Could you be more specific?
Poison Serpent SW145SD draft. [It's up, hurrah!]
![[Image: wraithkillerbeafowl.png]](https://img703.imageshack.us/img703/6631/wraithkillerbeafowl.png)
Bumpeteh. < Kinda weird.
"It is outclassed in Defense Mode by C145 and GB145 230 and AD145."
AD145 isn't great defensively, BD145 is more relevant, and it looks awkwardly thrown together here. I don't think you need to include a full list, so leaving off C145 might be okay, as otherwise it seems overly long.
You might even get away with saying "It has little to no use in Defence customs", given Low Tracks also outclass it, as do most tracks with low recoil.
Even "Due to it's high recoil, even in Defense Mode, it has little to no use in Defense customs"
If you want to include the list, though, go with
"It is outclassed for Defense purposes by GB145, BD145, and 230."
AD145 isn't great defensively, BD145 is more relevant, and it looks awkwardly thrown together here. I don't think you need to include a full list, so leaving off C145 might be okay, as otherwise it seems overly long.
You might even get away with saying "It has little to no use in Defence customs", given Low Tracks also outclass it, as do most tracks with low recoil.
Even "Due to it's high recoil, even in Defense Mode, it has little to no use in Defense customs"
If you want to include the list, though, go with
"It is outclassed for Defense purposes by GB145, BD145, and 230."
![[Image: UwZsp7A.png]](https://i.imgur.com/UwZsp7A.png)
You're quite knowledgeable, I can see you becoming an Advanced Member soon.
Not bad, but could use a bit more work on it till it is ready for the wiki. You could add some information on other versions of it.
![[Image: 2r2n8lu.png]](https://i54.tinypic.com/2r2n8lu.png)
Please only post if you have something important to add.
BTW, edited.
BTW, edited.
Heh, mebbe, and thanks :3 It's just because I have time, a pretty good brain, and lots of beys 
You're doing quite nicely yourself, getting the motivation to write these things, and handling everyone's critiques/input can't be easy
With Poison, you may want to mention that the reason it suffers so much recoil, instead of providing smash attack, is due to its light weight. Also, seeing as it's pretty much the worst wheel TT have made, might as well just say "it has absolutely no competitive use", because seriously, it's horrible
You'd also want to mention the track exposure before you bring it up in the last sentence, methinks.
I've had a shot at Reordering/Editing it. While this reads quite differently to what you have, it's really just re-ordered and slightly tweaked, it's still your work
The CW: Remove the sticker part, methinks. Other CW descriptions don't really mention stickers.
Lastly, unless "it's" is being used as a contraction of "IT IS", remove the apostrophe. If you're using it in the possessive sense ("its circumference"), you don't use an apostrophe. I have trouble remembering this myself (hell, I made the same error writing this post), as does just about everyone, ever.
Fix all that, and methinks it'll be perfect, and if it is, I'll stop hassling you. Sorry to be so overbearing, maybe, with this. I just really want to see it get approved, now that I've started trying to help
You're doing quite nicely yourself, getting the motivation to write these things, and handling everyone's critiques/input can't be easy
With Poison, you may want to mention that the reason it suffers so much recoil, instead of providing smash attack, is due to its light weight. Also, seeing as it's pretty much the worst wheel TT have made, might as well just say "it has absolutely no competitive use", because seriously, it's horrible
You'd also want to mention the track exposure before you bring it up in the last sentence, methinks.
I've had a shot at Reordering/Editing it. While this reads quite differently to what you have, it's really just re-ordered and slightly tweaked, it's still your work
Spoiler (Click to View)
The CW: Remove the sticker part, methinks. Other CW descriptions don't really mention stickers.
Lastly, unless "it's" is being used as a contraction of "IT IS", remove the apostrophe. If you're using it in the possessive sense ("its circumference"), you don't use an apostrophe. I have trouble remembering this myself (hell, I made the same error writing this post), as does just about everyone, ever.
Fix all that, and methinks it'll be perfect, and if it is, I'll stop hassling you. Sorry to be so overbearing, maybe, with this. I just really want to see it get approved, now that I've started trying to help
Nah, I don't care, you're being helpful.
Edited, Serpent seems really lacking.
Edited, Serpent seems really lacking.
You know we don't have an other versions section, like burn serpent W130ES and storm serpent T125HF from RB Vol. 5 :\
![[Image: signature.gif]](https://i990.photobucket.com/albums/af26/b_blah/signature.gif)
(Jun. 10, 2011 11:44 PM)Wraith Wrote:(Jun. 10, 2011 6:49 PM)tman14 Wrote: You know we don't have an other versions section, like burn serpent W130ES and storm serpent T125HF from RB Vol. 5 :\Wut?
WhERe iS THe ConFUSiOn? AdD BuRN SeRpeNt wA130eS anD SrOrM SerPeNT T125hF tO thE oTher VersION SeCtIoN gOt iT?
Tman the confusion is, what's it got to do with the topic? Also don't write like that as you could get warned, and it's pointless...
This would be cool for bey wiki, the track can have high smash when used correctly from what I've heard.
This would be cool for bey wiki, the track can have high smash when used correctly from what I've heard.
![[Image: 33w7cpl.gif]](https://i51.tinypic.com/33w7cpl.gif)
![[Image: dragonbar_640522.png]](https://callum6939.dragonadopters.com/dragonbar_640522.png)
You said we don't have an other version section. Read your own post, man.
(Jun. 11, 2011 1:40 AM)Wraith Wrote: You said we don'thave an other version section. Read your own post, man.
Can we just put the other versions already? Why are yall getting wired up over a simple typo, but then again I am trying say WE *article* doesn't have the other versions section I was part of this article too ya know
is it to much to ask just to put it?
It has been put already...
"This recoil is worsened by the light weight of the wheel, which allows it to be easily knocked and furthermore, KO'ed around by opposing beys. This means the wheel has little to no use for attack."
Change to
"This recoil is worsened by the light weight of the wheel, which allows it to be easily knocked around or KO'd by opposing beys. This means the wheel has little to no use for attack."
As for the CW section, I guess you could add something to the CW section about the sharp angles where the snakes originate (it looks a bit like a Celtic Knot), though I've no idea how to phrase it. Maybe call the snakes "interlocking"?
And finally
"SD is the [b]only real[b] reason to buy this Beyblade. Just as the Semi-Flat Bottom has a sharper tip than Flat, so too does Semi-Defense when compared to Defense. Before the release of SD, D was the absolute best Stamina Bottom available, but SD took over."
Change to
"This recoil is worsened by the light weight of the wheel, which allows it to be easily knocked around or KO'd by opposing beys. This means the wheel has little to no use for attack."
You could do this, but it's probably a bit long-winded (Click to View)
As for the CW section, I guess you could add something to the CW section about the sharp angles where the snakes originate (it looks a bit like a Celtic Knot), though I've no idea how to phrase it. Maybe call the snakes "interlocking"?
And finally
"SD is the [b]only real[b] reason to buy this Beyblade. Just as the Semi-Flat Bottom has a sharper tip than Flat, so too does Semi-Defense when compared to Defense. Before the release of SD, D was the absolute best Stamina Bottom available, but SD took over."
Edited.
KO'd around (Knocked Out Around) doesn't make sense:
"This recoil is worsened by the light weight of the wheel, which allows it to be easily knocked around and KO'ed around by opposing beys"
Just remove that around, and it's fine.
It's just about perfect, but I probably wouldn't make it seem like SD is worth buying the blade for ("SD is the real reason to buy..."), and instead say "SD is the only real reason to buy....", but that's up to you I guess.
The only other things are with the CW, calling it "Angular" might be an idea, and yeah, IDK what people think about the celtic chain thing, but whatever.
Umm, maybe: "It's rather angular design features eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other."
Adding, if you want: "in a pattern reminiscent of a celtic knot." (maybe link to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celtic_knot ?)
Seriously, it's almost 100% perfect. Just fix those things, and yeah.
"This recoil is worsened by the light weight of the wheel, which allows it to be easily knocked around and KO'ed around by opposing beys"
Just remove that around, and it's fine.
It's just about perfect, but I probably wouldn't make it seem like SD is worth buying the blade for ("SD is the real reason to buy..."), and instead say "SD is the only real reason to buy....", but that's up to you I guess.
The only other things are with the CW, calling it "Angular" might be an idea, and yeah, IDK what people think about the celtic chain thing, but whatever.
Umm, maybe: "It's rather angular design features eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other."
Adding, if you want: "in a pattern reminiscent of a celtic knot." (maybe link to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celtic_knot ?)
Seriously, it's almost 100% perfect. Just fix those things, and yeah.
I'll add teh Celtic Chain, need to lengthen CW section.
Personally, I like my
"It's rather angular design features eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other in a pattern reminiscent of a celtic knot." more, I just think it reads a bit more professionally is all, but it's your article, so yeah
Unbold "only real".
Then, you're done.
"It's rather angular design features eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other in a pattern reminiscent of a celtic knot." more, I just think it reads a bit more professionally is all, but it's your article, so yeah
Unbold "only real".
Then, you're done.
Done.
Can you tell I'm a perfectionist? Also, I totally got the Apostrophe thing wrong in my CW Description 
That said, it still doesn't read right.
"The Serpent Clear Wheel has a rather angular design featuring eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other in a pattern reminiscent of a Celtic knot. The original release is deep green."
That reads smoothly, and is basically standard
One final thing, and I swear, it's final, the concluding sentence may as well mention SW145, as it isn't entirely useless.
"The only real reason to buy this is SD, and that can be obtained in more useful Beyblades like Dark Bull H145SD. While SW145 has some use, there are generally better alternatives. This means that there is little or no reason to buy this Beyblade."
Then, Perfect (if not better than a lot of articles already on the wiki)
That said, it still doesn't read right.
"The Serpent Clear Wheel has a rather angular design featuring eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other in a pattern reminiscent of a Celtic knot. The original release is deep green."
That reads smoothly, and is basically standard
One final thing, and I swear, it's final, the concluding sentence may as well mention SW145, as it isn't entirely useless.
"The only real reason to buy this is SD, and that can be obtained in more useful Beyblades like Dark Bull H145SD. While SW145 has some use, there are generally better alternatives. This means that there is little or no reason to buy this Beyblade."
Then, Perfect (if not better than a lot of articles already on the wiki)
(Jun. 11, 2011 1:20 PM)th!nk Wrote: Can you tell I'm a perfectionist? Also, I totally got the Apostrophe thing wrong in my CW Description
That said, it still doesn't read right.
"The Serpent Clear Wheel has a rather angular design featuring eight serpents overlapping and interlocking with each other in a pattern reminiscent of a Celtic knot. The original release is deep green."
That reads smoothly, and is basically standard
One final thing, and I swear, it's final, the concluding sentence may as well mention SW145, as it isn't entirely useless.
"The only real reason to buy this is SD, and that can be obtained in more useful Beyblades like Dark Bull H145SD. While SW145 has some use, there are generally better alternatives. This means that there is little or no reason to buy this Beyblade."
Then, Perfect (if not better than a lot of articles already on the wiki)
Well yes, that sounds great! Hah, this bey is SO BAD, that it actually forces people to use a language, that doesn't suit the Beywiki. I won't be surprised to see the Overall for this bey written as-
This bey sucks! Dare not buy this bey!(Research shows that you may become like Reiji) Its worse! SD and SW145 is the only reason to buy this bey, but do you really want them? If yes, please find a better alternative like Dark Bull. To obtain SW145, just get Nightmare Rex(Hah, even though called a Nightmare, its still WAY better than Poison Serpent). Buy this bey only if you want add an ant to your sugar container (i.e. for collection purposes, still, don't do it!). Another reason to buy this bey is us. If you really care for us, please buy this bey, as we have been busting our minds to create this draft....
![[Image: janstarblastsignature.jpg]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-imUVk9PErhw/Tb5jNvGKumI/AAAAAAAAAFw/8iSsYhW7vEw/janstarblastsignature.jpg)
Nah, I don't actually dislike it. It looks cool, and SW145 isn't bad.
Stil, I lol'd
As for SW145, it comes in the Super-Cool Nightmare Rex, but yeah.
Stil, I lol'd
As for SW145, it comes in the Super-Cool Nightmare Rex, but yeah.