World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

A New Race

Poll: Rate!

*
28.57%
4
**
7.14%
1
***
14.29%
2
****
21.43%
3
*****
28.57%
4
Total: 100% 14 vote(s)
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  • Show Results
Jul. 30, 2011  2:04 AM
 
Contains some cursing and mention of God.

Chapter 1:
As I walked to Economics II, something felt, different. I'd walked this way a million times, but it was taking way too long today. When Mr. Asheburn's room came into sight, I heard the fearful screams of my classmates. "Click". The door slowly creaked open, revealing a gruesome scene of death and destruction. Then the catalysts stepped out. They were two men, about twenty-nine, both wearing Italian suits. They both took a step towards me, then one said "I almost felt sorry for them back there.".
Jul. 30, 2011  4:51 AM
 
This is a pretty good story, good job, I would love it if you could pm me the story so that I can read it and maybe I could give you Ideas on it.(not saying that it needs Wink just an idea)
Jul. 30, 2011  4:55 AM
 
its a little short and needs to be more descriptive. but it has great potential
Jul. 30, 2011  4:57 AM
 
I think it just a small part of the story not the whole thing, but it could be longer so that way you can get an idea of what its about
Jul. 30, 2011  7:26 AM
 
Is this about beyblade?
Do you take character requests?
Pritty good.Could become very populer, with the right care and effort
Jul. 30, 2011  11:53 AM
 
No and no. I discovered the terrors of requests recently, and I do not want to do it again. I will extend the first part once I get my 3DS back. Stupid PS3 won't let me type more. Thanks guys!
Aug. 01, 2011  12:59 AM
 
Chapter 1, Part Two:
I stood completely still, frozen with fear. I instinctively reached for my pocket knife, foolishly thinking I could fight these monsters. As I swung my knife at the taller one's neck, his companion stepped in my way. Three feet of deadly iron suddenly appeared in his hand, blocking my knife. He then punched me in the gut, causing me to bend over in agony. He continued the pain by kneeing me in the face.

The taller one, also holding a sword, stood over my sprawled out body, saying "I guess he isn't one of us after all.". He preceded to raise his blade, point the tip at me, and thrust downward. I closed my eyes, knowing it was over. But it wasn't.


Please rate and comment!
Aug. 02, 2011  1:01 AM
 
Thanks for voting guys! Could you guys that gave me one star tell me what's wrong? I just want to improve.
Aug. 06, 2011  2:58 AM
 
The next part should be up tomorrow! Please vote AND comment.
Aug. 06, 2011  3:00 AM
 
I really like what you've written so far, and the storyline seems very interesting. I'm looking forward to reading more of this, and also looking forward to the next chapter.
Aug. 06, 2011  3:02 AM
 
Pretty good, but short.

Also, he brings a pocket knife to school?
Aug. 07, 2011  3:38 PM
 
NoodooSoup-Bad area. He isn't a "Model Student". Thanks!
Aug. 08, 2011  6:00 AM
 
This is pretty good. Nice job! "froven with fear" Don't you mean frozen?
Aug. 08, 2011  9:20 AM
 
You might want to update ur OP as u update ur story as so its easy to read. Right now its to short to rate. BTW why do u need 3DS or PS3. just use ur computer....
Aug. 08, 2011  12:30 PM
 
I'm grounded from my pc. FOR LIFE.
@BP-I'll be right on that.
Aug. 08, 2011  1:12 PM
 
Way to short to be considered chapters. Just take your time and make it longer. Especially given the fact that they are so short means that things like 'froven in fear' shouldn't be in there. This just shows that you have put no real time into this.
Aug. 09, 2011  12:17 AM
 
(Aug. 08, 2011  1:12 PM)RowDog Wrote: Way to short to be considered chapters. Just take your time and make it longer. Especially given the fact that they are so short means that things like 'froven in fear' shouldn't be in there. This just shows that you have put no real time into this.

I typed this on my PS3, which only lets me type, more or less, one paragraph. Could you please comment on the actual story, not just the length and one grammar mistake?
Aug. 09, 2011  11:45 PM
 
Just fixed some things. I'm hoping to get the next part up tonight.
Aug. 10, 2011  1:14 PM
 
It can't be considered a story if it isn't the right length. If you can't do that much do it on a computer. The fact that there is a grammar mistake in that little amount of text mean you have not even bothered to edit that much. There isn't enough depth in these chapters and a story cannot be developed. Your on your PS3? not an excuse. Wait until you get on a computer and don't feed us carp.
Aug. 10, 2011  11:42 PM
 
I know the story itself isn't very developed, but what about the description and the idea? You know, that kind of stuff.
Aug. 11, 2011  9:19 AM
 
To be honest it is pretty good but the fact that it is too short there isn't enough there to think wow. If you had four lengthy paragraphs with this in it, it would be a great story. Just make a page worth of writing and I will give a new opinion.
Aug. 11, 2011  11:54 AM
 
OK, so it still has hope. Yeah, this weekend I should have a much longer chapter 2.