World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade: Legends

Feb. 24, 2011  1:19 AM
 
I have a character
Name-Honoo (Means flame)
Beyblade-Flame Fireblaze 105 MS
Age-10
Aperrence-Golden hair wears blue jeans,red shoes,red and black jacket,and orange shirt
The main characters biggest rival he always wants to battle everyone he meets
Special Move-Fireblaze Flame Blast(Fireblaze turns into a ball of fire hits the oponent with a powerful strike)
Feb. 26, 2011  2:37 AM
 
Chapter One:

"It was his first time in Tokyo, a poor boy from Kyoto coming with his family on vacation. Vacation, more like escape."

The second clause of your first sentence lacks a verb. To ad a verb to make the first and second part of that sentence two separate sentences would be lengthy. I would switch it up a little. Maybe not say where he's from point blank, but sneak the fact in, saying the capital was different from his home in Kyoto. "Vacation? This was more like an escape." You can use a single word as a question, but you have to keep your sentences complete. Verb and noun.

Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo. You might want to find some alternate vocabulary for the city. Use a descriptive word to replace it.

In your second paragraph, you use "and" too frequently. Try to make use of commas or periods. I'd also like to hear about any sounds or smells. Did it smell like an old asian attic? (like some of my beys from YJA do) Did it smell like new plastic? What about sugary treats? Use as much detail as you can to put the reader in the store.

Is Reiji's father going to play an important role in the story? A good writing technique is to only name key figures in your story. Otherwise, you'll overwelm the reader with names. Also, if it he was in a Pub, you might want to describe the smell on his father's breath and how he pieced his words together. You might want to imply that he's drunk if that is the case.

Altogether, the opening paragraph isn't very stimulating and doesn't hit the reader very hard. Not to put your story down, but a majority of the stories on this board start with a tragedy. I want to hear about the kid whose worst complaint is getting dried cereal as a desert in the lunch his mother packed and still manages to beat everyone with his bey.

Your strengths would have to be your punctuation, vocabulary, and flow. Your story does process quite well. It has a good balance of dialog and body. You do need to work on substituting proper nouns with a combination of adjectives and common nouns more often as well as using more description outside the primary sense of sight.
Chapter 2 & 3:

"but it had all been worth it in the end" - no comma
"In Reiiji's hands he held the final product; in his hand he held his Beyblade." - it's the same sentence, essentially, so keep it that way with a semi-colon

"But he knew not to celebrate yet. He had to put his blade through the final test." - don't start a sentence with but. Just ad it to the last one.

Since you're 18, I'm going to assume that you know that drunks don't storm anywhere - they fall, stagger, or stumble.

After reading chapter two, you shouldn't give Reiji's father a name unless you want to make him seem really distant from Reiji. If your aim is to make it impersonal, you should switch "Daddy" with "Father".

How does a very important person such as the director know a non-blader like Reiji by first name?

Also, immigration is taken pretty seriously in any democratic society. I'd suggest that you change the officer from jeopardizing his job by endangering a minor and being insubordinate to the law to careless enough to be distracted by a conversation with either a female or another officer while Reiji runs away before they could secure him in a vehicle. If Beyblade is his dream, he'll do whatever it takes for that tournament.
Feb. 26, 2011  11:32 PM
 
I'm really desprate so I am posting this:
Name:Masato
Bey: Shadow Kronos CH120HF/S
Bio: Dark and evil personality, although he does nothing bad, he looks like he could rule the world.
Age: 9 (He is small but don't underestimate him!)
Special Move: Wheel of Darkness.
If anythings missing, your allowed to add things to him.
Thanks!
Feb. 28, 2011  12:18 AM
 
I'm sorry for the hiatus everyone, but I'm going to need a little bit more time to get my thoughts on paper. I have not given up, its simply that I have to account for all the corrections and new ideas I'm putting into the next Episode. For all the time I'm taking to make this, you can be sure its going to be one epic battle!

From NightWolf
Feb. 28, 2011  2:09 AM
 
Yay! Can't wait for the next chapter!StupidStupid
Feb. 28, 2011  1:46 PM
 
Being a writer as well, I can understand. I'm looking forward to it.
Feb. 28, 2011  10:09 PM
 
(Feb. 26, 2011  2:37 AM)Deikailo Wrote: Chapter One:

"It was his first time in Tokyo, a poor boy from Kyoto coming with his family on vacation. Vacation, more like escape."

The second clause of your first sentence lacks a verb. To ad a verb to make the first and second part of that sentence two separate sentences would be lengthy. I would switch it up a little. Maybe not say where he's from point blank, but sneak the fact in, saying the capital was different from his home in Kyoto. "Vacation? This was more like an escape." You can use a single word as a question, but you have to keep your sentences complete. Verb and noun.

Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo. You might want to find some alternate vocabulary for the city. Use a descriptive word to replace it.

In your second paragraph, you use "and" too frequently. Try to make use of commas or periods. I'd also like to hear about any sounds or smells. Did it smell like an old asian attic? (like some of my beys from YJA do) Did it smell like new plastic? What about sugary treats? Use as much detail as you can to put the reader in the store.

Is Reiji's father going to play an important role in the story? A good writing technique is to only name key figures in your story. Otherwise, you'll overwelm the reader with names. Also, if it he was in a Pub, you might want to describe the smell on his father's breath and how he pieced his words together. You might want to imply that he's drunk if that is the case.

Altogether, the opening paragraph isn't very stimulating and doesn't hit the reader very hard. Not to put your story down, but a majority of the stories on this board start with a tragedy. I want to hear about the kid whose worst complaint is getting dried cereal as a desert in the lunch his mother packed and still manages to beat everyone with his bey.

Your strengths would have to be your punctuation, vocabulary, and flow. Your story does process quite well. It has a good balance of dialog and body. You do need to work on substituting proper nouns with a combination of adjectives and common nouns more often as well as using more description outside the primary sense of sight.
Chapter 2 & 3:

"but it had all been worth it in the end" - no comma
"In Reiiji's hands he held the final product; in his hand he held his Beyblade." - it's the same sentence, essentially, so keep it that way with a semi-colon

"But he knew not to celebrate yet. He had to put his blade through the final test." - don't start a sentence with but. Just ad it to the last one.

Since you're 18, I'm going to assume that you know that drunks don't storm anywhere - they fall, stagger, or stumble.

After reading chapter two, you shouldn't give Reiji's father a name unless you want to make him seem really distant from Reiji. If your aim is to make it impersonal, you should switch "Daddy" with "Father".

How does a very important person such as the director know a non-blader like Reiji by first name?

Also, immigration is taken pretty seriously in any democratic society. I'd suggest that you change the officer from jeopardizing his job by endangering a minor and being insubordinate to the law to careless enough to be distracted by a conversation with either a female or another officer while Reiji runs away before they could secure him in a vehicle. If Beyblade is his dream, he'll do whatever it takes for that tournament.

Wow, you give the best critiques ever! Gasp
Mar. 01, 2011  10:02 PM
 
So I've read up to Sayoko's battle. I have to say, it's a catchy story.

It's really confusing to keep up with the names and dialog. You don't always mention who is saying what so I have to reread it several times, read forward, and then play a guessing game. For us "gaijin", it's probably best that you keep the names to a minimum and refer to them by appearance, role, or attitude unless you plan on recycling characters. Relating to using words/names, you should work on expanding your use of synonyms. Count how many times you've used "friction" in Sayoko's battle.

You should probably go more into the physical performance of Reiji's blade. You do describe your opponent's bey extremely well, but not so much on Reiji's. He has pins for a bottom, right? Should go into how that helps it win. By the way, why hasn't it needed repairs by now? It takes a lot of damage.

Sayoko's blade listens to her because of a bitbeast, but Reiji can control how it dodges? Is that really any different?

Ah, now I hope homelessness (or residentially challenged as I've heard it called) is something you know nothing about. You should go into how Reiji's clothes smell by now. Since he doesn't have a bathroom either, he'd have a faint smell of urine and must. His hair would be greasy, too. A kid his age wouldn't sleep on a sidewalk. The only people who smell on the sidewalk are those with nothing to lose and who can fight. Reiji is prey. In his situation, he'd probably sleep in those tubes they have in playgrounds. Something out of sight, but still familiar. About the coin situation, most of the time people will let someone who looks homeless slide on the exact amount.

Really look forward to reading more.

(Feb. 28, 2011  10:09 PM)RinAK212 Wrote: Wow, you give the best critiques ever! Gasp
It would be so much better if I could only notate each line in red pen. Uncertain
Mar. 01, 2011  11:52 PM
 
^you mean annotate, right? Maybe a PDF of it? But that would be quite nice.
Mar. 02, 2011  12:37 AM
 
Yeah, if only I had a computer that had more than 256mb of RAM
Mar. 05, 2011  3:13 AM
 
Hi. I just wanted to say that this story is awesome!
Mar. 05, 2011  3:13 AM
 
Hi. I just wanted to say that this story is awesome!
Mar. 05, 2011  2:37 PM
 
i know that you might not accept these characters, but the first versions are without a bit beast
Name: Izuma Inzori
BeyBlade: starts with: Silent Ninja MSBSCH85 RHF/RS, final form is: Silent Samurai MKSCH85 WRHF/RWD

BeyBlade description:
Face: A shuriken in the middle, between two kantanas and the writing SAMURAI for Silent Samurai and NINJA for Silent Ninja (color: all decals black on silver background)
Silent: think of Lightning with the multi hit mode (renamed Rapid Strike mode) as thick shurikens, and upper mode (renamed Slice mode) as a kantana (color: un-painted)
Samurai: think of Kerbecs + L-Drago I with the 'rings' as shurikens and the dragon heads as kantanas (color; silver)
Ninja: same as Samurai except that the dragon heads are shaped like kunai (color: silver)
MKSCH85: Metal Kantana Spring Change Height 8.5mm – 11.0mm, same as MSBSCH85 except that the Shuriken Blade is changed with 4 kantanas (color: translucent silver for the plastic, un-painted metal for the “blades”)
MSBSCH85: Metal Shuriken Blade Spring Change Height 8.5mm-11mm, think of CH120 with an external shell resembling a shuriken made of metal, when lose, MSBSCH85 can bounce due to the spring within the core of MSBSCH85.
RHF/RS: Rubber Hole Flat / Rubber Sharp (can change during combat at Izuma’s command)
WRHF/RWD: Wide Rubber Hole Flat / Rubber Wide Defense (can change during combat at Izuma’s command (color: translucent silver for plastic, black for the rubber))
Super Attacks:
Level 1: “Silent death,” Silent Samurai disappears and hits opponent with a million kunai and shuriken and kantanas
Level 2: “100 Slices of The Samurais’’,” the Metal Shuriken shell on MSBSCH85 swells and smashes the opponent’s bey 100 times, on the 99th time, Silent Ninja halts and circles the stadium 10 times, cheating a black hurricane that flips the opposing bey out of the stadium with a insanely powerful smash from Silent Samurai.
Level 3: N/A
Level X: “Infinite Blade” Samurai appears and slices at the opponent’s bey with such speed and power that the opposing bey instantly stops and flies out of the stadium 10 meters away, breaking it in half. (Last resort, can only be used three times in a year!)
Team attack 1: “Hydro Kantana Blitz”: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: Narwhale lifts Samurai, Samurai creates a kantana and Narwhale adds high pressure water jets to it, they attack together, while Samurai slices with the kantana, narwhale flips and uses water jets to grind the opponent’s clear wheel, and increase its spin velocity, causing the opponent’s bey to completely stop by Narwhale’s grind or get KOed by Samurai’s attack
Team attack 2: “Electric Kantana Dive”: Team attack with Electric Berserker: Berserker goes around Samurai as a shield while circling the stadium (like the moon is Berserker, earth is Samurai and the centre of the stadium id the sun) and then Samurai shoots up in the sky, descending with Samurai spinning a kantana charged with lightning and Berserker keeping the opponent bey in one spot by surrounding it with a electric fence
Team attack 3: “Magma Kantana Dive”: Team attack with Magma Saurian: Refer to “Electric Kantana Dive” team attack with Berserker’s parts replaced by Saurian
Team attack X: “Inzori Finale”: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack” without any opposition

BeyBlade Type: Attack/Defense
Spin Direction: Left
Character bio:
Gender: Male
Clothes: Black Armani Exchange T-Shirt with black GUESS jeans and a silver cloak with black flames (cloak is based on Minato from NARUTO) clothes all the time
Black hair, Chinese origin, oldest of 4 children
Caries twin Kantanas everywhere.
Team rank: Leader
Attitude: helpful and cool, he has to keep a critical eye on his twin sister, Sonai so that she doesn’t go out of control with her short temper, his classmates (except for Sonai) are jealous of him. When he promises something, you can guarantee that he will keep his promise unless it has anything to do with murder or theft. Keeps his younger brothers in line every day so that they don’t drive Sonai crazy.
Age: 17 years as of February 27, 2011

Name: Sonai Inzori
BeyBlade: begins with: Pre-HWS Narwhale CH120 PD, and ends with: Hydro Narwhale XDFCH110 EPWD/PD
Type: Stamina
BeyBlade description:
Face: For both Narwhales, two narwhales next to each other with a wave and the writing Narwhale on the bottom. (Color: the narwhales: sliver, the wave: light blue, the writing: silver, the background: medium dark blue)
Hydro: imagine the Pre-HWS Virgo except the lobes are wave like. (Un-colored)
(Metal wheel) Narwhale: 4 Narwhales in a circle with a wave pattern on the bottom
(Clear wheel) Narwhale: two Narwhales in a circle. (Translucent blue)
XDFCH110: eXtreme Down Force Change Height 11.0mm- 13.5mm, basically a CH110 with the external shell as a super wide DF that works in both spin directions. (Translucent blue)
EPWD/PD: Eternal Polish Wide Defense/Polish Defense, PD with a voice controlled shaft aligned in PD’s notches, wielding a free spinning PWD (Translucent blue)
Super Attacks:
Level 1: “ Hydro Turbo Boost”: Narwhale creates a water typhoon complimenting its team members spin or itself spin, thus increasing the bey affected by the water typhoon spin velocity.
Level 2: “Hydro Cannon”: Narwhale creates a huge water typhoon in the playing area and sends it at the opponent’s bey, sending it flying repeatedly so that Narwhale’s extreme stamina can be used to outlast the opponent’s bey.
Level 3: “Flying Hydro Narwhale Cannon”: Hydro Narwhale hovers in the air because on XDFCH110 and creates a water Narwhale to ram the opponent’s bey.
Level X: “Hydro Horn”: Narwhale appears and creates a high pressure water jet in the shape of a Narwhale’s horn and Stabs the opponent’s bey breaking it in half, or KOing in instantly
Team Attacks:
Team attack 1: “Hydro Kantana Blitz”: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Hydro Narwhale lifts Silent Samurai, Samurai creates a Kantana and Narwhale adds high pressure water jets to it, and then they attack together, while Samurai slices with the kantana, narwhale flips and uses Hydro to grind the opponent’s clear wheel, causing the opponent’s bey to completely stop by Narwhale’s grind or get KOed by Samurai’s attack
Team attack 2: “Hydro Shock”: Team attack with Electric Berserker: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: First, Narwhale soaks the opposing beys with water, then Berserker zaps them, after that, Narwhale creates a water typhoon that Berserker charges with electricity
Team attack 3: “Rock Strike”: Team attack with Magma Saurian: Narwhale fills the stadium with at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opposing beys in rock, defenseless against a water/magma spear strike.
Team attack X: “Inzori Finale”: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack” without any opposition
Spin Direction: L/R
Character bio:
Gender: Female
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that her cloak is blue with silver flames.
Caries a special Touch Screen Repair Computer, TSRC, and tools for bey repairs
Rank in Team: repairer. (Technician)
Black hair, Chinese origin, and 2nd oldest of 4 children
Attitude: very reckless, and has a short temper, her twin brother, Izuma, does all that he can do to make sure she doesn’t go out of control with her rage and short temper doesn’t get the worst of her, her classmates (except for Izuma) are jealous of her. When she promises something, you can guarantee that she will keep her promise unless it has anything to do with murder or theft. She can get very angry with her 2 younger brothers, she respects Inzori as the greatest beyblader of all time
She is Izuma’s twin sister
Age: 17 as of February 27, 2011
Name: Hatachi Inzori
BeyBlade: begins with: Static Zerker LB135 ELRF final form: Electric Berserker BXBCH135 EMCLRF
Beyblade type: Attack
BeyBlade Discription:
Face: A sword with electricity coming out of it and the writing BERSERKER or ZERKER on the bottom. (Color: the sword: Silver, everything else: yellow on a black background)
Electric: Looks like a metal wheel with 4 lengthened protrusions in the shape of thunderbolts. (Slightly overhangs the track like Rock does (color: silver))
Static: same as Electric but it only has 3 protrusions
Berserker: 4 very large swords in a circle. (Color: translucent light yellow)
Zerker: 3 swords in a circle. (Color: translucent dark yellow)
BXBCH135: Bending eXtreme Blades Change Height 13.5mm – 16.0mm, basically a CH___ with 4 large Blades that can bend at Hatachi’s command during battle.
LB135: Lightning Blade 13.5mm, 3 lightning like blades facing outward.
ELRF: Eternal Left Rubber Flat, a free spinning RF.
EMCLRF: Eternal Metal Coated Left Rubber Flat, combine Metal Flat, Rubber Flat, and Eternal___ and CS, a free spinning LRF with a Metal Coat around it. (The metal coat is raised by 2mm from the Left Rubber Flat)
Super attacks:
Level 1: “Static Shield”: a shield of electricity that causes the opponent’s bey to gain static electricity and stick to other unwanted friction causing things.
Level 2: “Lightning Horn Ramp”: a Horn with a smooth slope made of electricity rams the opponent bey and “slopes” it out of the stadium if it hits.
Level 3: “Electric Blade Typhoon”: a electric typhoon with electric Berserker Blades popping out every where to hit the opposing bey.
Level X: “Electric Berserker Blade”: Electric Berserker’s version of Samurai’s Infinite Blade except that the sword is made of electricity.
Team attacks:
Team attack 1: “Hydro Shock”: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: First, Narwhale soaks the opposing beys with water, then Berserker zaps them, after that, Narwhale creates a water typhoon that Berserker charges with electricity.
Team attack 2: “Lightning Kantana Dive”: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Berserker goes around Samurai as a shield while circling the stadium (like the moon is Berserker, earth is Samurai and the centre of the stadium id the sun) and then Samurai shoots up in the sky, descending with Samurai spinning a kantana charged with lightning and Berserker keeping the opponent bey in one spot by surrounding it with a electric fence.
Team attack 3: “Lava/Lightning Trap Grind”: Team attack with Magma Saurian: (possibly the silliest tag-team attack ever) Saurian makes a wall of lava in the shape of [and Berserker creates a wall that looks like], then they trap the opposing beys in between the two walls like this[], then make the wall look like ll, thus creating friction to halt the trapped beys to a complete stop
Team attack X: “Inzori Finale”: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack” without any opposition
Spin direction: Left
Character bio:
Gender: male
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that his cloak is black with yellow thunderbolts, and wears repair goggles.
Black hair, Chinese origin, and 3rd of 4 children
Carries a special touch screen analyzer computer that can scan beys and create strategies according to the opponent’s bey parts and battle strategies for each of the team’s members
Team rank: Tactician
Attitude: a Bey strategist, caring and intelligent.
Age: 14 years old as of March 8, 2011
Name: Rez Inzori
Beyblade: first bey: Inferno Dino BD145 RS ___ final bey: Magma Saurian XGBCH160 RDS
BeyBlade Description:
Face: A T-Red head blowing Flame and the writing DINO on the bottom for Inferno Dino/A T-Rex head with Magma trickling down the side and the writing SAURIAN on the bottom for Magma Saurian. (Color: Brown T-Rex head, red flames/magma, & gold DINO/SAURIAN)
Inferno: the Hasbro Pre-HWS HWS version of SGTO (red and brown)
Magma: Metal version of Heat with rubber in the gaps. (Rubber: red, metal: un-colored)
Dino: a T-Rex in a circle (the T-Rex: brown, the background or other plastic: red)
Saurian: ripples of lava in a circle. (Color: translucent red)
BD145: Hell Kerbecs’ Track. (Translucent red)
XGBCH160: eXtreme Gravity Bowl Change Height 16.0mm – 18.5mm, cross of CH___ and GB145, 4 metal balls on the shell of CH___, the plastic is arranged in a 4 pronged star.
RS: Rubber Sharp. (Color: translucent red, rubber: red)
RDS: Rubber Defense Sharp, a DS made of rubber (Color: red rubber and translucent red for the plastic parts)
Super attacks:
Level 1: “Lava Shield”: Saurian creates a wall of Lava around it to protect it from attacks.
Level 2: “Lava Wipeout”: Saurian creates a wave of lava to cover its opponents.
Level X: “Volcano Grave”: Saurian suddenly starts circling the stadium and creates a miniature un-erupted volcano in the middle of the stadium, then when the opponent’s bey is in the volcano’s crater, the volcano explodes, sending the opponent’s bey flying.
Team attacks:
Team attack 1: Magma Kantana Strike: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Refer to “Electric Kantana Dive” team attack with Berserker’s parts replaced by Saurian
Team attack 2: “Lava/Lightning Trap Grind” (possibly the silliest tag-team attack ever) : Team attack with Electric Berserker: Saurian makes a wall of lava in the shape of [and Berserker creates a wall that looks like], then they trap the opposing beys in between the two walls like this[], then make the wall look like ll, thus creating friction to halt the trapped beys to a complete stop

Team attack 3: Rock Strike: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: Narwhale fills the stadium with at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opposing beys in rock, defenseless against a water/magma spear strike.
Team attack X: “Inzori Finale”: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack” without any opposition
Character bio:
Gender: male
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that his cloak is silver with red flames.
Black hair, Chinese origin, and the youngest of 4 children
Team rank: Attack absorber (the shield)
Attitude: very humorous, liked by everyone.
Mar. 05, 2011  2:49 PM
 
wow great stories you have nightwolf7919, now how many episodes you make now nightwolf7919?
Mar. 06, 2011  12:48 AM
 
(Mar. 05, 2011  2:37 PM)Dracovianauis Wrote: Super Attacks:
Level 1: “Silent death,” Silent Samurai disappears and hits opponent with a million kunai and shuriken and kantanas
Level 2: “100 Slices of The Samurais’’,” the Metal Shuriken shell on MSBSCH85 swells and smashes the opponent’s bey 100 times, on the 99th time, Silent Ninja halts and circles the stadium 10 times, cheating a black hurricane that flips the opposing bey out of the stadium with a insanely powerful smash from Silent Samurai.
Level 3: N/A
Level X: “Infinite Blade” Samurai appears and slices at the opponent’s bey with such speed and power that the opposing bey instantly stops and flies out of the stadium 10 meters away, breaking it in half. (Last resort, can only be used three times in a year!)
Team attack 1: “Hydro Kantana Blitz”: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: Narwhale lifts Samurai, Samurai creates a kantana and Narwhale adds high pressure water jets to it, they attack together, while Samurai slices with the kantana, narwhale flips and uses water jets to grind the opponent’s clear wheel, and increase its spin velocity, causing the opponent’s bey to completely stop by Narwhale’s grind or get KOed by Samurai’s attack
Team attack 2: “Electric Kantana Dive”: Team attack with Electric Berserker: Berserker goes around Samurai as a shield while circling the stadium (like the moon is Berserker, earth is Samurai and the centre of the stadium id the sun) and then Samurai shoots up in the sky, descending with Samurai spinning a kantana charged with lightning and Berserker keeping the opponent bey in one spot by surrounding it with a electric fence
Team attack 3: “Magma Kantana Dive”: Team attack with Magma Saurian: Refer to “Electric Kantana Dive” team attack with Berserker’s parts replaced by Saurian
Team attack X: “Inzori Finale”: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack” without any opposition

Can you say overpowered? Anyway, I might use your character but with serious modifications

(Mar. 05, 2011  2:49 PM)Raihan Wrote: wow great stories you have nightwolf7919, now how many episodes you make now nightwolf7919?

10 episodes I believe, with more on the way, just having a bit of a hiatus is all
Mar. 06, 2011  12:53 AM
 
owerppwered is a real yes, yoi can change all the s attaxks but please leave the tacks and bottoms a lone pls , lol
Mar. 10, 2011  12:44 AM
 
wen ya goin 2 post the nxt story?
Apr. 17, 2011  7:44 PM
 
NVM this. My posts keep comeing up twice...
Apr. 17, 2011  7:44 PM
 
Name-Kyru
Beyblade-Upper Dragon HV145C3 Dragon has two dragons circleing the outside of the energy ring. Upper is a Fusion Wheel that has two long slopes the provide upper attack. HoVer 145 has 4 long propellers that can Upper dragon can change the tilt of them to ether push air upwards to stay on the stadium floor or push air down and make Upper dragon fly. C3 is a tip that can ether be an MS, B or RF (Sorry if this is over powered)
Age-10
Apearence-Tall, Friendly kid that loves to beyblade. Usually wears ether jeans or sweatpants and a blue T-Shirt..
Special Move-Sky Smash Dragon Gets under the opponent`s bey and Makes HoVer 145 push air down and carries the bey upwards and lets it fall.(Again sorry if it`s over-powered)
May. 16, 2011  2:35 AM
 
Everyone, listen up and listen up good. I've been gone for quite a while, and for those of you who think I've given up, I HAVEN'T! My school is endings in June, so expect a story before then. I have a rough draft planned, and I am ready to show you what I have been working on for the past 3 months or so. I'm trying to account for all the changes and improvements that Dekailo and Ga suggested, so hang in there. Reiiji is back and so am I so get ready for Legends!
May. 16, 2011  10:58 AM
 
Sweet, Awesome!
May. 17, 2011  5:17 AM
 
Name:Kyotsu
Bey:Basalt Libra GB145MS
Special moveConfusedpin depleation, When his bey slows down too much or things are looking bad he can tie the battle (a mist appears and when the mist passes the beys are both there motoinless)
Appearience:A red blazer suit ,short brown hair ,cargo pants ,and a blue jacket
AWESOME STORY
11/10 starts bro
May. 17, 2011  10:45 PM
 
/b/ump?
May. 17, 2011  11:35 PM
 
(May. 17, 2011  5:17 AM)~The Game~ Wrote: 11/10 starts bro

Thank you, but its not that perfect. And for those of you who used to follow my story, the promised day is... FRIDAY

So keep your eyes peeled on Friday for episode 11
May. 18, 2011  12:48 AM
 
If possible, it would be good if you could include one of my original characters in your story. I am liking your fanfiction a lot; it's very engaging and draws the reader in. Great use of description and language and well-developed characters too. It will be interesting to watch it all unfold.

Name: Hinaka Hayashi

Age: 16

Gender: Female

Personality: Extroverted, strong-willed, always looks out for her friends, feels guilt when she's not to blame, clumsy, caring, cautious, empathetic, good listener, worries too much.

Appearance: Long wavy tresses the colour of rich mahogany frame her pale oval-shaped face and fall into eyes the colour of the sky after a storm, spilling over her round shoulders and down her spine to end at her small waist. Her attire, consisting of a knee-length skirt, camisole, and lapelled jacket emphasise her wide hips and full bust, making her appear surprisingly developed for her age. Yet her slight stature and naivety causes others to perceive her as younger than she is at times.

Beyblade: Eternity Pardus E120RF. The Face is a leopard. The Track is 120 and the Bottom is Rubber Flat. The Clear Wheel is Pardus (purple scythe-shaped protrusions) and the Metal Wheel is Eternity (light blue which rims the CW in the same shape as the protrusions but is thicker and heavier, ending in razor-sharp, curved points) .

Special Moves: Shining Oblivion - the opponent is engulfed and trapped by blinding iridescence which removes all thought and feeling and dulls the senses; the opposing blade is unable to perform a Special Move as the existence of such an ability has been forgotten (these inabilities only occur in this instance of forgetfulness and as such will be reversed when the effect wears off), Trascendental Slash - Pardus' velocity increases so that it vanishes briefly; its speed is such that it transcends the time and space of its location and reaches a higher plane of existence, hence why it cannot be sensed nor seen as it lashes the opposing blade with lightning-fast, sweeping strokes. This is powerful attack but its main flaw is that it can affect Pardus' stability and spin speed due to the fact that it expends a copious amount of energy.
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