(Jul. 19, 2011 12:36 PM)th!nk Wrote: We have a rough idea. He's only just got the thing, so yeah. Plus, while you do want to be descriptive, you want to go easy on getting bogged down in pages of descriptions.Th!nk, you just hit the nail on the head. While it is helpful to use descriptions in stories, you want to space them out and not describe everything at once, unless it is absolutely necessary.
My First Story - Tala's MFB Reincarnation
Poll: What do you think of my first story?
| Great! I like it! |
|
32 |
| It's pretty good I guess. |
|
2 |
| It needs some work. |
|
0 |
| It's bad, needs a lot of work on it. |
|
2 |
| Total: | 100% | 36 vote(s) |
![[Image: eminemsignew.png]](https://i1121.photobucket.com/albums/l505/spartandranzer/eminemsignew.png)
Haha, yeah, I tend to describe things with long words, and lengthy paragraphs... Gotta work on that.
Also I have a rough draft in my head for Chapter 2
since it's still so early in the story, there are still so many options I can choose from. I'm not sure what I want to do! 
Also I have a rough draft in my head for Chapter 2
since it's still so early in the story, there are still so many options I can choose from. I'm not sure what I want to do!
(Jul. 19, 2011 9:11 PM)Raigeko13 Wrote: Haha, yeah, I tend to describe things with long words, and lengthy paragraphs... Gotta work on that.go w/ the first thing than pops in ur head.
Also I have a rough draft in my head for Chapter 2
![[Image: codemonkeysignature.png]](https://img15.imageshack.us/img15/1137/codemonkeysignature.png)
But the second thing sounds 1000x better o:
Along with the other 100 things LOL
Along with the other 100 things LOL
Haha nice story Rai , do you know when the next chapter is coming?
I'm actually planning on having one done within the week.
There will be no schedule for these, and I think I've finally decided where I wanna go with the story next
There will be no schedule for these, and I think I've finally decided where I wanna go with the story next
This is awesome. For once in a LONG time, I had read one chapter through. Very interesting. KIU.
EDIT: Tip dude. If you having a lot of ideas for a chapter, stick to what you think fits your ORIGINAL plot. Don't keep changing it. Stick to it. This happens to me but I try to choose the best out of all ideas. After writing it in Word, I "smoothen" out words that doesn't fit.
EDIT: Tip dude. If you having a lot of ideas for a chapter, stick to what you think fits your ORIGINAL plot. Don't keep changing it. Stick to it. This happens to me but I try to choose the best out of all ideas. After writing it in Word, I "smoothen" out words that doesn't fit.
Hey guys, sorry I haven't added the chapter I promised a LONG time ago 
Since school has started this week I got bored and started writing, and now I have a whole page already for the next chapter I should have it up very soon, sorry for the long wait! 
Since school has started this week I got bored and started writing, and now I have a whole page already for the next chapter
I should have it up very soon, sorry for the long wait!
Wow.. The story introduction is good! I like the way you compared the story to real life reactions, the way we all reacted towards MFB parts being so small. That was good. Also, I liked the way you made it similar to Tala.
The only negative I am going to say is that if Tala is 19, should he be having a wife? Lol...
Other than that, it is a decent start to a story. Keep it up
The only negative I am going to say is that if Tala is 19, should he be having a wife? Lol...
Other than that, it is a decent start to a story. Keep it up
![[Image: Tala_3.png]](https://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr55/KidTala/Tala_3.png)
>.> I never even thought about that and his wife. Tbh I kind of wish I hadn't added her in xD She's not going to be a big part of the story. I'm just dreading typing up all that I've written, it's sooo much.. XD
Sorry for double post!
I've been away and I've had time to write, so Chapter 2 shall be up tomorrow!
I've been away and I've had time to write, so Chapter 2 shall be up tomorrow!
Spoiler (Click to View)
This is pretty good, a lot better than the $#!% a lot of us have been seeing around the Your Creations forum...
I think I should get back into doing my story XD
I think I should get back into doing my story XD
![[Image: 9UtS2.png]](https://gfxf.net/images/2013/03/21/9UtS2.png)
Chapter 2:
As I was walking home, I began to wonder what was going to happen next. Would I stay in this boring town, and live out my life, never using Wolborg, or would I set out on an adventure, battling everyone, everyday, to make it to the top? It was still an unclear decision in my mind, but I knew the right answer. Beytaku is a boring town, it's located in Europe, where it's pretty cold. My breath was showing due to how cold it was here. It's always been this way. That's why I like it here though. No other reasons other than that, and an odd connection here. My family has lived here for generations, and I plan to keep it that way.
Suddenly there was a scream in the nearby park. It was faint, but noticeable barely, due to the thicket of trees that were on the outer rim everywhere in the park. I stopped, and began to sprint in the immediate direction of of the scream. Was it a trap, or a legitimate person in peril?
Night fell upon Beytaku.
The lights dazzled everywhere outside of the park, but on the inside the clustered trees blocked out most of it. The park was darker and colder than anywhere else in town. These trees were like a barrier of some sorts. I was sprinting through the dark path, with the occasional yellow lamp post . Other than those, it was total darkness. The path spiraled left and right, back and forth, but I eventually would reach the center where I believe the scream came from, due to the faintness, and that it's the deepest part of the park.
Another scream.
Faster.
FASTER.
I was in a dead sprint, probably the longest and fastest time I've ever ran in my life.
I arrived in the middle of the park and bent over, panting hard from a lack of oxygen. I stood up, and was amazed at what sat in front of me. A fountain; it was a beautifully crafted bust of an angel, made out of the finest crystal I had ever seen. A bright light sat above it, giving it some light so it was visible. Water was spouting from the clear crystal lips of the angel. It had wings as well, but they were no ordinary wings. They were made in the shape of... Ice Crystals? I looked down to the feet of the angel, and was astonished as I noticed something peculiar.
A wolf.
I touched the statue, it was colder than this whole town has, or will ever be. car drove by, headlights peeking through the trees barely, making the whole sculpture come alive. It twinkled like a star in the night sky of a barren land where no lights could disturb their presence. There was something bronze below the fountain, a plaque.
"Fountain of the Wolborg, protector of this village since its founding."
I said under my breath, "I've lived here how long, and never noticed, OR heard of this before? God, I really need to start getting out..."
I was getting off track of what I had originally come to do. I need to focus on what I was doing previously, now that I've had time to rest and catch my breath, I feel like a new person.
Rustling in the trees.
"Who goes there?" I asked in a serious tone.
"..." Nothing. No response.
"Show yourself coward." I said. I was beginning to wonder if it was nothing but an animal that roamed the park. But what animal would come to such a cold place? A wolf for sure, but none of them have lived even remotely close since I was born.
"... HOOOWWWLLLL!!!
As I was walking home, I began to wonder what was going to happen next. Would I stay in this boring town, and live out my life, never using Wolborg, or would I set out on an adventure, battling everyone, everyday, to make it to the top? It was still an unclear decision in my mind, but I knew the right answer. Beytaku is a boring town, it's located in Europe, where it's pretty cold. My breath was showing due to how cold it was here. It's always been this way. That's why I like it here though. No other reasons other than that, and an odd connection here. My family has lived here for generations, and I plan to keep it that way.
Suddenly there was a scream in the nearby park. It was faint, but noticeable barely, due to the thicket of trees that were on the outer rim everywhere in the park. I stopped, and began to sprint in the immediate direction of of the scream. Was it a trap, or a legitimate person in peril?
Night fell upon Beytaku.
The lights dazzled everywhere outside of the park, but on the inside the clustered trees blocked out most of it. The park was darker and colder than anywhere else in town. These trees were like a barrier of some sorts. I was sprinting through the dark path, with the occasional yellow lamp post . Other than those, it was total darkness. The path spiraled left and right, back and forth, but I eventually would reach the center where I believe the scream came from, due to the faintness, and that it's the deepest part of the park.
Another scream.
Faster.
FASTER.
I was in a dead sprint, probably the longest and fastest time I've ever ran in my life.
I arrived in the middle of the park and bent over, panting hard from a lack of oxygen. I stood up, and was amazed at what sat in front of me. A fountain; it was a beautifully crafted bust of an angel, made out of the finest crystal I had ever seen. A bright light sat above it, giving it some light so it was visible. Water was spouting from the clear crystal lips of the angel. It had wings as well, but they were no ordinary wings. They were made in the shape of... Ice Crystals? I looked down to the feet of the angel, and was astonished as I noticed something peculiar.
A wolf.
I touched the statue, it was colder than this whole town has, or will ever be. car drove by, headlights peeking through the trees barely, making the whole sculpture come alive. It twinkled like a star in the night sky of a barren land where no lights could disturb their presence. There was something bronze below the fountain, a plaque.
"Fountain of the Wolborg, protector of this village since its founding."
I said under my breath, "I've lived here how long, and never noticed, OR heard of this before? God, I really need to start getting out..."
I was getting off track of what I had originally come to do. I need to focus on what I was doing previously, now that I've had time to rest and catch my breath, I feel like a new person.
Rustling in the trees.
"Who goes there?" I asked in a serious tone.
"..." Nothing. No response.
"Show yourself coward." I said. I was beginning to wonder if it was nothing but an animal that roamed the park. But what animal would come to such a cold place? A wolf for sure, but none of them have lived even remotely close since I was born.
"... HOOOWWWLLLL!!!
Awsome; how many chapters do you plan to make cuz this is kinda like one of the two best beystorys i'v ever read
I don't know but I'm pretty sure this won't be the last one! Thanks for reading!
Thanks for reading!
Married At 19? o:
finaly somthin as good as harry potter make old wolgorg break a mfb lol
I should really make another chapter in this o:
Would anyone like to see another chapter?
Would anyone like to see another chapter?
I would I quite like this story.
(Oct. 27, 2011 1:15 AM)Raigeko13 Wrote: I should really make another chapter in this o:Do it, bro. I'm loving this story... it's among the best I've seen. I had a similar story, just on a not-so-good level XD
Would anyone like to see another chapter?
Seriously, write a 3rd chapter. Don't leave me hangin'
Okay so with a bit of talking to Pimpju and some hardcore criticizing, I think what I'm gonna do is -
1. Rewrite the story.
Pimpju pointed out some serious flaws, even some that have been mentioned before.
2. Go ahead and make a 3rd chapter to fit the current setting of the story - after I do this, I will rewrite it and see how everyone likes it.
1. Rewrite the story.
Pimpju pointed out some serious flaws, even some that have been mentioned before.
2. Go ahead and make a 3rd chapter to fit the current setting of the story - after I do this, I will rewrite it and see how everyone likes it.
GO FOR IT!
![[Image: kiritoxasua_tag_1_crop_awesome_by_kujikato-d8mkgbh.png]](https://orig08.deviantart.net/b598/f/2015/080/f/6/kiritoxasua_tag_1_crop_awesome_by_kujikato-d8mkgbh.png)
Awesome. DO ANOTHER CHAPTER DD
Epic
DDEpic
![[Image: JCx06-Driger.jpg]](https://content.screencast.com/users/justin.chung/folders/Default/media/af847311-67cf-47b3-97b1-0b13d00c1ab7/JCx06-Driger.jpg)