[Fan Fiction]  Beyblade Burst: Planet

Hello I'm The Goat0531, this is my first beyblade fan fic I've written so I hope you enjoy. My inspiration for this is Bey100 and his series Cyber Crush so shoutout to him and you should probably check his series out. This fan fic occurs during Superking and retcons Superking and DB as I felt like those seasons of the show were pretty bad. Events and characters from that series will still appear but they won't be as important as they were in those seasons of the show. Beyblade Burst: Planet is going to be similar to Naruto and Boruto's structure where there will be a part 1 and a part 2 time skip. The story for part 1 will be somewhat like MHA with a beyblade school till it of coarse expands farther and farther like any story. The main character is named Kai Ulrich and his bey is Planet Kitsune Zenith Hold' - 1D. This series will at least be a weekly chapter/episode series like most manga so expect at least a chapter/episode a week. So yeah I hope everyone to stays to read this story enjoys what I'm writing and will give me feedback so I can improve my writing. I'll also have an open character submission so you can just submit your character either in pm's or this thread and if the oc fits I'll add them to the story. All the info that is needed is their name, appearance, personality, and Superking bey, but if you want to add more you can.
Excited to see how this goes!
Here’s my character:
Name:Joe Bri 
Age: 14
Birthday: May 24th
Apperance: Wears a jester costume that has a purple and yellow color scheme with a hat.
Backstory: Joe was a kid who always was a big fan of the circus and likes clowns, he also like Beyblade. But he was always bullied for liking clowns. Despite this he always continued his love for the circus and Beyblade.
Personality: He is a nice but goofy guy and will do pranks on you when you least expect it.
Beyblade: Jynx Joker. Gamble. Turn. 1D
Core: Joker
It is almost identical to original Joker core but it’s more gold.
Blade: Jynx
It has to sides one has rubber while the other one is hard rubber. One side helps with spin stealing while the other helps with smash attacks.
Disk: Gamble
The Gamble disk is a free spinning disk that helps deflect attacks.
Driver: Turn
A purple turn driver.
Chassis: 1D
A purple 1D single chassis.
Moves:
Jynx Smash
Jynx Bounce
Jynx Crush
Hopefully you like this character!
(Mar. 17, 2023  9:55 PM)Bey100 Wrote: Excited to see how this goes!
Here’s my character:
Name:Joe Bri 
Age: 14
Birthday: May 24th
Apperance: Wears a jester costume that has a purple and yellow color scheme with a hat.
Backstory: Joe was a kid who always was a big fan of the circus and likes clowns, he also like Beyblade. But he was always bullied for liking clowns. Despite this he always continued his love for the circus and Beyblade.
Personality: He is a nice but goofy guy and will do pranks on you when you least expect it.
Beyblade: Jynx Joker. Gamble. Turn. 1D
Core: Joker
It is almost identical to original Joker core but it’s more gold.
Blade: Jynx
It has to sides one has rubber while the other one is hard rubber. One side helps with spin stealing while the other helps with smash attacks.
Disk: Gamble
The Gamble disk is a free spinning disk that helps deflect attacks.
Driver: Turn
A purple turn driver.
Chassis: 1D
A purple 1D single chassis.
Moves:
Jynx Smash
Jynx Bounce
Jynx Crush
Hopefully you like this character!

Cool oc, I'll make sure to add him.
Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #1 "Enter: Kai Ulrich!"

I hope you all enjoy the chapter and tell me what ya'll think about it.
(Mar. 19, 2023  2:06 AM)The Goat0531 Wrote: Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #1 "Enter: Kai Ulrich!"

I hope you all enjoy the chapter and tell me what ya'll think about it.
A very strong first episode! The characterization is great and I feel like the grammar pretty good! O
Overall a strong first episode I would say 9.5/10!
This is the list of characters and beys who have been introduced so far.
Sorry for not keeping my promise of posting chapters weekly. I've been busy with school and personal things which has caused me to not be able to finish the chapter. You'll probably expect the chapter to be released around Thursday-Friday but at the worst you can expect chapters 2 and 3 to be posted on Saturday and Sunday.
(Mar. 29, 2023  3:27 AM)The Goat0531 Wrote: Sorry for not keeping my promise of posting chapters weekly. I've been busy with school and personal things which has caused me to not be able to finish the chapter. You'll probably expect the chapter to be released around Thursday-Friday but at the worst you can expect chapters 2 and 3 to be posted on Saturday and Sunday.
School’s important so don’t rush out content take all the time you need
It's finally here, sorry for the wait.

Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #2 "Three way free for all, battle to fight the lightning cutting warrior"

I would really like you'll opinions on this. Chapter #3, as you can guess is also getting a delay till next week.
(Apr. 02, 2023  11:22 PM)The Goat0531 Wrote: It's finally here, sorry for the wait.

Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #2 "Three way free for all, battle to fight the lightning cutting warrior"

I would really like you'll opinions on this. Chapter #3, as you can guess is also getting a delay till next week.
Nice episode. A lot of battles in this one (I also feel bad for Kai like he got disrespected in this episode man though you did Joe nice so 👍).
Guess I'll enter something
(Apr. 04, 2023  1:02 PM)beansworth Wrote: Guess I'll enter something

Thanks for the entry. I can't promise he'll be in the story soon but I can say he will eventually be there.
(Apr. 02, 2023  11:22 PM)The Goat0531 Wrote: It's finally here, sorry for the wait.

Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #2 "Three way free for all, battle to fight the lightning cutting warrior"

I would really like you'll opinions on this. Chapter #3, as you can guess is also getting a delay till next week.
.
Really cool writing style and interaction, you're good. Tho you dump a lot of exposure in large chunks. The flare talk was kind of systematic, the tournament made more sense that way but some intervention in the middle of the dialogue would have been a nice addition (not necessarily needed as they aren't as open with Tyler yet so it makes sense, though his "explaining what it means" did sound a lot like "by the script"). You don't need to make us know everything about stuff at the moment you introduce stuff, you can progressively add-on to it, in the same way you don't lay all you cards on the table at the beginning of the game, you keep some hidden for strategy.
.
With that said, I did make a character. It was meant to be posted a while ago but wanted to check if you're still alive. It was originally a boy but your fic has plenty of those already, so have this:
.
Character:
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Bey: Lentic Oilliphéist Rapid - (left spinning attack type)
(Apr. 04, 2023  11:34 PM)Hollowmind13 Wrote:
(Apr. 02, 2023  11:22 PM)The Goat0531 Wrote: It's finally here, sorry for the wait.

Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #2 "Three way free for all, battle to fight the lightning cutting warrior"

I would really like you'll opinions on this. Chapter #3, as you can guess is also getting a delay till next week.
.
Really cool writing style and interaction, you're good. Tho you dump a lot of exposure in large chunks. The flare talk was kind of systematic, the tournament made more sense that way but some intervention in the middle of the dialogue would have been a nice addition (not necessarily needed as they aren't as open with Tyler yet so it makes sense, though his "explaining what it means" did sound a lot like "by the script"). You don't need to make us know everything about stuff at the moment you introduce stuff, you can progressively add-on to it, in the same way you don't lay all you cards on the table at the beginning of the game, you keep some hidden for strategy.
.
With that said, I did make a character. It was meant to be posted a while ago but wanted to check if you're still alive. It was originally a boy but your fic has plenty of those already, so have this:
.
Character:
.
Bey: Lentic Oilliphéist Rapid - (left spinning attack type)

Thanks for the critiques, I'll make sure to add that into my writing. Also your oc is good and she'll appear soon.
Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #3 "Drifting asleep, a demon emerges"

I would also like to hear you you'll opinions on this. My plan is to do a double chapter this week so I can finally get back on track with weekly releases. So expect Chapter 4 coming out this week.
Overall I thought chapter 3 was pretty good. But ain’t a big fan of the beginning maybe because I don’t like gross humor 🤢
(Apr. 11, 2023  10:50 PM)Bey100 Wrote: Overall I thought chapter 3 was pretty good. But ain’t a big fan of the beginning maybe because I don’t like gross humor 🤢

Okay I'll make sure to not have that in my next chapter.
(Apr. 11, 2023  10:50 PM)Bey100 Wrote: Overall I thought chapter 3 was pretty good. But ain’t a big fan of the beginning maybe because I don’t like gross humor 🤢
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I was expecting a backrooms reference.
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About the chapter, dialog is sometimes nuts (generally Tyler's):

Tyler: Interesting, maybe the gate is why you can't activate your flare. And the giant fox you saw might've been Kitsune and he was trying to exit that room that was sealed off from you. Though I don't know why the gate would be there. No one else has reported a gate when they first make contact with their bey's spirit but you. Maybe it's a mental block that's keeping you from using your full power. I'll report this to the higher ups to see if they know anything and they might be able to fix the problem.

That's an absolute unit of a text.
The dialog also feels awkward at times, like with the 2nd battle group when they were saying their bey names. And ig Owen and her... Lack of gesture? Her talking seems more active than her body, like the "gender reveal" bit: I suppose she made some exaggerated gesture by how it is written, but nothing says so. Vincent got good gesture tho, Gabriel a little less but still nice.
Vincent and Gabriel's dynamic looks promising.
I suppose this series is somewhat inspired by Naruto, but I can't tell as I never touched the series.
(Apr. 12, 2023  1:00 AM)Hollowmind13 Wrote:
(Apr. 11, 2023  10:50 PM)Bey100 Wrote: Overall I thought chapter 3 was pretty good. But ain’t a big fan of the beginning maybe because I don’t like gross humor 🤢
.
I was expecting a backrooms reference.
.
About the chapter, dialog is sometimes nuts (generally Tyler's):

Tyler: Interesting, maybe the gate is why you can't activate your flare. And the giant fox you saw might've been Kitsune and he was trying to exit that room that was sealed off from you. Though I don't know why the gate would be there. No one else has reported a gate when they first make contact with their bey's spirit but you. Maybe it's a mental block that's keeping you from using your full power. I'll report this to the higher ups to see if they know anything and they might be able to fix the problem.

That's an absolute unit of a text.
The dialog also feels awkward at times, like with the 2nd battle group when they were saying their bey names. And ig Owen and her... Lack of gesture? Her talking seems more active than her body, like the "gender reveal" bit: I suppose she made some exaggerated gesture by how it is written, but nothing says so. Vincent got good gesture tho, Gabriel a little less but still nice.
Vincent and Gabriel's dynamic looks promising.
I suppose this series is somewhat inspired by Naruto, but I can't tell as I never touched the series.

Uh... is this directed towards me?... because Goat made the fanfic.
(Apr. 12, 2023  1:00 AM)Hollowmind13 Wrote:
(Apr. 11, 2023  10:50 PM)Bey100 Wrote: Overall I thought chapter 3 was pretty good. But ain’t a big fan of the beginning maybe because I don’t like gross humor 🤢
.
I was expecting a backrooms reference.
.
About the chapter, dialog is sometimes nuts (generally Tyler's):

Tyler: Interesting, maybe the gate is why you can't activate your flare. And the giant fox you saw might've been Kitsune and he was trying to exit that room that was sealed off from you. Though I don't know why the gate would be there. No one else has reported a gate when they first make contact with their bey's spirit but you. Maybe it's a mental block that's keeping you from using your full power. I'll report this to the higher ups to see if they know anything and they might be able to fix the problem.

That's an absolute unit of a text.
The dialog also feels awkward at times, like with the 2nd battle group when they were saying their bey names. And ig Owen and her... Lack of gesture? Her talking seems more active than her body, like the "gender reveal" bit: I suppose she made some exaggerated gesture by how it is written, but nothing says so. Vincent got good gesture tho, Gabriel a little less but still nice.
Vincent and Gabriel's dynamic looks promising.
I suppose this series is somewhat inspired by Naruto, but I can't tell as I never touched the series.

Alright thank you, I'll add more gesturing in my next chapter.

Yeah it's inspired by multiple series. The school is inspired by My Hero Academia with some implements from Beyblade Burst God/Evolution that you'll see later, Kai is inspired by Naruto, Sebastian is inspired by Sasuke, Tyler is inspired by Kakashi, Elijah is inspired by Obito, Mr. Winbush is a original character, Vincent is based off Goku from Dragon Ball, and Gabriel is based off Isagi from Bluelock.
(Apr. 12, 2023  1:03 AM)Bey100 Wrote: Uh... is this directed towards me?... because Goat made the fanfic.
.
The first line is, the rest is for Goat. Sorry if that was confusing
Beyblade Burst Planet: Chapter #4 "Team 7 vs Team 9"

I would like to hear you all's opinions on this chapter. This chapter may be shorter than the rest but it contains many big building blocks for the following chapters in the series so I hope that evens out for its length. I just didn't want to stretch out this chapter as I feel like it would just get boring and wouldn't get to the main points of the chapter. So anyway hope ya'll enjoy the chapter and give me the critiques that I need so I can improve my writing. Also if my schedule goes to plan (and we all know that's a big if because of school) expect chapter #5 to come out this weekend and then it will be the usual chapter every week.
(Apr. 15, 2023  5:49 AM)The Goat0531 Wrote: Beyblade Burst Planet Chapter #4 "Team 7 vs Team 9"

I would like to hear you all's opinions on this chapter. This chapter may be shorter than the rest but it contains many big building blocks for the following chapters in the series so I hope that evens out for its length. I just didn't want to stretch out this chapter as I feel like it would just get boring and wouldn't get to the main points of the chapter. So anyway hope ya'll enjoy  the chapter and give me the critiques that I need so I can improve my writing. Also if my schedule goes to plan (and we all know that's a big if because of school) expect chapter #5 to come out this weekend and then it will be the usual chapter every week.

This is my favorite chapter so far and Akihiro trying to turn Sebastian evil… man things are getting interesting. A 9/10 for me
Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #5 "The Aftermath"

Well here's chapter 5 of Beyblade Burst: Planet. I hope you enjoy the chapter and I would like for ya'll to write your opinions and critiques on the chapter so I can improve my writing.
Beyblade Burst: Planet Chapter #6 "Start of the Team Tournament"

I hope ya'll enjoy this chapter and tell me your opinions on it.