World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My first beyblade story : (thinking of name)

Jun. 19, 2011  12:24 AM
 
3000 years after beyblade first started lives a new era of Bladers and beyblades (not sure if this is gonna be good but im trying xD) Bladers must now wield a gauntlet called a Beyfusionr will allow them to control or actually be the beyblade . Beyblade is now more deadly then before (erm yeah i reccomend people10+ to read this xD) The Beyblades and the Bladers have finnaly become one. (i might switch from narraotr to the main charchter perspective from time to time)
Main charchter: Jin (charchter request acepted)
Chapter : In the beginning its all fun and games
It was a very sunny day outside it was summer and it was getting hotter as the days passed by.Jin walked to hes local Beystore to buy a BeyFusion.He was excited he had just got a beyblade for the first time he couldnt wait to try it out.I bought the black Beyfusion i immediately tried it on .It felt lightweight allmost like a feather.I went to the nearest bey park to test my beyblade and the Beyfusion out . He found a staduim with a young boy standing next to it.He looked about Jins age.We both got ready to launch our beys .3..2...1 LET IT RIP .I launched my Ice naiooxs into the staduim.The both of our beys were attack types.I eventually figured out hes beyblade was Fire Ueno . I used my Beyfusion to control my bey i decided i wanted to stay on him .I thrusted my hand towards hes bey.Hes beyblade started to wobble i decided to use my special move .I moved my hand up,left,right,and left again. my beyblade then activated its special move i was going to win!My beys metal wheel turned into ice and rammed Ueno till it stoped spining.I had won my very first beybattle. The kid said that i was pretty strong.No im not strong i just got my beyblade i replied.He said hes name was Travis .We walked home talking about beyblades the whole time.But then i heard a crash.......


Its kinda lengthy i think but tell me how i did and please point out mistakes Joyful_2
Jun. 19, 2011  12:25 AM
 
Grammar mistakes. Also add some spaces after the punctuation
Jun. 19, 2011  12:27 AM
 
Thanks Joyful_2 ill use that advice for the next chapter and do you mind telling me where you see grammr mistakes?
Jun. 19, 2011  12:32 AM
 
Add quotes such as "he died" said someone.
Jun. 19, 2011  12:35 AM
 
0-0 i forgot quotations thanks xD i just remembered
Jun. 19, 2011  12:59 AM
 
Pretty good, i like the concept
Jun. 19, 2011  1:26 AM
 
Name:Andrew Trinogami
Bey:Galaxy Gil F:A (Final Attack)(SF to HF)
Age:12
Special Move:Galactic Tail Whip(Super strong KO)
Description:Andrew lives with his older brother because both of his parents are in the army. He got his bey from his grandfather who was once an excellent blader. Andrew has increased the power of his bey tenfold and is still aiming to be the best
Jun. 19, 2011  1:33 AM
 
Thats ok but um super strong id only use it at teh end of battles if that .. Final attack SF TO HF are they made up or the hasbro and stuff ones?
Since i finnaly thought of a sceneario for chapter 2 u get it early Joyful_2 i swear if i can think up more stuff u will have 6 chapters up in 1 day xD

Chapter 2:The Crash

Travis and I both jumped at the sound of it. I decided to walk over and see what it was .Travis stayed put he said he was to scared. When i looked there was a Man He looked about 17 he was very tall and skinny ,He was Wearing a plaid shirt and with skinny jeans. Where he landed was a giant crater. I stared at him i didnt notice he saw me staring at him. He walked up to me hes eyes looked looked they had flames burning in them I could tell that he was going to do something.Before i could run he grabed me and threw me on the ground.
Travis wondered what happened and came running over .I tried to signal him to stop but he didnt get the message .Travis ran up to the man and started to punch him.The man turned around and looked at him."You are not the one i was sent to retrive go away before i hurt you"The man said.I thought to myself retrive what does he mean by that.The man quickly grabed me again and teleported.I felt like my body was being torn apart and put back together again.When we came out we were in a warehouse .The man opened hes mouth to speak "My master told me to keep a watch on you the second you got that beyblade your a very poweful young man most people dont learn there special moves that easily. I brought you here to help you double your power." He brought me to a staduim. "Ready up " He said. 3...2...1...LET IT RIP . My ice naioox spun around the stage trying to attack hes bey.Every moved just drew down my stamina.He moved hes hand right,up,down,up. Hes beyblades performance tip changed and hes beyblade acted an attack beyblade.I moved my hand down and forward my bey attacked hes from below."Thats not going to work"He said .He moved hes hand right,left,down,right . Hes beyblade had a life sucking energy around it. He started to take hes beyblades power he had a life sucking energy now.But instead of pointing hes hand at my beyblade...He pointed it at me i felt the life being drained of of me.I fell to the floor .He sitll had hes hand pointed at me.I heard a ladies voice ."Thats enough Ben.He has had enough "She said.She droped down from one of the rails at the top of the room.I Gasped for air."Why do you allways have to do this to the recruits?"She said.She walked over to me .She opened her mout"Are you ok sweetie?".She held out a friendly hand .I grabed it and she helped lift me up."Thank you" I said. She said her name was Savannah and the other person name was ben.I looked at her i wondered if they could bring travis here."What about my friend?" I said."Were getting him next he wasnt part of the mission at that presnt time" She said. (good place for me to stop)
Jun. 19, 2011  2:58 AM
 
nice concept dude keep it up
Jun. 19, 2011  3:40 AM
 
Thanks i didnt come up with the concept till i started to write xD i just went with the flow.
Im going to have a name contest Whoever sends me best name will get an extra SPECIAL role in the story Joyful_2 pm pm pm Joyful_2
Jun. 19, 2011  4:47 PM
 
Need scenario help for chapter 3 im putting a new charchter in for chapter 3 =.= i should get sparta to co write
Jun. 19, 2011  7:38 PM
 
Chapter 3:That boy...

I had been training with them for a week now.They brought Travis here also.New recruits came in everyday.I was part of squad 6.Squad 6 was only made up of the best bladers to come in.There was me,Travis,And Andrew. No one really talked to Andrew .He was stronger then us.Savannah came in and opened her mouth"Today i want Jin and Andrew to battle .Don't wreck the place boys" She took a seat next to the stadium and the everyone came over to watch.I didn't want to do this.He was stronger me .. "3...2...1...LET IT RIP " We both shouted.He sat there like it was nothing.Hes bey blade did it just sat there in the middle doing nothing.I moved my hand towards hes bey."If i keep on hitting it it will loose its stamina quickly right " I thought to myself. Hes bey started to wobble."Huh there's no way this is happening no ones beat me this easily"He said jokingly.He moved hes hand Right,up,left,up.Hes bey switched from standing still and wobbling to attacking me back .He's bey did a upper attack.My bey flipped over..."No.....No .NO.I want a rematch later" i said.He smiled at me and said"Your the first person who's actually gave me a challenge.

i stop now
Jun. 20, 2011  4:25 AM
 
(Jun. 19, 2011  1:33 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: Thats ok but um super strong id only use it at teh end of battles if that .. Final attack SF TO HF are they made up or the hasbro and stuff ones?
Since i finnaly thought of a sceneario for chapter 2 u get it early Joyful_2 i swear if i can think up more stuff u will have 6 chapters up in 1 day xD

Chapter 2:The Crash

Travis and I both jumped at the sound of it. I decided to walk over and see what it was .Travis stayed put he said he was to scared. When i looked there was a Man He looked about 17 he was very tall and skinny ,He was Wearing a plaid shirt and with skinny jeans. Where he landed was a giant crater. I stared at him i didnt notice he saw me staring at him. He walked up to me hes eyes looked looked they had flames burning in them I could tell that he was going to do something.Before i could run he grabed me and threw me on the ground.
Travis wondered what happened and came running over .I tried to signal him to stop but he didnt get the message .Travis ran up to the man and started to punch him.The man turned around and looked at him."You are not the one i was sent to retrive go away before i hurt you"The man said.I thought to myself retrive what does he mean by that.The man quickly grabed me again and teleported.I felt like my body was being torn apart and put back together again.When we came out we were in a warehouse .The man opened hes mouth to speak "My master told me to keep a watch on you the second you got that beyblade your a very poweful young man most people dont learn there special moves that easily. I brought you here to help you double your power." He brought me to a staduim. "Ready up " He said. 3...2...1...LET IT RIP . My ice naioox spun around the stage trying to attack hes bey.Every moved just drew down my stamina.He moved hes hand right,up,down,up. Hes beyblades performance tip changed and hes beyblade acted an attack beyblade.I moved my hand down and forward my bey attacked hes from below."Thats not going to work"He said .He moved hes hand right,left,down,right . Hes beyblade had a life sucking energy around it. He started to take hes beyblades power he had a life sucking energy now.But instead of pointing hes hand at my beyblade...He pointed it at me i felt the life being drained of of me.I fell to the floor .He sitll had hes hand pointed at me.I heard a ladies voice ."Thats enough Ben.He has had enough "She said.She droped down from one of the rails at the top of the room.I Gasped for air."Why do you allways have to do this to the recruits?"She said.She walked over to me .She opened her mout"Are you ok sweetie?".She held out a friendly hand .I grabed it and she helped lift me up."Thank you" I said. She said her name was Savannah and the other person name was ben.I looked at her i wondered if they could bring travis here."What about my friend?" I said."Were getting him next he wasnt part of the mission at that presnt time" She said. (good place for me to stop)

F:A is made up
Jun. 20, 2011  4:55 AM
 
Ok thanks Joyful_2 what does it do ?and im not familar with all my beyblade parts do you mind telling me was sf i belive hf is hole flat right?
Please dont steal this idea .... im thinking about having it closed and removed permanetly and im just gonna blog it so i can get discvoered or something. my sister gave me advice because she saw me writing today and pointed a lil flaw out to me aand she told me that people coulds steal it. but i doubt i can get it published since its beyblade and beyblades allready copyrighted .. illl just think of a more unique story Joyful_2
Jun. 20, 2011  11:40 PM
 
it switches from SF to HF when it loses stamina
Jun. 26, 2011  1:46 AM
 
I dont get why im thinking of a chapter for this .no one cares about this anyway -.-