Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow

Chapter 1-The Tournament

Chapter 2- A New Threat

Chapter 3- The Maker

Hey Crow;
Nice story, good idea and not too many spelling and punctuation errors, but possibly use more coma's and not just ending a sentance with a full stop. For example:

I awoke to the sound of pounding on my window, I have a room on the lower floor so I guess this is one of the "Perks".

Apart from that, pretty good.
Ok thanks SDC. I will edit it ASAP. I have had the idea of a story for a while.Just so you guys know Ryu is from a DS game not beyblade.
Its actually fine, but you need more. Its too short.
(Sep. 10, 2011  12:59 AM)BeyCenter Wrote: Its actually fine, but you need more. Its too short.

I know this is just chapter 1. I wanted to build tension.
I'm working on chapter 3 right now. This chapter will have 2 beybattles and more tension. I hoped you guys liked the 2 previous chapters.
In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from Gasp" Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )
(Sep. 11, 2011  4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from Gasp" Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )

What do you mean avoid parentheses?
(Sep. 11, 2011  5:05 AM)Crow Wrote:
(Sep. 11, 2011  4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from Gasp" Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )

What do you mean avoid parentheses?

In the story try to not put them in the middle of a sentence or in the chapter itself
(Sep. 11, 2011  5:22 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote:
(Sep. 11, 2011  5:05 AM)Crow Wrote:
(Sep. 11, 2011  4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from Gasp" Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )

What do you mean avoid parentheses?

In the story try to not put them in the middle of a sentence or in the chapter itself
I think he means what are parentheses. They are brackets, Caprii just used a large term for them Smile

Nice chapter, but try to put each new speaker on their own separate line. It helps the reader to understand the text better and makes it nicer to look at.
that was pretty good I actually really like it.
(Sep. 11, 2011  9:24 AM)SDamonCronous Wrote: I think he means what are parentheses. They are brackets, Caprii just used a large term for them Smile

Nice chapter, but try to put each new speaker on their own separate line. It helps the reader to understand the text better and makes it nicer to look at.

Actually brackets are these: [ ] . Parentheses are these: ( ) .

Sorry, just had to point that out because I am the biggest math nerd ever and they differ in mathematics.
Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu!
Thanks guys for all you comments and feed back. And SDC I knew what parentheses were.
(Sep. 12, 2011  7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu!
Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two
(Sep. 14, 2011  1:13 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote:
(Sep. 12, 2011  7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu!
Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two

Back on topic guys. I'm finishing up chapter 3. Then after that until the thread gets 25 replys (NO SPAM) then I will make a LONG chapter 4.
Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?
(Sep. 14, 2011  1:17 AM)Crow Wrote:
(Sep. 14, 2011  1:13 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote:
(Sep. 12, 2011  7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu!
Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two

Back on topic guys. I'm finishing up chapter 3. Then after that until the thread gets 25 replys (NO SPAM) then I will make a LONG chapter 4.
I doubt you will get 25 posts if u dun post a new chapter (So hurry with chapter 3 Tongue_out )
(Sep. 14, 2011  7:59 AM)powerangeryan Wrote: Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?

Because I wanna stick to real beyblades and I don't want my readers to get confused.
(Sep. 15, 2011  12:20 AM)Crow Wrote:
(Sep. 14, 2011  7:59 AM)powerangeryan Wrote: Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?

Because I wanna stick to real beyblades and I don't want my readers to get confused.

Oh. I was actually already confused with mercury and sol
Sorry I haven't gotten chapter 3 done yet, I have been studying because I have an outcome test monday and I haven't been on the computer lately. I will try to get it done soon.
Bricks. Bricks of text. The pretense is surprisingly good, given the formatting that normally denotes total bull. But what shines is buried under heaps of bad formatting, a lack of paragraphs, and overall mediocre grammar. Now, do not get me wrong. This is a good story. I think it has some potential. But the issue here is that you need to spend more time editing. I'd rather see fewer chapters because you spend two weeks editing and they turn out good than one per week, and they end up mediocre. Editing. It's tedious, I know. I do it three hours a day. But it will help you.
(Oct. 22, 2011  3:13 AM)Temporal Wrote: Bricks. Bricks of text. The pretense is surprisingly good, given the formatting that normally denotes total bull. But what shines is buried under heaps of bad formatting, a lack of paragraphs, and overall mediocre grammar. Now, do not get me wrong. This is a good story. I think it has some potential. But the issue here is that you need to spend more time editing. I'd rather see fewer chapters because you spend two weeks editing and they turn out good than one per week, and they end up mediocre. Editing. It's tedious, I know. I do it three hours a day. But it will help you.

Ok this is probably the best advice I got. I will try to spend more time to edit chapter 3.