+- World Beyblade Organization (https://worldbeyblade.org)
+-- Forum: Off-Topic Forums (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Off-Topic-Forums)
+--- Forum: Your Creations (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Your-Creations)
+--- Thread: A New Race (/Thread-A-New-Race)
A New Race - TITAN - Jul. 30, 2011
Contains some cursing and mention of God.
Chapter 1:
As I walked to Economics II, something felt, different. I'd walked this way a million times, but it was taking way too long today. When Mr. Asheburn's room came into sight, I heard the fearful screams of my classmates. "Click". The door slowly creaked open, revealing a gruesome scene of death and destruction. Then the catalysts stepped out. They were two men, about twenty-nine, both wearing Italian suits. They both took a step towards me, then one said "I almost felt sorry for them back there.".
RE: A New Race - drakio - Jul. 30, 2011
This is a pretty good story, good job, I would love it if you could pm me the story so that I can read it and maybe I could give you Ideas on it.(not saying that it needs
just an idea)
RE: A New Race - BeyCenter - Jul. 30, 2011
its a little short and needs to be more descriptive. but it has great potential
RE: A New Race - drakio - Jul. 30, 2011
I think it just a small part of the story not the whole thing, but it could be longer so that way you can get an idea of what its about
RE: A New Race - Sparx000 - Jul. 30, 2011
Is this about beyblade?
Do you take character requests?
Pritty good.Could become very populer, with the right care and effort
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Jul. 30, 2011
No and no. I discovered the terrors of requests recently, and I do not want to do it again. I will extend the first part once I get my 3DS back. Stupid PS3 won't let me type more. Thanks guys!
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 01, 2011
Chapter 1, Part Two:
I stood completely still, frozen with fear. I instinctively reached for my pocket knife, foolishly thinking I could fight these monsters. As I swung my knife at the taller one's neck, his companion stepped in my way. Three feet of deadly iron suddenly appeared in his hand, blocking my knife. He then punched me in the gut, causing me to bend over in agony. He continued the pain by kneeing me in the face.
The taller one, also holding a sword, stood over my sprawled out body, saying "I guess he isn't one of us after all.". He preceded to raise his blade, point the tip at me, and thrust downward. I closed my eyes, knowing it was over. But it wasn't.
Please rate and comment!
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 02, 2011
Thanks for voting guys! Could you guys that gave me one star tell me what's wrong? I just want to improve.
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 06, 2011
The next part should be up tomorrow! Please vote AND comment.
RE: A New Race - SwiftShadow - Aug. 06, 2011
I really like what you've written so far, and the storyline seems very interesting. I'm looking forward to reading more of this, and also looking forward to the next chapter.
RE: A New Race - NoodooSoup - Aug. 06, 2011
Pretty good, but short.
Also, he brings a pocket knife to school?
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 07, 2011
NoodooSoup-Bad area. He isn't a "Model Student". Thanks!
RE: A New Race - BeybladerPotter - Aug. 08, 2011
This is pretty good. Nice job! "froven with fear" Don't you mean frozen?
RE: A New Race - Taj12 - Aug. 08, 2011
You might want to update ur OP as u update ur story as so its easy to read. Right now its to short to rate. BTW why do u need 3DS or PS3. just use ur computer....
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 08, 2011
I'm grounded from my pc. FOR LIFE.
@BP-I'll be right on that.
RE: A New Race - RowDog - Aug. 08, 2011
Way to short to be considered chapters. Just take your time and make it longer. Especially given the fact that they are so short means that things like 'froven in fear' shouldn't be in there. This just shows that you have put no real time into this.
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 09, 2011
(Aug. 08, 2011 1:12 PM)RowDog Wrote: Way to short to be considered chapters. Just take your time and make it longer. Especially given the fact that they are so short means that things like 'froven in fear' shouldn't be in there. This just shows that you have put no real time into this.
I typed this on my PS3, which only lets me type, more or less, one paragraph. Could you please comment on the actual story, not just the length and one grammar mistake?
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 09, 2011
Just fixed some things. I'm hoping to get the next part up tonight.
RE: A New Race - RowDog - Aug. 10, 2011
It can't be considered a story if it isn't the right length. If you can't do that much do it on a computer. The fact that there is a grammar mistake in that little amount of text mean you have not even bothered to edit that much. There isn't enough depth in these chapters and a story cannot be developed. Your on your PS3? not an excuse. Wait until you get on a computer and don't feed us carp.
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 10, 2011
I know the story itself isn't very developed, but what about the description and the idea? You know, that kind of stuff.
RE: A New Race - RowDog - Aug. 11, 2011
To be honest it is pretty good but the fact that it is too short there isn't enough there to think wow. If you had four lengthy paragraphs with this in it, it would be a great story. Just make a page worth of writing and I will give a new opinion.
RE: A New Race - TITAN - Aug. 11, 2011
OK, so it still has hope. Yeah, this weekend I should have a much longer chapter 2.