[Fan Fiction]  The Jakkyrz Razaaz- The Banished Gods (FBW Saga)

(May. 06, 2021  5:53 PM)Instarez Wrote:
(May. 06, 2021  5:51 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Wait? You actually read my fan fic?

So, what actually happens is that Gingka puts his hand outward, and a black hole appears. The black hole pulls the universe toward itself, like the bey he's battling. That's orginally my thought for Universal Pull. I do need the last part. Dialouge for the chapter/episode.

So he makes a black hole that pulls everything towards it? Just say that he stretches' out his hands and then a large black hole forms. Then everything is pulled towards it, even the universe itself.

oh okay. That sounds good. Thanks a lot.
Black Hole! Universal Pull!

Chapter being posted tommorow or day after tommorow. Sorry for delay.
All good can't wait for the next chapter
Half way through chapter. No Guarantees when it will be posted.
Guaranteed chapter tommorow or day after tommorow at the very least. I'm done with the chapter just final touches needed.
Just found this! Going to use some of my free time to browse through this fanfic. Forgive me for the potential liking notification spam (Ill try my best not to like all of the chapters as to save you from spam, but I have a feeling the rest is good! /pos)
(May. 17, 2021  3:34 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: Just found this! Going to use some of my free time to browse through this fanfic. Forgive me for the potential liking notification spam (Ill try my best not to like all of the chapters as to save you from spam, but I have a feeling the rest is good! /pos)

I don't mind at all. I'm happy someone's reading my fan fic lol. Any sugesstions? Critiscm? Ratings?
(May. 17, 2021  3:42 AM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 17, 2021  3:34 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: Just found this! Going to use some of my free time to browse through this fanfic. Forgive me for the potential liking notification spam (Ill try my best not to like all of the chapters as to save you from spam, but I have a feeling the rest is good! /pos)

I don't mind at all. I'm happy someone's reading my fan fic lol. Any sugesstions? Critiscm? Ratings?

Not at the moment, no. I would feel really terrible suggesting and critiquing stuff, since I know everyone writes differently and at their own pace (and for the most part, thats what makes every writer unique!). Wouldnt be nice if I gave you a critique before I could read and enjoy all of it, haha /lh

As of now, I enjoy your writing style! And I especially like how you convey the characters’ feelings and personality so well
(May. 17, 2021  3:44 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote:
(May. 17, 2021  3:42 AM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: I don't mind at all. I'm happy someone's reading my fan fic lol. Any sugesstions? Critiscm? Ratings?

Not at the moment, no. I would feel really terrible suggesting and critiquing stuff, since I know everyone writes differently and at their own pace (and for the most part, thats what makes every writer unique!). Wouldnt be nice if I gave you a critique before I could read and enjoy all of it, haha /lh

As of now, I enjoy your writing style! And I especially like how you convey the characters’ feelings and personality so well

Yeah, that's good. My notifs WBO feed went from 0 to 97, but not all of them were yours lol. It's fine, like my posts, so I can know that you are reading them.
If youre seriously down to hear some critique, however, then I suppose I can share it. I suppose its fine because these arent huge nitpicks — because really, my interest and enjoyment of the story is greater than the flaws of it. Treat my critique with a grain of salt! Because again, Im not bothered. You have talent; kudos for that

Some small stuff would be generic spelling and capitalizing words such as “Beyblade” and related terms. Could be easily fixed via checking the Beyblade wiki and official material so you can spell names correctly and all that

I also think there could be more “show, not tell” technique used. A lot of the phrases such as “Valt was flabbergasted” could be done by describing the appearance, looks, setting, etc. instead — for example, to show Valt being flabbergasted without straightforwardly saying so, you could say that his eyes widened and that he backed up a little. “Tell, not show” and getting straight to the point more often than needed can make the story seem flat and robotic-sounding

Key word: more — I didnt say only! Smile The entire story doesnt need to have all “show, not tell” and zero straightforwardness. Just balance it out to your liking!

Thats it, of course. These are still very small and therefore, did not excessively get in the way of my enjoyment of the story. Awesome work!
(May. 17, 2021  5:16 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: If youre seriously down to hear some critique, however, then I suppose I can share it. I suppose its fine because these arent huge nitpicks — because really, my interest and enjoyment of the story is greater than the flaws of it. Treat my critique with a grain of salt! Because again, Im not bothered. You have talent; kudos for that

Some small stuff would be generic spelling and capitalizing words such as “Beyblade” and related terms. Could be easily fixed via checking the Beyblade wiki and official material so you can spell names correctly and all that

I also think there could be more “show, not tell” technique used. A lot of the phrases such as “Valt was flabbergasted” could be done by describing the appearance, looks, setting, etc. instead — for example, to show Valt being flabbergasted without straightforwardly saying so, you could say that his eyes widened and that he backed up a little. “Tell, not show” and getting straight to the point more often than needed can make the story seem flat and robotic-sounding

Key word: more — I didnt say only! Smile The entire story doesnt need to have all “show, not tell” and zero straightforwardness. Just balance it out to your liking!

Thats it, of course. These are still very small and therefore, did not excessively get in the way of my enjoyment of the story. Awesome work!

Yeah, I'll work on that. Thanks a lot for the suggestions. Only few people give me good advice lol. Thanks a lot. Also, overall, what's you're rating for the chapters you've read yet? Out of ten.
(May. 17, 2021  3:39 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 17, 2021  5:16 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: If youre seriously down to hear some critique, however, then I suppose I can share it. I suppose its fine because these arent huge nitpicks — because really, my interest and enjoyment of the story is greater than the flaws of it. Treat my critique with a grain of salt! Because again, Im not bothered. You have talent; kudos for that

Some small stuff would be generic spelling and capitalizing words such as “Beyblade” and related terms. Could be easily fixed via checking the Beyblade wiki and official material so you can spell names correctly and all that

I also think there could be more “show, not tell” technique used. A lot of the phrases such as “Valt was flabbergasted” could be done by describing the appearance, looks, setting, etc. instead — for example, to show Valt being flabbergasted without straightforwardly saying so, you could say that his eyes widened and that he backed up a little. “Tell, not show” and getting straight to the point more often than needed can make the story seem flat and robotic-sounding

Key word: more — I didnt say only! Smile The entire story doesnt need to have all “show, not tell” and zero straightforwardness. Just balance it out to your liking!

Thats it, of course. These are still very small and therefore, did not excessively get in the way of my enjoyment of the story. Awesome work!

Yeah, I'll work on that. Thanks a lot for the suggestions. Only few people give me good advice lol. Thanks a lot. Also, overall, what's you're rating for the chapters you've read yet? Out of ten.

Id give the whole story so far 8/10 (apologies, I just find it hard to rate individual chapters themselves and prefer doing the whole story, haha /lh). For the most part — and again — I like the plot and the premise, and the execution of it. The story is at the right pace to keep me interested, not being too slow or too fast for my liking. And its wonderful to see all of the Beyblade villains of course!
(May. 17, 2021  5:03 PM)XSabxManiacX Wrote:
(May. 17, 2021  3:39 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Yeah, I'll work on that. Thanks a lot for the suggestions. Only few people give me good advice lol. Thanks a lot. Also, overall, what's you're rating for the chapters you've read yet? Out of ten.

Id give the whole story so far 8/10 (apologies, I just find it hard to rate individual chapters themselves and prefer doing the whole story, haha /lh). For the most part — and again — I like the plot and the premise, and the execution of it. The story is at the right pace to keep me interested, not being too slow or too fast for my liking. And its wonderful to see all of the Beyblade villains of course!

Yeah Thanks. I'm writing a chapter of this fan fic rn.
Im screaming

3, 2, 1, Let it RIP
H-here we go, it's a new way
Th-th-th-this is Beyblade
Pure heart, unwavering mind, persisting to win
Spin, spin, spinning on the top,
Spin, spin, spin 'til you drop,
Rising in power
Climbing Heights
Achieving goals
Never giving up
Never fading
Legends...
Never...
Die...
It's the future and the present
New powers
We're stronger and smarter
Combining hearts and mind
Reaching the top
Spin, spin, spinning on the top,
Spin, spin, spin 'til you get trashed,
Decimating the plan,
Knock ya off balance,
Obilerating the very next challenge
I'm defeated
But reborn
Blading with heart
Power thrumming in my veins
Calling out a special move
Spin, Spin, spin 'til you drop
Spin, Spin, on the peak
Being a legend
breaking through old limits
power, power
putting through the limits
Let it Rip!
Wait a minute-
Isn't this the same song for The Scion of Legends series?
Theme Song: Legends Never Die

I think we're ready for a new Era
Legacies and Legends
We can Surpass Our Rivals
Beyblade
Beyblade
Spin, Spin, Spin, Spin!
Power surging through our beys
Giving us hope
to achieve our dream
Not giving Up
Defeating the Legends
To become the Legend!
Spin, Spin, Spin at the peak
All admire the Legend
Put your belief to the test
Always say to you're self
"I'm the best, the strongest, the unwavering Legend"
I repeated it
And soooon
It became true for me
I am the Legend
Together we'll win!
This is rebirth
of the Legend
Never give in!
Never giving up!
We've have to put our belief
In ourselves
Legend
All admire
I'll win!
I will never give up
"My name is Ryuga and I reign over this World as the strongest, the Dragon Emperor Himself!"
LEGENDS, NEVER....
Die
Beyblade!
Spin,
Spin,
Spin,
Spinning,
at the Very Top
Without any doubts
Any delusions
Belief
Heart beating Loudly through the Legends' Ears.
Beyblade Beyblade Beyblade!
Beyblade Beyblade!
I am ready for a new Quest
Dominating the very world
With my feats
When Legends lose
They lose honorably
Never giving in
Never abandoning they're purpose
When we're soaked in the deep waves of battle,
That's when my bey spirit will prove it to you
Beyblade our way to the top.
Fate will knock you off
But, climb on
True loss is when you give up
Beyblade!
Beyblade!
Beyblade!
Beyblade!
Three
Two
One...
Go...
Shoot!

(May. 18, 2021  7:14 PM)PinkRose Wrote: Wait a minute-
Isn't this the same song for The Scion of Legends series?

It was a draft. Look above. You will see the final theme song.
Sounds like a great song Ryuga
(May. 19, 2021  12:56 AM)SSJBDoku Wrote: Sounds like a great song Ryuga

Thanks dude.
Black Hole! Universal Pull!

i'm batman
Pixi
sushiroll1234


Damian gestured at the ground, and two walls began to sprout upward, separating Gingka and his friends.

King prepared to launch his bey to destroy the wall, but Gingka motioned for him to let it go.

The walls completely separated Gingka and the others.

“Now no one can interfere. I will tear Pegasus’ wings to pieces!”, cruelly laughed Damian, his aura of darkness flaring up.

“Damian, stop. You can join me. You can forgo this. You are being cleverly manipulated by Doji. Almost the exact thing that happened to Ryuga. Listen to me, and you will get everything that you want. You are an exceptionally talented blader, and you could grow to become one of the strongest bladers of all time. Damian. Come on”, calmly said Gingka, persuasion in his voice.

Damian laughed his demonic laugh again.

“You really think that could save you? My Asmodeus reigns over Hell, and he will claim Earth and all the other worlds as an extension of Hell itself!”, grinned Damian, amused.

Gingka sighed, with deep regret.

Gingka and Damian took their positions in the stadium as the battle began.

Pegasus in Gingka’s hand shined, filled with divine light.

“Pegasus’ spirit will face eternal torture in Hell, and you will be CRUSHED!”, cruelly said Damian, his voice ringing throughout the whole stadium.

Gingka took a deep breath, relaxing.

“THREE…. TWO… ONE….GO SHOOT!”

Damian’s launch was so strong that his launcher flew out of his hands, but Asmodeus twisted and landed on the stadium.

Damian’s launcher shattered, piece scattering all over the ground.

Damian showed no disappointment or regret for his launcher, his eyes intensely staring at Pegasus, which was revolving.

Asmodeus ran after Pegasus, seemingly trying to attack it.

When Asmodeus was about to clash into Pegasus, it suddenly switched directions.

“What?! Left rotation?”, questioned Gingka, taking a step back in surprise.

Asmodeus speedily zoomed across the stadium, and black-red lines carved on the stadium.

The twisted lines surrounded half of the stadium.

Damian grinned.

A barrier formed, and Pegasus was knocked over to the other side of the stadium.

“Pegasus, Soar High!”

Pegasus flew off the stadium, rising in the air to gain strength.

But, a barrier appeared, and pummeled Pegasus down.

Pegasus quickly recovered, using it’s newly developed stamina and balance

“Starcrusher Wings!! Time to kiss your barrier GOODBYE!” said Gingka.

Pegasus emerged, an angelic being holding the light of hope.

Pegasus thrashed against the barrier ferociously.

The core of the barrier cracked, and Pegasus delivered a down-cutter wing attack.

The wings blasted the barrier to pieces.

Damian furiously roared.

“Finish it now, Pegasus! Another Starcrusher”, said GIngka, his blader spirit boiling.

His aura was threaded to Pegasus, a connection that was beyond comprehension.

“You…”, Damian shook his head with anger. “Go, Asmodeus, Go light the Lights of Hell!”

Asmodeus switched modes, it’s track’s frames switching.

Asmodeus’ avatar appeared, bows ready to serve Hell and disgrace Heaven.

Asmodeus released the bows’ strings, and arrows flew toward Pegasus.
“Pegasus…”, grimaced Gingka. His voice was soaked in concern.

The arrows were like lights, orange-redish lights.

The arrows struck Pegasus, hammering it into the sky.

Pegasus shrieked.

“Haha, Haha!”, laughed Damian.

Asmodeus repeated his attack, arrows buried into Pegasus.

Gingka took back five steps; his shock was unconcealed.

“You’ll regret ever messing with me!”, said Damian.

Damian chuckled, his aura collapsing over the stadium.

“Here! This is the Ninth Prosecution of Hell!”

Gingka opened his eyes, his eyes filled with desperation.

The arrows disappeared, but the injuries remained.

“Pegasus Power Up!”, said Gingka.

Pegasus powered up, it’s energy circulating.

Asmodeus was much quicker, clashing down at Pegasus, pinning it to the very edge of the stadium.

“This is it! Abyssal Backslash!”, bellowed Damina.

Asmodeus slipped away from Pegasus, going behind it. Blades retracted from Asmodeus.

Asmodeus brutally slashed Pegasus, catapulting Pegasus into the air.

Pegasus cracked at its two sides; the sound vibrating throughout the whole stadium.

Damian cackled, the voice booming in Gingka’s ear.

Gingka stared at Pegasus falling, it felt as if a century was passing by.

“Pegasus! After all that we’ve done, DON’T LOSE...”, yelped Gingka, his aura turning black. “Open your wings! Here I go..!”

Pegasus stabilized itself in the air.

Gingka aligned his hands like a spiky hole.

“My New Special Move…”, Gingka yelled, his aura condensing into his spiky-ball that his hands formed. “UNIVERSAL PULL!”

His aura-shaped ball grew big, and an enormous transcendent hole came into being.

“A….BLACK...Hole?!”, screeched Damian.
(May. 31, 2021  5:36 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Black Hole! Universal Pull!

i'm batman
Pixi
sushiroll1234


Damian gestured at the ground, and two walls began to sprout upward, separating Gingka and his friends.

King prepared to launch his bey to destroy the wall, but Gingka motioned for him to let it go.

The walls completely separated Gingka and the others.

“Now no one can interfere. I will tear Pegasus’ wings to pieces!”, cruelly laughed Damian, his aura of darkness flaring up.

“Damian, stop. You can join me. You can forgo this. You are being cleverly manipulated by Doji. Almost the exact thing that happened to Ryuga. Listen to me, and you will get everything that you want. You are an exceptionally talented blader, and you could grow to become one of the strongest bladers of all time. Damian. Come on”, calmly said Gingka, persuasion in his voice.

Damian laughed his demonic laugh again.

“You really think that could save you? My Asmodeus reigns  over Hell, and he will claim Earth and all the other worlds as an extension of Hell itself!”, grinned Damian, amused.

Gingka sighed, with deep regret.

Gingka and Damian took their positions in the stadium as the battle began.

Pegasus in Gingka’s hand shined, filled with divine light.

“Pegasus’ spirit will face eternal torture in Hell, and you will be CRUSHED!”, cruelly said Damian, his voice ringing throughout the whole stadium.

Gingka took a deep breath, relaxing.

“THREE…. TWO… ONE….GO SHOOT!”

Damian’s launch was so strong that his launcher flew out of his hands, but Asmodeus twisted and landed on the stadium.

Damian’s launcher shattered, piece scattering all over the ground.

Damian showed no disappointment or regret for his launcher, his eyes intensely staring at Pegasus, which was revolving.

Asmodeus ran after Pegasus, seemingly trying to attack it.

When Asmodeus was about to clash into Pegasus, it suddenly switched directions.

“What?! Left rotation?”, questioned Gingka, taking a step back in surprise.

Asmodeus speedily zoomed across the stadium, and black-red lines carved on the stadium.

The twisted lines surrounded half of the stadium.

Damian grinned.

A barrier formed, and Pegasus was knocked over to the other side of the stadium.

“Pegasus, Soar High!”

Pegasus flew off the stadium, rising in the air to gain strength.

But, a barrier appeared, and pummeled Pegasus down.

Pegasus quickly recovered, using it’s newly developed stamina and balance

“Starcrusher Wings!! Time to kiss your barrier GOODBYE!” said Gingka.

Pegasus emerged, an angelic being holding the light of hope.

Pegasus thrashed against the barrier ferociously.

The core of the barrier cracked, and Pegasus delivered a down-cutter wing attack.

The wings blasted the barrier to pieces.

Damian furiously roared.

“Finish it now, Pegasus! Another Starcrusher”, said GIngka, his blader spirit boiling.

His aura was threaded to Pegasus, a connection that was beyond comprehension.

“You…”, Damian shook his head with anger. “Go, Asmodeus, Go light the Lights of Hell!”

Asmodeus switched modes, it’s track’s frames switching.

Asmodeus’ avatar appeared, bows ready to serve Hell and disgrace Heaven.

Asmodeus released the bows’ strings, and arrows flew toward Pegasus.
“Pegasus…”, grimaced Gingka. His voice was soaked in concern.

The arrows were like lights, orange-redish lights.

The arrows struck Pegasus, hammering it into the sky.

Pegasus shrieked.

“Haha, Haha!”, laughed Damian.

Asmodeus repeated his attack, arrows buried into Pegasus.

Gingka took back five steps; his shock was unconcealed.

“You’ll regret ever messing with me!”, said Damian.

Damian chuckled, his aura collapsing over the stadium.

“Here! This is the Ninth Prosecution of Hell!”

Gingka opened his eyes, his eyes filled with desperation.

The arrows disappeared, but the injuries remained.

“Pegasus Power Up!”, said Gingka.

Pegasus powered up, it’s energy circulating.

Asmodeus was much quicker, clashing down at Pegasus, pinning it to the very edge of the stadium.

“This is it! Abyssal Backslash!”, bellowed Damina.

Asmodeus slipped away from Pegasus, going behind it. Blades retracted from Asmodeus.

Asmodeus brutally slashed Pegasus, catapulting Pegasus into the air.

Pegasus cracked at its two sides; the sound vibrating throughout the whole stadium.

Damian cackled, the voice booming in Gingka’s ear.

Gingka stared at Pegasus falling, it felt as if a century was passing by.

“Pegasus! After all that we’ve done, DON’T LOSE...”, yelped Gingka, his aura turning black. “Open your wings! Here I go..!”

Pegasus stabilized itself in the air.

Gingka aligned his hands like a spiky hole.

“My New Special Move…”, Gingka yelled, his aura condensing into his spiky-ball that his hands formed. “UNIVERSAL PULL!”

His aura-shaped ball grew big, and an enormous transcendent hole came into being.

“A….BLACK...Hole?!”, screeched Damian.

i think i was @'d on accident
(May. 31, 2021  5:36 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Black Hole! Universal Pull!

i'm batman
Pixi
sushiroll1234


Gingka did WHAT?! This is getting pretty awesome, can't wait to see what the black hole will do to Damian's bey.
Sounds great ryuga
(May. 31, 2021  6:08 PM)i'm batman Wrote:
(May. 31, 2021  5:36 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Black Hole! Universal Pull!

i'm batman
Pixi
sushiroll1234


Gingka did WHAT?! This is getting pretty awesome, can't wait to see what the black hole will do to Damian's bey.

Yeah, took me a LONG time to actually finish this chapter.
Yo
Ryuga’s son good to see you online