, or maybe a piece of jewelry.

You've made Reiiji very smug as of late. 'Smug' seems to be often with 'Reiiji. I thought he was the poor boy on the street who got a lucky break. Why so smug? What about him less confident because of his opponent's reputation, or maybe unsure of himself? (That would lead to a good filler + random battle as a plot element to help him overcome his weakness.) I understand the receptionist incident, with him being smug. But what about him responding to Ryouma, why smug then. How about 'retorted defiantly' instead of 'replied smugly'?

Building on how he is a 'street urchin', how is he able to pay the director a couple of 50 yen? He doesn't have any money for a hotel, so he asks to sleep at the society. Makes sense. Then how can he pay the director enough for a one night stay in a motel? Remember, your theme is beyblades and realism (poverty, bottom up, etc.), so try to keep it as real a bey story as possible.

For now, that's all I can see. If you want, I'll critique your next chapter. Your story is great, this critique is mostly nitpicking, but it's all constructive. Your story is better than most out there, so don't feel down about this critique if you do. Please continue, I am a fan of this story! Eee

EDIT: Upon reading your comment, it's probably Eagle (solo + flight), next guess is Phoenix. It's Eagle for sure, amirite now?
(Feb. 14, 2011  3:27 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: You use foreshadowing quite well. However, I wouldn't recommend using so much suspense in your episodes. It keeps people on the edge of their seats, but it also sends people away if you use too much of it. You have 2 episodes before the match with Ryouma, mostly filler. Plus don't forget that people must also wait the number of days that is unspecified to see these episodes in the first place. If anything, unless you add something to the plot (ex: a new team, member, special character and battle etc.), it is recommended to only use one filler at a time, and not many fillers at once. The plot is key.

Some small grammar errors. 'Well, Ryouma, We've found you're missing contestant' That's a big one. First comma is not needed, capitalization problem and wrong use of word (your, not you're).

When the announcers describe the bladers, you left the more experienced blader's description a bit lacking. You have 'the young unknown clawing his way to victory (just said victor)' and then just 'an experienced blader'. What about 'the reigning champion who is loved by all and slanted to win this'?

Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say 'thousands glared', I could only imagine you're in a large crowd.

Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with your setting.

'He approached the extremely large dish in the center of the stadium.' A bit vague. What about 'as he slowly stepped towards the large beystadium, placed for all to behold when fierce battles occurred.'?

'He wore his prep school...' Let's say the reader doesn't know what it looks like (which we don't, you never described it). Remember, too much detail is better than too little. Describe the uniform, maybe something unique about it, like his shirt tucked out, ruffled collar, or maybe a piece of jewelry.

You've made Reiiji very smug as of late. 'Smug' seems to be often with 'Reiiji. I thought he was the poor boy on the street who got a lucky break. Why so smug? What about him less confident because of his opponent's reputation, or maybe unsure of himself? (That would lead to a good filler + random battle as a plot element to help him overcome his weakness.) I understand the receptionist incident, with him being smug. But what about him responding to Ryouma, why smug then. How about 'retorted defiantly' instead of 'replied smugly'?

Building on how he is a 'street urchin', how is he able to pay the director a couple of 50 yen? He doesn't have any money for a hotel, so he asks to sleep at the society. Makes sense. Then how can he pay the director enough for a one night stay in a motel? Remember, your theme is beyblades and realism (poverty, bottom up, etc.), so try to keep it as real a bey story as possible.

For now, that's all I can see. If you want, I'll critique your next chapter. Your story is great, this critique is mostly nitpicking, but it's all constructive. Your story is better than most out there, so don't feel down about this critique if you do. Please continue, I am a fan of this story! Eee

EDIT: Upon reading your comment, it's probably Eagle (solo + flight), next guess is Phoenix. It's Eagle for sure, amirite now?

100 yen is about a dollar (I did my research). That was the money he had scrounged up when he had tried to buy food in Kyoto in a past episode. Since everything is much pricier in Japan, I figured it wasn't much there anyway. I agree with the detail, I really do need to appeal to more senses because lately its just been "it looked like this" or something like that. I mostly considered the last episode a filler to sort of soften the action that happened in the episode before (with Sayoko), I had never really considered this one a filler until now, but I realize it now. Oh yeah, I did sort of overuse the whole "smug" attitude of him. I could have found a better word for it. And yes uarerite...Wink
^Hah, that last comment should be in a spoiler, cause it really is a spoiler.
Great chapter! I hope my character will make it in
Go Reiiji!! I can not wait! StupidStupidStupid
Oh btw, forgot special moves. I have 3 but pick the first one if you only want the bey to have one.

3 Tail Twirling Dance: Creates 5 copies of itself that distract the opponent. Then, The real bey( Erseri) jumps out of no where, glowing white, and crashes into the opponent

Viper Rain Storm: creates a mist sheild around itself. Then, covers itself in water. Erseri Then floats in the air, fires the water into the sky, and sends a mini rain storm on the opposing bey.

Fang Hurricane: Creates a wind and water strom to protect itself. Waiting for the opponent to loose stamina or smashing it down with the hurricane.

If you think they are over powered, tell me
Love your stories, I have a character request
her name is Alice
beyblade is Burn Libra 105wd
earnest hard working girl who loves beyblade, her and libra enjoy a heated battle after battling the main character she starts to secretly like him
her special move is burn libra heated tornado
PEACE OUT BLADERS!
Nice job! I really like your story! I like how you use good details and interesting vocabulary. Most of the things that needed to be fixed up were already said by Ga.

But still, awesome job!
i have one
Name:Valtor (nickname: val) Sergio
Bey:Ignition Ra TRB145 MSWD (Triple Roller Balls 145) (Metal Semi-Wide Defense)
Description Of Bey:Black metal wheel with 3 golden spots on the sides
The clear wheel looks like 2 golden tomahawks
Description beyblader: Black Blueish hair red/green jacket black pants.
little bit of MEGA IDIOT!!!!!
Note: he is a boy (duh)
(Feb. 15, 2011  4:02 AM)bladerman Wrote: Love your stories, I have a character request
her name is Alice
beyblade is Burn Libra 105wd
earnest hard working girl who loves beyblade, her and libra enjoy a heated battle after battling the main character she starts to secretly like him
her special move is burn libra heated tornado
PEACE OUT BLADERS!

He said it 3 times, do not post character requests until the national tournament
he did not say that, he was just tired of people asking him if thier character was accepted. He said that he'll talk about accepting and not accepting characters during the national tourny. get your facts right before you post somthing like that on someone elses behalf
@ Brian.. THANK YOU!!!!

Oh and @ Storm Dranzer, I've seen a few threads, and you try to act like the mod on them... and they aren't your threads! So stop acting like the boss plz and thank you
I know, and I'm sorry. I decided not to post as much.
Look, my thread is not a chatroom. First off, storm dranzer, don't put words in my mouth...Second off if anyone had a problem with what he posted, they should have taken it up with a private message, not post it on my thread. And finally, if you don't have anything to say even remotely relevant to the story, then don't post here
Your stories are great!I love all the detail you use.
(Feb. 19, 2011  2:49 AM)NightWolf7919 Wrote: Look, my thread is not a chatroom. First off, storm dranzer, don't put words in my mouth...Second off if anyone had a problem with what he posted, they should have taken it up with a private message, not post it on my thread. And finally, if you don't have anything to say even remotely relevant to the story, then don't post here
I know. I was being impulsive to an extent and i do apologize. I love your story and I apologize for any spam.
(Feb. 19, 2011  2:49 AM)NightWolf7919 Wrote: Look, my thread is not a chatroom. First off, storm dranzer, don't put words in my mouth...Second off if anyone had a problem with what he posted, they should have taken it up with a private message, not post it on my thread. And finally, if you don't have anything to say even remotely relevant to the story, then don't post here
Okay im sorry for any spam i have caused btw i love how realistic and detailed this story is
um i think you should connect all of the story bits into the first comment
so ppl don't have to find parts of the story all over the place
nice story though!
visit my characters thread to get characters if you want (read the rules first!)
Sorry for that. Your stories are amazing.StupidStupidStupid