The Knights of Rome - by Dip

Summary

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A boy named Julian is travelling for his destiny. He find Prince Aladdin and ask for help. Aladdin add Julian to his army And battling for his fathers kingdom. At Julian's first battle They win. But Julian fell down to the sea by a hit of crossbow. Did he Survive. Find out.

Chapter 1 : Ship to the first strike.

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Prince Aladdin and his best friend Julian was at the town side of the kingdom. Aladdin's dad is Moakis - The king of Rome- and Aladdin is the future king. Julian is a soldier who training to be a knight. Julian was very good at fighting on his train. And Aladdin will take him to his first Battle, against White Snake troops.

"Do yo ready for your first battle? Think we will win?" asked Aladdin.

"I really don't know." Replies Julian.

"Be strong buddy. Be STRONG! I'm waiting at the ship. meet me there in this afternoon." Said Aladdin.

"I'll be there" Julian Replies.

A second by a second, a minute by a minute, time pasts. The afternoon arrives. Julian went to the ship as he promised.

There were 30 of army soldiers. Aladdin and a another man were waiting for him.

"Julian! There you are. Come over here this is my friend Gene. He is a wizard." Aladdin said.

"Hello, Mr.Gene. Nice to meet you. Aladdin, Is he going to the battle too? Great!" Said Julian.

"All aboard" A man cries.

"Alright, we are leaving. My people we never return without winning." Aladdin said the last part very loudly.

"Yeh!"all people said.

Finally They are off. Will they win? Find out at the next chapter.

Chapter 2 at post #6.

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Sri Lankan Bleyders forum/ World Beyblade Network

My creations

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Bounce legends - Trail

Good so far some errors like this one "Did he survived" it's survive and there should be a question mark since it's a question it's also preety short for the first chapter other then that but you did well.

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My two tournaments (need's approuval)
http://www.worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Toro...ash-Zero-G
http://www.worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Toro...Bey-Zero-G

Not much description, and a few spelling mistakes. When I first saw this, I thought chinablade had changed her username and was writing her next story XD

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

The spacing and its overall look is good but the grammar is messed up. For some reason, I don't see what tense this story is written in, is it present tense or past tense? Because if its the present tense then most parts there should have an "s" and if it is in the past tense, then at least ONE THING SHOULD HAVE A PAST TENSE WORD (i.e. found, won, etc.)

Also, this part is very ugly (no offense): "But Julian get a crossbow and falling to the sea."
It's ugly why? Because the two clauses describe two COMPLETELY UNRELATED THINGS! Something like, "But Julian got a crossbow, but he shot badly and fell to the sea." could be better, but its not great because they're two different things. You have to separate them or better yet, remove the crossbow part because that details is not needed in a summary.

Now I'm going to help you but I can't sum it all up in one go so I'll give you two links. I want you to read them.

They are the The Writer's Handbook and Stairs On Becoming A Better Writer. You better read this, alright? Anyway, improve and I wish you luck in this.

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Great Scott! Signature made by me finally!
"That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me... This One's A Fighter!" Gym Class Heroes Feat. Ryan Tedder, "The Fighter"

Call me Septy, if my name's too long; Read my stories: Shadows of The Condemned, The Lost Birthday and The Crimson Winter

The spacing and its overall look is good but the grammar is messed up. For some reason, I don't see what tense this story is written in, is it present tense or past tense? Because if its the present tense then most parts there should have an "s" and if it is in the past tense, then at least ONE THING SHOULD HAVE A PAST TENSE WORD (i.e. found, won, etc.)

Also, this part is very ugly (no offense): "But Julian get a crossbow and falling to the sea."
It's ugly why? Because the two clauses describe two COMPLETELY UNRELATED THINGS! Something like, "But Julian got a crossbow, but he shot badly and fell to the sea." could be better, but its not great because they're two different things. You have to separate them or better yet, remove the crossbow part because that details is not needed in a summary.

Now I'm going to help you but I can't sum it all up in one go so I'll give you two links. I want you to read them.

They are the The Writer's Handbook and Stairs On Becoming A Better Writer. You better read this, alright? Anyway, improve and I wish you luck in this.

Thanks for the help. I will read that post you link me. I gonna write that crossbow part in next chapter. I think I need erase it from the summary. There can be some or many mistakes, because this is my first story. And I'm bad at English.

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Sri Lankan Bleyders forum/ World Beyblade Network

My creations

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Bounce legends - Trail

HERE IS CHAPTER 2

Chapter 2 : Find Julian

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Aladdin and his army shipped in Rome to Arkanban to start strike. At the ship Aladdin is planing to strike. Gene and Julian with him to help in planning.

"We start attack in Arkanban. Next we attack......." before Aladdin finish, A voice of a soldier win there attention.

"ENEMY! ENEMY!" the soldier cries.

Aladdin, Julian and Gene leave the room and came to the deck. They were sailing near a island. They planned to take a break there before they know about enemy. Now they are so close to the island. If they try turn back They will be hit on a big rock.

"We have no choice. We must surrender." Said Julian.

"NO! We can't surrender. I can't let my dad down. WE MUST FIGHT!" Said Aladdin in anger.

"OK then we must start swimming. We can't go by boats. They kill us before even we get there." Said Gene.

"Every one take of heavy armors. Jump and dive. Archers Stay on the ship and attack to every enemy you see." Said Aladdin.

At that command everyone (expect for archers and pirates) jumped to the water. Few minutes later every roman warriors -expect who dies in the water- standing on the Giyasa island and ready for battle. There were a thrilling showdown. Before killing all enemy Roman troop won the battle by killing leader of enemy. some of the enemy surrender and some ran away.

"They are getting away" Julian said loudly.

"Let them go" Said Aladdin.

But that choice was wrong. Enemy crossbow men turn back and attack again. The arrow was coming straight to Aladdin.

"ALADDIN, LOOK OUT!" Shout Julian in with a jump to Aladdin.

Julian push Aladdin away. But For Julian's bad luck there wasn't enough time to dodge. The arrow hit Julian and Push him to the sea.(Julian and Aladdin was on a high land near the. That's why Julian fell to the sea with the arrow.)

"JULIAN! NO! NO! NO! he can't die. Find him now." Aladdin cries.

What will happen next if Julian survive? Find out on Chapter Three.

Tune on to the next chapter. Chapter 3 : Elonour and Ritashi

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Sri Lankan Bleyders forum/ World Beyblade Network

My creations

Spoiler (Click to View)

Bounce legends - Trail