This is my first fan fiction
 Tomorrow come the first chapter

It plays of in sparking

Titel chapter 1 serpent is coming

This is my first fan fiction
 Tomorrow come the first chapter

Titel chapter 1 serpent is coming

Cool, might stick around to read it I suggest reading my fanfic too please

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The One Piece is the friends we made a long the way.

Try reading other fan fic and I might stick around to read if it’s good! 👍🏾

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   "From this moment on... You shall be know as Darth Vader" - Palpatine probably

Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother:   you bey have rubber no problem  attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall  going in the air
steven:take it  serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom

Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother:   you bey have rubber no problem  attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall  going in the air
steven:take it  serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom

Just trying to help

Grammer: 2/5 there was lots of word mistakes

Punctuation: 1/5 very little use of punctuation and you forgot to capitol some words

Space: it's pushed together and and you forgot to space a world 3/5

Backstory: 0/5 we don't have any backstory just a kid who made a be

Not trying to be rude it could need a lot of world over all
6/15

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   "From this moment on... You shall be know as Darth Vader" - Palpatine probably

Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother:   you bey have rubber no problem  attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall  going in the air
steven:take it  serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom

grammar: mistakes 1/5
punctuation: none at all 0/5
life: im dropping the hammer. its sorta like spitting out words. here's some advice. do things like saying LET IT RIP!! 0/5
characters: ?! 1/5
length: not that great. could be longer. 2/5

ooh this is gonna hurt 3/20.
tips: 
use capitals. HOW DARE YOU!
more dynamics: as steven walked up to the pedestal, someone screams.
uuh i dont know what else.

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paimon says: 
EHE TE NENDAYO    
if you dont see yellow in this signature, you need primogems.

turn your face sunny side up.

Tsk, I'm tired of seeing these kinds of 'incomplete', messy fics cluttering the Your Creations forum. The first chapter doesn't even contain more than 90 words! It's so short it's barely enjoyable. We don't even learn anything about the characters, the conversations/dialogues are very bland and lifeless, and Steven's Bey parts are unclear. I'm going to give a rating anyway:

Grammar: 1/5. There are definitely a lot of mistakes here and there, though. No punctuation as well.
Battles: 0/5. Sorry amigo, but I must say that none of the battle scenes here are exciting. It feels like they are just lifelessly spitting out words. Try to emphasize excitement with adding exclamations and the like.
Characterization: 1/5. Very, very little, invisible characterization. Try to make them feel more alive by using question marks, exclamations etc.
Length: 0/5. No, just no. This might hurt, amigo, but I believe that your chapter is so short, it doesn't deserve to be considered a chapter. Try making things more dynamic and add more exciting filler scenes among characters - though not too much - to improve length.

Total: 2/15. Sorry amigo, that might hurt but I'm being entirely honest there. I don't like sugarcoating. You have a lot of room to improve so keep it up.

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hey guys, did you know that in terms of competitive battling, vaporeon is one of the most underrated? not only that it is a water type which grants it only 2 weaknesses and 3 resistances, vaporeon also has a whopping HP stat of 130 and a respectable special defense of 95, allowing it to tank attacks well. it also has the access to the ability hydration, which makes it especially a power to be beckoned in rain teams as it is immune to status moves. not only as a staller, vaporeon can also hold the role of a sweeper as it has a respectable special attack stat of 110, allowing it to fit on HO or HO Rain teams well. in addition, it is able to learn the moves toxic, scald, wish, protect and acid armor making it a very compatible staller and support, flexible to fit in various teams, tiers and so much more to come.

Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother:   you bey have rubber no problem  attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall  going in the air
steven:take it  serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom

Woah. Just woah.

Look at this:

Steven: My bey is finally finished!!
Steven's mom: I see that your done! What did you name him?
Steven: Oh.... I named him... **He looked at his bey** Dream Serpent!
Steven's mom: Cool name, let's test your strength!
Steven: Wait... you have a bey???

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Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother:   you bey have rubber no problem  attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall  going in the air
steven:take it  serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom

Woah. Just woah.

Look at this:

Steven: My bey is finally finished!!
Steven's mom: I see that your done! What did you name him?
Steven: Oh.... I named him... **He looked at his bey** Dream Serpent!
Steven's mom: Cool name, let's test your strength!
Steven: Wait... you have a bey???

I'm not going to finish that because I don't want to be rude but.. Look how much better that is. It doesnt hurt to hit the caps lock button or even an exclamation nark

Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY

Spoiler (Click to View)

Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!

Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler  
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]

This has gotten much better!

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"If you fail to prepare, your prepared to fail." - Mark Spitz

Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler  
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]

This has gotten much better!

I agree!!

---

                       
   "From this moment on... You shall be know as Darth Vader" - Palpatine probably

Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler  
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]

(my grammar is worse at the pc because of my keyboard being "different")
first. My opinion doesnt matter
2nd. your spoiler is a lil bit broken
overall it's way better than chpr.1 but it has ways to improve (it always has), the referee just popped up from nothing and that was wierd I guess. you could have gave more detail like:

Referee: Inspect each other's bey!
Steven thoughts: Guard Monkey, a circular left-spin defense bey, which means I can't spin steal. Looks steady! It has circles all around it, may help with the defense just like Curse. It also has 2B, not bad. And Shield.

I basically speedran this think, 5:23.68 minutes (jk). 

Summary: try being more descriptive with the things and you can also read others fanfics for reference (i guess).

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I'm the original creator of "Welcome to the WBO".
Rank 0 means I'm better than 1°

Info Gaurd monkey

Spoiler (Click to View)

Parts:
chip:monkey
Ring:Gaurd a ring with four half circles that can going in and let 2B free spin
Chassis:2B
Driver:shield

Spin direction: Dual spin

Type: Defense

Moves:
Gaurd launch
Monkey Gaurd
Shield counter

Info Gaurd monkey

Spoiler (Click to View)

Parts:
chip:monkey
Chassis:2B
Driver:shield

Spin direction: Dual spin

Type: Defense

Moves:
Gaurd launch
Monkey Gaurd
Shield counter

nice!

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"If you fail to prepare, your prepared to fail." - Mark Spitz

Episode 3 preview

Spoiler (Click to View)

Steven: We have a rematch versus Max and we have a new move
Next time in beyblade burst
SERPENT NEWEST MOVE SPEED COUNTER

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Episode 3 come today out

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Chapter 3 SERPENT NEWEST MOVE SPEED COUNTER

Spoiler (Click to View)

*Steven goes after schooltime to the bey club.*
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I wants a rematch against you.
Max: I accept it!!
*Max choose a referee from the public.*
Referee: Inspect each other's bey!
*Steven thinks: He is strong but this time i'm gonna win.*
*Max thinks: Im beat him last time and i do it again.*
Referee: Give the bey's back.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Steven: Serpent take the center first!!
Serpent spins clockwise and take the center
Max: whait...I thought he only spins left?!, Monkey end it with shield counter!!
*Monkey hit serpent and serpent going to the wall, When serpent hits the wall, Only the free spinning rubber plate on the counter driver hit it and serpent goes faster.*
Max: How?!
*Serpent runs out of stamina.*
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with a survivor finish, the score is 1:0 before max!!
Max, Steven and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
*Monky take the center.*
Steven: Attack Serpent!!
*Serpent hit Monkey and Serpent going then to the wall.*
Steven: Serpent do speed counter!!
*Serpent hit the wall and goes faster and going to monkey and don't hit him on his half cirles, The bey's clashed and Monkey burst.*
Referee: Serpent won with a burst finish,steven wins with a score from 2:0!!
Max: That was a good battle well played.
Steven: You too.

Im back and going to change the story because it was bad. its starting with dual layer system this time.

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Chapter 1 title.
Serpents journey starts.