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+--- Thread: Fan Fiction Beyblade burst: The epic serpent rebooted (/Thread-Fan-Fiction-Beyblade-burst-The-epic-serpent-rebooted)
Beyblade burst: The epic serpent rebooted - Newblader - Jun. 17, 2021
This is my first fan fiction
Tomorrow come the first chapter
It plays of in sparking
Titel chapter 1 serpent is coming
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - UnseenBurst - Jun. 17, 2021
(Jun. 17, 2021 6:38 PM)Newblader Wrote: This is my first fan fiction
Tomorrow come the first chapter
Titel chapter 1 serpent is coming
Cool, might stick around to read it I suggest reading my fanfic too please
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - LegendJustice - Jun. 17, 2021
Try reading other fan fic and I might stick around to read if it’s good! 👍🏾
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - Newblader - Jun. 18, 2021
Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother: you bey have rubber no problem attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall going in the air
steven:take it serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - LegendJustice - Jun. 18, 2021
(Jun. 18, 2021 12:40 PM)Newblader Wrote: Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother: you bey have rubber no problem attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall going in the air
steven:take it serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom
Just trying to help
Grammer: 2/5 there was lots of word mistakes
Punctuation: 1/5 very little use of punctuation and you forgot to capitol some words
Space: it's pushed together and and you forgot to space a world 3/5
Backstory: 0/5 we don't have any backstory just a kid who made a be
Not trying to be rude it could need a lot of world over all
6/15
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - eggblader - Jun. 18, 2021
(Jun. 18, 2021 12:40 PM)Newblader Wrote: Steven: my bey finshedgrammar: mistakes 1/5
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother: you bey have rubber no problem attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall going in the air
steven:take it serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom
punctuation: none at all 0/5
life: im dropping the hammer. its sorta like spitting out words. here's some advice. do things like saying LET IT RIP!! 0/5
characters: ?! 1/5
length: not that great. could be longer. 2/5
ooh this is gonna hurt 3/20.
tips:
use capitals. HOW DARE YOU!
more dynamics: as steven walked up to the pedestal, someone screams.
uuh i dont know what else.
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - reshiwum - Jun. 22, 2021
Tsk, I'm tired of seeing these kinds of 'incomplete', messy fics cluttering the Your Creations forum. The first chapter doesn't even contain more than 90 words! It's so short it's barely enjoyable. We don't even learn anything about the characters, the conversations/dialogues are very bland and lifeless, and Steven's Bey parts are unclear. I'm going to give a rating anyway:
Grammar: 1/5. There are definitely a lot of mistakes here and there, though. No punctuation as well.
Battles: 0/5. Sorry amigo, but I must say that none of the battle scenes here are exciting. It feels like they are just lifelessly spitting out words. Try to emphasize excitement with adding exclamations and the like.
Characterization: 1/5. Very, very little, invisible characterization. Try to make them feel more alive by using question marks, exclamations etc.
Length: 0/5. No, just no. This might hurt, amigo, but I believe that your chapter is so short, it doesn't deserve to be considered a chapter. Try making things more dynamic and add more exciting filler scenes among characters - though not too much - to improve length.
Total: 2/15. Sorry amigo, that might hurt but I'm being entirely honest there. I don't like sugarcoating. You have a lot of room to improve so keep it up.
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - ColdFlames13 - Jun. 22, 2021
(Jun. 18, 2021 12:40 PM)Newblader Wrote: Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother: you bey have rubber no problem attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall going in the air
steven:take it serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom
Woah. Just woah.
Look at this:
Steven: My bey is finally finished!!
Steven's mom: I see that your done! What did you name him?
Steven: Oh.... I named him... **He looked at his bey** Dream Serpent!
Steven's mom: Cool name, let's test your strength!
Steven: Wait... you have a bey???
(Jun. 22, 2021 1:25 PM)ColdFlames13 Wrote:(Jun. 18, 2021 12:40 PM)Newblader Wrote: Steven: my bey finshed
Steven mother: i see that you bey finshed What is his name
Steven: dream serpent
Stevens mother: want you to battle my
Steven: yes
Steven and his mother: 3 2 1 let it rip
Steven: dream spin
Serpents spin fast er
Stevens mother: you bey have rubber no problem attack
The bey from Stevens mother hit the wall going in the air
steven:take it serpent
The bey clashed in the center and The bey from stevens mother burst
Stevens mother: you are a good blader son
Steven thanks mom
Woah. Just woah.
Look at this:
Steven: My bey is finally finished!!
Steven's mom: I see that your done! What did you name him?
Steven: Oh.... I named him... **He looked at his bey** Dream Serpent!
Steven's mom: Cool name, let's test your strength!
Steven: Wait... you have a bey???
I'm not going to finish that because I don't want to be rude but.. Look how much better that is. It doesnt hurt to hit the caps lock button or even an exclamation nark
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - Newblader - Jul. 03, 2021
Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
Spoiler (Click to View)
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - GenesisBlader - Jul. 03, 2021
(Jul. 03, 2021 9:03 PM)Newblader Wrote: Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]
This has gotten much better!
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - LegendJustice - Jul. 03, 2021
(Jul. 03, 2021 9:08 PM)BladeKingX Wrote:(Jul. 03, 2021 9:03 PM)Newblader Wrote: Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]
This has gotten much better!
I agree!!
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - Hollowmind13 - Jul. 03, 2021
(Jul. 03, 2021 9:03 PM)Newblader Wrote: Episode 2 ULTIMATE DEFENSE GUARD MONKEY
[spoiler
Steven going after schooltime to the beyclub.
Max: Hello Steven.
Steven: Hello Max, I have a sparking bey and his name is Dream Serpent.
Max: This is my Gaurd Monkey!
Steven: Whait...You have a sparking bey to??
Max: Yes, Want you a battle with me?
Steven: Yes!
Referee: Inspect each other's beys!
Max thinks: His bey have 1S chassis, 2 disc, Switch frame
and counter driver.
Steven thinks: His bey have 2B chassis and shield driver, I cant drain spin.
Steven, Max and public:3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Max: Gaurd launch!!
Monkey take the center.
Steven: Serpent rush!!
Serpent going upwards and down in the stadium.
Max: Monkey Gaurd!!
Serpent hits monkey on his circle contact points that going in.
Steven: Wait...Why didn't he get damage??
Max: Monkey block every attack!
Serpent runs out from spin
Referee: Gaurd Monkey won with survivor finish,
The score is 1:0 before Max.
Max: I end it now!!
Steven thinks: How do i beat him??
Steven, Max and public: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!
Steven: Attack!!
Serpent hit monkey.
Max: Shield counter!!
Monkey going out the the center back to serpent and hit Serpent, Serpent burst.
Steven: How?!
Referee: Gaurd Monkey win with a burst finish, Max wins with a score from 3:0!!
\spoiler]
(my grammar is worse at the pc because of my keyboard being "different")
first. My opinion doesnt matter
2nd. your spoiler is a lil bit broken
overall it's way better than chpr.1 but it has ways to improve (it always has), the referee just popped up from nothing and that was wierd I guess. you could have gave more detail like:
Referee: Inspect each other's bey!
Steven thoughts: Guard Monkey, a circular left-spin defense bey, which means I can't spin steal. Looks steady! It has circles all around it, may help with the defense just like Curse. It also has 2B, not bad. And Shield.
I basically speedran this think, 5:23.68 minutes (jk).
Summary: try being more descriptive with the things and you can also read others fanfics for reference (i guess).
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - Newblader - Jul. 04, 2021
Info Gaurd monkey
Spoiler (Click to View)
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - GenesisBlader - Jul. 04, 2021
(Jul. 04, 2021 11:50 AM)Newblader Wrote: Info Gaurd monkey
Spoiler (Click to View)
nice!
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent - Newblader - Jul. 05, 2021
Episode 3 preview
Spoiler (Click to View)
Episode 3 come today out
Chapter 3 SERPENT NEWEST MOVE SPEED COUNTER
Spoiler (Click to View)
RE: Beyblade burst: The epic serpent rebooted - Newblader - Apr. 18, 2024
Im back and going to change the story because it was bad. its starting with dual layer system this time.
Chapter 1 title.
Serpents journey starts.