Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 10, 2011
Chapter 1-The Tournament
I awoke to the sound of pounding on my window, I have a room on the lower floor so I guess this is one of the "Perks". I turned towards the window and saw my friend Kuji. I went and opened my window so he can come into my room. "Hurry and get dressed we're gonna be late for the tournament!" I quickly put on my famous "Scorpio" shirt and some jeans. I then put on socks and quickly put on my shoes and went out the window. I knew I had to make a comeback at this tournament. I had took 5th place at my last tournament and had got my beypoints down to 986. I was now ranked #611 on the WBO. I had to walk a quarter mile to get to "The Valley".
"Ready?" said Kuji. "Ready" I said. We opened the doors and walked entered,but little did we know we were gonna meet the biggest threat known to bladers worldwide.
That was chapter 1. I am open to all criticism. I am taking character request's so send them now! Thanks
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Chapter 2- A New Threat
Me and Kuji entered a room full of screaming bladers,all who obviously wanted to make an impact on their blading career. We walked to the nearest empty table and took a seat. Kids named this place "The Valley" because it was a big,vast, wasteland. There was broken beys,candy wrappers, and even a little blood(Where's that from?) all over the floor. There was a ledge specifically for the WBBA directer,The Blader DJ, and other important bladers. "AND NOW FOR THE MATCH YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.......RYU VS AKU!!!!" Fans instantly started shouting with joy and excitement as the two bladers took there places on the beystadium arena. "Who's Aku? Kuji what's his bey and whats he all about?" I said. "I don't know, but I can tell you he uses a Black Sol Blaze V145AS." replied Kuji. "Ok then, Ready Anubis?" said Ryu. "NOW LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!!!" yelled the DJ. "3.....2....1....GO SHOOT!!!" I launched my Mercury Anubis 85XF, while my opponent Aku launched his Sol Blaze V145AS. The beyblades landed in the arena and raced around in a speed so fast,not even the DJ can tell which bey is which. Mercury Anubis hit Sol Blaze from behind and sent him flying into the air. Sol Blaze instantly erupted in flames and went soaring down towards Anubis. "ANUBIS GET OUT OF THERE QUICK!!!" I yelled. Anubis dodged Sol Blaze just a split second after he landed. "GO SOL BLAZE!! CRUSH HIM TO BITS!!!" roared Aku. Sol Blaze Rounded the stadium so fast fire was trailing his path. "SPECIAL MOVE: SCORCHING SUN SOL BLAST!!!" Sol Blaze instantly let out a big,fiery ball of black flames and it hit Anubis with a bang so powerful it could crush a boulder."ANUBIS!!! COME ON HANG IN THERE!!!" cried Ryu. But it was too late, Mercury Anubis had already been knocked out of the stadium. "AND THE WINNER IS.....AKUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared the Blader DJ. "No......I lost...? How could this happen?" Ryu instantly fell to his knees and let out such a loud cry it left everyone silent. "You will never defeat me if you keep on blading like that. Your pathetic. You shouldn't even be worthy of a bey like that. Just quit now while you have some pride left."said Aku. "Unghhhhh......I WILL DEFEAT YOU. YOU HEAR ME!!!! I WILL COME BACK AND DEFEAT YOU AND CRUSH YOU TO BITS!!!" roared Ryu. "Come on Ryu lets go home. You need to rest."said Kuji. And with that they left The Valley and went home.
That was chapter 2. Hoped you liked it. It left my hand a little sore. Don't forget that i'm still taking requests.
Chapter 3- The Maker
Ryu awoke in his room,but with a strange feeling. He got up. Why was he still in the same cloths as yesterday? He got up changed into pajamas and went out into the living room. There he saw Kuji,His Mom, and some other man. The man was a 6 foot tall man. He was buff, he was wearing a tuxedo. "Hey Kuji,Mom. But who is he?" "Have some manners sweety especially for your father." said his mom. "Ryu, I went home to get your mom after you lost and then I saw him. Your mom claimed he was your father but I didn't believe him. Then......" Kuji left off what he was gonna say. "Then WHAT!!?? Don't play me like that! Your supposed to be my best friend!! Who Is He!!!" Ryu Roared. "Then.... he showed me his bey. It was a Mercury Anubis,just like your except this one was a different color. It had a red and orange fusion wheel, with a clear black energy ring. He told be it's the Mercury Anubis Brave Version. I challenged him to a match." Ryu broke in " But you don't have a bey... " "True but I've had one this whole time. It's one my own father gave me when I was 5. Gravity Persues AD145WD" "I never knew you had a bey like that.."said Ryu "Well I do and it's very powerful. But I was nowhere near beating him. He...he was so powerful. That bey... Something was different..." Kuji was immediately cut off by Ryu's father " Maybe my Mercury is 5000 years old. Yes, Mercury is one of the first ever beys. With that he has had training from my father, and so on. 5000 years of training. He is so powerful if I launch him with all my power then he could spin for a long time. And he's an attack type." "So what, You are my father. Now why are you here?!"Ryu said madly "I'm here because somebody beat you. And that somebody is our ancient family rival. Aku is my rival. I lost to him myself 10 years ago. And so after that I went into training. I have gotten superbly stronger than I last was. So I went looking for him. Now, I found him with your help. But his son is nearing your age. And when he turns 12 he will inherit their family bey. Sol Blaze. Not just any Sol, this one is the black corrupted version. Their family has gone undefeated for 3000 years since their bey got corrupted. Then he will get corrupted with evil power. Only you can stop him. But before that I must try my best to stop him. I will try one battle. If I win great, If I fail I must train you to become stronger. But before all of that, I must help you search for the great Mercury Anubis Legend Version. All of our ancestors have failed, but only because we weren't worthy enough of the legend version. I failed. After that I began searching for the Brave Version. I found that one only because I would do anything for family." " Even if it meant risking your life? I don't know? If you deserted me since I was 2 then how could I believe you." "I never said you had to believe me just come on. Were going to go look for my rival. Don't be scared because I know I'm going to win." "Hey What about me?" said Kuji. "I will stay here and prepare dinner for the four of us." said Ryu's mom "Ok, Kuji hurry up. Oh by the way, I hate tuna. Try Ramen. Lets go guys. " said Ryu's father as they all walked out of the door.
This was Chapter 3. Sorry for the long wait. This took a long time. Don't forget to rate 1-10. Thanks
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - S.D.C - Sep. 10, 2011
Hey Crow;
Nice story, good idea and not too many spelling and punctuation errors, but possibly use more coma's and not just ending a sentance with a full stop. For example:
I awoke to the sound of pounding on my window, I have a room on the lower floor so I guess this is one of the "Perks".
Apart from that, pretty good.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 10, 2011
Ok thanks SDC. I will edit it ASAP. I have had the idea of a story for a while.Just so you guys know Ryu is from a DS game not beyblade.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - BeyCenter - Sep. 10, 2011
Its actually fine, but you need more. Its too short.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 10, 2011
(Sep. 10, 2011 12:59 AM)BeyCenter Wrote: Its actually fine, but you need more. Its too short.
I know this is just chapter 1. I wanted to build tension.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 10, 2011
I'm working on chapter 3 right now. This chapter will have 2 beybattles and more tension. I hoped you guys liked the 2 previous chapters.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Captain Caprii - Sep. 11, 2011
In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from " Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 11, 2011
(Sep. 11, 2011 4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from " Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )
What do you mean avoid parentheses?
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Captain Caprii - Sep. 11, 2011
(Sep. 11, 2011 5:05 AM)Crow Wrote: (Sep. 11, 2011 4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from " Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )
What do you mean avoid parentheses?
In the story try to not put them in the middle of a sentence or in the chapter itself
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - S.D.C - Sep. 11, 2011
(Sep. 11, 2011 5:22 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: (Sep. 11, 2011 5:05 AM)Crow Wrote: (Sep. 11, 2011 4:54 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: In chapter 2 you can make it so that someone in the background can say "Where did that blood come from " Or something like that Try to avoid parentheses (I do it myself )
What do you mean avoid parentheses?
In the story try to not put them in the middle of a sentence or in the chapter itself I think he means what are parentheses. They are brackets, Caprii just used a large term for them 
Nice chapter, but try to put each new speaker on their own separate line. It helps the reader to understand the text better and makes it nicer to look at.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - OnePiece - Sep. 11, 2011
that was pretty good I actually really like it.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - NoodooSoup - Sep. 11, 2011
(Sep. 11, 2011 9:24 AM)SDamonCronous Wrote: I think he means what are parentheses. They are brackets, Caprii just used a large term for them 
Nice chapter, but try to put each new speaker on their own separate line. It helps the reader to understand the text better and makes it nicer to look at.
Actually brackets are these: [ ] . Parentheses are these: ( ) .
Sorry, just had to point that out because I am the biggest math nerd ever and they differ in mathematics.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - TimelessOne - Sep. 12, 2011
Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu!
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 14, 2011
Thanks guys for all you comments and feed back. And SDC I knew what parentheses were.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Captain Caprii - Sep. 14, 2011
(Sep. 12, 2011 7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu! Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 14, 2011
(Sep. 14, 2011 1:13 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: (Sep. 12, 2011 7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu! Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two
Back on topic guys. I'm finishing up chapter 3. Then after that until the thread gets 25 replys (NO SPAM) then I will make a LONG chapter 4.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Spdshadow - Sep. 14, 2011
Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Captain Caprii - Sep. 14, 2011
(Sep. 14, 2011 1:17 AM)Crow Wrote: (Sep. 14, 2011 1:13 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: (Sep. 12, 2011 7:49 AM)qwertxj3 Wrote: Heh, pretty good. However, try to make your chapters a bit longer.
Offtopic: One of my best beyfriends is called Ryu! Offtopic:Am i the only one that thought it said boyfriends at first......
Story is good and yes I'm pretty sure a 6th grader should know what parentheses are if they don't they should probably go back a grade... maybe two
Back on topic guys. I'm finishing up chapter 3. Then after that until the thread gets 25 replys (NO SPAM) then I will make a LONG chapter 4. I doubt you will get 25 posts if u dun post a new chapter (So hurry with chapter 3 )
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 15, 2011
(Sep. 14, 2011 7:59 AM)powerangeryan Wrote: Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?
Because I wanna stick to real beyblades and I don't want my readers to get confused.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Spdshadow - Sep. 15, 2011
(Sep. 15, 2011 12:20 AM)Crow Wrote: (Sep. 14, 2011 7:59 AM)powerangeryan Wrote: Nice. I think there should be a part where a bey gets upgraded or at least some customisation. Besides, why not create new bey parts? Why not create your own Bey?
Because I wanna stick to real beyblades and I don't want my readers to get confused.
Oh. I was actually already confused with mercury and sol
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Sep. 16, 2011
Sorry I haven't gotten chapter 3 done yet, I have been studying because I have an outcome test monday and I haven't been on the computer lately. I will try to get it done soon.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Temporal - Oct. 22, 2011
Bricks. Bricks of text. The pretense is surprisingly good, given the formatting that normally denotes total bull. But what shines is buried under heaps of bad formatting, a lack of paragraphs, and overall mediocre grammar. Now, do not get me wrong. This is a good story. I think it has some potential. But the issue here is that you need to spend more time editing. I'd rather see fewer chapters because you spend two weeks editing and they turn out good than one per week, and they end up mediocre. Editing. It's tedious, I know. I do it three hours a day. But it will help you.
RE: Ryu's Story-A Story By Crow - Crow - Oct. 22, 2011
(Oct. 22, 2011 3:13 AM)Temporal Wrote: Bricks. Bricks of text. The pretense is surprisingly good, given the formatting that normally denotes total bull. But what shines is buried under heaps of bad formatting, a lack of paragraphs, and overall mediocre grammar. Now, do not get me wrong. This is a good story. I think it has some potential. But the issue here is that you need to spend more time editing. I'd rather see fewer chapters because you spend two weeks editing and they turn out good than one per week, and they end up mediocre. Editing. It's tedious, I know. I do it three hours a day. But it will help you.
Ok this is probably the best advice I got. I will try to spend more time to edit chapter 3.
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