update: im trying to make a tie-in video game series on game maker for this story series. i need someone who can make good quality made up beyblade sprites the same size as the little spinning lightning L-drago you see when you quick edit a post. if you are interested, send me a pm. im also going to start work on the next chapter and next book tomorrow.
The Legend of the beys: the lost blader- incomplete
ok, im back on this. long time huh. well I have not writen this chapter on word or anything, im just typing off the top of my head, just to get people interested in this story again, plus i really want to finnish it so i can post the sequal to it, Legend of the beys: Bey of time, witch i get to use extensive amount of time travel reverences and even the biggining of space rifts and what really happens in the past. ive been meaning to post this chapter for a long time but being the lazy person i am, i never got to it till now. so here it is:
Chapter 13: the Golden Gate opens!
The team and Twitch arrived at a temple in the Amazon, you know, like the ones you see in cartoons and stuff. Well they were kinda stuck at the door.
"Why can't we just break the door down?" ask Dracoon.
"No, the door must be oppened by the way it was meant to be opened," explained Blake, "the door is strong with bey-energy and it cannot be distoryed by anything, and there is also an alien alloy built into the door, we couldn't distroy it with anything in the world even if it didn't have the bey-energy shield." Everyone was confused on how Blake knew of an alien alloy.
"What Alien alloy? How could an ancient civilisation get their hands on an alien alloy?" asked Chloe.
"It's simple, it's the same alloy that ancient civilisations used to make legendary beys, how else could the door have a bey-energy aura," explained Blake. everyone looked satified with that answer, but Blake knew they still didn't fully understand. Blake studied the door for about 5 minutes, before seing a distinct ingrain in the door. "TWITCH! get over here."
"Here, what do you need?" asked Twitch.
"Still got that ring?" asked Blake.
"Sure, it won't come off," answered Twitch.
"Put the end in that hole," directed Blake. Twitch noticed that the circle, gem encrested end match the engravement in the door. he put it into the engravement and almost instantly, the ring came off Twitch's finger, not even knowing how it came off. the wall glowed faintly, but almost blinded Blake as the light was a strong amount of bey-energy, and the door started to rumble open. Blake soon recovered after the door was completely open.
"Ok, let's go in," said Blake. they walked down the dark corridor. when it was pitch black, Blake flicked his fingers while holding Ultra in his other hand. Blakes fingers glowed faintly and Blake tried to keep his glowing fingers away from his face as much as possible, he could see the entire corridor due to his bey-energy sensitive eyes. the soon reached a large clearing at the bottom of the temple. Blake closed his eyes, put his hands together and charged as much beyspirit he could, then releasing it by shoving his hands sideways and accidently hitting Scar on the nose. the room instantly lit up as all the torches lit up. there was a giant golden door at on the other end of the clearing with a giant golden statue of what looks like a cross between roman, egyptian and medeval armor, with a mark on the forehead of the statue that looked like a 3 headed dog's heads.
"The Golden Gate of Kerbecks, the door that holds 2 legendary beys of ultimate power, but only one can be taken as if we take the other, the guardian of the gate awakens and distroys all who are around," said Blake in awe of the room, "well, at least thats what i heard, i don't know anything about the guardian or what is behind the door, all i know is that there are deffernately 2 beys behind there and the door hasn't been open scince it was created, the seal is still there and the beys i can sence their power." Twitch, as if he were in a trance, walked to the door, with Blake following. Dracoon stoped the others from going further, saying it was for them alone to go to the door. They both reached the door and touched the door with their hands. The cold, golden door started to glow and began to warm up the room. A voice filled the room.
" The 2 chosen ones have arrived, bestow the golden face of Kerbecks in the center of the legendary Gate of Gold and select the Bey of my spirit or the Bey of the golden sun but never both!" The voice seamed to come from the statue but also from the walls. Blake pulled something gold from his pocket slowly and twisted it into a hole in the wall, witch looked like it had an engraving of a bey around it but was hard to see due to the dirt, but it became more clear as the golden screw was placed in. When fully placed in, the others noticed it was a solid gold facebolt covered in a clear coated alloy to protect it from damage. The golden door stated to glow even more, soon turning into a bliding flash of golden light, but Blake and Twitch seamed unfazed. when the light died down, the door was open and 2 beys on individual pillars looked like they havent been touched in 2000 years. both were gold coulored with solid gold black printed facebolts just like the one Blake put into the wall. One had a 3 headed dog on it's face and 3 slopes on it's metal wheel. The track under it poked through the gaps and spread around the metal wheel, witch was seamly bigger than most metal wheels the bladers were used to. the otherone was smaller and had a clear, well clear wheel on the top. It's face represented the sun. It looked an awfully lot like the beyblade they found in egypt. Blake noticed this fact instantly.
"Gold Sol Blaze, the bey of the golden sun and linked to the other sol blaze beys," said Blake, "and Hell Kerbecks, a beyblade of the legend, held by one of the legendary 3 monks."
Twitch was drawn to Hell Kerbecks, the bey with the 3 headed dog face. He walked right to it and was about to touch i before.....
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" said an evil voice that was only familiar to Blake.
well thats chapter 13. hope you guys enjoyed this long awaited chapter. sorry i couldn't get it to you guys earlier.
Chapter 13: the Golden Gate opens!
The team and Twitch arrived at a temple in the Amazon, you know, like the ones you see in cartoons and stuff. Well they were kinda stuck at the door.
"Why can't we just break the door down?" ask Dracoon.
"No, the door must be oppened by the way it was meant to be opened," explained Blake, "the door is strong with bey-energy and it cannot be distoryed by anything, and there is also an alien alloy built into the door, we couldn't distroy it with anything in the world even if it didn't have the bey-energy shield." Everyone was confused on how Blake knew of an alien alloy.
"What Alien alloy? How could an ancient civilisation get their hands on an alien alloy?" asked Chloe.
"It's simple, it's the same alloy that ancient civilisations used to make legendary beys, how else could the door have a bey-energy aura," explained Blake. everyone looked satified with that answer, but Blake knew they still didn't fully understand. Blake studied the door for about 5 minutes, before seing a distinct ingrain in the door. "TWITCH! get over here."
"Here, what do you need?" asked Twitch.
"Still got that ring?" asked Blake.
"Sure, it won't come off," answered Twitch.
"Put the end in that hole," directed Blake. Twitch noticed that the circle, gem encrested end match the engravement in the door. he put it into the engravement and almost instantly, the ring came off Twitch's finger, not even knowing how it came off. the wall glowed faintly, but almost blinded Blake as the light was a strong amount of bey-energy, and the door started to rumble open. Blake soon recovered after the door was completely open.
"Ok, let's go in," said Blake. they walked down the dark corridor. when it was pitch black, Blake flicked his fingers while holding Ultra in his other hand. Blakes fingers glowed faintly and Blake tried to keep his glowing fingers away from his face as much as possible, he could see the entire corridor due to his bey-energy sensitive eyes. the soon reached a large clearing at the bottom of the temple. Blake closed his eyes, put his hands together and charged as much beyspirit he could, then releasing it by shoving his hands sideways and accidently hitting Scar on the nose. the room instantly lit up as all the torches lit up. there was a giant golden door at on the other end of the clearing with a giant golden statue of what looks like a cross between roman, egyptian and medeval armor, with a mark on the forehead of the statue that looked like a 3 headed dog's heads.
"The Golden Gate of Kerbecks, the door that holds 2 legendary beys of ultimate power, but only one can be taken as if we take the other, the guardian of the gate awakens and distroys all who are around," said Blake in awe of the room, "well, at least thats what i heard, i don't know anything about the guardian or what is behind the door, all i know is that there are deffernately 2 beys behind there and the door hasn't been open scince it was created, the seal is still there and the beys i can sence their power." Twitch, as if he were in a trance, walked to the door, with Blake following. Dracoon stoped the others from going further, saying it was for them alone to go to the door. They both reached the door and touched the door with their hands. The cold, golden door started to glow and began to warm up the room. A voice filled the room.
" The 2 chosen ones have arrived, bestow the golden face of Kerbecks in the center of the legendary Gate of Gold and select the Bey of my spirit or the Bey of the golden sun but never both!" The voice seamed to come from the statue but also from the walls. Blake pulled something gold from his pocket slowly and twisted it into a hole in the wall, witch looked like it had an engraving of a bey around it but was hard to see due to the dirt, but it became more clear as the golden screw was placed in. When fully placed in, the others noticed it was a solid gold facebolt covered in a clear coated alloy to protect it from damage. The golden door stated to glow even more, soon turning into a bliding flash of golden light, but Blake and Twitch seamed unfazed. when the light died down, the door was open and 2 beys on individual pillars looked like they havent been touched in 2000 years. both were gold coulored with solid gold black printed facebolts just like the one Blake put into the wall. One had a 3 headed dog on it's face and 3 slopes on it's metal wheel. The track under it poked through the gaps and spread around the metal wheel, witch was seamly bigger than most metal wheels the bladers were used to. the otherone was smaller and had a clear, well clear wheel on the top. It's face represented the sun. It looked an awfully lot like the beyblade they found in egypt. Blake noticed this fact instantly.
"Gold Sol Blaze, the bey of the golden sun and linked to the other sol blaze beys," said Blake, "and Hell Kerbecks, a beyblade of the legend, held by one of the legendary 3 monks."
Twitch was drawn to Hell Kerbecks, the bey with the 3 headed dog face. He walked right to it and was about to touch i before.....
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" said an evil voice that was only familiar to Blake.
well thats chapter 13. hope you guys enjoyed this long awaited chapter. sorry i couldn't get it to you guys earlier.
Okay - I just stumbled on this thread. I'm new to this site here so forgive me if I'm out of line here. I normally read fanfics on Fanfiction.net
So I'm just looking through your fanfic, and first off, I can see a lot of grammar and spelling errors. (Distroy should be destroy etc) I seriously suggest running this through a word processor like MS word or open office, or if you type directly into the forum posts, a browser like google chrome has an inbuilt spell checker.
Another thing, this is literature, always type the number in words, as in 'three' not '3'
As for the story itself, it seems sound. I think you need a lot more character development though. Such as in Chapter 13, why does Blake know about the alien alloy? You've given us no reason to believe why he should have this information when none of the other characters do.
Even saying all that, I think that this story has a lot of potential and if you'd like some help developing it I'd be happy to give you a few pointers. I'm part of a beyblade group on deviant art and fanfiction.net and we're always looking for new fanfics and people to help out.
So I'm just looking through your fanfic, and first off, I can see a lot of grammar and spelling errors. (Distroy should be destroy etc) I seriously suggest running this through a word processor like MS word or open office, or if you type directly into the forum posts, a browser like google chrome has an inbuilt spell checker.
Another thing, this is literature, always type the number in words, as in 'three' not '3'
As for the story itself, it seems sound. I think you need a lot more character development though. Such as in Chapter 13, why does Blake know about the alien alloy? You've given us no reason to believe why he should have this information when none of the other characters do.
Even saying all that, I think that this story has a lot of potential and if you'd like some help developing it I'd be happy to give you a few pointers. I'm part of a beyblade group on deviant art and fanfiction.net and we're always looking for new fanfics and people to help out.
(Jun. 03, 2012 5:49 PM)darkened-storm Wrote: Okay - I just stumbled on this thread. I'm new to this site here so forgive me if I'm out of line here. I normally read fanfics on Fanfiction.net
So I'm just looking through your fanfic, and first off, I can see a lot of grammar and spelling errors. (Distroy should be destroy etc) I seriously suggest running this through a word processor like MS word or open office, or if you type directly into the forum posts, a browser like google chrome has an inbuilt spell checker.
Another thing, this is literature, always type the number in words, as in 'three' not '3'
As for the story itself, it seems sound. I think you need a lot more character development though. Such as in Chapter 13, why does Blake know about the alien alloy? You've given us no reason to believe why he should have this information when none of the other characters do.
Even saying all that, I think that this story has a lot of potential and if you'd like some help developing it I'd be happy to give you a few pointers. I'm part of a beyblade group on deviant art and fanfiction.net and we're always looking for new fanfics and people to help out.
Dude, this was kind of a necro post. I appreciate your desire to help writers, but make certain you check the date of the last post on a thread before you post.
![[Image: VOtj1.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/VOtj1.jpg)
finally someone with excelent advice. thank you thank you thank you. i was going to use a word document or something like that to pick out stuff like you said but i havent had the time, note that every chapter is going through a draft. on the case of the alloy thing i have 2 explinations, 1 i can explain now because it's already hinted in the story and the other is because i reveal it later, ofcause if you read the story based before this (it's really badly writen but it's mainly to give background info on the rest of the series) you can kinda guess a bit how he knows of it. the explination i can tell you is that he is extreamly high in the ranks of the organisation and knows a whole lot more than the rest do and he has his special ability, which can alow him to see bey-energy and what kind it is and help him see a whole lot of things normall people don't see. the other reason is because of the history gap of the year he has been in scince he joined the organisation, witch i cant wait to explain. i do have an acount on fanfiction.net but i havent visit it scinced i joined, ill have to get back on that. also, just so you know Fakir's Duck, i was waiting for someone like him to post, as i wanted that before i post my next chapter, witch is going to take longer as i lost the USB i had it on.
Oh, okay. Sorry 'bout that!
ok so yea this is a very very very late chapter, but i never found the usb so i rewrote the chapter. this is a chapter im entering a school writing comp with, so the ending was a bit rushed due to a 1,000 word limit, so i might extend it later. for now, just enjoy.
Spoiler (Click to View)
Wow. The spelling, grammar, and content were pretty bad in the beginning. You've improved a lot.
thank you, reading and writing alot helps, expecaly scince i started this thing during the school holidays mainly.