(May. 04, 2021  11:22 PM)USN Wrote: Ok I will give you some advice. Overall you have structure, I can see it going somewhere, but there is very little characterization.  Also, he won his first battle. You need to power scale or this will be a very short fan-fic. It also lacks detail. We no virtualy nothing except that danny and ben are friends, they both have beys, danny can beat ben, there is a new obscure system we know nothing about, and danny has a sister.

(May. 04, 2021  11:24 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 04, 2021  11:22 PM)USN Wrote: Ok I will give you some advice. Overall you have structure, I can see it going somewhere, but there is very little characterization.  Also, he won his first battle. You need to power scale or this will be a very short fan-fic. It also lacks detail. We no virtualy nothing except that danny and ben are friends, they both have beys, danny can beat ben, there is a new obscure system we know nothing about, and danny has a sister.

Ok I’ll update my post

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

(May. 04, 2021  11:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Hello people hope you’ll like this fanfic and soon there’s going to be a character contest!!! Hope you’re excited for that





[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (accepting people)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Chapter: 1[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]King of Flame!!! Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Hi Ben[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Hi Danny[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: You know what it is today right?[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: No?[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: It’s the day that I make my DynaSpark bey[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Awesome!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny goes to his house cause school ended)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Dad!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: What son[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Can I go to your bey room[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Sure, but for what[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: To make my DynaSpark bey[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Okay fine[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Thank you dad[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny finishes his DynaSpark bey)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m calling you Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny talking to Kitsune: Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: What Danny[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m going to battle Ben with you[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: Okay[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](The talk is over)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Ben comes over to Danny’s house)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Let’s battle!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Yeah[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Meet my bey Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben’s thoughts: Flame Kitsune is a dual spinning balance type that’ll do good impact attacks[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny and Ben: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Go Kitsune!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Go Genesis[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Royal Scream[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Flame Tail!!![/font]

Danny and Ben: SHOW WHO’S THE BEST BETWEEN US!!!

Danny’s sister: What is this brother?

Danny: Beyblade

Danny’s sister: Oh I remember now!!!

Danny’s sister: I’ll be ref

(Kitsune wins)

Danny’s sister: What is your bey’s name

Danny: Flame Kitsune

Danny’s sister: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins

Danny: Awesome

Ben: No I lost

Danny: Next time you’re going to win!!!

(The End)

Preview:

Danny: Wait I’m going to the Raging Bulls awesome!!!

???: Battle me

Danny: Ok

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 2

The Mysterious blader VS Danny

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)USN Wrote:

(May. 04, 2021  11:24 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Ok I’ll update my post

Also, you made this thread like 10 times.

---

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

do a reply to it. It will fix the error. (You dont actually have to post it)

(May. 04, 2021  11:28 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

Sorry, but can you get a staff to close the other ones and keep this one open?

---

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: not bad so far, tho the font error literally makes it a pain in the {REDACTED} to read.

also you made like 6-7 threads of this.

How do I delete the font error?

---

(May. 04, 2021  11:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Hello people hope you’ll like this fanfic and soon there’s going to be a character contest!!! Hope you’re excited for that





[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (accepting people)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Chapter: 1[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]King of Flame!!! Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Hi Ben[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Hi Danny[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: You know what it is today right?[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: No?[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: It’s the day that I make my DynaSpark bey[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Awesome!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny goes to his house cause school ended)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Dad!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: What son[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Can I go to your bey room[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Sure, but for what[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: To make my DynaSpark bey[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dad: Okay fine[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Thank you dad[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Danny finishes his DynaSpark bey)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m calling you Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny talking to Kitsune: Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: What Danny[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: I’m going to battle Ben with you[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Kitsune: Okay[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](The talk is over)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif](Ben comes over to Danny’s house)[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Let’s battle!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Yeah[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Meet my bey Flame Kitsune[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben’s thoughts: Flame Kitsune is a dual spinning balance type that’ll do good impact attacks[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny and Ben: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Go Kitsune!!![/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Go Genesis[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ben: Royal Scream[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Danny: Flame Tail!!![/font]

Danny and Ben: SHOW WHO’S THE BEST BETWEEN US!!!

Danny’s sister: What is this brother?

Danny: Beyblade

Danny’s sister: Oh I remember now!!!

Danny’s sister: I’ll be ref

(Kitsune wins)

Danny’s sister: What is your bey’s name

Danny: Flame Kitsune

Danny’s sister: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins

Danny: Awesome

Ben: No I lost

Danny: Next time you’re going to win!!!

(The End)

Preview:

Danny: Wait I’m going to the Raging Bulls awesome!!!

???: Battle me

Danny: Ok

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 2

The Mysterious blader VS Danny

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Does anyone want to be in this fanfic?

---

(May. 04, 2021  11:25 PM)USN Wrote: Also, you made this thread like 10 times.

---

do a reply to it. It will fix the error. (You dont actually have to post it)

What error?

(May. 04, 2021  11:34 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:

(May. 04, 2021  11:28 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Sorry, but can you get a staff to close the other ones and keep this one open?

---

How do I delete the font error?

---

Does anyone want to be in this fanfic?

---

What error?

Hey Dragon can I be in your book please

(May. 04, 2021  11:44 PM)USN Wrote: Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is  Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.

(May. 04, 2021  11:44 PM)USN Wrote: Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is  Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.

(May. 04, 2021  11:44 PM)USN Wrote: Here's my entry for the fan-fic:
Lialus (Li-Uh-Lus) Frunk
He wears a neon yellow cape with an orange T-Shirt and Shorts. He is very self obsessed and thinks that he is the best blader in the world.
His Bey is  Flip Larry. He loves the name but others make fun of it. It is a single bladed bey with one HUGE blade. If you flip the layer, than it can spin left instead of right. You decide the parts.

(May. 05, 2021  1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.

The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!

I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.

(May. 05, 2021  1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.

The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!

I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.

(May. 05, 2021  1:09 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:07 AM)tenma Wrote: I'm genuinely uncomfortable just by looking at the format of this fic. Very VERY uncomfortable, no offense.

The font errors, the bad formatting, the lack of details and lack of characterization just make me feel really iffy. The plot is unclear and everything just tasted too bland to even read, as if I'm eating clay. So far, I suppose, we got nothing than an unclear new system and that Danny can beat Ben, Danny has a sister, and that he suddenly got invited to the Raging Bulls. I see a lack of descriptions too. Fanfics/stories in general doesn't only need dialogues you know, descriptions are just as important!

I believe you can improve your fic more. That's all to be said by me for now.

I updated my first chapter

(May. 05, 2021  1:13 AM)tenma Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:09 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: I updated my first chapter

I guess it's just me, but I still can clearly see those font errors. 


Also, updating the first chapter won't help. You'll need to improve your characterization and dialogue, maybe add some description in your fic then make the DynaSpark system clear on the next chapters. Leave the first chapter be - All you need to do is to fix the font errors and nothing else.

(May. 05, 2021  1:15 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:13 AM)tenma Wrote: I guess it's just me, but I still can clearly see those font errors. 


Also, updating the first chapter won't help. You'll need to improve your characterization and dialogue, maybe add some description in your fic then make the DynaSpark system clear on the next chapters. Leave the first chapter be - All you need to do is to fix the font errors and nothing else.

Ok thanks for the advice @tenma

---

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 3

The Invitation

Shu: The WBO gave these invitations to you two cause you two are strong

Danny and Paul: Wait what

Danny: Really

Paul: So Cool!!!

(Paul and Danny get on a plane and they finally get there)

Danny and Paul: Finally!!!

Hyuga and Hikaru: Battle now

Danny and Paul: Ok

Hanami: Welcome bey fans it’s a tag team battle of Hyuga and Hikaru Hizashi VS Danny Flame and Paul Aoki!!!

Danny, Paul, Hyuga, and Hikaru: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Hyuga: Sun Launch

Hikaru: Blaze Launch

Danny: Flame Launch

Paul: Hydro Launch

(All of the beys are in a clash)

All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hyuga: Hyperion!!!

Hikaru: Helios!!!

Danny: Kitsune!!!

Paul: Posiden!!!

(All avatar’s appear)

Hyuga: Sun Sword

Hikaru: Blaze Sword

Danny: Flame Sword

Paul: Hydro Sword

(The beys release powerful attacks)

(All beys drop from the stadium)

Hanami: Let’s see the replay

(They see the replay)

Ref: It’s Flame Kitsune and Hydro Posiden with a Burst Finish

(The End)

Preview:

Danny and Paul with Ben: We are going to BC Sol where Valt is!!!

Danny: Now I’m wondering if he’s going to battle all of us?

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 4

Us VS BC Sol

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

---

Also the one who inspired me to make this fanfic was @Strikegamerv6

---

I’ll post more chapters tomorrow

(May. 05, 2021  1:51 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:15 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Ok thanks for the advice @tenma

---

Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 3

The Invitation

Shu: The WBO gave these invitations to you two cause you two are strong

Danny and Paul: Wait what

Danny: Really

Paul: So Cool!!!

(Paul and Danny get on a plane and they finally get there)

Danny and Paul: Finally!!!

Hyuga and Hikaru: Battle now

Danny and Paul: Ok

Hanami: Welcome bey fans it’s a tag team battle of Hyuga and Hikaru Hizashi VS Danny Flame and Paul Aoki!!!

Danny, Paul, Hyuga, and Hikaru: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

Hyuga: Sun Launch

Hikaru: Blaze Launch

Danny: Flame Launch

Paul: Hydro Launch

(All of the beys are in a clash)

All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hyuga: Hyperion!!!

Hikaru: Helios!!!

Danny: Kitsune!!!

Paul: Posiden!!!

(All avatar’s appear)

Hyuga: Sun Sword

Hikaru: Blaze Sword

Danny: Flame Sword

Paul: Hydro Sword

(The beys release powerful attacks)

(All beys drop from the stadium)

Hanami: Let’s see the replay

(They see the replay)

Ref: It’s Flame Kitsune and Hydro Posiden with a Burst Finish

(The End)

Preview:

Danny and Paul with Ben: We are going to BC Sol where Valt is!!!

Danny: Now I’m wondering if he’s going to battle all of us?

Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle

Chapter: 4

Us VS BC Sol

Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!

---

Also the one who inspired me to make this fanfic was @Strikegamerv6

---

I’ll post more chapters tomorrow

This is a really good start but try slowing down don't try squishing everything into a box expand the box

Spoiler (Click to View)

I loved how my charecter was and I loved how you added a refrence to my book lol I love it a lot of potential keep it up

(May. 05, 2021  1:53 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:51 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: This is a really good start but try slowing down don't try squishing everything into a box expand the box

Spoiler (Click to View)

I loved how my charecter was and I loved how you added a refrence to my book lol I love it a lot of potential keep it up

Ok I won’t try squishing everything into a box (I can’t believe that I just said that) and I’ll keep it up

(May. 05, 2021  1:54 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:53 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Ok I won’t try squishing everything into a box (I can’t believe that I just said that) and I’ll keep it up

Your going to do awesome

(May. 05, 2021  1:54 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:54 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: Your going to do awesome

Thanks @Strikegamerv6 aka the one who inspired me to make this fanfic

(May. 05, 2021  1:55 AM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:

(May. 05, 2021  1:54 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Thanks @Strikegamerv6 aka the one who inspired me to make this fanfic

Just don't forget about my fanfic lol