World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade Alchemist (TAKING 3 Charecter REQUESTS)

Jul. 22, 2011  9:56 PM
 
NOTE: Im picky on charecters. Don't be offended if I decline yours.

Chapter 1 Discover Yourself
I'm a tall, brown haired geek. My hair flows to the side. I'm Edward and I am an Alchemist.

It's monday. I'm in the usual situation. Pizza flying into my pants and getting that nasty old milk down my throat. Today felt different. I felt anger In me. I drew the usual Alchemist shape on my hand. I fought back for a little then shot thunder out of my hand. I shot incoming food. While they were caught off their feet I took this moment for my help. "LET IT RIP!" I screamed. Someone copyed me. Our beys collided. "GO! CRYSTAL LEONE!" I screamed. "GOOOO! FLY WOLF!" my opponet screamed. My Crystal Leone is a little stronger and knocked Fly Wolf out of the stadium. He reavealed hisself with his mouth wide open. I'm one of the strongest bladers on the team...after our leader of course. You are accepted. Follow me." He said. He knew I was confused. "We will talk...just follow me." He sighed.
Jul. 22, 2011  10:03 PM
 
Umm... Kind of un-original. I mean, you could've made it 'The Beyblade Alchemist' instead. Edward the Full Beyblade Alchemist? Really? You changed one word in the name. Also, is Ed getting bullied? I really can't tell...
Jul. 22, 2011  10:10 PM
 
Yeah and I didnt have time to think of a better name and I like the name Edward but I'll change the title. Thanks for the response.
Jul. 22, 2011  10:18 PM
 
Character Request-
Name: Roy Mustang!
Beyblade: Burn Blaze TH170 CS
Alchemy: Fire!

I dunno. Just being weird... If you like FMA you should know the character well.
Jul. 22, 2011  10:21 PM
 
Belive it or not...ACCEPTED! I hope you don't mind but Im going to change the Roy to Mel. (NOT AL)
Jul. 22, 2011  10:23 PM
 
Request
NameConfusedoul Miyuki
Bey:Blizzard Gryphon T125EF
Alchemy:ice
Jul. 22, 2011  10:27 PM
 
(Jul. 22, 2011  10:23 PM)LibraEagle Wrote: Request
NameConfusedoul
Bey:Blizzard Gryphon T125EF
Alchemy:ice

Please make a last name and If i like the last name then it will be accepted
Jul. 22, 2011  10:30 PM
 
(Jul. 22, 2011  10:27 PM)Fyurity Wrote:
(Jul. 22, 2011  10:23 PM)LibraEagle Wrote: Request
NameConfusedoul
Bey:Blizzard Gryphon T125EF
Alchemy:ice

Please make a last name and If i like the last name then it will be accepted

How's Miyuki?
Jul. 22, 2011  11:36 PM
 
sounds good...on the maybe if you see it then its accepted.
Jul. 23, 2011  1:28 AM
 
(Jul. 22, 2011  11:36 PM)Fyurity Wrote: sounds good...on the maybe if you see it then its accepted.

see what?
Jul. 23, 2011  1:36 AM
 
can u put me in
bey:magiic griffin 230MWD metal wide defense
name:bob hendereson
type:magic
Jul. 23, 2011  1:41 AM
 
(Jul. 23, 2011  1:36 AM)sasuke41915 Wrote: can u put me in
bey:magiic griffin 230MWD metal wide defense
name:bob hendereson
type:magic

I already took gryphon
Jul. 23, 2011  1:43 AM
 
Sasuke- Magic isn't a type of alchemy.
Jul. 23, 2011  2:21 AM
 
Hm ok uh @ LibraEagle Acepted looking for a female now
Jul. 23, 2011  3:24 AM
 
You have some tense errors in this. The first three sentences are in present tense and the rest is in past tense. Also, try to vary your sentence beginnings. You started four sentences in a row with the word "I". Change up the way that you start your sentences so that it makes it more interesting for readers and less repetitive. You should also start a new line every time that you have a new speaker.

Lastly, you should work on your descriptions. You never described the setting that the characters were in at all. This makes it almost impossible for readers to know where anything is taking place. You also never describe any character other than the main character. If you don't tell us what the character looks like, we can't really get as good of a reading experience from the story. Finally, you never described the beyblades. Based on the title, the story is going to be a lot about beyblades, yet you never told us what any of the beyblades looked like or what parts they were made up of. If you are going to make up a beyblade, the least that you can do is tell us what it looks like. Work on these things and the story should get even better. I wish you the best of luck!
Jul. 23, 2011  4:57 AM
 
Hey thanks! Anything to improve my story ! Grin
Jul. 23, 2011  5:02 AM
 
Needs to be longer, but it's ok. And it knida needs to be more descriptive
Jul. 23, 2011  5:19 AM
 
I'm trying to end it so i have more chapters. I change scens a lot. But thanks for the feedback!
Jul. 24, 2011  3:23 AM
 
There was pizza in his pants, flying thunderbolts aimed at unsuspecting food items, and then...beyblade? Was this guy dropped on his head as a child?

Ok, so being more serious, a review!

Confusion: What...the heck...is going on?! Explain things! What's happening in the story? Was he at a pizza parlor?

Description: Except for the opening sentence, there is no description. Make sure you have that, it's important!
Jul. 24, 2011  8:39 PM
 
yeah i got most of that...review later XD it'll be better
Jul. 24, 2011  8:39 PM
 
I'm working on chapter 2. With more details! If there is anything I need to do just speak up now!