CHAPITAR 1 ,GETTING STARTED PART 1 (this is my first story so don"t say nasty comments but you can give me info)


"go shadow diamonzard" said ryo (the main charictar. while training).
"thats good boy"
"weak"
"who said that"?said ryo
"im Zane"said zane proudly

Next time.
"go dead zombiria zombie mall attack" shouted zane
"its all over"said ryo.

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

This is way, way too short to be a chapter honestly. This isn't nasty, it's constructive criticism. You really, really need help with your spelling, grammar, and writing skills in general.

EDIT: And this is in the wrong forum, thus marking it for moving or closing.

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"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations. The new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new: an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook." But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist; but a great artist can come from anywhere."

-Anton Ego/Peter O'Toole (1932-2013)

Wait,isnt this suppose to be in the your creations forum?

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Follow me on Twitter: @SynthGraphics

i know but im only 9 and thx for lookin mate and its only part 1 of 5

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and don"t worry my next vid is in my crearations

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

CHAPITAR 1 ,GETTING STARTED PART 1 (this is my first story so don"t say nasty comments but you can give me info)

We see Ryo, the main protagonist, training with his bey.

"Go shadow Diamond-zard!" Said Ryo.
"That's a good bey."
"Weak."
"Who said that?"exclaimed Ryo
"I'm Zane."

Later...
"Go Zombie attack!" shouted Zane, loudly.
"It's all over..." murmured Ryo.

Here, I fixed it for you. Follow my examples. Use capitals.

Honestly, when I was 9, my grammar was as good as this. Anyway, this still could improve.

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My Signature Shop | My Beyblade Store

teh lulz (Click to View)

LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN (even though you're a woman and i am aware of it)

LET'S BATTLE SPINNING TOPS

I swear that thing was created with the sole purpose of destoying every HWS Metal Wheel known to man.

Capricorne stuff(including that targeting thing where Captain Crapri points...Unrealistic and dumb)

Welcome dude!
beware of the mods....
They're climbin in yo windows
Snatchin yo people up
Try'na warn 'em
So ya gotta hide yo kids, hide yo wife
And hide yo husband cause they warnin everybody out there.

Driger GT for $1!!! at a toys r us closing down sale a few years ago WICKED HUH!!??

WOW ! If only Driger GT actually existed as a Beyblade ...

but i was disappointed when i got my dark wolf that a red wolf did not come out of or that i could not control it

Assumptions are never good. Look what happened to 230: pages and pages filled with laugher at its height and it hit everyone with a bag of bricks harder than Harriet Tubman.

Personally, when I hear "let it rip", I automatically think of flatulating.

This.

this sucks!!!!!!!!!! the price is for ONE BEY YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can trade you dark wolf for a flame libra. ;)

and that non-beavers like nano don't accept things unless they see them with there own eyes i mean i see there point of view but not everyone lies here there are some but not alot

photobucket??? What's that?

Clearly, your friend is delusional.

thakss for the help and ill do part 2 out of 5 tommorrow

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

"Go dead zombiria zombie mall attack" shouted zane
"its all over"said ryo.
"lol"laughed riruc (the main charictars freind with a mother f****** good bey)
"you notice that sighn on top of you" he continued.
the sighn says bey tornament training here and in a small print in bombay.And sunndely a row of 20 bladers and his best freind/girlfreind moli who was a beycanic (like madoka or kenny).
when everybody started training moli gave ryo a kiss on the cheeck and whispered
"give me shadow diamonzard so i can give you deadly serpant cgf1567fq.
"thanks"he replied
"your welcome babe"she replied
"..........so let the games begin LET.....IT......RIP


part 2 of 5 has finished and part 3 of 5 will be done tomorrow

and bey requests can be done

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

Ga'Hooleone put it pretty simple on what qualifies as a chapter and what does not. I think substance needs to be actually present before you work on the next chapter.

Plus the characters appear more random even at chapter two. If not more mysterious and completely out of the blue. This is ALSO constructive, so please work them all into an actual chapter length.

the 20 beys were fierce but diamondzard was better.
"go diamondzard"shouted ryo.tacking out 5 beys.
"go zombria"said zane.tacking out 10 oppenets.
suddenly 3 beys dissipeard.
"go rhino poulivieser"said riric
"the three qualifiers are ryo,riric,zane.
"let it rip"said a mysterious voice.

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the 20 beys were fierce but diamondzard was better.
"go diamondzard"shouted ryo.tacking out 5 beys.
"go zombria"said zane.tacking out 10 oppenets.
suddenly 3 beys dissipeard.
"go rhino poulivieser"said riric
"the three qualifiers are ryo,riric,zane.
"let it rip"said a mysterious voice.

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

...My grammar was better by age 4. Really, this is TERRIBLE. Too short, no plot, and just plain BORING. Again, it's constructive, so don't get mad. I say this to all bad stories.

There is almost no description at all, just dialogue. The characters aren't described at all, and have no characteristics or personalities whatsoever. They also just appear out of nowhere and for no reason at all. They might as well just be dots of ink on a piece of paper. There is now plot at all, which means that there is nothing for the story to follow, and therefore the story has no reason for being written. If you are going to write, give it a decent story so that readers can have something to follow.

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Check out my newest stories, Lost in Darkness, and The Arsonists!

Do you like writing? Do you like to read stories? Do you like Beyblades? If the answer is yes to any of these, come visit this site! http://beybladefiction.freeforums.org/

No offense intended,

Horrible grammar
Not the best spelling
too short even if your nine, when i was nine, i would be writing a full page worth
no plot
and not much description

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well you can carp off carp

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you a retarded carp

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you a retarded carp

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ygo fan if you wanna internet dual me check my story for a ygo game online

Look I don't see if your age is an excuse anymore. If you can't right just don't right. Wait until you are older and more experienced and come back with a half decent story.

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<-SDC
Team Omega Nova!Poke-Fusion Lab!My story

Wow, you sound really mature. Not accepting constructive criticism? Sucks that you won't improve because you are too stubborn to take advice.

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"Yeah we're all going the same way down. I'm just trying to write it all down." - The Airborne Toxic Event

| Spectrum GFX Team | Beyblade: Redemption | PenPad Forums | Poké-Fusion Lab |

This is the worst story on the Your Creations forums in general. http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-A-Story-...DRACIEL-TY
Consult that thread, you'll find better things to use in it than what's laying here.

Horribleu spelling, no substance, too short, and we know not a damn thing about the characters other than their names. This is the worst story I have ever read.

This is constructive criticism, if you do not like it, you can suck it up, take it like a man, and make a better damn story.

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How do I still have 17th most posts here...?