World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My First Story- Rays of Victory [Accepting Character Requests]

Jul. 18, 2011  11:47 PM
 
Hey, guys. Smile This is my first attempt at a story on the WBO, so it'll be a little rusty. As of now, I'm taking character requests, so here is the format for how to request a character:

-Name
-Physical Appearance (age, hair/eye color, clothes, etc.)
-Personality (loudmouth, determined, 'emo', etc.)
-Bey (can use real parts or parts that aren't real)
-Bey's Special Move (describe what it does)

Without further ado, let's get started! Smile

Chapter 1: Unicorno Joins the Brawl

The park. It was one of the only places that people young and old could escape the troubles of their lives. From toddlers to teens, and young adults to grandparents, there was always a place for everyone at the park. The sun was shining, a cool breeze blew, and the laughter of kids filled the air.
A 12-year old boy named Ryan Nix was sitting on the park bench, fiddling with something in his hands. A little girl came over to him and asked, "Whatcha doing? Wanna play kickball with us?
Ryan was immersed in what was in his hands, so he didn't respond. The girl walked closer to see what he was holding.
"What's that thing?" she asked, with a confused look on her face.
Ryan looked up, and his dirty blonde hair covered his glasses and his emerald green eyes.
"It's called a Beyblade. There are 5 components to one." From there, he explained each of the parts' uses and how to battle Beyblades.
"That sounds really cool!" the girl exclaimed, with excitement in her eyes. "What Beyblade do you have?
"Mine is Burn Unicorno AD145SD," he replied. "It's a stamina type." By then, a number of kids had begun to group around Ryan.
One of them shouted out, "How do you get a Beyblade? They sound awesome!" All of the other kids began to ask that same question.
"Calm down, everyone," Ryan said firmly. "I got mine from my dad. He used it when he was a kid. One night, we polished it up, and he gave it to me, hoping I would like it as much as he did." He looked down at Unicorno and smiled. "I've loved it since that night."
"Aww, how sweet. NOT," came a voice from behind the bushes. The figure stepped out from behind the bushes. It was a male, about 13 or so, wearing a grey shirt and torn blue jeans. He had a sinister smile on his face, along with a scar below his left eye.
"If you think you're so special, my Bey and I will prove you wrong!" he shouted. The guy then pulled out his Beyblade. "Meet Fang Capricorne 90XF!" At this point, the kids that were gathered around Ryan were slowly backing away, with terrified looks on their faces.
Ryan looked at the kids, then nodded. He faced the guy, and asked, "Who are you? Why are you here?"
The shady guy chuckled and replied, "The name is Matt. Matt Wilson. Now, are you going to battle me or what?" Matt then pulled out his Launcher and put Capricorne on it.
With a quick smirk, Ryan whipped out his Launcher Grip, snapped his Beylauncher into place, and attatched Unicorno to the Beylauncher. "Sure," he said in a low voice. "Just one thing- if you lose, you have to give me half of your BeyPoints!"
Matt looked shocked for one second, but then he seemed to recover. "Fine, sounds good to me. Now let's get this started!" With that, Ryan and Matt yelled in unison, "3, 2, 1, Go SHOOT!" and the two Beyblades flew into battle.

End of Chapter 1

Criticism is welcome, negative or positive. Grin Did anyone get the reference I made with the chapter name?
Jul. 19, 2011  12:13 AM
 
...Nice Brawl reference, bad execution of the chapter. Introductory chapter, I get it, but it a bit...regular. I could place this side-by-side with any other first chapter, and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Originality, people. Plus, I don't like character requests off the bat. Build on the character that are already there. Nice basics, though. Relatively solid grammar, good spelling, and a nice title.
Jul. 19, 2011  12:39 AM
 
Thanks, I appreciate that. I'll try to use the suggestions you made in the next chapter.
Jul. 20, 2011  6:30 PM
 
Chapter 2: The Mysterious Matt

"Go SHOOT!"
Ryan and Matt had started their battle. Both Beys landed on the ground, inches away from each other. Right off the bat, Matt decided to go directly for Unicorno.
"Now, Capricorne! Fang Screwdriver!" Matt commanded. Capricorne curved down towards Unicorno, as the spirit inside of it began to glow.
"Unicorno, get out of there!" shouted Ryan. Instantly, Unicorno began to pick up speed and charged to the left. Matt wasn't expecting this, and Capricorne kept going and ran into a tree.
"Carp it!" Matt exclaimed in anger. "Let's get back to business! Capricorne!"
Ryan smiled, and said, "Let's go Unicorno! Burning Lightning Strike!" Despite the stamina-based Bottom, Unicorno picked up lots of aggression and collided into Capricorne. The two kept attacking each other, but an idea suddenly came to Matt.
"Get him from behind!" he shouted. Capricorne did a quick u-turn and attacked Unicorno from the back. The combined attack power of the Fang wheel and XF hit it hard, but Unicorno still held on.
I'm in a tough situation, Ryan thought. How can one Bey have so much attack power?! Then he remembered something his dad had told him.
"Unicorno, finish him! Pulsing Green Impalement!" Unicorno got a green glow around it, and as the unicorn spirit appeared, the area flashed a bright green. The children that had been watching were covering their eyes, and some were crying.
When the light was gone, Capricorne had stopped spinning and was up in a tree. Unicorno was the victor.
Ryan picked his Bey up and walked over to Matt, who was staring at the tree in disbelief.
"Need a hand?" he asked, as he extended his hand. Matt hesitated, but then took his hand and stood up.
"Thanks," he said. Now, how are we going to get Capricorne out of that tree...?"
One of the kids jumped up and said, "I"m really good at climbing trees! Can I get it?"
"Sure, just dont break anything," Matt said, as the kid ran off.
"So, who exactly are you?" Ryan asked.
"I'm Matt Wilson, but you already know that," he explained. "I'm the same as you; just an enthusiastic blader. I don't know what I was saying earlier. That was one heck of a battle you put up." He looked at the sky, then continued.
"My story is very different than yours. One day, when I was about six years old, I was playing in my back yard. I saw something shiny in the ground, so I picked it up, and it was Capricorne," he said. "I never told anybody about it, because I really liked it. So here I am, seven years later, with that same Beyblade stuck in a tree."
They both laughed. The boy from earlier was running back to Matt with Capricorne, saying, "Here you go! It was really high up there, like a million feet high!"
Matt and Ryan laughed again. Matt thanked him, and the boy went off to start a game of Hide and Seek.
"Soo..." Ryan began. "Would you like to join me? We could form a team or something. How does that sound to you?"
Matt thought about it for a second, then chuckled and said, "Sure. But there's something I need to tell you first." He smiled, and said, "I'm not who you think I am."

End of Chapter 2

I know, I know, cheesy ending, but I didn't want to give away that he was the *whisper whisper* just yet. Chapter 3 should be here Friday or Saturday.
Jul. 20, 2011  7:26 PM
 
Name: Yuuki Yumiya
Bey: Ray Libra 85CS
Special Move: Lightning Patrol; Ray Libra raises a foot into the air and rapidly hits the opponent.
Clothes: Blue Skirt, White T-Shirt,
Equipment: Red Grip Launcher, Green String Launcher, Yellow rubber on string.
Personality: Kind but can be mean and tormenting sometimes.

Maybe you can do something with that.
Jul. 20, 2011  8:14 PM
 
Not bad of A story here is a harecter you could use (may a have a little too much detail)

Name: Klonya
Personality: A strong beyspirt, Popular, Like kyoya
Bey: Cyrstal Leone GB145WD (crystal is fang but clear)
Special Move: Cyrstal Tear! The bey spins and creates a tornado and picks up rubble and throws it at its opponet
Jul. 20, 2011  8:30 PM
 
burnblader Accepted! I'll try to squeeze him/her into Chapter 3.

@Fyurity- Still need the physical appearance.
Jul. 20, 2011  8:43 PM
 
It's a she by the way.
Jul. 20, 2011  8:44 PM
 
This is what he looks like
He is 14 and yes he has a cape.
[Image: 2ln9wkg.png]
sorry it was hard to explain so i needed to do the pic
Jul. 20, 2011  8:51 PM
 
Alright, he is accepted. If possible, he'll be in the end of Chapter 3, and if not, he'll be in Chapter 4.
Jul. 20, 2011  8:56 PM
 
ok cool XD
Jul. 21, 2011  5:20 PM
 
-Name:Xyn
-Physical Appearance:Tall, very pale, wears a black cloak to hide his face.
-PersonalityEeevil, sadistic, cruel, likes to destroy peoples beys, emo
-BeyTongue_outhantom Nemesis 100 XD
-Bey's Special MoveTongue_outsychotic meltdown:Charges at the opponent and hits them hard.Then the opponent explodes into millions of pieces
Jul. 21, 2011  7:22 PM
 
(Jul. 21, 2011  5:20 PM)Nyan Cat Wrote: -Name:Xyn
-Physical Appearance:Tall, very pale, wears a black cloak to hide his face.
-PersonalityEeevil, sadistic, cruel, likes to destroy peoples beys, emo
-BeyTongue_outhantom Nemesis 100 XD
-Bey's Special MoveTongue_outsychotic meltdown:Charges at the opponent and hits them hard.Then the opponent explodes into millions of pieces

Accepted! He'll probably be in Chapter 4 or 5.

Also, I can only take two or three more requests for the time being.
Jul. 21, 2011  9:23 PM
 
A writer at about my level. not too bad a story but you need to describe a bit more. dont let that battle go so quickly describe the beys' movements. it is a great story but remember LESS SPEECH, MORE DESCRIPTION
Jul. 28, 2011  2:28 PM
 
Sorry guys, but I've gotten a severe case of- *shudders* writer's block. So since I'll be gone until Sunday, expect Chapter 3 then or Monday. No later! Thank you all for your patience. Smile