World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My story The journey of L-Drago and his master John

Dec. 21, 2010  3:02 PM
 
thanks you rock and so does l-drago
Dec. 21, 2010  7:39 PM
 
when r u going to post the next chapter
Dec. 21, 2010  8:09 PM
 
Its awesome that I have Mercury Anubis in the Chapter!
Dec. 21, 2010  10:54 PM
 
Chp 8 A New Enemy. In Jake's eyes. "Heh now hand over you bey kid" i said after beating a young blader. After taking his bey i began to walk to my teams hideout. When i made it there the whole team put the beys they had stole to show me their boss. Our team is known as the Dark Force we take beys from bladers after we beat them. After taking my pick i left to go for a walk when i saw Team Cosmos they had been on tv before and i knew they had stron beys so i ambushed them. "Heh i challenge you to a battle
" i said while pointing at John the leader."I accept" said John. 3 2 1 Let It Rip! My Galaxy Bull 105SD started attacking his L-Drago right away. "Special move Space Horn Crash" i yelled as my bey spirit Bull ran forward and rammed into L-Drago knocking it back. "Time to try out my dark move Dark Move Odin's Dragon" yelled John holding his hands straightforward as two balls of lightning formed in them and went to L-Drago. The dragon soared high above Bull opened its mouth and launched a huge ball of
lightning at Bull knocking it out causing me to lose. As soon as i lost i darted away back to the base carrying my slightly damaged Bull home. End of chapter 8 awesome right?
Dec. 22, 2010  6:38 AM
 
Chp 8 Team Cosmos VS Team Capri
Dec. 22, 2010  8:49 PM
 
Chp 8 Team Cosmos VS Team Capri! "Well guys we made it to the final tounament" said John as the gang entered into the tounament grounds. "These may be the hardest battle's we have ever fought" said Dain. The rest of the team agreed. Suddenly they were approached by a group of
Dec. 24, 2010  5:56 PM
 
a group of what
Dec. 24, 2010  11:56 PM
 
six bladers who were dressed in army looking clothes with their launchers held in belts that looked like the ammunition belts that soldiers wore across them, but instead of having ammo they had all this strange gear.
Dec. 25, 2010  5:32 AM
 
For their launchers. The tallest one said "Hey Cosmos prepare for defeat in the preliminary rounds because we Team Capri are going to defeat you". " Yeah well we will see about that" said John. Both teams then walked to the starting booths. Welcome bladers this is Blader DJ welcoming you to the final tournament. Who will win? Who will lose? Nobody knows. But to begin in the first match we have Usa of Team Cosmos VS Ruka of Team Capri let it begin!
Dec. 29, 2010  6:25 AM
 
Chp 8 3 2 1 Let It Rip! Usa's Pegasus was staying away from Ruka's Flame Capricorn D145SD as it charged at Pegasus. Ruka's strange compass on her launcher grip seemed to had told her where to aim thought Usa. "Special move Fiery Meteor Crash" yelled Usa as Pegasus flew up in the air and crashed down on Capricorn in a fiery blaze. But Capricorn had moved out of Pegasus's way as it had came down. "Surprised" yelled Ruka "now time for my special move Flaming Horn Attack". A goat then appeared out of Capricorn
Jan. 01, 2011  8:42 AM
 
but pegasus beat it and won.
Chp9 Team Cosmos managed to beat all of Team Capri after Usa. Well bladers time for the second round but wait who is that entering right now what send someone down there. Well bladers it seems we have a change in plans the mysterious blader has challenged John the upcoming underdog to a battle let it begin! John studied his opponent he wore a cloak so he could not be seen and a mask so only his hair shown. For some odd reason he looked vaugely familier maybe from his childhood. 3 2 1 Let It Rip! their beys flew into the stadium. The stranger had a Galaxy Pegasus 100 RF and it was viciously attacking L-Drago. "Special Move Galaxy Burst" yelled the stranger in a kidlike voice. Pegasus burst into blue energy and hit L-Drago knocking it off balance. "Wah how did you!?" yelled John. "Special move Planet Crash" yelled the stranger. Pegasus was suddenly encased in stone and Came crashing down on L-Drago hitting it hard. "No" cried John. "Ultimate special move Meteor Storm" yelled the stranger as meteors appeared all over the place and Pegasus had stopped spinning and L-Drago was still spinning but just barely. John had won! to be continued
Jan. 18, 2011  3:06 PM
 
now make a new series about people who steal beys but are like they battke and never show their faces until they are beat
Jan. 26, 2011  5:21 AM
 
i'd say it still look kinda horrible
where did you learn your english?
and your character always wins, and that's no fun
May. 06, 2011  1:30 AM
 
hi my character is gokan itiwoshi
earth serpent ed145 wd
special move groundmoving snake quake
good guy
Jul. 27, 2011  11:30 PM
 
Behold i have returned the story continues. Galaxy Pegasus was suddenly revived and and attacked L-Drago defeating it.
Jul. 28, 2011  7:22 AM
 
errr yes... work on it...
Aug. 02, 2011  11:37 PM
 
(May. 06, 2011  1:30 AM)samsammy6666 Wrote: hi my character is gokan itiwoshi
earth serpent ed145 wd
special move groundmoving snake quake
good guy

Chp.10 The stranger revealed/Earth Snake's power. " But how i beat you you should have lost" said John. " How do you like my new power not the same wimpy Ben anymore huh?" said the stranger. " Ben is it really you and Storm Pegasus? " said John. " Yes ive come to join your team oh and by the way the reason you lost was you turned your gaurd down " said Ben. As John was about to speak a voice said " Lets battle John 1 Bey against 100 " said Jake. " Huh Jake you again? " said John " Yes and this time i brought backup " said Jake as 99 Bladers appeared behind him. " How do you like the Dark Force? " said Jake as the Dark Force armed their launchers. " Fine if its a fight you want its a fight youll get " said John loading L-Drago on his launcher " John you cant take them all by yourself " said Ben " Dont bother its my fight " said John (Ben moved out of the way) " 3 2 1 Let It Rip " yelled John, Jake, and the Dark Force as their Beys entered the battle. TBC
Chp. 10 continued. L-Drago was bashing Beys all around frantically looking for Galaxy Bull as was John looking around and saw that Jake hadnt launched his Bey this angered John as he yelled " Dark Move Thors Hammer " at that command the sky turned dark clouds gathered and L-Drago now covered in lightning crashed into the 99 Beys in an awesome explosion when the smoke cleared the 99 Beys had all fallen apart but L-Drago was about to spin out. " Go Bull " said Jake as Bull flew in the arena " Hey thats cheating " yelled John in unision with his team. Bull kept crashing into L-Drago knocking it off balance with all hope gone the team drooped their heads, but at the last moment a Bey flew at Bull the Bey was not one of the teams Beys. " Special move Groundmoving Snake Quake" yelled an unknown voice as the mystery Bey now under close inspection showed it to be Earth Serpent ED145WD started carving through the ground under Bull suddenly Bull was sucked in then Serpent flew out ramming Bull out of the arena giving Serpent and L-Drago the win. " Well be back again" yelled Jake and the Dark Force running away. " Come on out show yourself " yelled John soon after a boy wearing hiking clothes dropped down in front of them " Hello i am Gokan Itiwoshi and i would like to join Team Cosmos " said Gokan. " Sure now we have 7 members you M
me and the others, now we can enter the Ultimate Bladers tournament " said John. end of Chp. 10 now i can only accept enemy character requests for the UBT. Thank you.
Aug. 03, 2011  12:32 AM
 
Rant Time!

Quite frankly, this sucks. You misspell half of the story, have a Mary-Sue as your main character, don't let John lose, and quadruple post to do one chapter.

Rant Over.
If you thought I was harsh, just wait for Temporal to find this...
Aug. 03, 2011  12:36 AM
 
Oops meant 9 team members
Aug. 03, 2011  1:54 AM
 
If you were talking about there being nine bladders that the main character had to fight, than it is one of the worst coverups I have ever heard. Seriously, you wrote chapter ten and continued it with the 99 bladers, and you even had speech about. If you are saying that it was a typo, than that is a terrible lie. If you are going to write and when someone gives you criticism, you just say that you meant to do something else, than stop writing now. At least acknowledge that you did something wrong, and that it wasn't a typo or something, and then try to improve on it.

Your story is horrendous. The character is a total Mary Sue, and it makes me not even want to read any of this. He is very, VERY uninteresting!!! Give him some flaws and a personality and most of all, MAKE HIM LOSE SOMETIMES!!! How is anyone going to be able to connect with someone like this, it is so unrealistic! Try to make them like a real person.

The formatting is terrible, it is just a block of text. And the grammar is full of mistakes. You are making it harder for people to read this, by making it more strenuous to read. The quality of it is bad already, so why make it more tormenting for people to read?

Is there a plot involved in this story at all, because I read it and I don't see anything. Try to incorporate an interesting storyline so that people will have something to look forward to, not just a series pointless battles. Your description could be greatly improved. Try to picture everything that you want, but five times slower. Describe it that way, including all of your senses and figurative language.

Bringing this story back was pointless! When you revived it, you should have tried to make it the least bit interesting. Really work on improving this stuff so that it can become better, otherwise people will just treat like trash. Sorry if this is overly harsh to you, but I've grown really sick of seeing all of these low quality stories in the Your Creations.
Aug. 03, 2011  3:03 AM
 
No 9 instead of 7 on the team members for Team Cosmic
Aug. 03, 2011  7:20 AM
 
This is the sort of rubbish that makes fanfics look bad...

Why isnt Temporal here? he can smell rubbish stories from the other side of the globe...XD
Aug. 03, 2011  10:37 AM
 
(Aug. 03, 2011  1:54 AM)SwiftShadow Wrote: If you were talking about there being nine bladders that the main character had to fight, than it is one of the worst coverups I have ever heard. Seriously, you wrote chapter ten and continued it with the 99 bladers, and you even had speech about. If you are saying that it was a typo, than that is a terrible lie. If you are going to write and when someone gives you criticism, you just say that you meant to do something else, than stop writing now. At least acknowledge that you did something wrong, and that it wasn't a typo or something, and then try to improve on it.

Your story is horrendous. The character is a total Mary Sue, and it makes me not even want to read any of this. He is very, VERY uninteresting!!! Give him some flaws and a personality and most of all, MAKE HIM LOSE SOMETIMES!!! How is anyone going to be able to connect with someone like this, it is so unrealistic! Try to make them like a real person.

The formatting is terrible, it is just a block of text. And the grammar is full of mistakes. You are making it harder for people to read this, by making it more strenuous to read. The quality of it is bad already, so why make it more tormenting for people to read?

Is there a plot involved in this story at all, because I read it and I don't see anything. Try to incorporate an interesting storyline so that people will have something to look forward to, not just a series pointless battles. Your description could be greatly improved. Try to picture everything that you want, but five times slower. Describe it that way, including all of your senses and figurative language.

Bringing this story back was pointless! When you revived it, you should have tried to make it the least bit interesting. Really work on improving this stuff so that it can become better, otherwise people will just treat like trash. Sorry if this is overly harsh to you, but I've grown really sick of seeing all of these low quality stories in the Your Creations.
AGREED, AGREED, AGREED!!!!!!
THIS THING IS C-R-A-P!
Aug. 03, 2011  12:08 PM
 
THANK YOU! I'm glad you guys finally noticed this pile of Hell Kerbex's carp!
Aug. 03, 2011  6:09 PM
 
I has arrived! ...This. Is. garbage.My mom's DOG writes better than THIS. I mean, really. Please, at least ATTEMPT to spell words right, the storyline is trash, the characters are about as robust as the garbage I just took out that a dog peed on, and really? The story is simply bad. You don't have ANY character development, and the whole point is to say how awesome L-Drago is, and how awesome John is for controlling it. Besides, there is NO WAY that any of this even makes sense. 99 bladers... Dude, watch the first four episodes of Metal Fight Beyblade. It's been done. I've seen better grammar when I helped out a bunch of kindergarten kids, and the story is a brick. It seems you have let the "This is pretty gud!" posts get to your head, even though the story was bad from day one. I have held off on this for a while, HOPING that you'd maybe get better, but it seems you won't. Just kill the story. It's not worth reading; it's not worth writing. Brutally honest opinion. And yet people still wonder why we needed the "State of the Creations Forum" thread. Prime example.
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