(STORY)BEYBLADE HIDDEN DIMENSION (now at chapter 3)

Poll: How good

awsome written
0%
0
Its good
25.00%
1
Not bad
50.00%
2
this guy is horrible
25.00%
1
Total: 100% 4 vote(s)
This is my story on beyblade.

chapter 1
Code:
"What is this place? Where am I?" I say to myself. I look outside the hospital room and look out the window to see the red sky. Then a nurse opens the door and realizes i am up. She then says "Hi I am your nurse Rebecca" she wore a common nurse outfit and had black hair that reached her shoulders. She asks me how i am and i tell her" i am fine" with a smile on my face. Then i ask her " what happened to me? and who am i? "you're in a hospital in Maren after you suffered a hard head injury". "It says your name is Roland, Roland Roger". "Ill be back i need to get the doctor to see you" I respond with a gentle "ok" as she walks out of the room. Later the doctor comes in to see me and asks me easy question like my date of birth and for some reason i can't answer. He then tells me that i have memory loss......
"What but, how" i say. The doctor says " You were hit in the head by something extremely hard which cause you to be in coma for a week". I try to sit up before the doctor says "sit down im not sure if you are fully healed from your injury yet let me do some tests... Later after the tests the doctor tells me the news  "you are some how perfectly healthy" he says. "Let me get your parents". Then i realize i dont remember my parents... After my parents come in they take me to our car i think and we drive home. Once im home im surprised by my family and friends my parents tell me and because of my injury i am reintroduced. i meet many people like uncle Bob and aunt Lucy. Then i receive the gifts, money, cards, ect. Then it happens, i get what my dad tells me is a bey with a rip cord and launcher inferno pegasus 85 wd. I put all my gifts in the room thats mine and my dad tells me hes bringing me to my friends at the bey park "to learn the art" he says.
chapter 2 learning beyblade
When i arrive at the bey park who is supposedly my friend he brings me into the bey park and tells me the basics of beyblade, then he says " i think the bet way to learn is to learn from experience i challenge you" I respond with "what are you talking about"  "its time to let it rip get to the side of the stadium" he says we each set up our launchers and beys then I hear an echoe of many people in the bey park sayin 3... 2... 1.... let it rip me and tony launch our beys into the stadium and i feel somehting i have never felt before "beyspirit" tony says "thats the feeling that you have". "cool but enough talk lets battle" i say and the action begins. My bey immediatly goes to the middle of the stadium while Tonys bey Gravity destroyer circles me like a warrior riding a horse to battle surrounding me so i can not escape. Then all of a sudden his destroyer attacks me head on and i my bey is sent into the sky. I am able to recover and land in the stadium but my pegasus has lost alot of stamina. I decide to have my pegasus to try to attack. When my bey hits destroyer, it barely moves. Then Tony says "CHARGING SLASH ASSUALT" his bey charges at mine with purple energy around and hits my bey out of the stadium i lose. Now i understand what he meant by learning from experience I have alot to learn.
chapter 3 meeting azhar
After the battle with Tony he takes me to the shop part of the bey park, they have all sorts of parts, I ask Tony "Hey how do you get beypoints". He says with a sad tone " Beypoints is a beybladers currency, the only way to get Beypoints is to do one of two things, 1. is to be awarded points by wining ten matches in a row, The second way is to win and destroy there bey which is awful but easier". Then all of a sudden we hear a bladers voice behind us that says "i am azhar and I challenge you to a bey battle". I ask "which one me or my friend". " he responds with you the one i saw with the inferno pegasus, you should be easy to beat so i can get my tenth win in a row". "I accept your challenge" i say. Me, Tony, and Azhar head for a stadium. Me and Azhar say in sinc 3...2....1.... let it rip. Our beys, my inferno pegasus and his twisted bull enter the stadium, instantly our bey head to the middle and clash. We both then realize our beys have the same track and tip. Azhar says" this should be an interesting battle since our beys have similiar parts". I say " even though our beys have similiar parts i will still try and beat you". Azhar then says "same hear, we dont hold back agreed". "Agreed" i say and the battle continues. After the clash i decide to rush to the middle of the stadium so i can save stamina. His twisted bull moves in a circle then starts to barrage my bey with hits. Then i find his beys rhythm and i get pegasus to dodge the attacks. Eventually i dodge an attack and counterattack, but his fusion wheel is heavy and strong my best way to beat him is to trick him or have a sleepout. Then Azhar says HOT FLAME CHARGEEE!!!!!!!!!. His bull heats up and charges right at pegasus, i try to dodge but before i know it his bey hits mine and my bey flies in the air from the hit and hits the ceiling. We shake hands and then see a crowd of bladers next to a man putting up a poster...

accepting character ideas fill an application
name of character
gender
age
looks
acts
bey
and special moves
action is coming please right if you like
I will try to right a chapter every day or 2
thank you
click to view didnt work i think
Chapters are too short, and dialogue works like this
"Hey," I say.
"Yo," He replies.
yes but im goin to write frequently ok and once ur in a conversation u dont always have to put he replies or she replies
(Aug. 18, 2012  3:57 PM)CBP Wrote: yes but im goin to write frequently ok and once ur in a conversation u dont always have to put he replies or she replies
I know,
but it is messy when you have "Yo" "Hey" next to each other. Space out the dialogue, considering they use up a whole line.


Ex.
"Yo"
"hey"
"How are you?"
"Fine, how about you?"

or with he or she said. Heck, you can even use their names for dialogues.
hey no ones perfect anyone else want to reply i need characters
(Aug. 18, 2012  4:20 PM)CBP Wrote: hey no ones perfect anyone else want to reply i need characters
lol who said I was perfect? I'm just helping you with grammar.
Pretty good.... I guess.
It's ok so far
Azhar
Male
12
Twisted bull 85 WD
Time stop hot flame charge
You can decide how he looks and acts
A bit of help, you went from chapter 1 to chapter 3. Just saying.
thx taylor fixed it
just updated added new character
i understand that i am not getting good ratings so i am asking if i should stop the story where it is
In my opinion, why not just improve?
Right now your beginning, as you have time to improve.
Why not take in everyone's suggestions and rewrite it?
LOL, why did you put it in code brackets? Its the first time that I've seen it, and it looks cool. But if you're adding a lot of chapters, maybe spoil the code.