CHAPITAR 1 ,GETTING STARTED PART 1 (this is my first story so don"t say nasty comments but you can give me info)
"go shadow diamonzard" said ryo (the main charictar. while training).
"thats good boy"
"weak"
"who said that"?said ryo
"im Zane"said zane proudly
Next time.
"go dead zombiria zombie mall attack" shouted zane
"its all over"said ryo.
This is way, way too short to be a chapter honestly. This isn't nasty, it's constructive criticism. You really, really need help with your spelling, grammar, and writing skills in general.
EDIT: And this is in the wrong forum, thus marking it for moving or closing.
Wait,isnt this suppose to be in the your creations forum?
i know but im only 9 and thx for lookin mate and its only part 1 of 5
and don"t worry my next vid is in my crearations
(Apr. 21, 2011 6:04 PM)narutro man z Wrote: [ -> ]CHAPITAR 1 ,GETTING STARTED PART 1 (this is my first story so don"t say nasty comments but you can give me info)
We see Ryo, the main protagonist, training with his bey.
"Go shadow Diamond-zard!" Said Ryo.
"That's a good bey."
"Weak."
"Who said that?"exclaimed Ryo
"I'm Zane."
Later...
"Go Zombie attack!" shouted Zane, loudly.
"It's all over..." murmured Ryo.
Here, I fixed it for you. Follow my examples. Use capitals.
Honestly, when I was 9, my grammar was as good as this. Anyway, this still could improve.
thakss for the help and ill do part 2 out of 5 tommorrow
"Go dead zombiria zombie mall attack" shouted zane
"its all over"said ryo.
"lol"laughed riruc (the main charictars freind with a mother f****** good bey)
"you notice that sighn on top of you" he continued.
the sighn says bey tornament training here and in a small print in bombay.And sunndely a row of 20 bladers and his best freind/girlfreind moli who was a beycanic (like madoka or kenny).
when everybody started training moli gave ryo a kiss on the cheeck and whispered
"give me shadow diamonzard so i can give you deadly serpant cgf1567fq.
"thanks"he replied
"your welcome babe"she replied
"..........so let the games begin LET.....IT......RIP
part 2 of 5 has finished and part 3 of 5 will be done tomorrow
and bey requests can be done
Ga'Hooleone put it pretty simple on what qualifies as a chapter and what does not. I think substance needs to be actually present before you work on the next chapter.
Plus the characters appear more random even at chapter two. If not more mysterious and completely out of the blue. This is ALSO constructive, so please work them all into an actual chapter length.
the 20 beys were fierce but diamondzard was better.
"go diamondzard"shouted ryo.tacking out 5 beys.
"go zombria"said zane.tacking out 10 oppenets.
suddenly 3 beys dissipeard.
"go rhino poulivieser"said riric
"the three qualifiers are ryo,riric,zane.
"let it rip"said a mysterious voice.
the 20 beys were fierce but diamondzard was better.
"go diamondzard"shouted ryo.tacking out 5 beys.
"go zombria"said zane.tacking out 10 oppenets.
suddenly 3 beys dissipeard.
"go rhino poulivieser"said riric
"the three qualifiers are ryo,riric,zane.
"let it rip"said a mysterious voice.
...My grammar was better by age 4. Really, this is TERRIBLE. Too short, no plot, and just plain BORING. Again, it's constructive, so don't get mad. I say this to all bad stories.
There is almost no description at all, just dialogue. The characters aren't described at all, and have no characteristics or personalities whatsoever. They also just appear out of nowhere and for no reason at all. They might as well just be dots of ink on a piece of paper. There is now plot at all, which means that there is nothing for the story to follow, and therefore the story has no reason for being written. If you are going to write, give it a decent story so that readers can have something to follow.
No offense intended,
Horrible grammar
Not the best spelling
too short even if your nine, when i was nine, i would be writing a full page worth
no plot
and not much description
well you can carp off carp
you a retarded carp
you a retarded carp
Look I don't see if your age is an excuse anymore. If you can't right just don't right. Wait until you are older and more experienced and come back with a half decent story.
Wow, you sound really mature. Not accepting constructive criticism? Sucks that you won't improve because you are too stubborn to take advice.
This is the worst story on the Your Creations forums in general.
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-A-Story-...DRACIEL-TY
Consult that thread, you'll find better things to use in it than what's laying here.
Horribleu spelling, no substance, too short, and we know not a damn thing about the characters other than their names. This is the worst story I have ever read.
This is constructive criticism, if you do not like it, you can suck it up, take it like a man, and make a better damn story.