World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Bey story- The story of the forgotten bey constellation- Chameleon's Challenge

Jun. 14, 2012  12:53 PM
 
(This is my first story so cut me some slack here)

Chapter 1

"All right Chameleon show them what your can do." My Counter Chameleon smashed into Ray Lynx and sent it flying off the sidewalk in the park and back to Alecia "Wow Nathan, you certaintly have gotten way stronger" Meet Alecia my long time friend and secret crush, don't tell her but I have been in love with her since elementary school. I think it has to do with her name which means of noble kind. Whoops forgot to introduce myself. I'm Nathan and I've been living in this town since I've was born. I am the only person to own the forgotten constellation bey Chameleon. My friend (could be girlfriend if I had the heart to tell her how I feel) and I are going to win as much as we can by entering the world tournament representing Germany (yes I know Big Bang Bladers had a German representative in the E.U team, but this one branches out more)."Nathan, you slowpoke. We are going to miss the representation battle, stop daydreaming and come on" That's my girl, I shake my head and everything falls back into place "Oh uh, wait up Alecia"

[So that's the first chapter. I am currently allowing character requests. You can't have a representative team with only two members. Oh and if you don't make it in time,Il just stick ya as a rep for another team. And I will only allow constructed criticized posts that help me make it better. Anyway best of luck to all].

Name: (This should be an easy one)

Bey: (Your characters bey, try to make it unique like Nathan's and Alecia's.

Bio: (What has happened to your character up to this point and how they could be significant to the story)

Personality: (What their like, are they hyper active or just a mellow go with the flow kind of person (note, these are not choices, you can do whatever you want) )
Jun. 24, 2012  5:52 AM
 
[I am aware I spelled Alicia wroung in the first chapter but I fixed it in the second, oh and I will be naming the chapters fron now on]

Chapter 2- First Round Of The Representative Battle And A Strange Visitor

'Guten Tag everybody and welcome to the representative competition for our German team in the World Championships 2.0" the German (and home team) DJ yelled "We will be starting this off with our first battle, Nathen VS. Dexter" Nathan and a brown haired kid in a lab coat walked up to the stadium "Their is no way you can be my Evil Pisces" Dexter called "Yea, like thats going to happen. You have never seen anything like my Counter Chameleon" "Put down that rucksack of yours because the battles about to begin" The DJ said "3...2...1" "Let It Rip" we both yelled "Go Chameleon, Invisable Mirror Slam" Chameleon dissapered "Waaa, where did it go?" "Dude, have you seen a Chameleon disappear? Their almost impossible to find, like their" He pointed just as CC (Counter Chameleon) appeared and slamed into Pisces and sent it out of the stadium "Das End" the Dj yellped "Thats it, the winner is Nathen and his very rare bey Counter Chameleon". Over the cheer of the fans, in the far end of the stands someone in the shadows smiled "So this is the power of the chameleon constellation huh, well their not as strong as us, are they my dear Earth Grus" The white bird with spread wings on his silvery white bey glinted.

[Well thats t for the 2nd chapter. How did you like that ending? Im still accepting character requests so send them in. This offer will not be up for long]

Name: (This should be an easy one)

Bey: (Your characters bey, try to make it unique like Nathan's and Alicia.)

Bio: (What has happened to your character up to this point and how they could be significant to the story)

Personality: (What their like, are they hyper active or just a mellow go with the flow kind of person (note, these are not choices, you can do whatever you want) )
Jun. 24, 2012  1:50 PM
 
[Why wont anybody comment on my story? It can't be that bad is it? Oh, and I apologize in advance for the typos ]

Chapter 3- The Mysterious Crane Bey

"After the excitement of the first battle, I cant sit still so lets get right into the 2nd battle. Its Norman VS. Albion" Norman, a kid in jeans and a maroon jacket came up. Then out of the shadows came a man with a white trenchcoat with a black bird marking on his back and white pants and shoes "Uh, I don't know how you got past us but this tournament is for kids only. So that makes Norman our automatic...." "Wait a moment good sir, I just want to show you what I can do" "Ok, let me see. If Norman dosent object you can have a battle" Norman shook his head "Well ok then, lets see it, 3...2...1" "Lets It Rip" they yelled. As the two beys landed into the stadium Nathan got a good look at Albion's pure white Bey. "Wow that's even more rare then mine. Its a Soaring Grus 234B" The Crane bey shimmered and then like white lightning it slammed into Norman's Rock Wolf and slammed it into the wall. "Done, the battles over. Albion's Soaring Grus wins it, oh but you go on Norman. Since this is not an official battle you can continue" Albion just smirked and walked away "Who is that man?" Nathan wondered "And what does he want?"

[So, you just met the antagonist of the story, what do you think? Leave comments]
Jun. 24, 2012  9:20 PM
 
I'll comment


Dialogue needs 1 line like this:
I was walking down the street. I see my friend, Bob.
"Hey Bob," I say.
"Hey John," He replies.
I continue walking.
Jun. 24, 2012  11:06 PM
 
Just chapter two for now, sorry:
1. Their≠there≠they're
2. Confusing start; explain more
3. Add more descriptions of expressions and emotions.
4. Add more to the action! Really describe the two beyblades smashing into each other and whatnot else.

Sorry for being blunt, I'm at work and posting from my iPhone.
Jun. 24, 2012  11:30 PM
 
Yeah, this story really isn't starting out so well, and for many of the reasons Sparta listed above, all of what he said, really. Those their's, there's, and they'res are really screwing you up. The start, I really didn't understand. No description of emotions (as Sparta said), and really, the battles are boring. Maybe you should improve on that...

Here's my character:

Name: Ya-Shun Frei (Male)

Bey: Basalt Cancer 230RB

Bio: Has been blading for 2 years. He is especially good, and has won several small tournaments in his hometown of Seoul, South Korea. He has definite skills...

Personality: Wears Jeans, an Orange Shirt, White Shoes, and wears sunglasses. All crowds like him. Tends to stay silent and walk away after a loss, and waves to the crowd after a win...
Jun. 25, 2012  12:53 AM
 
good story. my character:
name: Brenard
bey: Hyper Lacerta WA130 LRF
bio: a 14 year old blader that's been battling sence he could talk. He is the best blader in his state of New York USA. his skill is a perfect match of Nathan's but is his spirit? i guess we'll find out...
personallity: Alway's wear's only black and uses his beyblading skill for evil. this blader is consumed in dark power. in battle you should always watch out for his dark move: spirit destroyer.
Jun. 25, 2012  9:57 AM
 
This story needs better formating, but otherwise, it's great! Smile Character request time:

Name - Silence Nafalia (female)

Bey - Midnight Tempo 90WD

Special Moves - Lunar Time Blade, Eternal Crescent Hand

Appearance - Long maroon hair, black eyes, milky white skin, wears a black dress and purple flats...

Personality - She is quiet, dark, and mysterious. She refuses to battle anyone who despises the weak. She loves children and hates those who shun them.
Jun. 26, 2012  1:45 AM
 
[Thanks for the help, im new so Im not so good at this. Oh and Silence (Fakir) and Ya-Shun (Deft) , you will appear in this. Who will win is up to me, I will make it like they were in the tournament from the very begining]

Chapter 4- The Final Battles Begin

Nathen was watching the battles intently
"Their not so bad, they might be good teamates here"
"The final battle of the first round of the representation tournament is about to begin, the first blader is Silence Nafalia and her Midnight Tempo versus Ya-Shun Frei and her Basalt Cancer. Both Bladers are ready so here we go, 3...2...1..."
"LET IT RIP"
"Tempo chase her down" Silence ordered
"Not if I dont stop you, Special Move Super Crab Crush"
The crab like Bey glowed a light red and two beams in the shape of crab claws and smashed into Tempo, bouncing it back
"Were not going to take a weak attack like that, Special Move Eternal Crescent Hand"
Tempo then then went into the middle of the red, black, and yellow stadium and glowed a faint silver and a hour hand like thing protruded out of the bey and blocked Cancer from moving.
"You like that?. It will keep your bey from moving intil it runs out of stamina" Silence called
"Yes, Yes I do. But that wont keep it from moving"
"Huh? What are you talking about?
He then noticed that Cancer was slowly creeping forward
"Shoot, this is not good, I have to stop with Special Move Lunar Dial Dash"
Tempo glowed again and then disappeared
"Where he go"
"He's right their"
Tempo reappeared and slammed into Cancer sending it spiraling out of the stadium and got stuck in the wall"
"There we go ladys and gentalmen, our first winner and team rep is Silence Nafalia and Midnight Tempo"

[Ok so our first rep is Silence, keep sending in changes I need. And Alicia will battle a special person next chapter]







Jun. 26, 2012  3:09 AM
 
Name: Ryan Pongal (Male)13 years old

Bey: Vulcan Blaze DF145XF

Bio: He was a 4 time world champion but hates the popratize
Changed his name to Ryan to aviod the crowd gives Nathan a bey upgrade

Personality: Very Kind And Stays in the shadows 3rd protaginist excelent blader

Also what does Nathan look like or how old is he?
Jun. 26, 2012  4:16 AM
 
i think your story has potential, you need to elaborate more on pretty much everything though, chapter 4 was the best out of them so far. but i have character for you. Grin
Name: Emerson Ward

Bey: Basalt Jailer S130 EWD

Bio: Having growing up in solitude, his father was a warden at one of Russia's top prisons. His father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he gave Emerson Basalt Jailer at age 8, two years later, his father passed away and Emerson is now the warden. Being rich due to the family business of prisons, he started to practice with Jailer. On his travels across the world trying to find an excellent blader such as himself, though he never found one, he stumbled upon Nathan and friends at the World Beyblade Championships 2.0. He didn't participate from his lack of being outgoing. (after the rounds, he gos and talks to Nathan).

Personality: Keeps to himself. Hates talking about his family. Extremely nice and cheerful unless someone messes with his friends or people talk about their opinions and they argue about it. Very fair, he accepts and respects everyone, even if he doesn't like them. Honest & loyal. His bey, Jailer, is the best defense bey known in the world, having never lost by a ring out. He has no tolerance for cheating. He doesn't battle often, but when he does, it's very violent and... explosive. Jailer's avatar is a Gladiator with shackles on his feet, Armed with a sword in one hand and a hook and chain in the other. Jailer's energy ring is mostly circular, with two gates on opposite sides with cell bars in between them. It's a dark blue. Emerson dresses in formal clothes, slacks and a sweater vest. Black hair, hazel eyes. about 5' 8''.

I think that's enough details ;D
Jun. 26, 2012  4:36 AM
 
NameConfusedhino Shinobi
beyConfusedhinobi jaguar SW145 S2D, He is a very strong blader.
Bio: His parents was American and japanese with his father sick and his mom overworking and his older brother was a world class blader but he was sent to japan
because of his uncle but will try to fufill his brother wish by being the Num 1 blader.
Personality:Arrogant and cocky and ruthless in his battles but kind at heart but dislike his uncle
Clothing:He had Black Boots,black pants,Blue Coat and a plain black T shirt with brown spiky hair and brown eyes with tan skin
He is part of the american team
Jun. 26, 2012  4:37 AM
 
Name: Len Miyoki (male)

Bey: Diablo Kerbecs bd145CS

Bio: His parents disowned him at age 8, only giving him his bey. Len is more or less evil, or a pyscho path really. He doesn't actually smile, it's more of a wicked grin. Every time he wins a battle he steals the power out of the opposing bey (Rago up in here).

Personality: basically every thing mentioned above.

Appearance: Short white messed up hair that covers the eyes. Black button down, dark blue tie, Black jeans, and black boots, not to get racist, but call his skin color tanish or white.
Jun. 26, 2012  6:25 AM
 
Not a bad comic, indeed. Ive made plenty but this one rocks my world! It almost seems real! In anycase, here's my idea.

BOOOM!
Blader Kai: And thats a rap!
Blader: Darn...I thought Lactera had this...
Me: Yeah! Nice one, Rex! I knew you'd come through!
Meet Asura (Me). He is a great blader and champion at his home town.
???: Thats the way to do it bro!
Now meet his adopted brother, Sato.
Long ago, an "accident" happened and Sato's parents were killed, or at least dissapered.
He was alone and depressed until Asura came along daydreaming about his soon to be beyblade. Asura saw Sato crying and said "Hey there dude, why thhe river?" Sato answers with "Because im a helpless tool who let his parents die." Asura replys with " Dude, just because something held you back one time doesnt mean it has to hold you back everyday. Its time to move on and tell yourself you can do it." Asura later took him in, gave him is hbey!and his new home!
Sato's bey is Chaos Corvus, Zero G if u want.
Asura's bey is Rex, havnt really come up with a full name yet.

Thats about it. PM me for questions
Jun. 26, 2012  9:33 AM
 
Chapter 4 was very good! You portrayed a nice battle! Silence won and became a representative! Woo hoo! Oh, but, my name isn't Fakir, it's Duck. *cough*I'mgonnakillwhoevercallsmeFakiragain*cough* Gotta change that signature...
Jun. 26, 2012  3:05 PM
 
Please Duck do'nt kill me, I have so much to live for, btw for those who asked it was so stupid of me not to have a description of Nathan. He is a blader fascinated about unique and rare beys. He was super excited when he got his Counter Chameleon. As for his look, he has blonde hair with shining blue eyes. He wears a brown jacket with the WBBA logo on the back that he got as a gift from his dad who works in the German branch of the WBBA and black pants and shoes. Unfortunantly I can not guarantee a spot for everyone on the team. You all know the rules (I hope) 3 normal members, a sub, and a mechanic to help fix of the beys. No chapters this post (no room lol) but next post will. Oh and im having trouble thinking up a team name. Do you have any ideas?

Chapter 5- The 2nd and 3rd Normal Members Members

"The battles to decide the 2nd member of the team is next, and it's Alicia's turn. I hope she does alright" Nathan thought
"Its finally time, the 2nd member for the German team will be decided. Its Alicia Van Horn and her Ray Lynx vs. Len Miyoki and his Diablo Kerbecs. Lets get this started, 3...2...1..."
"LET IT RIP" they said together
"Lynx, Polar Cat Ripper"
"This Lynx is different from other beys" Len thought "Could it be a Canadian Lynx Bey?"
Lynx slammed crashed into Kerbecs and started a thrashing of attacks
"Were not going to take this, Underworld Crusher"
Kerbecs rose high into the air and with a yellowis blinding light and aimed right for Lynx
But that would not happen because Lynx simply moved out of the way and because Jerbecs was unable to stop it the dog of Hades hit the stadium and got itself stuck and stopped moving
"With a weird turn of events Alicia Van Horn and her Ray Lynx are the victors. They will be joining Silence and Midnight Tempo as representatives for Germany while Len will be a sub member"

[ZW Note: Sorry about this. The computer was glitching out and I couldnt continue the chapter until today (6/27/12]

"The next battle will be Nathan Hail vs. Emerson Ward"
"Emerson is that you? I havent seen you in ages buddy"
"You bet its me and I will beat you and finaly show you what it is to be a blader"
[ZW Note: Nathan and Emerson have an old (friendly) rivalry going on]
"Sounds like their ready so here here we go, 3..."
"2..." Nathan said
"1..." responded Emersion
"LET IT RIP" everybody (including the fans) yelled
"Chameleon, Ilusion Jump"
CC (Counter Chameleon if you remeber that il abreveate it) mabe copys of itself and started spinning around Basalt Jailer and sent it into avortex
"Still can't keep up with me can you, old friend"
"This is not like before, this will not happen again, Containment Lockdown"
Jailer spun around one of the Counter Chameleons and made a barrier around it
"I got you now"
The Chameleon vanished
"Dam, it was a copy"
"Yup and the real one is right behind your Jailer"
"What?"
The real Chameleon hit Jailer and sent it out of the stadiujm
"Thats it, the representation battles are finaly over, Nathan will join Silence and Alicia as a normal member and Emerson will join Len as the 2nd submember to make up Team Blue Moon Omega"


Jun. 26, 2012  4:43 PM
 
Good story so far
Jun. 26, 2012  6:48 PM
 
When are you going to continue this story huh?
Jun. 26, 2012  7:59 PM
 
I think I'm going to make my own fan fiction with Emerson's adventures up until he meets nathan...
Jun. 27, 2012  9:17 AM
 
bnut if you dont accept emerson, ill just continue the story
Jun. 27, 2012  9:45 AM
 
(Jun. 26, 2012  3:05 PM)Zurafas Wall Wrote: Please Duck do'nt kill me, I have so much to live for, Oh and im having trouble thinking up a team name. Do you have any ideas?

I was just kidding! Tongue_out Apology accepted! What about, 'The Dark Tale'? I dunno, it was just a thought...
Jun. 27, 2012  6:49 PM
 
Hey everbody its me, I finished Chapter 5. Their were some problems with my computer so I did'nt get to finish until now. "We want to see it, we want to see it" you say, its on the first page.

TTFN

Zurafa's Wall[/u]
Jun. 27, 2012  6:59 PM
 
(Jun. 26, 2012  3:05 PM)Zurafas Wall Wrote: btw for those who asked it was so stupid of me not to have a description of Nathan. He is a blader fascinated about unique and rare beys. He was super excited when he got his Counter Chameleon. As for his look, he has blonde hair with shining blue eyes. He wears a brown jacket with the WBBA logo on the back that he got as a gift from his dad who works in the German branch of the WBBA and black pants and shoes.
Why wouldn't you include this description in the story?
Why post it here but not add it into your writing?...It doesn't make sense to me. If you're writing a story, you usually add the descriptions into the text and not in an authors note...
Just my opinion. Anyways, not bad. Cut back on some of the extraneous dialogue and make sure to include cliff-hangers and drama. Drama is a writers friend.
Jun. 28, 2012  12:52 PM
 
[We meet the Russian team]

Chapter 6- Around The World In 80 Posts (pun on around the world in 80 days, of course in will be shorter"

"I can't believe we will be able to travel around the world" said Emerson
"I can't believe we will be able beyblade around the world" replied Nathan
"Do you two even have any idea where we are going?" asked Alicia "I got a list from the German DJ, were going to Moscow to battle the Russian team first"
"Great, I just got into Germany and now I have to go back to Russia" yelled Emerson
"May I have your attention please, the flight from Berlin, Germany to Moscow, Russia is now boarding"
"That must be us" said Nathan, ignoring what Emerson just said


1 LONG PLANE RIDE LATER

"Welcome to Moscow foreign friends" said a voice as they were leaving the terminal
A young man with dark neck cut brown hair and bright blue eyes wearing blue jeans and a blue, red, and white jacket with an open collar and a silver necklace came up to them
"Im Anastas, leader of Team Chervonets. My Bey is Thermal Aries. And this is my sister, Halina" he said pointing to the long black haired girl who had ocean green eyes and wore a dark green dress with gold trim who was walking up to them
"Hello, it's so nice to meet you" she said in a low voice
"Do'nt underestimate her just because of her looks" whispered Anastas "Her Burn Leon will rip you to pieces. Now where is that troublesome brother of mine, ah their you are Maksim" a boy of about 12 years old wearing a white short sleeved shirt with red trim and grey shorts appeard
"Its so great to meet you, whats your team name? What are YOUR names, what kind of beys do you....'
But before he could say any more Anastas covered his mouth
"Maksim can be a rambler but he means well, so does his Storm Delphinus. Were family, we look after each other. Anyway we'll lead to your room. I probably shouldn't say this but good luck Team Blue Moon Omega" he said cheerfuly closing the door behind them

The German representatives could do nothing but stare

[So that's the Russian team, the first official round of the championship will start next chapter. After meeting the Russian team, I bet you can't wait for more can you?]
Jun. 28, 2012  2:27 PM
 
Why do I feel this is based on my story....
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