The Legend of the beys: the lost blader- incomplete

this is a story about a blader who lost his family in a fire with his 2 brothers in a foster home, he ran away from the house and left his brothers with the police to deal with. with his terable history he vows to make everything better with the last thing he has, a beyblade, gravity persious. to survive and reach is goal he goes all over japan on foot winning tournaments. returning to the house that caught on fire one day, he knew the fire wasn't an accident. a track of ash lead to the only wooden door outside of the house, the front.... he hasn't used his real name since the event, instead he uses the name dracoon. he hasn't lost since the fire, and wouldn't survive if he did lose. one day he bumps into a guy in a hood who drops a letter addressed to dracoon. it was an invitation. the entire story is in the spiolers below:
edit: here is a link to the story based 2 years before this story, based around how Ultra L-drago came to being: the legend of the beys
A story need rich personalities. Try making characters with different attributes:

A grumpy person
A selfish person
A mysterious person

You get the picture. Also, the more originality you have, the better it might become.
Remeber that: The story itself doesn't matter, it is how you write it that will make it intresting. Try posting some parts of your story to see feedback so you can improve it if needed.
I dont mean to offend you but please change it to blader not bladder I thought this was about peeing or something lol
thanks, so far i only have the main character and some hint of the guy who dropped the letter, i haven't wrote this down, just out of my head but it was a strong story in my head. like it was some hint of the future or something, and that was just a shortened version of the intro. and to master draciel, ok ill fix that up, i normally do 2 b's.
Name: Briel
Beblade: Green Libra 100 WB ( Green Is like rock but bigger and green ) The bey is all green.
Special Move: Green Tornado. Libra makes a green tornado turning all things green and blowing the opponent bey away.
Look: He is obssesed with green. Green hair (hair is like ginka's), Green T shirt, Green jeans, Green shoes, Green skin.
He is a very strong blader and wants to get even stronger. Found Libra when felt from the sky. He play all the time but when is time to get serius he get serius. And he is very very smart. He is good.
interesting character, ill pluck that guy somewhere. probably a friend of some sort.
(Jan. 18, 2011  1:36 AM)pikabattler Wrote: thanks, so far i only have the main character and some hint of the guy who dropped the letter, i haven't wrote this down, just out of my head but it was a strong story in my head. like it was some hint of the future or something, and that was just a shortened version of the intro.

OK, I can give you a Character:

Full Name: Chloe Jangmi
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Beyblade: Angus Flower 105RT (Right)
Description: Flower is a Fusion Wheel formed as a flower and is based on ATK. 105 low track in red and RT which standt for Rotation Tip which can make the Blade gain more speed if hit by opposite spinning beyblade also colored red.
Special ATK: Jeonbog Beullum: surrounds the field with rose leafs and will rapidly cut the opponent's blade.

Bio: Chloe means Blooming in greek and Jangmi means Rose in korean, Blooming Rose in full name. She is shy of people, mostly do things on her own so she is quite independent. Her mother owns a Rose garden which is why Chloe has been given her name. She was given Angus by her uncle which later on killed her family for some reason. Chloe's goal is to seek the reason for her Uncle's actions and bring him to justice.
that last part got me, got to do that charicter. mmm, so i now have 4 charicters on hold, one i only have a hint of. ill look at something.
first female beyblader[/size]
full name: anglea haka
gender: female
age: 12
hws beyblade: star angel 165ws (left)+ secert bey!
Description: this bey was found in a deep island. the star wheel is more like an attack type. the 165 is a really high pro. track soo thats means alittle more stam. the fs wide sharp can blance really good even when it titling down.
special move: heart attack makes the bey heart dies!!!!

bio: it was morning... anglea woke up and see took a bath and there where going on a island today to vist thier grandpa. after anglea were in island called tiki island. they had fun , they drink water, they dance, they tell stories.... and then later anglea went to a ocean to surf and then she got drowned and she cou'lt breath and then see saw a bey that was frozen and then see grab it. after she came up they went back home and sleep. the next day anglea woke up and she saw many kids beyblading the she join..... after she saw a evil guy named ginga that blew off evryone. anglea: hey get out of this town, you dont belong here, ginga:never. and then he destoryed all of those kids that were beyblading. after anglea and ginga chagllage to a beyblade battle then it was nosiy and anglea use a spcial move ..... heart attack... and he dies!!

i hope you love this story >3
That is a decent story, pikabattler. Can't really say anything that hasn't been said. Feel free to use one of my characters from Hydraes' Legacy.
i have an idea for the hooded guy...
male
15 years old
beyblade: cyber phoenix D125 HF
descripion: custom bey never lost in hands of hooded guy
special: spikes follow enemy bey, tearing apart bey on contact.
hair: black
eyes: mood colors
can't normally see his face do to hood
ok, i should tell a hint of the story to get some better characters out of this, the hooded guy works for a organization built for people who survived the mysterious fires and to figure out what happened, little do they know it's also happening outside of japan. dracoon gets offered to join and at first doesn't want to, he wants to deal with it himself, but something happens to change his mind. and to shanniechong, at first i didn't know what i was going to do with that story but i have an idea to put that into the story. can't make that ginga guy die though, or have the name ginga. i have plans for him. i can however make him unable to beyblade due to the move.
Name: Antonio Reyes
Beyblade: RF Rubber Rabbit R145 RHF/RS
Evil a 13 year old boy who doesn't know when to stop and most of the time breaks the persons bey a loner tends to sneak up on people
Wears black hoodie and blue jeans brown spiky hair
A beyblade commpletely made of rubber It is a great defense type seems like it has no flaws with metal coated in rubber as well. When beys hit it they just bounce off.
Special move:crazy hopper hops around the stadium at an extreme speed until the opponent cant see it then it hits the bey at full speed hitting it in the air and then hitting it continuasly in mid air
ok, that fits in somewhere, but i cant put too many story's and link them in one, my idea does do this but 2 story's are enough, i have a story about a team of people who break beys, and a _________ who cause fires with beys, battling an organization who try to stop both.
(Jan. 18, 2011  1:34 AM)MaStErDrAcIeL97 Wrote: I dont mean to offend you but please change it to blader not bladder I thought this was about peeing or something lol

0_0
LOL!
anyways heres a character
Name: Da (yes you read correctly, Da)
Bey: Big Daddy FA230(Fat 230)B
Big is from big mac 320YEN
Daddy is a ugly clear wheel with a bunch of pictures of chips
Fat is a super big rubber material which is softer than other rubbers released
the shape of the track is circuler
ho ho ho, i know where to put this guy. im going to write the full intro and first chapter soon.
ok im posting my first part of the story later today, i have it written down, it looks better in my head though.

edit: here is the intro and ch 1 for ya, not much different as above. i will write ch 2 tonight:
intro v2:
5 years ago, a house caught on fire. it seamed like an accident. only 2 children survived, both brothers, or so thought. another survived, in fact he saved his brothers. he ran away, not being able to bare the fate his parents faced. he had only 1 possession left, his bey gravity persious. he ran and ran from his home, parents and brothers as orphans. he was never seen again. those who knew he left called him THE LOST BLADER.

CH 1: the letter:
yet another tournament had come and gone in Tokyo and yet again it was won by a boy known as Dracoon. he was a terror at tournaments, having 5 bey-pointers just to hold all his points, 4 quets and 5 of every other prize beys of the arcade game. no one knew his real name, some say he didn't have one. he never lost a match, and he had a reason why, he had to win to survive. he normally used gravity persious 90wd. in the main hall of the tournament building Dracoon grabbed his prize and tried to leave. "hey!!" a wbba official yelled, "you forgot this." the official gave a gold galaxy pegasis, the non cash prize of the tournament. "don't want it," the 14 year old said in a deep, solid voice and left the building. as Dracoon walked down the street he bumped into a hooded man, and the man dropped an envelope. "hey you, dropped... this," his words slurred as he noticed the hooded man disappeared. Dracoon looked at the letter to see it was address to him, with his real name, Damian coondez.

How was it?
I think it was kinda short, bit that doesn't mean I didn't like it Tongue_out

I personally think that the nickname Dracoon didn't fit becuse it is way too similar to Dragoon as you know tho it is better than those nicknames that is used all the time Tongue_out_wink
I'm gonna try this(although I already sent pikablader a message to see if I can even try) but hey, if he can't put me in, that's okay
Name: Twitch
Age: 13
beyblade: Hammer Meerkat SD(superior defense)125MWB(metal wide ball)
Description:Twitch isn't necessarily his name, it's just his nickname. But twitch does twitch a lot. He seems to twitch the most when he's nervous and can't think. Which is most of the time! So basically he's be a nervous wreck. Despite that he can be a very good strategist. You can probably use his as a sidekick of some sort.
Bey Descrption: Meerkat's face bolt looks like a meerkat just standing up(no surprise their eh?). His energy ring is a light brown color with 2 small claws on the side(kind of like orsos energy ring). Hammer keeps enemies away with 2 club like rectangles on 2 different sides, kind of like vulcan but thicker and not as tall. SD 125 is basically D125 but wider and made of rubber, just adding weight. MWB as its name implies, is wide ball, but made of metal, nuff' said. Since hammer, SD125 and MWB are uber heavy compared to other parts,(weighing 45.3 grams all together) it's a defensive type
special move: 5 ton Hammer smash(not much to say here, just a charging smash with hammer, it could look flashy, doesn't matter), and ground digger(helps meerkat stand its ground by digging into the ground), these moves can't be overused though, repeatedly using them in a battle makes meerkat lose stamina fast and could end up in a self K.O.
anywho, that's it.
Kavasiki well the intro is smaller then most of my intro's i write, my normal intros go on a whole A4 page through typing. to soopha im not sure if i can put him some where but i might if i add a school scene. yes i have an idea to put him in. if i can have some more females and more bad guys then that will help.
hey heres a character request
name=shadow(its an alias,nobody knows real name,u can put in amajor plot twist where his real name is found,ur choice)
bey= mystic comet MS145(multi spin 145)SCV(spin change variable)
bey description= mystic has two modes, eternal spin and fury mode(both can spin dual spin)the track has a gear like structure inside it which loads when the bey is spinning, shadow is the only person who can use this, the tip changes form from attack to defense when shadow says.
special move right spin= antimatter world!!the other bey is made into antimatter andwhen it crashes comet it is destroyed.(antimatter and matter destroy each other,but mystic comet is both at the same time so not destroyed),shadow almost never uses this move.its his ultra mystic move kinda thing his bey's also mostly in left spin.
special move left spin=night burst, a huge amount of energy flows out from comet and stops the opponents bey instantly(except against real stong bladers.it just slows them down)
character= nothing is known about him, he just appears from nowhere and does something and dissapears again, just like his bey he is good and bad at the same time.he wears full black and a cloak .
mmm, at first i didn't know what to do with him but now it's just what i wanted. lets see. im going to finish the 2nd chapter tonight.
Heres a character!

Name: Kazemaru (Ka - zay - ma - roo) Katashiko - Friends call him Kaze (ka - zay)
Gender: Male
Beyblade: Killer Unicorno D125B
Description: He has Blue spiky hair and wears a green jacket. On the right side of his jacket at the top, he has the Unicorno facebolt. He has a little blue case strapped to his right arm - like Tsubasa - where he keeps his Killer Unicorno. He wears black shorts with a lightning bolt symbol. He is very friendly so he gains friends quickly. But when he comes to battling, he likes to completely finish his enemy. He is very skilled in blading, and when he loses, he immediately demands a rematch.
Special Moves: (Finishing Move Only) Unicorno Double Horn Strike - Unicorno speeds toward the opponant bey and knocks it out using both sides of the Killer Metal Wheel. (Yes I know it's not the best metal wheel, but you can muck stuff up in the anime, so, you know.)
i have one
name:Qir ( say: kjir)
gender: male
Bey: Metacore Decode DW145 (Down Wing) WS (Wide Sharp)
Description: purple hair one red eye little bit of an idiot
red jacket
blue shoes
black pants
note: little brother of damian