World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: "Sword of Diamonds" (An attempt at a novel)
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I've actually been working on this since I was about 12 or 13. It's about a destined hero who turns his back on all the love in his life for the path of a villain. This is half of chapter one because I'm too lazy to type up the rest at the moment.

Before you guys say anything, I want to say that by Dragoon, I mean Dragon Warrior, not bitbeast. This has nothing to do with Beyblade. As a matter of fact, Dragoon references has been made many times outside of Beyblade in other franchises.

All that aside, tell me what you think! I'm not looking for "omg this is awesome!!!!" Please give me some constructive feedback or questions regarding content, not "character requests" or release times... because there will be no character requests.


Chapter One

Chapter Two

You'd think a place with so many valuables would bother to lock their front door. I guess the clergy of The Dragoon's temple have either a very forgetful caretaker or way too much faith in people.

After creeping in through the towering doorway, I meandered about the hall. The zenith of the pillars were shrouded in what remained of the night's black haze. From wwhat I could make out, the architecture was immaculate. The light of dawn began to shoot through the colored glass windows. Streams of red, blue, and green trickled over tge glossy, mahogany pews. The gem lined ceiling captured the light, revealing a fierce dragon, masked by images of storm clouds, blazing fire, lush earth, and raging seas.

Step by step, I wandered toward the alter. This was definitely an improvement over my home. I certainly didn't have red velvet walls or an azure stone terrace! The filth that coated my feet fled to the soft carpet that led to the alter. My vision did not remain forward, but instead dodged about the artwork of stone that I had entered. I pet each of the finished wood seats as I passed them. The cool stone steps of the center piece sent a chill through my body.

Before me stood a statue of a man with a serpant-like dragon weaved around his limbs. He was adorned in scaled armor that mimicked the accompanying creature's traits. His grin was confident and his hair was long and fringed. In his hand he held a sword, firmly planted to the ground. Unlike he and his slithering companion, this sword was not of stone; it was genuine.

As hard as I tried, I could not get a glipse of the letters encrested on its handle. The warrior's hands were clutching it tightly. The only solution was to break them off. That weapon was to be mine, regardless of the barbaric measures I must take to claim it.

I scanned the temple for a long, blunt object to smash the man's hold. Not too far off, I discovered a golden fountain. It was just more than waist high with a narrow pit at its peek which contained a small pool of liquid. As I came to it, I peered into the bowl to study my reflection. The grease of my black, unkept hair shown brightly against my sullied profile. I cupped my hands together and lifted the fluid to my face, running my moist fingers over my eyebrows which were thickened with sand. As the ripples faded, I saw my jaded green eyes. What has become of me?

Maybe I was fixating too much on my stunning good looks so I opted to press on. I lifted the fountain, twisted my body in a rapid motion, and hurled the sparkling treasure toward the warrior behind me. Liquid showered over us both as it clashed, but it did not free the sword. I dashed toward my tool, picked it up, and plummeted his grip relentlessly. It wasn't very long before it showed wear. With a rotation of my weapon, I slammed the edge of the fountain against a nearly formed crack in my foe's grip. His hand shattered and his fingertips clattered as they hit the ground.

The sword was still wedged in the azure stone. I kneeled to study the handle. Red velvet strands were wound about it like twin snakes choking their prey. In the gold letters against the velvet was a name that was all too familiar, just as the hooded man said it would be, but what struck me most was the blade. It was made entirely of a queer cyan crystal.

"What are you doing?" a feminine voice echoed about the hall. Swiftly, I rose to my feet and shifted toward the entrance to see the girl from yesterday pacing toward me, bow drawn and hand already making its way to the quiver. At this moment, I studied her to ensure that her appearance never escaped me again. She wore a plain light leather tabard with dark leather trim. It complemented her long, ash brown hair. Her bangs came just before her cold, but sharp amber eyes, which continued to glare at me as if inviting death upon me.

"You're a guardian?" I asked. I wasn't going to let her take control of the situation this time.

"And your end, thief," she added. I grew angered by her accusations.

"I'm not a thief!" Juicy, succulent peaches flashed through my mind. "Alright, alright, but it's not what it looks like."

"Oh really? Because it looks like breaking, entering, and stealing The Dragoon's sword to me."

"If it's really his sword, then why does it have my name on it?" I yanked the sword out of the floor and tossed it onto the carpet of the isle before her. She stopped it with her leather hide boot. I smirked at the shocked expression on her face which was formally stern. She looked up from the sword to my smug mug as if I owed her some kind of an explanation.

"How did you lift that?"

"What do you mean? I mean, I don't know how weak this second guy is, but that was cake." I chuckled. My stomach churned.

She shot me a puzzled look for a moment. I could only assume she was trying to figure me out.

"Second? What are you talking about?" She asked at me as if I was a complete idiot.

The sound of rolling thunder flooded the distant corridors of the shrine. No way! Thunder couldn't be indoors. As it grew louder, shouts jeered with it. It was not the crying of the skies, but the sound of hurried footsteps. This girl was not my persuer. I wanted to hear what she had to say, but this was neither the time nor the place. I snatched the hilt of the sword with my left hand and held tightly to the girl's wrist with my right. If I wanted answers, I'd have to take them both with me.

"Let go, knave!" She exclaimed, struggling to break free, but to no avail.

"Come on," I started. "I know a way out." I dragged her to the far right of the room and pressed my body against an enormous painting of a floating castle that hung on the wall. The painting gave into my weight and gifted us an escape down a dreary path. Once we climbed in, I closed the secret decorated door behind us to cover our tracks. The girl still attempted to resist my grip.

"You idiot, I don't want to escape. I'll have you know the Velar do not take kindly to thievary and kidnapping." She protested. I pulled her closer and interrigated her very seriously.

"How did they know I was here?"

"Why should I tell you?" A sneer sprouted on her face. Not that I cared. I threw her hand out of my hold, lifted one of the torches that lit the path from its place, and ventured a few steps into the darkness.

"Back out now if you want," I looked back at her from over my shoulder with a smile, "but good luck taking me down if you do."
Hmm... this is a very well-written story. However, there were a few things that were unclear to me. The first is I thought the main character was a girl until the confrontation with the thugs. Perhaps you could be a bit more defining in the beginning, but that was only my perception. The second is that you don't have any real indication of how old your protagonist is. My guess is somewhere between 18 and 22.

That said, you have what I believe to be a promising main character. The story is compelling as well. Now, looking at it from a business standpoint, I believe it would sell well.

Just my thoughts on the first part of the first chapter. I truly look forward to seeing more.
This... is great! The tone and pace of the writing is just right for that brief synopsis you gave. The idea is just great, and if this ever gets to print, I would most certainly buy it (and not just because it is by Deikailo). My only critiques would be what Odin said. Keep Writing!
there is an amazing description of just about everything in this story, but I caught a few typos. read it over again
(Jun. 02, 2011  9:22 PM)Odin Wrote: [ -> ]Hmm... this is a very well-written story. However, there were a few things that were unclear to me. The first is I thought the main character was a girl until the confrontation with the thugs. Perhaps you could be a bit more defining in the beginning, but that was only my perception. The second is that you don't have any real indication of how old your protagonist is. My guess is somewhere between 18 and 22.

That said, you have what I believe to be a promising main character. The story is compelling as well. Now, looking at it from a business standpoint, I believe it would sell well.

Just my thoughts on the first part of the first chapter. I truly look forward to seeing more.
It's only half of the first chapter. I haven't had a chance to go into how he's a part of a different race in a different world so he really cannot have a specific age, but he is in his late youth, yes. Because it's in the first person perspective, I can't exactly have him declare his name and gender because nobody does that without introduction, haha.

(Jun. 02, 2011  10:59 PM)Terra Blazer Wrote: [ -> ]there is an amazing description of just about everything in this story, but I caught a few typos. read it over again
I was actually just typing it up from my journal. It's still a rough copy. I want to write up a few more chapters before I go back and correct anything.

I really appreciate how you guys went straight to the mentality that I wanted to mass produce this. That's possibly the biggest complement that you can give me! Smile
This is an amazing story. I have not read a piece of fiction this good in a long time. I don't have any suggestions, mainly because I'm not a very good writer. I look forward to reading the next part of the chapter.
(Jun. 02, 2011  7:22 PM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]Carpin' long chapter
I'm really exited to see you write a story, Dekailo. You're always leaving great critism on my stories, and you seemed to know what you're doing. This proves it!

But I digress, on to the review:
*I'm glad to see someone using actual description in their story. Having said that, too much can also be detrimental to your story. Try to chop it up, or even use a little less. A good example would be the very first sentence of your story. I liked how you started off with that description, but it may have been a little too heavy. I'd suggest only describing the sun, rather than trying to write about the citizens too. However, it's really good that you didn't carry it on over multiple sentences. A good rule of thumb for any writer is that a description for anything that has little or no importance to the plot should only be one sentence.

*I find it interesting that your main character in this story contradicts himself- or rather corrects himself like I just did. After reading the description about how he changes paths, I believe him doing this could be considered sort of a foreshadow. Was that what you were aiming for?

*Occasionally, but not often, your writing is choppy. I probably don't need to say this to you, as you have been doing so, but try to use sentences as transitions to new scenes.

*The character development of...whoever this guy is, is coming along well. He seems to be teetering along a few different personalities, which will play into his transformation later in the story.

You have a very nice set up here, and I would like to see how this plays out. Your writing style is very different than mine, but is much better Smile. If you want to mass produce this-I'm being as honest as possible here- I don't think you'd be the next J.K. Rowling (I don't expect myself to be- or anyone here for that matter) but I definitely see this becoming popular.
The description serves as more than just the setting; it shows a lot about his character. When he talks about the noise everyone makes and refers to vendors as "merchant rats", you can see his disdain for them. Most people would immediately think he's bitter, but if observe his affinity for buildings and land, he's not cold hearted at all. My aim in this chapter is to show the reader that he has a strong sense of abandonment and instead of withdrawing, he develops a sense of arrogance and love for everything that is not human to compensate.

Because it's written in first person, I only try to write it not through his eyes, but through his own thought with little explanation because let's face it, we don't have to explain ourselves in our head, only justify. He changes his decisions very quickly because he does not have an agenda. As you can see, he is more of a eat, sleep, annoy kind of guy. His lack of commitment also reflects his faith in himself, others, and fate in general. "Why bother because it will surely not be worth my time, but I have all the time in the world anyway."

Personally, I don't want to be the next J.K. Rowling because she sold out - she never intended to write more than one book. Reading the fifth book was so painful for me because it was so slow. The characters are also very lame with the exception of the Weasley twins.

Where was the contradiction/correction?
(Jun. 02, 2011  7:22 PM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]She was my keeper. The tower, I mean.

It stung, but I loved it anyway.

In a daze, I swaggered around the bell and down the stairs I went – or what was left of them.

Yeah, that pudgy guy that’s a few shops down in that rickety stall. Well, it was more like a cart with a canopy.

I cut him off with a swing at the post holding up the tapestry above his stall. Well, it was more like a cart.

A strange feeling swept over me, like I had to ask her something. There wasn’t any question in mind, but she had an answer.

The last one wasn't so much of a self correction, and I'm not saying they're bad things. I'm just telling you what I say. If it's what you wanted, fantastic. If not, now you know where they are and you can do whatever with them. But I understand all of your points, and they are all valid.
The correction between the stall and the cart was kind of a joke. He was jesting at the state of the man's possession.

I do have to ask you this: when are we ever definitive in thought?
(Jun. 04, 2011  1:57 AM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]The correction between the stall and the cart was kind of a joke. He was jesting at the state of the man's possession.

I do have to ask you this: when are we ever definitive in thought?

No, no! I didn't mean to criticize you. I only meant to point out something I saw. I wasn't saying if it was good or bad, I was simply stating an observation. I'm sorry if that came out the wrong way.

But yes, good point. I just found it interesting because that isn't something I've seen a lot of writers do. Or at least, not that often.
(Jun. 04, 2011  1:59 AM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 04, 2011  1:57 AM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]The correction between the stall and the cart was kind of a joke. He was jesting at the state of the man's possession.

I do have to ask you this: when are we ever definitive in thought?

No, no! I didn't mean to criticize you. I only meant to point out something I saw. I wasn't saying if it was good or bad, I was simply stating an observation. I'm sorry if that came out the wrong way.

But yes, good point. I just found it interesting because that isn't something I've seen a lot of writers do. Or at least, not that often.
I asked for criticism in the OP so if you didn't mean to, it's a blow to my ego. I was looking forward to your comments in particular because I knew you would challenge me. That is something I like.

From my understanding, most books are about the plot with the characters as a means of delivering it. My goal here is to use the plot as a means of showing the main character's evolution. In the OP, I mentioned it was about a destined hero choosing the path of a villain. I didn't mention that this story took place in another world where space and time don't always coincide, there are no lifespans, and destiny is a restraint, not a choice.
(Jun. 04, 2011  2:21 AM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]I asked for criticism in the OP so if you didn't mean to, it's a blow to my ego. I was looking forward to your comments in particular because I knew you would challenge me. That is something I like.

From my understanding, most books are about the plot with the characters as a means of delivering it. My goal here is to use the plot as a means of showing the main character's evolution. In the OP, I mentioned it was about a destined hero choosing the path of a villain. I didn't mention that this story took place in another world where space and time don't always coincide, there are no lifespans, and destiny is a restraint, not a choice.

Haha, thank you Smile. I feel special that you were looking forwards to my comments.

Yes, that's true. Most books are about plot lines and characters that tell the story (either in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person limited omniscient). However, there are several exceptions, your story being one. Some stories can have no plot, and just be random. Others, Sherlock Holmes for example, can be a series of smaller plots or adventures that have no direct correlation with each other. As for the time space bit, if you plan to distribute this then you should somehow incorporate this information into some chapters. Readers won't just automatically know that time and space have no relevance in this world. Fuze it in with the plot, make it interesting Smile.

EDIT: Speaking of fuze, if the verb of fusion is 'to fuze', then what is the verb form of fission, as in nuclear fission? Sorry for being off topic.
(Jun. 05, 2011  3:22 AM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jun. 04, 2011  2:21 AM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]I asked for criticism in the OP so if you didn't mean to, it's a blow to my ego. I was looking forward to your comments in particular because I knew you would challenge me. That is something I like.

From my understanding, most books are about the plot with the characters as a means of delivering it. My goal here is to use the plot as a means of showing the main character's evolution. In the OP, I mentioned it was about a destined hero choosing the path of a villain. I didn't mention that this story took place in another world where space and time don't always coincide, there are no lifespans, and destiny is a restraint, not a choice.

Haha, thank you Smile. I feel special that you were looking forwards to my comments.

Yes, that's true. Most books are about plot lines and characters that tell the story (either in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person limited omniscient). However, there are several exceptions, your story being one. Some stories can have no plot, and just be random. Others, Sherlock Holmes for example, can be a series of smaller plots or adventures that have no direct correlation with each other. As for the time space bit, if you plan to distribute this then you should somehow incorporate this information into some chapters. Readers won't just automatically know that time and space have no relevance in this world. Fuze it in with the plot, make it interesting Smile.

EDIT: Speaking of fuze, if the verb of fusion is 'to fuze', then what is the verb form of fission, as in nuclear fission? Sorry for being off topic.
Well, yeah, things are going to be explained as the story goes along, like the main character's name and appearance. The way this world works is different, of course, and I would never dream of leaving holes in the explanation. I will have to develop a way to have the main character explain each phenomena in thought...

I do plan on this to be a series in which there will be a second main character.
Just checking, isn't the verb 'fuse', Sparta? And the verb form is just, 'to fission'.

EDIT: Second main character? Is it someone in this story, or a completely new character that you're keeping away from us?
Completely new character. I think I'm going to finish up typing chapter one tonight and post it.

Basically, the main character is a character who is born into tragedy and misfortune, was given the opportunity to exist among friends and love, but grew to detest them and threw it away for destruction. In the second part of the series, he is granted a chance at redemption by living an alternate life at the same time (yin and yang, if you will). The second main character (yang) will be a born "villain" and in order for the main character to be whole again, has to choose the path of the hero, having to overcome a life of misfortune, anger and self misery.
I updated the OP with the rest of chapter one. Hope you guys enjoy it!
Once again, I like it, but there are a few more typos. Like "huge. pompous edifice." Nothing major, and I know that you'll fix them when you get the time, but it still sticks out.

Besides that, the main character seems to enjoy possessing things. It seems like it's pretty prominent. Especially in the way that he refers to the girl as "my" or "mine".

One more thing: the paragraphs in the second half of the chapter are kind of short, I think. They could use a little more fleshing out, maybe. But then again, I suck at that kind of thing, so I'm not really one to talk. Wink

Also, I just checked, and in Microsoft Word 2010, your story, in 10-point Tahoma font, is six-and-a-half pages. The story is going strong, in my opinion.
The typos are there mostly because I have speed fingers. This is just my rough draft, too. Once I complete the story, I'm going to have to go over it with a fine tooth comb.

That's actually what I was going for. He objectifies everything because he never interacts with others. It's also a part of his arrogance.

The second paragraphs are much shorter because I'm leaving out detail, which was already emphasized in the first section, but you're right, I didn't actually notice that. It's something to consider. Thanks!
Sorry I didn't write a review earlier-I'm still on vacation, and we cruised over to the town for Ben and Jerry's (Yummy!)

1. I have to stick with some of my earlier comments, one of which being the amount of description. I'm not exactly sure what it is now, but something about your descriptions feels off. I wish I could be more detailed than that, but I'm not sure myself. It's most likely too much, but I'm just going out on a limb.

2. You've done really well with paragraphs and indenting. The story looks really clear-cut, and it's not just a wall of text. Kudos for that.
I kind of feel you on the description part, and I'm the same as you; I don't know how to describe it either. My goal is to make the description more opinion based that factual since this story isn't about the plot, but rather the main character's change of heart.

Thanks! Since I'm dyslexic, paragraphing and indenting is important to me. I have trouble reading things otherwise.
This is easily one of the best, if not the best story I've read so far. It's the desciptive writing that remindsme why Harry Potter was such a great book. Keep it up and send me a copy once it's published.
Same. Though, I have to say, the grammar is impeccable, spelling is flawless, and the flow, well THAT is near-perfect. I do have a question. In the fifth chapter, you say "I'm not the only person to take refuse here." Did you mean "refuge"? Just a question. You also say "It was so worm that I could never figure out if it actually moved." Do you mean "worn"? Again, not attacking the book, you're WAY better than me. I'm just asking. Ah, you DID say you'd go back and edit anyway. Ah, well. (I SO wish I had this type of attention span. Seven or eight years on a story? Geez, I can barely pull two out of my head.)
Wait...You're dyslexic? I think I remember saying this about that yusei fudon guy's writing, but I must have forgotten. That makes this so much more amazing.
Yes, I did mean refuge and worn, haha. Thanks for pointing that out; I'll go and correct it.

I rarely read books because of my dyslexia. I could probably count every book I've ever read, as a matter of fact. Most of this is just from analyzing speech and looking up words on online dictionaries and then reading synonyms.
Bleh, my brain is usually fried after a while, so I don't read as much as I write anymore, sadly. Recently, I have literally no idea what's going on, as I've lost interest in a bunch of books I've loved for years. I can't even force myself to read Animal Farm anymore, and that was one of my favorites for YEARS. But seeing as you can do this, even with dyslexia, I'm again inspired! In a more non-whiny type of way of speech, you are an inspiration, Deikailo!
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