Chapter1: "Battle me" the strange man in the dark cloak seemed to come out of the shadows."Battle me"the strange man repeated. "O-okay"I stamered as my trembling hands hooked up my bey, twisted Jupiter 105 RF, to my launcher.3 2 1 GO SHOOT! My mouth went slack as I saw his bey Ldrago guardian 145 WD, I had heard legends but have never seen it, let alone battled it. "Who are you?" I stammered. " Your worst nightmare"As he said that Ldrago started delivering powerful attacks to Jupiter! Sparks flew everywhere, I was actually putting up a fight! "Dont be so sure of yourself kid, NOW LDRAGO!" Ldrago charged around the stadium, darkness following it. We clashed together, but just as it looked he could not break my defense, Jupiter started to slow. "What's happening!" I screamed! "Ldrago is stealing your power, Ldrago will take all of your power piece by piece." Just as the mysterious figure said that Ldrago sped around the stadium, delivering one, last, fatal blow to Jupiter. The last thing I saw was Jupiter flying through the air and hitting a rock. I fell to my knees, and everything went black.

" Ryan, Ryan!" I awoke to my mom calling my name, looking scared to death. "What happened." I moaned. " We heard you scream at the bey park and rushed over as fast as we could. You were lying on the ground, and a strange man said that you fought well, but lost. The man seemed to fade into the shadows and we brought you home, you have been out for five days." The events of the battle played in my mind, then it hit me. I bolted up in my bed. 'Where's Twisted Jupiter!!!" I shreiked. "It has suffered some minor injuries, it will be fine, go back to bed." I tried to resist sinking into my bed, but my mom pushed me in. "Now go to sleep" She turned of the lights and locked me in. I lay in bed, but I had no intention of sleeping. I would find Twisted Jupiter and train until I was strong enough to beat the strange man, then I would defeat him. I sliped out my window and into the night...

If you like my piece I will write more, like it by rating this thread five stars. Post your advice and/or feedback.

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

I think it needs new bey names and more lengthened chapters. You should definitely rename the beys in a way that they were not named in the anime. example- flame aries 145B.

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Signature was too large, read the rules.

I agree with CrownClown make it your own, make the chapters longer and, remember not to take character requests and you'll be fine.

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Thank's Blood for the cool sig!

Thanks for the advice! But I have to keep Ldrago guardian and Twisted Tempo, it is essential to the story, but I will be sure to change the bottoms.

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

Bump.

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

grammar and paragraphs .you need lots of these.stop using the word and so much as well.

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Credit to Ryu-X for awesome sig.
DEATH QUETZALCOATL WILL POUND YOU!

What is "the word?" Type it. Nothing got turned into "carp"

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

the word is and

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Credit to Ryu-X for awesome sig.
DEATH QUETZALCOATL WILL POUND YOU!

i agree with all the above, it need s new names and longer chapters

Thanks for the advice! But I cannot change the name Ldrago guardian. I can make twisted something else though, and I will fuse chapter one and two together.

EDIT: Now how do you like my bey names and legth of chapters?

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

it needs new names

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The quotation needs to be like this one line after another:
"Hi, Joey!" Bob shrieked.
"Hi, Bob," Joey answered.
"What do you want to do?" Bob asked.
etc...

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Thank's Blood for the cool sig!

Hah, PhantomKid stole what I usually say XD.
Anyways, you seriously need to use MS-Word, if possible...
And your story goes WAY too fast for comfort, with stuff happening out of the blue for no reason with no explanation...
And also you need to add detail to your characters, because how am I supposed to know what anyone looks like if you give absolutely no visual descriptions? (Trust me, I used to do the same thing.)
And you do need much longer chapters, don't just fuse them to make a chapter longer... Details, grammar, etc are what you need.

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Credit to DeX for this amazing signature!
Want a ok story that's readable? With actual grammar? Check out Everything Spins Into Chaos: A beyblade story
I use Hasbro beys. Because I have no acsess to TT or Sonokong beys. Hopefully that'll change soon.
~X

Use more interesting names, like Sivian or Xavier! They make the story more interesting!
Also, try coming up with your own beys! It's exciting to hear about new beys, different from the ones that already exist.

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Bump

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

You are not allowed to bump these threads. You are only allowed to bump in the buying/selling section.

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