Hello people hope you’ll like this fanfic and soon there’s going to be a character contest!!! Hope you’re excited for that
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (accepting people)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Chapter: 1[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]King of Flame!!! Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Rey de fuego!!! Fuego Kitsune)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Hi Ben[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Hi Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: You know what it is today right?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: No?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: It’s the day that I make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Awesome!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny goes to his house cause school ended)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Dad!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: What son[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Can I go to your bey room[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Sure, but for what[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: To make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Okay fine[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Thank you dad[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny finishes his DynaSpark bey)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m calling you Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny talking to Kitsune: Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: What Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m going to battle Ben with you[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: Okay[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](The talk is over)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Ben comes over to Danny’s house)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Let’s battle!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Yeah[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Meet my bey Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben’s thoughts: Flame Kitsune is a dual spinning balance type that’ll do good impact attacks[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny and Ben: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Go Kitsune!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Go Genesis[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Royal Scream[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Flame Tail!!![/font]
Danny and Ben: SHOW WHO’S THE BEST BETWEEN US!!!
Danny’s sister: What is this brother?
Danny: Beyblade
Danny’s sister: Oh I remember now!!!
Danny’s sister: I’ll be ref
(Both beys ring out)
Danny’s sister: What is your bey’s name
Danny: Flame Kitsune
Danny’s sister: Simultaneous Ring out finish draw
Danny: Wow
Ben: Woah
Danny: Next time I’m going to win!!!
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: Wait I’m going to the Raging Bulls awesome!!!
???: Battle me
Danny: Ok
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 2
The Mysterious blader VS Danny
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Also the system is the DynaSpark system
Here’s an example:
Flame Kitsune. 2A. Dm-6
For the system they have high and low mode and also you can use chassis
Ok I will give you some advice. Overall you have structure, I can see it going somewhere, but there is very little characterization. Also, he won his first battle. You need to power scale or this will be a very short fan-fic. It also lacks detail. We no virtualy nothing except that danny and ben are friends, they both have beys, danny can beat ben, there is a new obscure system we know nothing about, and danny has a sister.
not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
(May. 04, 2021 11:24 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 04, 2021 11:22 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ]Ok I will give you some advice. Overall you have structure, I can see it going somewhere, but there is very little characterization. Also, he won his first battle. You need to power scale or this will be a very short fan-fic. It also lacks detail. We no virtualy nothing except that danny and ben are friends, they both have beys, danny can beat ben, there is a new obscure system we know nothing about, and danny has a sister.
Ok I’ll update my post
Also, you made this thread like 10 times.
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
do a reply to it. It will fix the error. (You dont actually have to post it)
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
Sorry, but can you get a staff to close the other ones and keep this one open?
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
How do I delete the font error?
(May. 04, 2021 11:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Hello people hope you’ll like this fanfic and soon there’s going to be a character contest!!! Hope you’re excited for that
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (accepting people)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Chapter: 1[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]King of Flame!!! Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Hi Ben[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Hi Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: You know what it is today right?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: No?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: It’s the day that I make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Awesome!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny goes to his house cause school ended)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Dad!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: What son[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Can I go to your bey room[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Sure, but for what[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: To make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Okay fine[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Thank you dad[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny finishes his DynaSpark bey)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m calling you Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny talking to Kitsune: Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: What Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m going to battle Ben with you[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: Okay[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](The talk is over)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Ben comes over to Danny’s house)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Let’s battle!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Yeah[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Meet my bey Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben’s thoughts: Flame Kitsune is a dual spinning balance type that’ll do good impact attacks[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny and Ben: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Go Kitsune!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Go Genesis[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Royal Scream[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Flame Tail!!![/font]
Danny and Ben: SHOW WHO’S THE BEST BETWEEN US!!!
Danny’s sister: What is this brother?
Danny: Beyblade
Danny’s sister: Oh I remember now!!!
Danny’s sister: I’ll be ref
(Kitsune wins)
Danny’s sister: What is your bey’s name
Danny: Flame Kitsune
Danny’s sister: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins
Danny: Awesome
Ben: No I lost
Danny: Next time you’re going to win!!!
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: Wait I’m going to the Raging Bulls awesome!!!
???: Battle me
Danny: Ok
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 2
The Mysterious blader VS Danny
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Does anyone want to be in this fanfic?
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 04, 2021 11:24 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Ok I’ll update my post
Also, you made this thread like 10 times.
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
do a reply to it. It will fix the error. (You dont actually have to post it)
What error?
(May. 04, 2021 11:28 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
Sorry, but can you get a staff to close the other ones and keep this one open?
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.
also you made like 6-7 threads of this.
How do I delete the font error?
(May. 04, 2021 11:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Hello people hope you’ll like this fanfic and soon there’s going to be a character contest!!! Hope you’re excited for that
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (accepting people)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Chapter: 1[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]King of Flame!!! Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Hi Ben[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Hi Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: You know what it is today right?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: No?[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: It’s the day that I make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Awesome!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny goes to his house cause school ended)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Dad!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: What son[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Can I go to your bey room[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Sure, but for what[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: To make my DynaSpark bey[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Okay fine[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Thank you dad[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny finishes his DynaSpark bey)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m calling you Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny talking to Kitsune: Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: What Danny[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m going to battle Ben with you[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: Okay[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](The talk is over)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Ben comes over to Danny’s house)[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Let’s battle!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Yeah[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Meet my bey Flame Kitsune[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben’s thoughts: Flame Kitsune is a dual spinning balance type that’ll do good impact attacks[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny and Ben: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Go Kitsune!!![/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Go Genesis[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Royal Scream[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Flame Tail!!![/font]
Danny and Ben: SHOW WHO’S THE BEST BETWEEN US!!!
Danny’s sister: What is this brother?
Danny: Beyblade
Danny’s sister: Oh I remember now!!!
Danny’s sister: I’ll be ref
(Kitsune wins)
Danny’s sister: What is your bey’s name
Danny: Flame Kitsune
Danny’s sister: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins
Danny: Awesome
Ben: No I lost
Danny: Next time you’re going to win!!!
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: Wait I’m going to the Raging Bulls awesome!!!
???: Battle me
Danny: Ok
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 2
The Mysterious blader VS Danny
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Does anyone want to be in this fanfic?
(May. 04, 2021 11:25 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ]Also, you made this thread like 10 times.
do a reply to it. It will fix the error. (You dont actually have to post it)
What error?
Hey Dragon can I be in your book please
(May. 04, 2021 11:34 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 04, 2021 11:28 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry, but can you get a staff to close the other ones and keep this one open?
How do I delete the font error?
Does anyone want to be in this fanfic?
What error?
Hey Dragon can I be in your book please
Ok what is your character’s name and bey?
Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.
(May. 04, 2021 11:44 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ]Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.
how the heck can a bey have one attack point-
I’ll post chapter 2 right now
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 2
The Mysterious Blader VS Danny
(El Misterioso Blader VS Danny)
Ben: That was a nice battle right?
Danny: Right
(Danny’s Dad comes in)
Dad: Son you’re going to the raging bulls
Danny: Awesome!!!
Danny: Will Ben come too?
Dad: Yes
Ben: Yay Danny I get to come with you
(They get to the Raging Bulls)
Danny: Were here!!!
Ben: Yay
Shu: Welcome
Danny: Is that Shu Kurenai?
Shu: Yep that’s me
Ben and Danny: Awesome!!!
Shu: Battle my student
Danny: Okay nice
(They get inside)
Shu: Here’s my student Paul Aoki cousin of the good Justin Aoki
Danny: Okay
Paul: Meet my Hydro Posiden
Danny and Paul: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Paul: Posiden now Hydro Launch
Danny: Flame Launch
(Posiden and Kitsune are clashing in flurry of attacks)
Danny: Kitsune!!!
Paul: Posiden!!!
(Both avatars appear)
(Kitsune starts glowing gold. Kitsune activates Fire-Flux)
(Posiden starts glowing blue. Posiden activates Water-Flux)
Paul: Hydro Blast
Danny: Flame Upper
(Both beys ring out but Posiden lands on the ground first)
Shu: Flame Kitsune wins with a ring out finish
Danny: Nice
Paul: Ready for the second battle
Danny: Yep
Shu: Second battle, ready and set
Danny and Paul: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Paul: Take the center
(Posiden takes the center quick)
Danny: Flame Launch
Paul: I’ve been waiting for this Hydro Defense
(Kitsune had been hit to the wall)
Danny: Survive, Kitsune
(Kitsune’s avatar happens)
Danny: Use Flame Launch again!!!
Paul: Hydro Launch
(Kitsune wins)
Shu: Flame Kitsune with a Burst Finish. With a score of 3-0 Danny wins
Danny: Yes!!!
Paul: You’re just lucky
Danny: Ok then we’ll battle again soon
(The End)
Preview:
Paul and Danny: Wait the WBO made a invitation for us
Danny and Paul: We’re going to battle a blader
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 3
The Invitation
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
(May. 04, 2021 11:44 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ]Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.
The parts for it are:
Disc: Nexus
Driver: Xtend+
I’ll have the character contest start in 2 weeks
I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.
The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!
I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.
(May. 05, 2021 1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: [ -> ]I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.
The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!
I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.
I updated my first chapter
(May. 05, 2021 1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: [ -> ]I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.
The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!
I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.
I’ll make it better
(May. 05, 2021 1:09 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 05, 2021 1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: [ -> ]I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.
The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!
I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.
I updated my first chapter
I guess it's just me, but I still can clearly see those font errors.
Also, updating the first chapter won't help. You'll need to improve your characterization and dialogue, maybe add some description in your fic then make the DynaSpark system clear on the next chapters. Leave the first chapter be - All you need to do is to fix the font errors and nothing else.
(May. 05, 2021 1:15 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 05, 2021 1:13 AM)tenma Wrote: [ -> ]I guess it's just me, but I still can clearly see those font errors.
Also, updating the first chapter won't help. You'll need to improve your characterization and dialogue, maybe add some description in your fic then make the DynaSpark system clear on the next chapters. Leave the first chapter be - All you need to do is to fix the font errors and nothing else.
Ok thanks for the advice
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 3
The Invitation
Shu: The WBO gave these invitations to you two cause you two are strong
Danny and Paul: Wait what
Danny: Really
Paul: So Cool!!!
(Paul and Danny get on a plane and they finally get there)
Danny and Paul: Finally!!!
Hyuga and Hikaru: Battle now
Danny and Paul: Ok
Hanami: Welcome bey fans it’s a tag team battle of Hyuga and Hikaru Hizashi VS Danny Flame and Paul Aoki!!!
Danny, Paul, Hyuga, and Hikaru: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Hyuga: Sun Launch
Hikaru: Blaze Launch
Danny: Flame Launch
Paul: Hydro Launch
(All of the beys are in a clash)
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Hyuga: Hyperion!!!
Hikaru: Helios!!!
Danny: Kitsune!!!
Paul: Posiden!!!
(All avatar’s appear)
Hyuga: Sun Sword
Hikaru: Blaze Sword
Danny: Flame Sword
Paul: Hydro Sword
(The beys release powerful attacks)
(All beys drop from the stadium)
Hanami: Let’s see the replay
(They see the replay)
Ref: It’s Flame Kitsune and Hydro Posiden with a Burst Finish
(The End)
Preview:
Danny and Paul with Ben: We are going to BC Sol where Valt is!!!
Danny: Now I’m wondering if he’s going to battle all of us?
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 4
Us VS BC Sol
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Also the one who inspired me to make this fanfic was
I’ll post more chapters tomorrow
This is a really good start but try slowing down don't try squishing everything into a box expand the box
I loved how my charecter was and I loved how you added a refrence to my book lol I love it a lot of potential keep it up
(May. 05, 2021 1:51 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 05, 2021 1:15 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Ok thanks for the advice
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 3
The Invitation
Shu: The WBO gave these invitations to you two cause you two are strong
Danny and Paul: Wait what
Danny: Really
Paul: So Cool!!!
(Paul and Danny get on a plane and they finally get there)
Danny and Paul: Finally!!!
Hyuga and Hikaru: Battle now
Danny and Paul: Ok
Hanami: Welcome bey fans it’s a tag team battle of Hyuga and Hikaru Hizashi VS Danny Flame and Paul Aoki!!!
Danny, Paul, Hyuga, and Hikaru: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Hyuga: Sun Launch
Hikaru: Blaze Launch
Danny: Flame Launch
Paul: Hydro Launch
(All of the beys are in a clash)
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Hyuga: Hyperion!!!
Hikaru: Helios!!!
Danny: Kitsune!!!
Paul: Posiden!!!
(All avatar’s appear)
Hyuga: Sun Sword
Hikaru: Blaze Sword
Danny: Flame Sword
Paul: Hydro Sword
(The beys release powerful attacks)
(All beys drop from the stadium)
Hanami: Let’s see the replay
(They see the replay)
Ref: It’s Flame Kitsune and Hydro Posiden with a Burst Finish
(The End)
Preview:
Danny and Paul with Ben: We are going to BC Sol where Valt is!!!
Danny: Now I’m wondering if he’s going to battle all of us?
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 4
Us VS BC Sol
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Also the one who inspired me to make this fanfic was
I’ll post more chapters tomorrow
This is a really good start but try slowing down don't try squishing everything into a box expand the box I loved how my charecter was and I loved how you added a refrence to my book lol I love it a lot of potential keep it up
Ok I won’t try squishing everything into a box (I can’t believe that I just said that) and I’ll keep it up
(May. 05, 2021 1:54 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 05, 2021 1:54 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ]Your going to do awesome
Thanks aka the one who inspired me to make this fanfic
Just don't forget about my fanfic lol
(May. 05, 2021 1:55 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 05, 2021 1:54 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks aka the one who inspired me to make this fanfic
Just don't forget about my fanfic lol
Yeah I’ll still read it!!!
DragonBladerZ, mate you have the same problem i used to have.
When your writing you get excited and you want to get to certain points quick but you need to slow down take your time what i mean is your story has potential but you need to slow down the plot Danny went from having a new bey to going to the Raging Bulls and WBO and we got little to no information on who Danny is that's all i have to say for now