"Sword of Diamonds" (An attempt at a novel)

mind you, i wouldn't call this an attempt coz this is AMAZING
It's not perfect and it's going to need some heavy editing.
I have another suggestion, why not put a prologue explaining the legend of the sword and the dragoon warrior? the title of your story so far doesn't link up with what you have, and that can be a little confusing without a prologue
It's not meant to be clear right away. The title is also temporary. Besides, it's only chapter one.
(Jul. 28, 2011  2:34 PM)Terra Blazer Wrote: the title of your story so far doesn't link up with what you have, and that can be a little confusing without a prologue

So? In Timeline by Michael Crichton, the title didn't make sense until roughly 150 pages in. What's that got to do with anything?

Also, maybe you could show a little more, later in the story, his obsession with possession? Does it have anything to do with "the path of a villain" you mentioned in the OP? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy. Just wondering, ya know?
His obsession in possession could be contributed to the implications that he has no interactions with living beings so he sees everything as an object. As you can tell, he shares no animosity toward anything he does objectify and only harbors hatred for other beings. From this, you can further infer that he has lived this way quite some time and this detest for others grew of some earlier events in his life.

If any of you have actually socialized with a homeless person, you will find that they hoard odd items and twist their worth into something more. They also may be possessive of certain locations. From what I can tell, these tendencies spawn from mistrust of others. You can rely on the inanimate because they don't have emotion or actions so they can't betray you, unlike the living.

For example, I once knew of a lady named Faith who was thoroughly convinced that the pounds of pebbles she would collect were actually diamonds.

Actually, the path of a villain isn't until extremely late in the story.
Quite excellently written, Dei. I'm a poor critic, but it was an excellent read. The pacing is good, unlike many stories here which rush into action, and I appreciate not having the standard "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I LOOK LIKE" start-of-story character description.

Too good for this forum IMO, 'tis very professional. Sorry my critique cannot match the obvious effort of the work. There is too little to criticise, ahah Smile
I was hoping for your opinion on the character development since you're big in psychology. If you read through the comments, you'll see what I was going for.
Keep writing, I don't consciously assess these things, but FWIW, I liked the character and basically everything you've been going for has been met. I'm sorry I can't say more than that, as I said, I hadn't consciously considered it. TBH, I like to have more to base my opinions on Wink
What!? Why in the world didn't you write before?
This is the first 'story' I read on this forum. All other things I read, were just some beyblade stories with a changed plot. I myself wrote one, but when I thought that I am now all ready for contributing to other important Beyblade related threads, I stopped writing it.
Getting back on topic, this is one amazing story, and I have no words to be able to describe it. It seemed as if I was reading through the pages of the most beautiful narrative ever... To be honest, I never thought that 'experienced' members could write well. I mean, you people are so busy with tourneys, new releases, and everything else, that I can hardly believe that people like you could have enough time to be able to write such a beautiful story. Hats off!
I updated the OP with a portion of chapter two, which will end up being a lot larger than chapter one. I put chapter one in a spoiler so reading through everything won't be so much of a headache.
Ooh, intrigue. He can lift the sword of The Dragoon? I mean, that was kind of expected, but still a nice twist. Not much more I have to say, except good job. And that I'm betting he goes on some kind of adventure. *plays Pokémon music*

As an afterthought, you do a pretty good jobs with metaphors (or similes? Or analogies? I can't remember the word...). They describe what's going on in his mind, as well as the actual world.
It's not a matter of lifting it out of the stone, but more of nobody can even pick it off the ground, which creates problems later on. Yup! Adventure! He's got to run away now since he just "stole" something valuable.

Thanks! Grin