[Fan Fiction]  Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people)

(May. 05, 2021  2:04 AM)SSJBDoku Wrote: DragonBladerZ, mate you have the same problem i used to have.
When your writing you get excited and you want to get to certain points quick but you need to slow down take your time what i mean is your story has potential but you need to slow down the plot Danny went from having a new bey to going to the Raging Bulls and WBO and we got little to no information on who Danny is that's all i have to say for now

Soon In my chapter I’ll be about Danny

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 4

Us VS BC Sol

Danny and Paul: We won!!!

Hyuga: Awww man

Hikaru: How though!!!

Danny: You two have to get along and use a strategy

Hyuga and Hikaru: Ok

(Danny’s sister somehow comes to Danny and Paul)

Danny’s sister: Danny and your friend you’re going to BC Sol

Danny: First we went to the Raging Bulls, and now BC Sol

Paul: Amazing!!!

(Danny and Paul get on the plane and they get to Spain)

Danny: Wow this is Spain where BC Sol is

Paul: So cool!!!

Valt: Come with me to BC Sol

Danny and Paul: That’s Valt Aoi!!!

Valt: Yep

(Danny and Paul follow Valt to BC Sol)

Valt: You’re going to battle Rantaro, Sisco, and our new member Lialus

Paul: I’ll watch the battles

Danny: Ok

Rantaro: Battle me first

Danny: Ok

Danny and Rantaro: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Rantaro: Ragnaruk!!! Typhoon Tornado

Danny: Kitsune!!! Flame Tail

(After those attacks they get thrown into the air)

Danny and Rantaro: Survive!!!

(Both beys have survived)

Danny: Flame Launch

Rantaro: Free Typhoon Spin

(Ragnaruk gets ringed out)

Valt: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins

Danny: Wow

Sisco: Now you’re up against me pipsqueak

Danny: Don’t call me pipsqueak!!!

Kitsune: Danny focus on the battle don’t focus on Sisco

Danny: Ok I’ll focus on the battle

(Talk ended)

Danny and Sisco: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Sisco: Satan use Triple Twister

Danny: Flame Launch

(Kitsune is attacking Satan, but Satan is repelling the attacks)

Sisco: Ha you don’t know how to blade don’t you

Danny: Kitsune!!!

(Kitsune’s avatar happens)

(Kitsune is glowing gold and red. Kitsune activated Ultra Fire-Flux)

Danny: Flame Sword

Sisco: Roller Defense

(Satan bursts)

Valt: Flame Kitsune with a burst finish Danny wins

Danny: I won again!!!

Kitsune: Don’t get yourself carried away

Danny: Ok Kitsune

Valt: Now you’re going to battle our other member

Danny: Ok

Lialus: I’m a member here, and I want to battle you!!!

Lialus: Meet my bey Flip Larry

Danny’s thoughts: Flip Larry is a dual spinning balance type that has one blade and if you flip the layer it goes left so I gotta take the center

Valt: Ready, and set

Danny and Lialus: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Lialus: Take the center

Danny: Not on my watch

(Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)

Lialus: Larry use Flip One Blade Attack

Danny: Now Flame Defense

(Kitsune did not get attacked)

Lialus: That attack would normally make me win

Danny: This time not

(Kitsune hits the wall and goes up in the air)

Danny: Flame Dive!!!

Lialus: Flip Dive Defense

(Both beys burst)

Valt: Simultaneious Burst Finish Draw

Danny and Lialus: WHAT!!!

(The End)

Preview:

Danny: We’re going up against Free and Valt

Danny: And I’m teamed up with Lialus

Lialus: Hope we win

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 5

The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus

So USN what do think of chapter 4 with your character in it
dragon Blader Z
I will always remember this sentence: (Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
It is butiful.
(May. 05, 2021  2:20 PM)USN Wrote: dragon Blader Z
I will always remember this sentence: (Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
It is butiful.

Thanks!!!

If you don’t know about my DynaSpark system this is how it is:

-Armor

-DynaSpark Blade

-DynaSpark Core

-Chassis or Disc

-Driver

Also it can be like this:

-DynaSpark Core

-DynaSpark Blade

-Armor

-Chassis or Disc

-Driver

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 5

The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus


(Free comes to BC Sol)

Danny: Is that The High School Prodigy Free De La Hoya?

Lialus: Yep that’s Free

Free: Valt

Valt: Yes Free

Free: I want to do a tag team battle with you

Valt: Ok

Valt: It’s me and Free VS you and Lialus

Danny: Ok

Paul: I’ll be ref for this one

Paul: Ready, and set

Free, Valt, Lialus, and Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Lialus: Larry hit Fafnir!!!

Free: Absorb Spin

(Fafnir takes Larry’s spin)

Lialus: WHAT!!!

Free: My Fafnir took your spin

Valt: Valkyrie use Conqueror Launch

Danny: Flame Defense

(Kitsune did not get attacked)

Valt: That’s impressive but you can’t get away from me

Valt: Conqueror Sword

Danny: Flame Sword

(Kitsune and Valkyrie attack each other and they both get ringed out)

Lialus: Now it’s me and you Free

Lialus: Flip Break

Free: Absorb Break

(Larry got speed after Free’s attack)

Lialus: Now Flip One Blade Attack

Free: Burst Larry Fafnir

(Larry gets bursted by Fafnir)

Paul: It’s Absorb Fafnir and Conqueror Valkyrie with a burst finish. Free and Valt wins

Lialus: What was that?

Danny: A slo-mo burst is when a fast clockwise spinning bey hits a slow counterclockwise spinning bey and the clockwise bey bursts

Valt: Nice Job Danny!!!

Danny: Thanks

Lialus: I’m going to train to get even better

Lialus: So I’m going with Danny

Valt: Are you sure Lialus?

Lialus: I’m sure

Valt: Ok suit yourself

Danny: We’re leaving

Valt: Bye Lialus!!!

Lialus: Bye Valt and Free

(Lialus, Danny, and Paul get on the plane and leave Spain)

(The End)

Preview:

Danny: Wait the WBO made a tournament

Paul: We’re going to join it right guys?

Lialus and Danny: Yep Right

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 6

The Tournament Of Legends

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 6

The Tournament of Legends

(Danny, Lialus, and Paul get to the Rainbow Tree Arena)

Danny: We’re here

Paul: It’s my first time being here

Lialus: Me too!!!

Danny: Wait the announcements is going to start

Hanami: Welcome to the Rainbow Tree Arena and here were going to have a tournament with a total of 14 bladers

Danny, Paul, and Lialus: Wait a Tournament!!!

Hanami: And were having 2 groups, Group A will consist of Lain Valhalla, Shu Kurenai, Danny Flame, Aiger Akabane, Valt Aoi, Free De La Hoya, and Paul Aoki

Hanami: And Group B will consist of Rantaro Kiyama, Sisco Karlisle, Xander Shakadera, Dante Koryu, Lui Shirosagi, Hikaru Hizashi, and Lialus Frunk

Danny, Paul, and Lialus: Wow!!!

Hanami: Today we’re having two battles and they are Danny Flame, and Aiger Akabane VS Paul Aoki and Lain Valhalla

Paul: Wait I’m teaming up with Lain oh that’ll not be good

Hanami: And our second battle will be Lialus Frunk, and Valt Aoi VS Free De La Hoya, and Rantaro Kiyama

Lialus: I’m teamed up with Valt good

Match Caller: Danny Flame and Aiger Akabane come up

Danny: Oh I gotta go bye

Paul and Lialus: Bye Danny!!!

Aiger’s thoughts: It’s Lain so I’m going to go in bound mode with the Limitless Sword mode

Ref: Ready, and set

Danny, Aiger, Paul, Lain: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Lain: Lucifer use Immortality Whip

Danny: Flame Whip

(Kitsune and Lucifer hit each other with hard hits)

Paul: Use Hydro Launch on Achilles!!!

Aiger: Limitless Attack!!!

(Achilles hit Posiden, but they both hit the wall and power up)

Aiger: ACHILLES!!!

Paul: POSIDEN!!!

(Both avatar’s appear)

(Posiden starts entering hyper resonance. Posiden activates Hyper Water-Resonance)

Paul: Hydro Whip

Aiger: Attack Achilles!!!

(Posiden gets ringed out)

Hanami: Posiden gets ringed out

Lain: LUCIFER!!!

(Lucifer’s avatar happens)

(Lucifer starts glowing purple and black. Lucifer activates Dark-Resonance)

Lain: Immortality Dive Crusher!!!

Danny: Flame Sword

Aiger: Limitless Breaker!!!

(All beys clash)

(All beys got ringed out, but they are still spinning and two of them still stopped, and Achilles kept spinning)

Ref: Limitless Achilles with a ring out finish Aiger and Danny wins

(The End)

Preview:

Lialus: I’m going to win with Valt

Lialus: But Free has a new move

Lialus Hope I can survive that attack

Danny: You will Lialus I’ll root fo you!!!

Lialus: Thanks

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 7

Free’s New Attack

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!


What do people think about this tournament?
I'll post more chapters soon when i have time
I really need to say something about this fic.

First of all, its's still in such an uncomfortable-to-read format and some (a lot, actually) stuffs are still off and confusing, like how all of a sudden Danny's sister appears, and how Danny and Ben got invited by the BC Sol despite they are already a part of the Raging Bulls (they are on Raging Bulls for such a really short time only. What?!). Some characters are also OOC (Out of character), like Free. I'm very sure Free isn't someone who'd go "ayo I would like to do tag battle with you", yes? Some also still seems lifeless; When you made a dialog with Hanami like you did in 3rd Chapter, it doesn't feel like he's doing the happy cheer he'd always do every time and the Hizashi twins aka Hikaru n Hyuga also felt emotionless.

Also, Danny wins everytime? NANI?! An OP Protag doesn't make a story good :/
Ok don't judge me cause I'm trying my best on this

Also I can't make anymore chapters on this so can anyone else do it unless it is apart of the rules on here.
(May. 05, 2021  11:31 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  2:04 AM)SSJBDoku Wrote: DragonBladerZ, mate you have the same problem i used to have.
When your writing you get excited and you want to get to certain points quick but you need to slow down take your time what i mean is your story has potential but you need to slow down the plot Danny went from having a new bey to going to the Raging Bulls and WBO and we got little to no information on who Danny is that's all i have to say for now

Soon In my chapter I’ll be about Danny

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 4

Us VS BC Sol

Danny and Paul: We won!!!

Hyuga: Awww man

Hikaru: How though!!!

Danny: You two have to get along and use a strategy

Hyuga and Hikaru: Ok

(Danny’s sister somehow comes to Danny and Paul)

Danny’s sister: Danny and your friend you’re going to BC Sol

Danny: First we went to the Raging Bulls, and now BC Sol

Paul: Amazing!!!

(Danny and Paul get on the plane and they get to Spain)

Danny: Wow this is Spain where BC Sol is

Paul: So cool!!!

Valt: Come with me to BC Sol

Danny and Paul: That’s Valt Aoi!!!

Valt: Yep

(Danny and Paul follow Valt to BC Sol)

Valt: You’re going to battle Rantaro, Sisco, and our new member Lialus

Paul: I’ll watch the battles

Danny: Ok

Rantaro: Battle me first

Danny: Ok

Danny and Rantaro: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Rantaro: Ragnaruk!!! Typhoon Tornado

Danny: Kitsune!!! Flame Tail

(After those attacks they get thrown into the air)

Danny and Rantaro: Survive!!!

(Both beys have survived)

Danny: Flame Launch

Rantaro: Free Typhoon Spin

(Ragnaruk gets ringed out)

Valt: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins

Danny: Wow

Sisco: Now you’re up against me pipsqueak

Danny: Don’t call me pipsqueak!!!

Kitsune: Danny focus on the battle don’t focus on Sisco

Danny: Ok I’ll focus on the battle

(Talk ended)

Danny and Sisco: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Sisco: Satan use Triple Twister

Danny: Flame Launch

(Kitsune is attacking Satan, but Satan is repelling the attacks)

Sisco: Ha you don’t know how to blade don’t you

Danny: Kitsune!!!

(Kitsune’s avatar happens)

(Kitsune is glowing gold and red. Kitsune activated Ultra Fire-Flux)

Danny: Flame Sword

Sisco: Roller Defense

(Satan bursts)

Valt: Flame Kitsune with a burst finish Danny wins

Danny: I won again!!!

Kitsune: Don’t get yourself carried away

Danny: Ok Kitsune

Valt: Now you’re going to battle our other member

Danny: Ok

Lialus: I’m a member here, and I want to battle you!!!

Lialus: Meet my bey Flip Larry

Danny’s thoughts: Flip Larry is a dual spinning balance type that has one blade and if you flip the layer it goes left so I gotta take the center

Valt: Ready, and set

Danny and Lialus: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Lialus: Take the center

Danny: Not on my watch

(Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)

Lialus: Larry use Flip One Blade Attack

Danny: Now Flame Defense

(Kitsune did not get attacked)

Lialus: That attack would normally make me win

Danny: This time not

(Kitsune hits the wall and goes up in the air)

Danny: Flame Dive!!!

Lialus: Flip Dive Defense

(Both beys burst)

Valt: Simultaneious Burst Finish Draw

Danny and Lialus: WHAT!!!

(The End)

Preview:

Danny: We’re going up against Free and Valt

Danny: And I’m teamed up with Lialus

Lialus: Hope we win

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 5

The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus

So USN what do think of chapter 4 with your character in it
I’m sorry but I have to be blunt with this. You need more detail added into it. The episodes are incredibly short and there isn’t really enough detail to carry it imo. Try adding on some more details, such as emotions, how the beys attack each other, etc. Also there is little characterization in the story from what I can tell. Here’s what I have to say overall with a review:

Characterization: 1/5. Little to no characterization at all. This reminds me of a beyblade rp in which the two people constantly one line, leading to fail rp. You definitely should add in some more detail to the story in order to express the characters a bit more. 

Grammar: 2.5/5. There are problems, but the spelling of words is fine. The lack of periods and commas really drags this category down, though.

Story: 0/5. Sorry, but I gotta tear into this one. Even if it is Rantaro, beating a Legendary blader in episode four without immense help or an excellent strategy isn’t a good idea imo. It’s especially troubling they beat Hyuga and Hikaru in episode 3. Unless they are established bladers such as Bell who use strategy to win, I believe that it would have definitively been better overall to have made them get oneshotted. Hikaru and Hyuga aren’t slouches, and even as the weakest Legendary Blader, Rantaro is still incredibly strong. There’s also a lack of overall cohesion in the story. It’s definitely the lack of detail that harms it the most tho.

Dialogue: 0.5/5: This is a category that really gets harmed by the little detail added into the story. The dialogue is basically “Character: (Random 1-5 words)”, and definitely needs to be improved in the future. 

Beybattles: 0/5. Definitely the story’s biggest problem that stems from the lack of detail. Going forwards, definitely try adding in some more detail overall for future chapters.

Overall: 4/25. The main problems definitely stem from the lack of detail, so for the future, definitely go for more detail. Quality over quantity. It may take longer(Trust me, I have experience with that), but its worth it in the end. I’ll look forward to seeing how it improves overtime.
ok thanks for the advice i'll make it better when I have time to post a chapter
im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one

Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people

Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him

Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm

Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm
(Jul. 09, 2021  7:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one

Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people

Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him

Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm

Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm

Isn't there already a Beyblade burst Realm?
(Jul. 09, 2021  7:20 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote:
(Jul. 09, 2021  7:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one

Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people

Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him

Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm

Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm

Isn't there already a Beyblade burst Realm?

1. idk

2. I made a thread of it